i don't understand why things always have to go to shit. why things always have to affect you and you can never seem to be happy. i don't expect you to be perfect but it's really frustrating when i try and tell you the positive side of things but you just push it away and you can't seem to hold onto optimism. how you constantly clutch to your anger. how nothing is ever good enough. i just want you to be happy. but your negativity always affects me and its so hard not to be influenced by it. i hate how we were doing so good then you let everything get the best of you. i know things will get better but its so fucking hard to see the bright side of things when you're so used to having everything demolish right in front of you.

it is so unbelievably easy to destroy myself in seconds. i haven't felt this shitty in so long. i could blame it on the fact that i am getting sick or that i'm just having an off day. i just hate everything and everyone today.

i don't why the smallest things have started triggering my anger again. 'causing this chain reaction of events, feelings. you could say i have jealousy problem, you could say i'm just idiotic for even caring about such things, you could say i'm just feeling sorry for myself. i already feel stupid for feeling the way i am but today is just unbearable.

it's funny, people think i have a bit strong backbone but only to a certain degree. i can collapse so easily, everything can be demolished within moments. my confidence, i don't really know where it's been lately, suddenly i've just indulged in self-pity and doubt and fear. they've become such close companions. whispering lies. i am always convinced. gullible.

on the one hand i know i can be very brave and strong but underneath that layer i am nothing but an insecure piece of shit. i convince myself sometimes that you can do better than me, i understand i am not the [prettiest] of girls and you are pulchritude, to the core. do you understand that? you could have fucking anyone. why me. i am nothing but chaos. i am too damaged. i am fucking nothing. and i say i'm okay if you look at other girls, if you talk to the prettiest people in the room. but really, i'm just trying to act fearless. what a shame.

your patience runs low, i know you just want me to be happy. but do i ever get to be upset? i always put up with your shit. and you tell me your lacking patience right now and that you have a bunch of things to deal with. but what about me? WHAT ABOUT ME? i know you probably didn't mean it but how selfishly indulgent of you. i know i am a lot to handle, trust me. why do you think i've never let anyone in before?

everyone just expects me to have a smile on, all the FUCKING time. just because i'm better now, because i am allegedly "healed" that i am no longer in the "right mind" to pick up the vices again, everyone fucking thinks i'm fine. and maybe i am. maybe i'm not. but i know myself it is so very FUCKING easy for me to be self-destructive. perhaps i possess some weird, sick and twisted mind because sometimes i am tempted to destroy, just to watch everything go up in flames. all the aftermath. and what good would any of this do?

i hate questioning everything. how my mind works. how i can't just rebuild my vertebrae and be happy.

i don't fucking know anymore.

the way out of the labyrinth.

i'm always running in circles. i'm getting so sick of this routine. my insides feel all twisted and this weary feeling makes me want to sleep for days.

why is it we always try and hurt the outside to kill what's inside?

you get mad for stupid things. you always have to be right. it's always my fault. you say i exhaust you. you tell me to fuck off. you tell me i twist things. you're self-righteous. you disrespect me. you're rude.

but i am nothing close to perfection, as well.

i know i procrastinate too much. i never do what i'm told. i constantly need guidance in my life. i over-analyze. i think the worst about everything. i put up walls for no legitimate reason. i'm too hard on myself. i can't seem to love myself. i'm too critical. i'm pessimistic.

maybe i just have too many expectations, that this always has to be lovely and intense but perhaps things need to see calm waters. maybe i just worry too much. it's been so hard lately trying to see the light in everything. i've felt so distant lately from you. everything's been so busy that we haven't had time to settle down and have a proper dialogue.

i keep rereading our messages from summer. i miss it. i miss everything. i miss us...back then. i guess this is what always happens. life.

i'm exhausted of feeling overwhelmed, feeling so distressed, constantly apprehensive. i need to learn how to breathe. to center myself. i keep asking myself why, in some mysterious way everything always turns out okay. i'm not complaining. it's just strangely fascinating. in ways, i feel like i don't deserve all this happiness because i have engaged in hurtful activities.

