patience is everything.

to be honest, i have no idea what i'm doing. i don't know how to go about this, i don't know what direction to take but all i know is i want to feel something real. i know i'm the most impatient person ever and part of me tells me to just wait this out a little longer but i'm losing interest and i don't know how much longer i can endure this. i'm just as afraid as you are but if anything i'm trying to live for the moments spent with you. i know we contrast tremendously, and we're almost complete opposites and everyone says i can do better and that i need to move on but i want to see what will happen. i need to know if this has a chance. i'm so exhausted of breaking hearts and letting opportunities slip though my fingers. i need to believe in this. i have to.

the brave thing about it all is i've accepted both sides of the situation. whatever happens happens. i think the hardest part is having no control over this, and generally i need to be but i need to learn to let it be. so far, i have to say i'm pretty proud of myself for not letting doubts get to me, for not letting all the incertitude and fear that come with the anatomy of boys. i'm not even thinking about all the pretty girls that are after you, or the ones that you desire, how maybe you could fancy someone else and perhaps that's one reason why you're afraid. no, i will not let these anxieties get to me.

i know its been almost 2 weeks since i've announced the proposition and i still don't have an answer, and yes its a bit absurd with all this waiting but i hope i hope its worth it. and i know your timidness takes hold of this. lately, there have been days, moments where i don't care anymore and i won't to give up on this, that somehow i manage to convince myself that this isn't worth it anymore but perhaps this is a slow process. that things don't always revolve around immediacy, and perhaps sometimes all you can do is trust time and let everything unfold itself naturally. even if it hurts. even if it means risking your feelings.

so maybe this is a new beginning, a lesson i've always had such a hard time learning and understanding: letting go. so i'm throwing all the frustration all the agitation all the obscurity all the apprehension and impatience into the fire. they have no use for me. only annoyance and unbearable eagerness.

and i'm not listening to what everyone else says, my heart knows whats best and can't even deny the fact that the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.

truth is i'm the epitome of all things broken, chaotic, a rebellious dreamer. a beautiful chaos. i am an oxymoron at best. i get out of control, i love dance parties and i like sex, drugs and rock n' roll. i don't give a shit what anyone thinks or says about me, i've constructed a pretty stable exterior that allows me to accept the opinions of others, to know what i stand for, i am made of passion and love for art and music and all things damaged. my heart is constantly expanding, my love for everything is infinite. i get too controlling and obsessive at times, i over-analyze and sometimes i get too engulfed by my demons or the problems of others. i'm extremely impulsive and dangerously spontaneous. i care too much about things beyond my control, i cry really easily - if something is inspiring, if i relate to it, a song, a good book, a movie, something cute, or when i feel pain or other people's pain. i'm all over the place and i constantly need to be moving, i've got more than 50 bookshelves of stories from the past that i don't exactly like uncovering. i carry physical and mental scars every day but i am stronger now. i know who i am now but i'm still learning new things about myself every day.

you are the epitome of pure, of righteousness and prudence. you indulge in timidness, even though i know you can be loud. you're responsible and cautious. you're intellectual, studious and disciplined. you rely on structure most of the time. you're obeying and respectful. you enjoy being challenged and working things out. you're sensible and thoughtful. you're absolutely adorable. i like your hair and your cute smile, the way you're incredibly passionate about music, how you live for it. how you aspire to attain your goals or whatever it is that needs to be done. how you value my opinion and the fact that i know that i do inspire you in some way. i like how you listen to me and do things for me even though they don't speak familiarity to you, how somehow i spark some sort of rebellion in you. how it takes you a shitload of courage to actually hold my hand and i know you're scared shitless. the best is just being in your presence and seeing your smile.

so here it goes for the millionth time, letting go and having patience by my side. this is all i can do. and writing all that out made me rethink the situation. i do believe in this and i do believe in you and us. time is all i have. time is all i can wear around my neck for now. and for now, i'll keep encompassing myself in hopeful tunes and the serenity of owl city and lights just because i know how much you love them.

please know your heart before you begin to sing.

its 5 am, i may be considered insane but....


WEDNESDAY, I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE BUT I JUST MAY FREAKING KISS YOU. OKAY?


x

i don't know the first thing about love.

there is something wrong with me.

i should be freaking out, panicking because i have a 6 page essay due in 6 hours and a final but i'm not worried at all. i don't know why i've got so much damn optimism flowing through me. i'm not completely saying its a bad thing but it just seems like i should be focusing but my mind is always somewhere else.


i'm not even sure what i want out of this - this whole thing with Adam. i feel bipolar and i don't know if he's really in this. i'm letting him be, i haven't asked him what his answer is, i'm not enforcing anything. even with the attraction, i still feel like we're good friends. at the same time, i'm impatient because i'm one of those people that needs something to be instantaneous, time isn't really an option for me and i need to know the truth, that i didn't just fuck up a really good friendship. i need confirmation. and i think what's pushing me away a bit is the anticipation and how things are slow and nothing is really moving. i'm kind of tired of this pendulum action. sometimes things are still but sometimes me always having to take initiative to start a conversation is getting annoying and mundane for me. i'm losing interest because i know that i do want him to be something more but if he's not in this, he's wasting my time. although, i do have to give him credit for today because he did text me first (yes, i do pay attention to these things despite the fact i may seem a little bit obsessive) and it was cute but i don't know.

all i can do is wait for wednesday, if wednesday ever even gets here because i can waste time like there's no other but when i just think of him, it feels like eons and it drives me insane.


this is it basically. i like you a lot, and i don't think you understand what the frik you do to me. i like how we listen to the same music, how we both love Alex Gaskarth to the extent that we'd probably both end up marrying him haha, how you're passionate about music and you put your entire heart and soul into it, how you play guitar and learn random songs that i like because you know its a way of impressing me, how you sing even though i know you kind of suck, how you wear tight jeans and converses and band tees, how your hair is just so goddamn nice and you actually let me touch // play with it (hey some guys get all anal about their hair), how you take my advice -- even though sometimes i know you do it because you know i like that characteristic in a guy, how you make me laugh and we can say the stupidest things to each other and it won't matter, how we actually have a friendship to establish this on, how you subtly do certain gestures when you're with me even though it takes you a while to actually act upon it, how you listen to me when i need to vent, how you listen to my stories even though you don't understand them, how you tease me, how we share a love for dance parties and mosh pits, how you honestly confessed you're an inner disney child and watch JONAS & listen to them, how you know my style, how you let me dress you, how your focused and you know what you want, how you're so freaking intellectual it amazes me i forget how old you are sometimes, how you put up with my recklessness and think its funny even though you know i'm embarrassed, how you bring out my best and the fact that my heart is always smiling so big when you're around and my favourite, how we call each other raffiki (friend in swahili) and it means more to me than anything in the world knowing you are my friend.

and i sound like a crazy teenager in "love" or something but i think thats the only way to sum myself up right now.

let it be.

i don't know the first thing about love. i understand it in the context of music and art, the things i'm passionate about, friends and family but never for one particular individual. this is a challenge i've been struggling with lately. this whole idea about "love" what does it even mean? i find it to be so incredibly abstract, i don't think there is even a fair explanation for it because everyone's interpretation of it is different and i think it is something you can only understand for yourself once you've experienced it.

you didn't show yesterday but i know it wasn't your fault. of course my heart sank, of course i tried persuading you, of course a bunch of consonants and vowels stringed together trying to sound completely fine in text message is a lie. but somehow even though i was disappointed, i can't help but feel that i know you wanted to be there. the way your lengthy messages spoke frustration and anger. it was funny though, how i got jenny really drunk and she drunkenly texted you saying "adam, you have to come! kendahl really wants you to be there." (to be honest, i was really embarrassed and shocked she did that. but it was worth it.) he replied with "i know, i really want to be there too, i'm trying everything i can to go." i know these words weren't said out loud or in person but i couldn't help but feel at ease with this, because its proof he really cares and i know how much music means to him. whether it was to have a dance party or just feel alive with the music or to see me, it doesn't matter because all i know is that he tried and gave effort and he cares. and perhaps this extreme anticipation is killing me inside, i know its for the best because i need to learn to be patient. i need to learn to let go of things. i need to not expect things. i need to just let it be.


