i really want to start using this blog again, even if no one reads it, i miss a place where i can be almost-faceless and spill my thoughts onto blank pages.
often, i forget how young we really are and what we're doing is crazy. i know a lot of people are in relationships, i know a lot of people that want to be in a relationship, i know that relationships are difficult, i know that they are also amazing. i feel like the last 7 months of my life have been something out of a movie. but i'll save that explanation for another day.
i feel overwhelmed at the thought of us sometimes, not that i'm complaining because we are great. okay. absolutely fucking fantastic. but there are these moments, alone in my own solitude and i can feel the fear breathing on my neck, asking me to take me away and somehow everything gets a little bit darker. it terrifies me that this one, particular individual now has the power to completely destroy everything in a second and can repair it all in 5. and no matter how many days you are absent even if it's just for 24 hours i'll always miss you. always. it's really silly, i must admit you're only gone for a week yet the solitude feels so foreign to me now. i can't remember what it's like to be alone not in the sense of loneliness but just enjoying your own company, a calming sort of isolation.
my mum always tells me to not let people define my own happiness but i can't help but feel in some way that he is the ultimate source of my contentment. i know that you can't always depend on other people to make you feel happy and you need to be able to learn how to make yourself happy first. i guess maybe i am dependent on him to some extent. maybe even a lot. that sounds kind of horrible. it's just when he's present i feel like i am at my best // he brings out my best and i am everything i want to be when he's there.
i feel incredibly stupid feeling this way and writing this out. i feel that lately my foundation for everything i've built is slowly starting to decay. the weight of everything slowly crushing me. i just want to be free again. i want to feel alive. i fear these days would come back, the one's that could swallow you whole because everything is just too much and darkness seems to have won you over.
i'm just overwhelmed. so overwhelmed and unable to conduct my emotions into the right direction.