i think i need to stop thinking so much. our mind is our own worst enemy. all the thoughts that keep me awake at night haunt me in my sleep.

i've been practicing a dangerous abundance of negative energy lately. and i realize i'm attracting all this pessimism, and strangely sean has been picking up on it and it's indirectly // unconsciously affecting him.

so here's to today. forgiving. and fighting for something that is of great significance. no more feeling sorry for myself. beginnings with abolishing the incertitude, the fear, the anxiety.

as my mum says, "SHUTUP. SITDOWN. AND LOVE YOURSELF."

have faith in this, in everything. stop living in the past. think of the summer months ahead. listen to good music, that awakens the soul. look for inspiration in the things i love. take more pictures. hang out with more friends. make new friends. talk to old friends. don't ever lose sight of hope. don't let go, hold on tight.

sometimes all the anxiety and terror blinds my vision of what i should really be grateful for. these moments feeling so stuck, they are horrible and you'd like nothing more for that feeling to subside but all in all they somehow spark a light to see things in clarity.

so here we go, like we always will, onward to....

The Great Perhaps.

the constant push & pull in my chest.

it is ridiculous how much time we invest in a relationship. how you can lose yourself completely in someone. lately i've been thinking about that. how all of my time has been dedicated to sean that i guess i just got so comfortable with it that i just dissipated.

i realize i haven't done anything for myself in a while, i haven't had any [me] time. i sacrificed certain things that i enjoy to spend my time with him but my needs aren't being met here. strange isn't it, when you step back and look at the bigger picture.

the thing is, sean and i are great together and when we're happy and love each other, it's fucking fantastic but when we fight it becomes ugly, it's hell on earth. and recently we've been disputing a lot and i know that relationships aren't always rainbows and sunshine but i feel like it's become too much. this is something i know and always have known, i'm going places, i have a lot going for me, not to indulge in arrogance but it's just fact. sean moved half way around the world just to be with me and i've been so unbelievably grateful for that but what i didn't realize is that he has A LOT of emotional baggage. i know that everyone is broken in some way and we all have our stories but i guess you could say he's more damaged than most. he holds onto anger, he has so many intense emotions, he buries everything, bottles it all up and doesn't know how to properly handle his issues. it's difficult for him to talk about things because he's never been taught to be honest, to open up. and i have been extremely patient with him but still the words just can't seem to grace his mouth. he never tells me anything when something's wrong, if something is // i do is bothering him, ever. it's very frustrating because i understand if in that moment you don't want to talk and you need your space but i'd just like the truth and know what's going on. i just feel that honesty is fundamental in a relationship, and obviously this is what ours' is lacking.

another part of the problem is our living situation. sean and i live together so we're practically married. and for a first relationship it's pretty intense but somehow i am tolerant of it and everything, i love him for him, all the lovely things, even the ugly, cruel parts. but for him i feel like it's too much, that he gets too annoyed at me since we're together pretty much 24 // 7 and living in such close proximity is definitely extreme. i am just exhausted because i just believe that right now we need a break and figure out what we both want. it's just severely frustrating when he's stubborn as fuck, and when we argue he says a lot of cruel, hurtful things and i am constantly disrespected in these moments. don't get me wrong, sean is a fucking amazing individual but when we fight, it is no denial that he has a vicious, malevolent side and it is not a pretty sight. when this happens, i try and let us both calm down and be the mediator and resolve the current situation in a calm manner but somehow with him the replies are always "fuck this. fuck that. fuck this relationship. you exhaust me. i can't do this anymore. lalalala." the thing is, as much as in the moment when he's encompassed by fury and he says all these hurtful things and say things like he doesn't know if he can do this anymore i know more than anything he loves me to death and wants it to work. truth is, all sean has is me, i'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and i don't want to say that i have this on him, but there is no way of denying that.