but all that keeps floating through my mind is how he asked me "kendahl, do you love me?" as a friend, i do. as something more, i'm not sure. i just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact how blunt he said it and what he expected me to say. this is a mystery to me. i don't know what i'm getting myself into, i don't know what i'm doing but all i know is that i like him. a lot. and i feel so crazy and i feel like every time i think about my proposition i get scared, then angry, then sad, then happy. i don't know how to feel but this driving me insane. but all i can do is put my faith into the future, and hope that it'll take care of everything because that is all i can do. i have no control over this.


i don't know, i feel crazy but maybe, potentially i may be in love with you. and that fucking scares me.

risk it all.

yesterday was the Stereos concert, they just had to compensate for the lack of pop punk gigs in my life right now. we were trying to be patient waiting for them to come on but we had to go through all the opening bands. we stood next to each other, being stupid, teasing each other, having fun, making each other laugh, fighting off LGs (little girls). then we ended befriending a couple of LGs and one of them asked me, "is that your boyfriend?" embarrassed, i say no. she says "do you like him?" and i say "i'm not sure, i guess?" and her friend chimes in and says "you guys should date." i laugh. this part of the night is kind of blurry for me just because it happened so fast, i don't think my brain even managed to process it as a whole. he was talking to some girl in the moshpit and all of a sudden he's like "Kendahl, do you love me?" COMPLETELY CAUGHT OFF GUARD, I was extremely shocked so i said "um, maybe? i don't know? perhaps? should i?" and he's like "I don't know Kendahl, I think you should." and i was like "oh...okay." and then he went back to talking to the girl and she said "you guys should date." and he's like "yeah, but she doesn't love me." and laughs. about 15 minutes later, the LGs start talking to us again and we're like "I THINK YOU GUYS SHOULD DATE." i kept laughing and this time he heard them and he's like "Kendahl, should we date?" and I was like "I don't know, I guess?" and he's like "we should." and laughs. WHAT THE HELL.

throughout the entire The Artist Life + Midway State set he had his arm around me, i could see jealous eyes and hear loud whispers of girls saying "we can't move, there's a couple there" or "he has a girlfriend." at one point he layed his head on mine and just hugged me, if someone had a camera and took a picture of that it would be the ultimate couple picture, i'm serious. of course during Stereos we had our own dance party and just went crazy. afterwards, we were on the bus and he puts his arm around me and i lay my head on his shoulder, we weren't talking just complete silence. i don't think i've ever been so nervous in my entire life, the anxiousness was so overwhelming i was shaking, my head my spinning, my heart was pulsating so fast i thought i was going to have a heart attack. i felt like i was half in his mind because i felt as if he was thinking // feeling the same way as i was. he had to get off at a different stop than me and i knew i had to say something, i had to be fearless. i could feel the words creep up in my throat and then all of sudden i said "you know whats a good idea?" and he's like "what?" and i hesitate and bite my lip and as i look down at my vibrant, hot pink doc martens i breathe the words "we should date." he looks at me and says "actually?" half shocked and half knowingly. i said "yeah, like just try it out, we don't have to put a label on it, we can just see what happens." he pauses and says "can i think about it?" and i just reply with a mundane "yeah." it was silence for 2 minutes and he says "its just that you're such an amazing friend and i don't want to jeopardize that." i nod and the rest of the ride was just silence. when it was stop he said he'd see me soon and gave me a hug.

i honestly can't believe i did that, that was probably THE MOST SCARIEST THING i've ever done in my entire life, hands down. half of me is content and proud of myself because i got the courage to say that and at least now its out there, the inevitable, fearful question floating above his head. and the other half of me feels like i fucked it up, and partially regrets it. i don't know how to feel right now, or whats right or whats wrong and lingering in anticipation is killing me. i felt like it was the right question to ask because there is an OBVIOUS ATTRACTION between us and everyone knows it, even strangers. all i can do is be patient with this. but maybe i just have to let go of everything i know, for now.


because as much as he's probably trying to untangle this situation, i'm just as terrified as he is.

Oh, and We The Kings is singing about my life.

my head is spinning 'cause of you (hey! hey! hey! hey!)
you've no clue what you do
you're the storm
let it rain
you've got eyes like a hurricane
(Hey, hey, hey, hey)
you've no clue what you do to me

------------------------------------------

the story
of your life is unwritten
so put me down as your ticket
don't even fight it

you're shaken
you're not sure of the ending
but let me be the beginning
just put it in writing

surrendering.

i know i'm not going to get anywhere if i don't take risks, if i let go of the hands of the unexpected. but i am terrified. as much as i'm falling for you badly, as much as i'm sure that you fancy me too. i am scared for the safety of my heart. i don't want it to be recycled again or torn or smashed or walked over or trashed. and i haven't felt this way in forever and i feel like i'm 15 again. everything is new, everything is enticing and you never know where this moment will lead to but maybe, i have to risk all of this right now to really feel this. and i am willing to sacrifice all this armor, all this protection, all the barriers i've built so carefully to keep my heart guarded. i'm throwing down my sword, all my defenses and surrendering myself to this attraction i have tried so hard to prevent. i am yours, take me away with all the wonders of your smile. i am terrified but i can't refute the fact that this organ beats so heavily in my chest when i think of you.

the last thing on your mind.

so here it is, being 18. so far its been a little over 6 hours since my birthday and i love it but i'm scared and nervous all at the same time. saturday i had a huge party at some penthouse my parents kindly rented out for me as a birthday gift because they knew i really wanted to throw a party and have a dance party.

lets just say it was freaking rowdyyy with 3 y's. it was super fun though, definitely something i'll remember....because the memories were quite hilarious not to mention insane and ridiculous. it was a random group of 30 kids that i knew. i actually invited some people i didn't know very well just for the hell of it but it turned out to be fantastic! i was a bit nervous since it was the first party i've ever thrown, like house party type deal. the setting: lots of food filled with grease, cholesterol, sugar and carbohydrates, an epic dance playlist ranging from pop punk to random techno, 40's of alcohol, tequila shots and tons of teenagers ready to fuck shit up.

i think it was a good way to celebrate my newly position of "becoming an adult" whatever thats supposed to mean. because if this is growing up, i'm terrified but love it all the same. it was really good seeing friends i hadn't hung out with since graduation and being with my besties and a couple of cute boys i knew. there wasn't any drama and thank god nothing was destroyed, nothing got spilt on and no one party puked on the floor.


whats standing out the most for me is you. how you came to the party just for me. not to even to meet new faces. just to see me. you could've gone with nate and allan, like you usually do. but no, you were there for me. and somehow that makes my heart smile a whole lot. the downside of all this is my dented memory. fucking tequila. this is what you get when you get too drunk. but from what i remember is this. all time low's "damned if i do ya" in the background the lines "tequila shot in the dark scene of the crime" reverberating off the walls, us singing loudly and coincidentally at that moment doing tequila shots. i recall dancing with you and its as if all the lights were entangled together folding into a perfect moment, just me and you and the music. you'd twirl me around and cleverly catch me in a way so you could hold me. it was cute. I remember letting the alcohol and loud, crashing sounds of techno, pop punk, random top 40 take me away. I was full of energy. Delirious. Ridiculous. and i had you completely wrapped around my finger, unknowingly. i remember your compliments. i remember you trying to not act a bit embarrassed for me because i was being inappropriate at times not to mention the amounts of absurdity that fell from my lips. but still you laughed and you smiled. and it didn't matter how drunk i was, or all the outrageous things i said or did. it seemed that all that mattered was that i was there within your presence, and you were grateful. now that i think of it, you were there for me to just celebrate my birthday and see me smile. knowing all of this makes my heart detonate into millions. i remember you having to leave, i remember kissing your cheek. i didn't want you to leave but you had to. and it was stupid, cliche "love" story right there.

