I fucking hate it whens he does this to me.
She makes me feel like everything is my fault.
Like I wasn't aware of my words and aware that
they would hurt her or tear her apart in some way.
I AM ALWAYS AWARE OF WHAT I SAY WHEN
I TALK ABOUT HER.
I am just frustrated beyond description.
I cannot do this.
I am just so sick of her always just trying to
be the bigger person, like I'm looked down upon.
I wish she could just shutup.
And just not say anything for once.
I know what she's thinking.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I FUCKING KNOW.
Just please, don't do this to me right now.
Please.

just let me be. i beg you.

i'm not recycling my heart this time.

I haven't posted on here in an extremely long time.
And a lot has happened since my last entry.

Everything from starting Grade 11, being diagnosed
with major depression and anxiety disorder, being hospitalized,
being close to death, making new friends, knowing who my REAL
friends are, learning more about myself, maturing, hurting in places
i never thought i could feel pain, new faces, old faces, boys still
pulling on my heart strings, heart being thrown away and just being free.

I feel like I've grown up a lot since my last entry but
at the same time, suffered too much.

For now, my heart hurts. The pain has resurfaced.
And all I can think about are her words.
The words she spoke. The words I refused to hear.
And now the truth is out. And I'm back to carrying
such a heavy heart. And worse, carrying a broken heart.
She said he was very religious, which I was completely aware of.
And I knew at the back of my mind there would be complications.
But I would acknowledge the fact that he was religious and perhaps
we could just respect each other's beliefs and just work it out.
But no. She just had to tell me that if he fancied someone and found
out they weren't as religious as him aka a strong Christian like he was,
he would stop himself from fancying them. Now that was just completely
absurd to me. I mean, I respect people's religion but to the point that
it interferes with relationships and especially on the topic of "love."
Above everything, I will always put love before me. No matter, the consequences.
Perhaps this is too much for me to carry. To really comprehend.
Because when those words graced her lips I couldn't help but feel
pain all over. I wanted to scream. to cry. to run. I just couldn't
believe this. I mean, I find religion to be interesting and all but I, myself
is not religious. And I respect religion but when it gets to the point that
people just get so caught up in it it causes them to make absurd choices.
And I'm sorry, if he's religious but when you fancy someone, or even "love" someone
you can't always stop yourself. And as stupid and ridiculous as that may sound.
It is true. I mean what if one day he just happens to "fall in love" with someone and
I mean honestly, seriously love someone and then finds out they aren't religious?
What will his heart tell him now?

I must be a fool.

Because it appears...

i always fancy someone i don't deserve.

it's tragic, really.