i've just been thinking an awful lot of what this is, me and him. us. i really just think we need some sort of break and to resolve things. i know that i want to work through this but know that i can't force it if he doesn't want this anymore. and as much as that reality may be true, i'm surprised i'm not as depressed as i thought i'd be. i mean, if the conclusion comes to that this simply cannot work out right now then i will accept it even though it will undeniably shatter me. but i know that if that was the case, i have the most amazing friggin support system in the world and i know i would be able to move through it. honestly speaking, i know i will be the one who will be better off emotionally and mentally. with him, if this ends it will be his apocalypse. i don't necessarily want to think about how badly it will affect him but i know that things for him will be extremely heavy for a long period of time.

i know i want this to work out and i will always love this kid no matter what, but if things become too detrimental you have to let them go, as much as that's a harsh reality to accept. i know there are things about me that i still need to work on and there are certain things about me that annoy him but i feel that since he's moved here, nothing's really changed for him. i guess he had hoped that by coming to vancouver things would be different but your problems don't just go away they follow you everywhere. you just changed the scenery but not the fucking situation. he's still stuck in the same place. he doesn't go to school. he doesn't have a job. all he does is get stoned all day, watch tv or play guitar. and i know every now and then he does something productive but he hasn't made the full effort to really get out there and make something of himself. and i understand that moving half way across the world, leaving all your friends and family is a fucking courageous move, not to mention a huge sacrifice. and i know it can be awfully scary being in a new environment when you don't have the comfort you're used to but there is always room for change, to go out there and do something about it, make an adjustment to the current situation y'know?

i can't even reiterate this constant push and pull. you love someone so much you want to help them, you want them to be happy and you want to be able to resolve things but this is a reality i constantly struggle with yet accept: you cannot change anyone, only they can create the change themselves. the only person you have control over is yourself. i know that i am the only person that knows sean right down to the core, and the only person that can help him but i cannot change him, it is up to him to do that.

it's always this battle in my heart. i guess i'm just too much of a hopeful soul but even though this boy may frustrate the living fucking hell out of me, and may say hurtful things when he's angry and is unappreciative at times, i don't even understand this myself but i love this kid to death. basically, i'm shocked at how strong i am being right now. if this was me a year ago or any other year i would've succumbed to depression, the anger, the frustration and fallen into my old dangerous habit of self-injury. the scenery would be a lot more darker and horrific.

there are so many parts to this story, and ours is something so intricate and beautiful and intriguing yet it is twisted and intense and incomprehensible. but whatever the outcome, let it be positive. and whatever happens happens. and if the reality is that this has ran it's course, maybe it doesn't work out now but perhaps in the future. and if it is that we need to close this chapter, then i'll accept it and walk away with all the brighter days.

this love.

this week has been really something. i can't tell if it's just meant to fall into place or if i'm just lucky.

at first the air was still expelling chaos and all these old demons reappeared. all these thoughts, questions i never thought would come across my mind. did i really want this? was i just lying to myself? parts of me were still recovering from all the damage. the part of the process where you question everything. did i really love him? what if my feelings were depleting? parts of me fought against believing in this. wondering if there was more for me out there, if i really deserved better. i know on monday i laid down the law. i told him that things really needed to change with his anger or else i couldn't do this anymore. i am tired of feeling victimized by his fury and be someone for him to walk all over when he can't properly deal with his emotions. and i can't read his mind. he needed to start being honest with me or else i don't see this walking out. i want to help him and i know i can but i can't do it if we won't let me in. i can't make him talk, i can't make him change only he can. and even with the frustration in my lungs i can't even deny the fact that i love this kid to death and always will, no matter what. and it sounds so silly in a way but i can't even comprehend nor explain what the fuck we have.

i can't even express the frustration and how you convince yourself that maybe this just isn't it, this isn't worth it anymore and you have the split second of decision whether you should do this or not. and you almost want to give it all away because you can't stand to see yourself feeling that detrimental again. but my heart is something else. maybe i'm too generous, too forgiving and i should detest and ignore all those who've hurt me severely but i've tried to hold a grudge and i've tried holding onto betrayal, dishonesty, deception, all those awful things i should hate people for. but hate cannot exist in my body, not in this heart of mine.