and this is just the beginning of all of this. you know when everyone knows something and they don't tell you until 84093284290348 years later? that's all my friends right there. everyone at the party knew. i think it was brave of him to even act the way he did. i mean even though with the intoxication, i was subtle i didn't do anything noticeable. but there was immense flirting. i think everyone could see how bloody apparent, not to mention feel how intense our chemistry was. i heard it a million times the next morning. everyone telling me he was following me the entire night, that we were both attached to the hip. its funny and a tad embarrassing just because i can't recall certain moments. but all in all i know. the attraction is there. he brings out my best. and somehow i try and convince myself that i don't fancy him, that i can't allow myself to do this but i'm just in denial. i remain assured that he is attracted to me because there is physical, hard copy evidence and my god, its hilariously embarrassing yet it brings me a sort of strange content. i cannot explain. its crazy how evident the chemistry is between us. and everyone knows. i am hesitant in what the future holds, but whatever it is i'm ready for it. scared shitless but i'm excited. and this is what my mum meant when she said my heart is opening.

i can't even lie to myself. this is just too fucking cute beyond description.

the truth is, i am ashsamed. i am so fucking ashamed. and i regret it all. i don't know why the only one night stand that affects me the most is with jeremy. but i know the reason, once all the layers are shedded. its because i actually go to school with him. i see him every wednesday and i can't even allow myself to be friends with him, or be civil or have any sort of communication with him unless it has to do with school. every time i see his face i cringe, it makes me want to die right there because all i think about is how i was so incredibly stupid and impulsive at the time to hook up with him. i know we didn't have sex but the fact that shit happened between us makes me nauseous. i'm not really concerned if he tells people and word gets around because that's just one sided and they don't know my story. oh, that's the biggest reason why i feel so regretful. I TOLD HIM MY FUCKING STORY. but it wasn't even to have a connection for someone, for some god awful reason in my pathetically fucking mindless brain of mind i told my story for some sort of sympathy, some reaction of need and care in that specific moment in time. doing that makes me want to slit my wrists more than ever. but i know i am bigger than that. stronger than my demons. but i could easily slip. and i want to do it so badly. i've tried for so long to lie to myself, convince myself that i was okay with this but i'm not. its so difficult because now i'm put into a group project with him and all i want him to do is shut the fuck up and get the fuck out. actually. he may be 21 but he's one of the most immature people i know. he tries to act all "coo'" and be like a guy my age and its not very appealing. or the fact that he's older than me he looks down on me because i'm younger. FUCK OFF. i am way more emotionally stable than he is. i am a better person than him. i am not condescending. you can't change the past. we can't change what we've done so all i have is acceptance. responsibility. change - for the future.


on another note, i really miss the "scene kids" because they were into music that was real and honest. i remember all the bands from 9th grade, all the bands that understood my teenage angst, all the pain and suffering i felt at that specific moment in time. i miss bands like The Spill Canvas. Brand New. Taking Back Sunday. Old school Paramore. Hawthorne Heights. From First To Last. And of course all the pop punk. The Academy Is..., Old school All Time Low & Cobra Starship. blink-182. Panic! At The Disco (but only their first album.) Mae. Even old school Fall Out Boy. The Hush Sound. Jimmy Eat World. Something Corporate. & for me, Between The Trees.

I miss all of that. I'm so sick of this "indie//hipster" scene and everyone's into shitty electronic tunes meshed with pathetic acoustics and its really just techno but no. its distortion of sounds and crappy vocals. Don't get me wrong, I love a lot of "indie" bands but I am just so sick of it at the same time. I don't think "indie" music will ever make me feel as much as pop punk and alternative music will.




All right you win but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to god, if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming
Settle precious, I know what you're going through
Ten minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too...

We all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self-conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

3 am.

there's something about being awake at 3 am that makes me feel so alive. i find comfort in all the late hours of the night. i am notorious for being the biggest night owl. procrastination isn't what i'm suffering from, its this appeal that not getting things done makes me feel more rebellious or somehow in my own way i'm fighting the system. i don't know. i like listening to explosions in the sky, switchfoot and tiny dancer by elton john late, late at night. there's something captivating about the music you choose to listen to at random times of the day. all i know is that its raining, raining buckets. i can hear the raindrops reverberating off my rooftop and ironically, as much as i dislike the rain, tonight its calming. my tea's gone cold and its left a strange aftertaste in my mouth. the randomnest people start talking to me on facebook chat at all the late hours of the night. its funny and interesting and intriguing all at the same time. i won't over-analyze maybe i'm just one of those go-to people. but rob did say something that does hold a bit uncertainty. he told me he couldn't sleep, i told him to go to bed, he said well i got preoccupied talking to some girl. i'm not sure if it was directed to me or not but still, just a tinge of suspicion right there? i keep laughing in my sleep because i don't even know whats happening in my life right now, everything seems messy and disorganized. it isn't your typical chaos where the walls come crashing down and hopelessness comes into play, its more of a beautiful disaster, unknowingly giving birth to things i had forgotten about or to little tokens of hope. whatever the future is stirring up i'm ready for it. its all scary and enticing and strange but i like it. the unexpected will always be my best friend, i'll take it with me to my grave. i swear.

oh, and i've been feeling beautiful lately...consecutive days now that's pretty impressive. i will write about it later though.

but this, 3 am and inner peace and self-assurance and just blatantly content is enough to keep me going for tomorrow.

i can't even feel stupid about it. why me & my god awful pathetic teenage heart?
why do i feel embarrassed about this? ashamed? stupid?

sometimes i refuse to allow myself to fancy someone because i somehow convince myself it's stupid and not worth it. but i know i'm just lying to myself because sometimes you can't control how you feel. control. the one thing that i have yet the one thing i don't have at the same time. i don't get this at all.

losing the compass.

profession of expertise: heartbreaker.

i break too many hearts. this always happens. even if i don't do ANYTHING, i still end up breaking someone's heart. why does this always happen? i'm a nice person, or at least i like to think so. i don't lead boys on, or anyone on. i am just me. i am friendly. i don't give false hope. but somehow along the way even with my honesty, even when i clearly give the other a good idea that i am NOT interested in them i still hurt them. and all i am doing is being me. all i am doing is nothing. even if i don't say anything. heartbreaker. thats what i am. thats what my mum even says. i broke another heart today but eventually the truth had to be laid out. MJ was into me, he's 23. I'm 17. thats a pretty big age difference. i don't mind older guys but he just wasn't my kind of fancy. he's a nice person but not my type. he asked me he had heard from others that i wasn't interested in him and that he wanted the truth. i told him simply that i didn't feel the same way but i thought he was coo' as a friend and as a person and that i was sorry if i gave any false impressions. he said he was pretty bummed but that he can't blame me and that at least this it out of the way. i don't know why i feel so terrible about this, i guess i've always been someone who's tried to make others happy before myself. but when it comes to fancying people, especially if someone is interested me yet i am not interested in them i will never give them false hope. i've tried pretense on and its not attractive. it hurts people. it hurts me. and both sides are at a loss.

i feel like there's too many "boy issues" in my life right now. even steph thinks so. in her own words "you have so many boys in your life, i can't keep up." i think i need to go on strike again, but everyone knows i can't last that long without getting drunk or something and hooking up with someone because i am impulsive as fuck. it just always seems the guys i'm uninterested in are always into me and the boys i want i can never get their attention. funny how i have all these so-called males in my life yet i'm not dating any of them.

its always the boys i don't fancy i get and THE ONE BOY i fancy i can't seem to get attention from. you always want what you can't have. why does that happen? i mean EVERY SINGLE TIME i end up actually really fancying a boy i can never get his full attention. what is wrong here? and to the guys i'm not interested in, I CLEARLY paint a picture for them that i am attracted to them. truth be told, the male species i will never understand. ever.

my heart's all over the place. i don't even know anymore. it pulls me in every direction and i've lost the compass yet again. there's no use for a map because i can't even find north. poor little organ engulfed by confusion. i can't seem to make up my mind and that's the difficult part. damn my indecisive nature. the only thing left to do is just stay where i am, or let the wind take me where it may. i have no control over what will happen next. but as much as this kind of hurts, as much as i'm a bit scared with no sense of direction, i do like the unexpected, i always will and maybe just maybe i'll find something soon. whatever that may be.


& i'm a bit suspicious but this is probably my over-analyzing self talking, but i think rob fancies me, which is awkward because he's dylan's friend. he did go out of his way last night to talk to me and bbm me 'till 4 am when i fell asleep. ohwell.


i've been saying this a lot but whatever happens, happens.

i hate how my parents just break the moment completely with something that they both know will piss both my sister and i off so badly. i hate how they can't trust us that we won't burn the house down for 10 fucking days. since my cousin katie can't house watch they've decided to ask my grandparents to "babysit" us. i would rather live on the streets of hasting then within these four walls with my grandparents for that one week and 3 days. its not that i don't love them but they are immigrants from china and their traditions and rules i will not be able to bear. especially that i am notorious for late nights on weekends and not getting in till 4 am is of routine. also, the fact that i'm probably going to a couple gigs around that time and i will be partying. this also means no boys at the house, which is really dumb because some of my best friends are boys and one of them is hamish my lovely gay best friend. i'm not even talking about social suicide, its just going to be hell and prefer not getting a call every 20 minutes to know my exact location. and seriously, i'm turning 18 in two weeks. i may not be the most mature person ever but being used to my parents not coming home late my sister and i can survive that, and the fact that we've both gone overseas without parental supervision we had a lot of fucking independence and spent it well. we didn't get into trouble, we didn't party, we didn't get into any messes of any sort. i just don't get why they always have to do this. just because i do immature things and sometimes i'm naive and i can't do things doesn't mean i can't live with my sister by ourselves for 10 days without parental supervision. we aren't going to throw some massive party. are you kidding me? my house is way too fucking immaculate to trash and why would i do that in the first place? shit would get stolen in seconds.

this is so dumb. and maybe i'm overreacting but i am so sick of them thinking someone needs to baby me and my sister. jesus.

what i need is, all i need is, just a little emotion.

tonight i'm an optimist. tonight was a new beginning. tonight was a lot of things. but above all tonight was about being free. dylan didn't come to the gig like i wanted him to, i half-expected this to happen anyways. i got to the venue, met up with adam, jenny & her friend and the pomo kids aka dylan's friends rob and dan. since i'm quite indolent and its already 2:15 am i'm going to skip all the boring details. basically Lights was fucking amazing, Adam and I had our own dance party, we were basically the only ones who knew all her songs and danced like crazy motherfuckers. the crowd was lame, no one danced, no one was really into her songs. it was awkward with the pomo kids 'cause rob wasn't drinking since he was driving and i think its just 'cause we don't really know each other. i tried to make conversation with them but they weren't very sociable, moreso rob than dan. i got a bit drunk, tried to get adam drunk, epic fail.

----- i couldn't do without the deets. ------

it was intermission and adam wanted to go more towards the front, i grabbed his hand and led him through the crowd. we were in the middle ish and we were both stoked as hell. i felt bad for leaving jenny with the pomo kids but the thing, adam and i are IN LOVE with lights. actually. so lights came on and she played an epic set, basically adam and i started a dance party right then and there and there were moments where we'd just scream the lyrics to each other and no one else around us was dancing nor singing. lame. there were instances where he'd grab me and he'd put my arm around me, but i knew not to do anything because we're just friends. it was really funny 'cause we were both flailing our arms like crazy and not giving a shit who thought we were crazy and obnoxious because when i feel music, i feel it in its entirety and when its dancy music i dance like there's no tomorrow. after the gig i found the pomo kids and jenny, i don't think they enjoyed the gig as much we made small talk and i gave the pomo kids a hug. jenny told me after that rob asked her if adam and i were going out and she said no, which is true because i am single as 1 2 3. he said i'd be pretty lucky if i went out with adam because he thought he was pretty good looking (no homo.) adam and i laughed and i jokingly said "yeah, adam we should totally date." it was funny. i bused homed with him, even though his bus route was completely out of the way and took me twice as long to get home. we talked the entire way. although the whole night he kept playing with his hair 'cause he's got that whole Alex Gaskarth look down, y'know the side bangs, the hair that flips out and needs to be played with and tassled like legit 24/7. i kept calling him a tool and a manwhore, hey its true! i don't mind if a guy spends time on his hair but c'mon, all the fucking time? ridiculous. on the bus he was playing with his hair and i'm just like seriously adam, do you HAVE to fix it every second? and he's like to be honest, i can spend hours on my hair. i laughed. he's like help me fix it! so i fixed his hair for him. i felt a bit awkward putting my hands through his hair. haha. we talked the entire way about concerts and bands and how much we both love pop punk. i said bye to my raffiki and gave him a hug.

you know what's really annoying? how sometimes people say things and then you kind of start believing them, and then you get ideas and then you wonder what if? so now i'm thinking maybe adam and i could be something but preferably i'd like to keep him as a friend, i mean i could see us both ways. we would make a pretty cute couple but i'd rather be best friends with him. i don't know, he is really good looking and he's really smart and pretty mature for his age and has a good personality, not to mention we share similar music tastes and he's in a band and he sings and plays guitar. but i don't know i feel like something is missing here and the one year age difference isn't whats bothering me. i think honestly its the people we know and if we went out how fucked that could end up if something were to happy and things didn't work out. with our circle of friends, gossip spreads fast and there are liars.

again, i have no idea where this optimism is coming from but whatever happens happens. and i am over dylan. i mean i still think he is adorable as fuck but if someone doesn't want to get to know me, i mean afterall i did try and hang out with him twice and both times he's turned down, on top of that he doesn't have the decency to tell me himself that he can't come to these gigs shows that he clearly can't man up, and someone like that isn't worth my time. i'm sure he's a nice guy and yes, he makes an epic dance partner but if someone can't be spontaneous and let go for a couple of seconds and especially when someone is OBVIOUSLY showing interest in you you should at least try it, don't worry about hurting my feelings because i'm a strong enough person to deal with rejection, its happened all my life so why should i be afraid now? (typing that out was really fucking brave because i don't think i've ever admitted that until just this second.) i guess i'll never know why he didn't show or bothered to text back, whatever the reason it doesn't matter. all that matters is that i had fun, i turned the negative to positive and i'm learning to pick up the pieces. if this is growing up, i feel pretty proud of this.


p.s i think i recycle boys hearts like there's no tomorrow, and i think part of me does fancy adam. fuck. but nonetheless my heart is open. and i am just letting things unfold.

love your wounds, mend your heart.

i think with destruction comes rebirth. you can tear down the walls, burn all the bridges, scream at the chaos and watch everything catch fire but when it all becomes ashes whats left to do? you can cry at the scenery, regret all you want and bury yourself in frustration or you can look at the wreckage and pick up the pieces. reconstruction. repairing all that was lost. all that was broken.