perhaps he got away with hiding everything and keeping quiet with other people, but not with me. NOT with me. always that push and pull. the constant reoccurring battle in my life: between holding on and letting go. and in ways it'd be easy to give up everything, no commitment, all that i've believed in disintegrated. i could. i could.

and it's not because i know it would break him and that i would be better off emotionally and mentally (i think) if this doesn't work out but who am i to kid? as much as i'll say i'm not afraid to walk away and think in some way that if this has ran it's course, i can't help but know all this, all the wonderment and infinite happiness, all the chaos and fuck ups, even when things seem really damaged i wouldn't trade this for the world.

and people tell me that i deserve better or that i should consider that as much i believe that sean's really [the one] for me, there's always someone out there who could treat me better. at first, i rethought everything and maybe even i believed for a second that maybe there was someone out there better for me but no. right now, sean is all i want and need. and even if people think otherwise i know that what we have is something really rare. i'm not trying to indulge in arrogance here and of course there are lots of people who fit well together but not like this. i can't even properly explain it myself. but this is something so incomprehensible, extraordinary, tumultuous, intense, amazing, and intricate. i suppose it's kind of it's own beautiful chaos.

even when i think everything is hanging by a string, somehow it all hits me and it all comes into focus, this love of mine holds so much pulchritude.

dear kendahl,

you will be okay. i know this hurts an awful lot. especially when his words echo in your mind and pierce your heart. but you know he loves you. even with all this. you know that. you know he needs help but doesn't know how to go about it. you have to be strong. but you must accept what lies ahead. even if a decision is made in departing. you can learn from this. and perhaps you were wrong to get out but stand your ground. you know that it's not just you, it's him that needs to change. all you can do is love him unconditionally, no matter how hard it is. just believe.

i am so distressed beyond words. my stomach is hungry but i refuse to eat. i want to sleep but my eyes refuse to close. it's almost 7 am and tonight i will sleep alone. words hurt a lot more when they're coming from someone you love.

you were feeling depressed today and i comforted you and told you i didn't have to go out tonight but you pushed me away and told me to go. so i did, and i had fun and perhaps i got a little bit more drunk then have planned. i didn't intend on party puking. i come home and i am passed out in front of the toilet, you walk in the door and i can feel your frustration and all you do is yell at me. i have not felt this awful in an extremely long time. i hate fighting with you because i am always victimized. the finger is always pointed at me. everything is my fault. as usual. i haven't felt this fucking depressed in so long. and i feel even more ashamed that i relapsed. you tell me to fuck off, you say some rude remarks. i hide in the washroom like i haven't done in eons. collapsed on the bathroom floor and all i have as company are these four walls. we try and resolve things but it ends up in another yelling fit. you say that i had no regard for you, that it was irresponsible of me to get that drunk. i realize i didn't intend on doing that but it's NOT MY FAULT that you were feeling heavy. if you needed me so bad i told you to call me. again, i am to blame. you tell me you're exhausted of me, that i am ungrateful of everything you've done.

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT. he doesn't realize that i am grateful every single fucking day of my life that i have him. i can't believe he is so blinded by anger he doesn't recognize my love. i can't even express how much i love him, care for him and then he says this, it's pretty damaging. he says this is too much and he doesn't know what to do anymore. words can't convince him. we are hanging on by a thread and that's all i have as a piece of hope. i am trying so hard to not let the feelings and the doubts, the fears, his words get to me. but i'll be honest, this fucking hurts. i am fucking terrified. i want to believe in this so badly but if he doesn't want this, i cannot do anything about it. but it's just extremely frustrating when he doesn't see how he affects me, it's always about him. he thinks i'm selfish and i can't even wrap that around my mind because i have done so much for him. it's just such a battle. that push and pull. because i love him so much yet this is all too painful to hear. i just need to know that this is possible.

and i keep thinking to myself if this is the end, i know i can move through it but i am not willing to do so, it's just so much more harder when you've let someone in this far.

i just wish he could stop picking out my flaws and see the light in this, look towards gratitude but he is too controlled by anger and frustration. i just wish he could love me for me.


i am lacking words. all this is is pain. i just hope we can salvage this.