if anything, this last week has been a rollercoaster of emotions. it was difficult. some of the longest and painful days and nights i haven't endured in quite a long time. i haven't felt like an emotional wreck in forever and the pain that resurfaced scared me. i forgot how much all this hurt, how numb i could feel and how fucking hard it was to get back up on the ledge. but i know that this too shall pass and it did. we are in control of every minute we live. we have choices. and it'll always be a struggle to make the next right choice. every day is a learning process. and i am still healing but the scars are fading so beautifully, physically and mentally. i'm so glad i got "believe" with the sparrow tattooed on my left wrist. i stare at it all the time and remember all the paroxysms, all the turmoil i've been through. and i think to myself. i have survived.

its strange, a lot of people in my life have been going through so much and i am their shoulder to lean on. and i don't know what it is but i just know they can make it through. because pain is universal and no one said it was ever going to be easy. no one said you had to walk through it alone. i think i've learned to reach out for help instead of bottling it all up and expecting the pain to just vanish one day. sometimes all this affliction is too much. we need someone to help us. there are times where i need to be on the phone with someone, even if there's just silence just knowing someone is on the other line is enough.

to be honest, i've always had insecurities about my appearance but they were never said out loud. it was always in my own solitude i would criticize myself. i would never fish for compliments, i would never deliberately call out my faults in front of people so they'd feel sorry for me. it was always in the quiet. or in the silence of conversations. i would constantly compare myself to the people around me. to my best friends. to the girls who i thought were pretty in all those magazines. all those scene queens tearing up the internet. it was a continual fight within myself, always asking "why can't i look like that? why can't i be like that?" always always always wanting what i couldn't have. its strange because somewhere along the way, this year i started to really appreciate the girl in the mirror. in a quiet moment, i actually looked at myself straight in the eye and thought "damn, i'm beautiful." and words like that are hard to come by. days where i actually feel pretty are rare and you have to make them count.

its funny and scary all at the same time knowing i've actually came this far. that i'd never see the day where all that was detrimental, all that was bruised and scratched have healed. that i've finally learn to love myself with all my countless flaws, all my scars - mentally and physically. its a magical thing i find, to still find beauty within yourself even on your worse days, even when you look disheveled as fuck and you've got scraped knees, a broken heart and a mind full of chaos. strange how i can still find the light in these personal quagmires of mine. i like my eyes, my hair, my used-to-be-cheekbones, my lips, my collarbones, my stomach, my hipbones, my scar stained legs, even my small boobs and petite frame and even the dents displayed on my left arm from numerous razorblade inflictions.

my heart is open, the creases of my lips have turned into smiles, my eyes no longer speak torment nor chaos.

this is me and i am beautiful.

dear kendahl,

you're going to be okay. you've made it out alive before. and right now i know your heart is hurting. your mind is chaos. and it feels like october again. it feels awful. and this hurts. but you are going to move through this. you are going to be okay. you are going to find the life in you again. you are the most real person. everyone says that. you know that. you are the strongest person. even kelly knows that. even your mum knows it. everyone knows that you have grown so much. you have made superb progress. it is almost 9 months. it is almost a year. almost 365 days. you can do this. you can pull through this. you cannot sumbit yourself to the pain. you have to fight this. and people will hold your hand. you are not alone. you are not fake. you are not artificial. you just made mistakes and you need to accept them and take them into account. you cannot rewrite the past. whats happened happened. but remember who you are and what you stand for. believe in the music. believe in nature. believe in the sun and the moon and the stars. you are alive in this world. you are beautiful. you inspire. you have to fight for yourself. for everyone that matters. for friends and family. fight for the music. for art. for autumn and sunsets. for concerts. for the little things. for the jonai. for all that you love. for paris. for kenya. for india. for all your adventures and the ones soon to come. fight for polaroid pictures and tons of bracelets. fight for days spent at the park. and nights with your best friends in completely recklenessness. fight for coffee conversations. fight for all those kids that make you smile. fight for love. fight for it all. because you can do this. YOU WILL MOVE THROUGH THIS. this feeling inside, thats rotting at your interior it will subside. smile for a brighter day because you weren't meant to cut your minutes short. pain is universal and these times are hard. we get stuck in moments but you are NEVER alone in your perils. scream if you have to. until someone hears you. scream till your lungs hurt. remember: "life is about choices. we become our choices. it is possible to change."

you make the sun shine.


"You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets."

yours truly,

your teenage heart.
xx

synthetic skin. strip it away. reveal my flaws.

i've been awake for more than 24 hours. for some reason i thought i could discipline myself and be productive and get work done, but i've wasted the last 8 hours doing shit all and thinking too much and being so fucking unfocused. i don't even feel the pressure to get what needs to be done. but for some reason i find comfort in lack of sleep. in being awake at all the quiet hours. it has nothing to do with insomnia. its like a competition with myself. seeing how long i can go without sleep. but i just waste time. i waste it by the minute. and its scary how fast time goes by. seconds. minutes. hours. just vanishing.

i think i'm getting back into my skin again. just a little bit. i've been out of control lately. too much partying. too many late nights. too many shots. too many cigarettes. too many mornings looking disheveled as fuck. greasy hair. losing shit. meeting new people. getting scandalous. making out. waking up with last night's make up on. young and reckless. that's what they say. i am your typical angsty, naive, crazy teenager.

sunday night was particularly difficult. i've drank numerous times before but i never ever get a hang over up until sunday morning. i felt like death. that wasn't even the worse part. it was waking up with glitter all over my face, clothes on the floor, awake in someone else's bed, completely at a loss of what the fucking fuck happened last night type deal. you wake up your friend, you get your clothes on, you try and fix your face, you awkwardly say by to the boy who you were being affectionate with the night before. i felt like a fucking prostitute walking out of that apartment building. yeah, i get pretty trashy and i joke about it all the time but i literally felt like i had sold my body for money. even though that didn't even happen. i didn't have sex. but i felt so fucking degraded and used and abused and god awful. i slept for the entire afternoon after washing off all the glamour. stripping myself of my halloween costume. all the stuff that makes you pretty completely shedded. i woke up still feeling like shit and it made me even more frustrated that kelly flaked out on me for the billionth time. suddenly it felt like 2 years again. suddenly the demons i had destroyed long ago resurfaced. i just broke down. i cried. and i hadn't cried in a month or more. it was a strange feeling but it was bottled up emotions that needed to be liberated. i was mad. i was frustrated. i was depressed. i was regretful. i was feeling all the degradation i kept telling myself i was okay with. bottom line, i am self-destructive. the party scene isn't all fun and kisses. it isn't just living in the moment and having a fucked mentality for a couple of hours. it isn't just making a complete fool of yourself because you're never going to see these faces again. it isn't just being free, young and reckless. sometimes it gets out of hand. sometimes you get too caught up in it. and sometimes you lose control of everything. i realize that this is unhealthy. this pattern of constantly being in an intoxicated state. it spells danger.

i feel so artificial. as if every genuine part of me has faded or has somehow lost it self in this process. i feel so frustrated and angry and i keep waking up to tired eyes and a sad mind. i don't know how to get back up off my feet and know that everything will be okay. i don't know how to do this or be myself again. i feel like i know i have all the proper tools and devices to move through this but somehow i just keep ending up feeling sick to my fucking stomach. this is more than just putting myself into disastrous situations, this is more than random hookups and boys, this is about me losing myself and everything i stood food. see. stood. past tense. i don't know who the fuck i am anymore and i just need someone to slap me across me the face and tell me to wake up and tell me its going to be okay, that this too shall pass, that i'm beautiful and that this doesn't define me.


i need to know that i am alive. that every day is worth it again. that the storms that i have somehow orchestrated will disappear soon enough. that getting up in the morning, i have choices. i have control and that i can change. i just need a piece of hope, even if its the smallest, weakest string, i need to hold onto that.

twisted knots.

i keep listening to owl city because it makes me feel closer to you. i listen to "self-conclusion" by the spill canvas because that's where you got the idea for the name of your band. i listen to bon iver because it makes me think of what we could have.

but you don't know any of it. you don't have a goddamn clue how much you're pulling at my heart strings, how i wish i could feel your embrace again. your lanky body, your long bony arms, your messy dark hair. i want to taste you again. your lips brushing against mine. and i just want to feel alive again. because i keep telling myself i am, or this is it or this is how i should feel but i don't know anymore. and i know i could initiate conversation, it looks easy but it isn't. i can feel myself being too forceful and something like this needs patience. i keep hearing two different sides. one saying, "you only live once, stop hesitating and just go for it." and the other saying "you can't push this, you have to let it be." i don't know what to do but i am leaning more towards option two.

i wish you didn't live so far away. i wish you were interested like how you were before. i wish i could get to know you. i want to know you. this ridiculous ordeal is making my brain work on overdrive. my heart is all confused and has lost all sense of direction. my stomach is twisting and knotting. please free me of this feeling because i don't want to [[love]] you this way. it hurts too much and i wish you didn't infect my memory, the way you do.

but in the back of my mind, in the bottom of my heart i want you to sing
"heaven's not a place that you go when you die, its that moment in life when you touch her and you you feel alive."

somersaults.

i saw you today. and my heart did a thousand sommersaults. i was half drunk and you walked in the venue and stood in front of me. i whispered to steph "that's him." she giggled and nudged me to talk to him. i said later. we walked out so i could breathe, so i could contemplate. we re-entered the building and steph whispers to me "he looked over at you." i smiled. i was nervous. i couldn't believe this. i couldn't stop biting my lip out of anxiousness. i kept looking at you. my head bobbed up and down to the comforting acoustic guitar and soothing voice of Kiddo's lead man. i think you saw me from the corner of your eye. i watched you go up front and do a little dance. i laughed and smiled. i liked how you weren't afraid. you didn't have a care in the world who was watching you, you just listened to the music and danced. even if it was awkward and funny and weird all at the same time. the song faded and everyone went out. steph and i moved to the back to sit on chairs. i watched you exit and enter. you sat down alone with an empty chair beside you. steph nudges me and says "go, talk to him." i tell her i can't. she says "do you want me to go with you?" but i know the answer. i needed to be brave. i tell her "no, i need to do this myself." out of fear and courage i walk up to him and do an awkward wave in the face accompanied by a hello, i sit next to him. i ask him how he is and he says "fantastic." i smile. we talk about the band Right and how he's known the guitarist, Dave for so many years but has never made it out to one of his shows. i reassure him that they're pretty good live as i've seen them a couple of times. you tell me how they changed their sound and how its all mellow now and how they used to be more dancy. i like it when you talk about music and how you love dancy beats. then begins the semi-awkward silence but i ask you what school you go to and what you're studying. you tell me you're just taking whatever and you inform me about philosophy and how you enjoy that class and how you are all over the place. i laugh, i secretly admire how you don't know what direction your life is going, i comment and say well that's good you're experimenting. now that i recall, i smiled and laughed way too much when in your presence. you ask me about school and i tell you i want to major in photography. steph comes over and sits next to me and she knows i am way too happy. i feel bad because we both know the awkward silence, how we want to say something but the question is what to ask?



i nudge you and ask how your bands doing. you laugh and tell me how you want to create a 5 piece band but school is consuming your time. you tell me how you jot down ideas every now and then for future reference to create songs. danny comes along and starts talking to us. i feel a bit more comfortable because he’s always a laugh. Right comes on and we are ordered to move our chairs to the very front. they start off we mellow songs and then Leon tells us we are free to stand and dance now. you get overly excited. both you and danny. i stand behind you, i didn’t feel like it was necessary to be right beside you. i listened to the lyrics, the way the guitars and vocals and drums and piano clashed. i watched you move with the music. i laughed. i wondered. i wanted to hold your hand. you look back every now and then. and i m okay with not saying anything to you throughout the set. i like watching you awkwardly dance with your hand gestures meshed with hXc dancing and moshing // swaying. its entertaining. as the night starts to end i tell steph and her bf to leave without me, i tell them i need to say bye to people. to be honest, I’ve NEVER put myself so much out of my comfort zone in this type of situation before. EVER. so there i was alone, without moral support, and the only people i knew were acquaintances. i start chatting with miggy just because he s funny even though he s half an asshole but he s nice to me. dave sees me and says hi and thanks me for coming out to the show, i give him a hug. i thought migz was going to follow me outside but apparently not so i walk out and start talking to danny. we have really strange conversations. mostly it was him being super hyper and telling me about all his magic tricks...that weren’t actually magic tricks at all. you re in our little circle and i can see your awkward stance. i ask the two of you if you fancied the gig, you said you did but not really. truth, i love your awkwardness it just adds to all the other random details I’ve noticed about you.

the one thing that stands clearly in my mind is how something tells me you're broken. that whoever loved you last hurt you, and the scars run deep. but you hide it well. i can see it in your eyes, the way you're scared. afraid to love again. you're kind, i know it but you didn't really show an interest in me and you know what? i'm perfectly okay with that. because i know you're a tad timid and you're confused and hurt and lost. whatever happens, happens. but i will say that seeing you tonight made my heart smile, even if the feelings aren't returned because i am more content of the fact that i went out of my ordinary boundaries. that i surprisingly managed to keep conversation going with people who i don't know very well, especially with the fact i was pretty sober by the end of the night. and perhaps there was no drunken kisses tonight but i felt like i was myself, not too pushy, not trying too hard, and plus i gave you a hug. you're freaking adorable and i hope that one day i can show you that i can carry your heart.

my heart smiles.

the fact that i may potentially see you tomorrow is both scary, nerve-wrecking, enticing and exciting all at once.

i haven't had butterflies like these in a really long time. i can't even remember the last time i actually really fancied someone. that kind of crush when you wait for him all day to go online and just knowing he's there makes your heart flutter, even if you don't end up saying anything to him. the kind where you forget all the words you spent hours rehearsing so you don't say the wrong thing. the kind where he's on your mind, all the freaking time. is there a cure for this? because i have tried so hard to rid myself of this feeling. its so tormenting and interesting at the same time. i haven't talked to you in 2 weeks but it was for my own good because i didn't want to seem pushy, ohman. the mathematics of "love." i don't know what it is, what THIS is. there's this feeling inside that is screaming and yelling at the top of its lungs shouting to world that this is it, this is the start of something new. and i'm not even sure what it is but this feeling keeps pulsating, it started off as a whisper, which slowly turned into a scream. it keeps saying that you have to believe in this, even though you're scared, even though you don't know what to do, even though this is painful. believe.

i don't know why i have so much reassurance. that somehow, even though this seems so ridiculously absurd it is going to happen. its funny, because everyone believes in it too. i don't know how i am so sure. but i can feel it in all these songs speaking to me. i can feel it when i think of you. i don't know why i have so much hope in this. maybe its because i know you're just as broken as me. that you're intriguing. that i want to get to know you better. know you're story. all your likes and dislikes. how your mind unravels. the way your heart works. i still don't believe it was the drunkenness when we kissed. i don't believe it at all. i could feel myself smiling. i can't even explain the feeling but it felt like i already knew you. and everything in that moment felt perfect. that's probably the closest i'll ever get to perfection and that was sheer bliss.

i think i'm delusional, but there's a part of me that holds so much faith in this. it is bellowing from my insides. i liked the way the music moved us both that night. how it felt like forever in those 4 hours. and every time i listen to owl city, bon iver or the spill canvas i think of you. i just want to let you trust me in this, let me protect your heart, i will carry it everywhere with me. and i'd hope you'd do the same. for some reason the only thing that seems ideal is just laying down next to you on a bed. just laying down next to another human being, skin to skin contact. just feel your embrace. not even have sex. just lay there together, have conversations, we can deconstruct life's calamities together. i would tell you about my adventures abroad, about all the kids that could just smile at you and erase every fear, flaw, insecurity or bit of sadness and frustration you've ever felt in your entire life. you would tell me about music and how songs mean so much to you. you would tell me about the day you witnessed the car crash and how your heart felt heavy. i would tell you my stories and you would kiss my scars. we would laugh. and scream. and sing. us against the world. we would be infinite.

this is me.

i feel like i need to properly introduce myself or something. anyways...

i'm kendahl. i'm seventeen and reckless. my mind is a giant abyss, full of mysterious corners i am exploring every day. music and art mean more to me than anything, i can't even fully express how those two components almost make me up entirely and without their existence i would be nothing. in fact, music affects me more than it should. i am dreamer. a fighter. a lover. i care too much about things beyond my control. i'm strong minded. i have a huge heart and i always forgive people, even if they've damaged me a whole lot. i fail at holding grudges // staying mad at someone for a long period of time. i used to have really severe depression and self-injure and was fucked up for a good majority of my life, i'm happy // proud to say i have fought my demons and i've climbed out of the darkness. i've been successfully 8 months clean. i love traveling and the 3 places that have had a major impact on me are india, kenya and paris. i love getting drunk. tequila is my favourite. i don't mind getting rowdy every now in then, especially with my good friends or really anyone. i really like meeting new people. i love fashion and consider it an art and a way of self-expression. people think i may have a hard exterior but trust me, i don't judge anyone because i know for a fact EVERYONE has a story whether we care to admit it or not. To Write Love On Her Arms has been a massive influence in my life and i have supported them since almost the beginning, that's 3 and a half years now. Jamie Tworkowski is the one person who I want to meet in the entire world and if i ever do get the chance to do so, i can die happy. His words have saved me on numerous occasions and i thank him for that in every way. i have minor OCD but only when it comes to my nails (they always have to be painted) and i don't like it when my food touches one another when arranged on a plate. i lovelovelovelove concerts, i cannot reiterate enough how much they mean to me. just the adrenaline that you feel and feed off from everyone, screaming your lungs out to all the lyrics, seeing your favourite band and moshing the fuck out. there is nothing more beautifully rebellious then letting your hair go and hardcore dancing. that point at a concert where you, the band/artist and everyone are all singing together in harmony is my favourite thing ever. just the feeling of being alive. i love dance parties. end of story. i am ridiculously obsessed with the Jonas Brothers and have no denial in telling everyone that I do. i listen to pretty much any type of music. i like to think i have easy ears. autumn is my favourite season. i like going to thrift stores, i love cheap shit. sometimes i can be timid if i feel intimidated. you'll know i'm thinking a lot if i'm being really quiet. i have random outbursts of laughter. i think i can sing well but i'm too embarrassed to sing in front of anyone except for my family. i've been a pescetarian for 2 years. aka pretty much vegetarian diet but still involving seafood. i have a knack for collecting large amounts of jewelery; everything from necklaces, bracelets, earrings to rings. i like big sweaters. i love cuddling and spooning. cliche. i know. photography is my medium of choice. i friggin love polaroids and wish film cameras weren't becoming outdated. i am obsessed with Parisian culture. i often feel like my life is a movie that just hasn't been actually documented yet. i do really weird things sometimes, like if my head is filled with chaos i'll go to the park and spend 3 hours there and just go on the swings and listen to Bon Iver or some cute, acoustic crap that sings about teenage angst. every day i get inspired. i like reading but i wish i could do it more. i love reading into people with fucked up lives, i don't know there is something so very intriguing about this world filled with broken people. sometimes i get motivated but its always so much easier said than done. all my friends are different from me, i love diversity. i cannot handle labels, and categories and shoving everything and everyone into specific boxes. i think too much. i think i'm pretty intuitive, its kind of scary. most days, i am in love with life. i think i have a quiet self-confidence. i have a hard time expressing what i think sometimes. i'm a night owl and have really awkward sleeping patterns. i sleep backwards on my bed. i just realized i have been doing this for the past 2 years. when i believe in something, i put all my passion into it and i feel like my soul is set on fire, i feel invincible. i love 3 am drunkenness and walking along the streets at night alone or with my besties. i think i have developed a smoking problem. i'm not proud of it but to be honest there is something very classy about it. you can blame Paris for that. british accents make me melt. i don't care i will always love boys in tight pants. seriously. i love people unconditionally even if we hardly talk or if they've ever hurt me. i am considered pretty "white washed" but take pride in my heritage. a lot of people think i either look philippino, cambodian, hawaiian or a halfer. i am chinese okay. sometimes i will just lie on my bedroom floor and listen to a song on repeat extremely loud for hours. i love sleeping but never get enough of it. my hair never goes the way i want it to. i only like cliches when i experience them for myself. tea > coffee any day. i could be bi if i wanted to but i like boys, i don't know i'm pretty whatever about my sexuality. on occasion i do drugs but that's only MDMA and salvia. and to be honest the hype about e is dumb and pretty decent. i like sex. there. but i'm done with one night stands. i have really fucking weird conversations in my head sometimes. i day dream way too much. i curse like a sailor. i love my family and friends and are the most amazing people in the entire planet. i love listening to people's stories. i have a shoe fetish. i collect old film cameras. i wish i lived in the 60's, 70's and 80's just too experience all the amazing revolutions that happened and woodstock and real good-old-fashioned rock n' roll. i think about all the international friends i've met and think about what exactly they're doing at this exact time and day. i do that with the bands i like too. i have a thing for guys with those side bangs, musical talent (especially guitar), artistic and read. i think i'm smart but i don't use it to my advantage. this isn't about dwellin in arrogance but a lot of people think i'm going to be "famous." i still don't understand what this means. my mum likes to think i have this "star quality" i think i semi-comprehend it but i feel vain if i kind of know its the truth. i don't make sense 90 % of the time. i can read people's energies. i love gingers. i am a closet star wars and star trek fanatic. i think its truly incredible the ridiculous amount of weird faces i am capable of making. i have 3 drunk faces. i don't like structure, but i think its necessary in certain situations. i am a walking contradiction. i love rooftops. and trees. and skylines. and birds. and rainbows. and ugly dolls. i like a lot of things. ignorance is the one thing i have absolutely no tolerance for. i like piercings and tattoos. oh and the hype about tattoos is really dumb too, it all depends on your pain tolerance, how big your tat is and where you get it. my favourite weather is when its sunny but its raining at the same time. i will always be jealous of all the girls bands sing about. i have strange habits; when i fancy someone i will listen to their favourite band because it makes me feel closer to them. i dwell frequently in infatuation and fantasy. honesty, community and love are essential. i like quiet mouths with loud souls. i am the epitome of an oxymoron.






i am too lazy to write more. this was a pointless entry. maybe i will add to it another day.

get reckless. get going. wake up and realize.

i don't what this feeling is that keeps beating in my chest. this voice growing louder and louder within me. but its starting to shake the walls. its starting to scream. and i'm starting to believe it all.

its funny, i find myself at the strangest times. i realize things when its just after climax of anger or depression or frustration. and perhaps this is better, waiting for the terrible feeling to subside. knowing this too shall pass. knowing i can make it through. once next saturday is over i will be able to say i have survived. survived october. because october is always hard for me to come by. 2 years ago i hit rock bottom, literally. i was more than a mess. i was chaos. my body stained with red lines. horizontal. vertical. diagonal. the word "numb" carefully carved into my left arm. everything was suppose to hurt. i was suppose to feel. but i couldn't feel a thing. i was nothing. my mentality wasn't the open-mindedness and freedom it is today. it was a hurricane of thoughts. all i wanted was to be non-existent. to stop breathing. to feel the air expire. to have my heart stop beating. get asphyxiated. dead.

i was hospitalized for a couple of days because my parents and psychiatrist thought i was going to commit suicide in the next few days. to be honest, i remember planning my death. i think it was the wednesday i was put in the hospital and that friday i remember i was going to slit my wrists as hard and deep as i could and hope that i hit an artery or something and bleed to death. i remember not wanting to be alive.

And here I am 2 years later. Alive. Flawed. But happy. Finally. If anything, everyone will have a time in their life where they hit rock bottom. And it is your wake up call. I know what it's like to feel encompassed by darkness. Like everything is so helpless. hopeless. And you can't seem to comprehend how everyone keeps moving forward when you're living in slow motion, watching people pass by and living and you don't know how to get there. To be happy. You want it but it feels so far. I know that feeling. The mentality of liking being fucked up. because it gives you an excuse somehow that you're "different" that you've been broken, that you're damaged and no one can comprehend you because your problems are too complex for any human being to understand. I know the feeling all too well. How somehow in that moment where you're so overwhelmed you feel stuck. Unable to move. You don't know how to move forward. And everything spells disaster. But I know that pain is universal. And this era of darkness will pass. It'll take time. It is a process. You won't just wake up the next morning feeling better. I have had too many consecutive nights and days feeling numb and helpless. I don't know what it is but all I can say is you have to fight for yourself. Know that people love you. Because even though you aren't able to see the pain you're causing to them the people that matter will love you no matter what, even with all your imperfections, all the shit you put them through. But fight for them. Fight for the things you call important. Fight for your dreams. music. art. tomorrow. Because I promise you you will find a brighter day. And when it comes, know that you are alive.

the past few weeks have been nostalgic but a learning process. every day i learn something new. i always look forward to tomorrow...well most days. every day is a revolution. i'm starting to really believe in things. in people. in myself. in the music. in all the tiny details. in fairy tales. in things people think are absurd. in spontaneity. in art. in adventures. in all the cracks that form. in acceptance. in my voice. oh, and i'm up to 4 tattoos now. i got "believe" tattooed on my left wrist with a sparrow underneath about 2 weeks ago. it hurt like a bitch but i have to say with my strange pain tolerance only certain parts hurt compared to others.

"believe your voice can mean something."

so friday night i went to a halloween party. i felt kind of old considering it was mostly gr 11s & 12s. but its all good 'cause everyone was tanked as fuck and thank fucking god i was drunk. things got pretty rowdy. damn teenage grinding and overly hormonal fifteen year olds. too many alcoholic beverages and sloppy make out sessions. halloween costumes and chain smoking like a no good motherfucker. drugs and loud music. god knows, i at least was way classier at fifteen. not to mention innocent. i can't believe how juvenile some people are. nonetheless, i was pretty damn good. restricting myself, no kissing any boys because my heart belongs to some dumb boy that lives in pomo and doesn't even know he's pulling at my heart strings.

"you know how to do recklessness with class." as Alex says. damn straight i do.

i'm just a hot mess.

dancing it out.

l - r; kelly as frank the bunny, hamish & i being fierce, marisa making everyone a bunny.

the crew.

yeah, mish & i are quite the pair and hXc chain smoke when intoxicated.

fierce fuckers.

the awesome germans we met.

marisa, mish & i are the ultimate dance team.

i love dance parties.

this always makes me laugh, i don't know why.

hot mess.

friday nights; i love candids.

meese and i.

supermodels. ha.

i feel like the only girl out there who hasn't felt what [love] really is.










and i hate it.

this is my freedom.

the last couple days have been a roadtrip from my heart to my mind and back. i don't think its normal to feel this alive for so many consecutive days but maybe this is living. really living. if anything, i've moving through the pain, i'm growing up, growing into my own skin, letting the scars heal naturally. i think in all my 17 years my heart is finally open.

i've been living for quiet moments. like listening to the music that makes you feel so alive, that understands you on long bus rides. i love autumn, the way the colors all fall to the ground. skeletons of trees. acoustic guitar and cups of tea. messy hair. layers of sweaters. questioning, always.

if things with dylan are meant to be, they're meant to be. i have to remember i have NO CONTROL over the situation. its funny, i've been so impatient and yesterday he said he could go to the Gossip gig with me and now he can't. at first my heart felt heavy, so i went to bed, slept for 5 hours. i woke up feeling brand new but almost as if i was still dreaming. i thought i was dreaming that he wasn't coming. i wanted it to be a lie so bad. but it wasn't. and surprisingly, i'm okay with that. back to my point. before this whole dylan "dilemma" i lived for the unexpected, i constantly held hands for it, the words "let it be" tied around my neck. and just within the past what? 5 days i completely forgot those words i live my life by. i indulged in impatience, always trying to take control over the situation, over-analyzing. and look where i ended up? disappointed. but hey, every day's a learning process.

also, i've become really interested with the whole concept of "the laws of attraction" i don't know. perhaps to some it sounds absurd but i suppose i semi-believe it. believe. i completely agree with the fact that if you think positively, good things will happen to you. my mum always says "send out the love, even to those who have hurt you in the past, you wish them the best in their lives." i think if you send out the love, you'll receive it in return. but to "get what you want" doesn't just take believing, it takes effort. its an entanglement of both. you have to put you're entire focus in it, all your faith in it. you need to silence the fear. the insecurities. the doubts. completely abolish negativity. conversely, you have to accept whatever happens happens. believe that everything happens for a reason. but never stop believing. never give up. because you have to fight for it, you've got to want it.

i'm glad i have my mum to go to nowadays for advice. she is like buddha. haha. if anything, i am so grateful for everything's she's done for me and i am so friggin proud of her. i know her company is getting a shitton of recognition lately and a lot of people have made offers to her to buy her company but she loves it too much and all the people she works with to give it up. and i know her success is gonna explode. i know within the next couple of years its going to get big, its going to be supernova. but i love my mum. and she deserves everything. i actually talked to her about the whole "dylan situation" and she said "we're artists, we never take the easy way out, its always going to be difficult." but i understood. i like it when she tells me stories of how i was as a kid and how certain quirks still haven't changed. the fact that threats have never brought me down, honestly. i could have 83494829 time outs in one day and i wouldn't give a shit. my mum would take away my iPod or whatever music device i had at the time, i didn't care i would find another one or borrow my sister's. or the fact that i've always been a strong minded person with a strong personality. i've never been afraid to really be myself. to voice my opinions. she always tells me how i'm kind of a magnet for people. how i have some sort of personality or whatnot that attracts people. i think thats true. but i've only believed it now because i am finally in a state where i have centered myself, a place where i finally love myself.

& truth be told, whatever it is that has made me finally centered i am proud of myself. i am so close to 9 months without SI-ing. it's fucking insane! when you're in that state of mind where you feel so helpless, hopeless and overwhelmed. legit rock bottom. you think you're trapped forever, that happiness feels so distant, and you want it so bad but you don't know how to get there. but from what i know. it is a process. and being alive, you have to want it. you need to fight for it. for yourself. your heart. your friends. your family. for music. for all the things you call important. because it matters. and maybe today is blue but never fear tomorrow. because somewhere along the way, you will become your own revolution.

p.s i've started to use my tumblr a lot more, its main purpose is just to post pictures of things that inspire me or however i felt that day. its basically a bunch of whateverness. there's not a lot of context. but click the picture below if you want to check it out: