i leave in exactly 6 days for India
and i don't think i've ever been so scared.

i'm about to go on the most amazing adventure
of my life.
i'm about to see the contrast of a country
painted with beauty and ugliness.
i'm about to learn lessons, to help others.
i'm about to see the war of holding on and letting go.
i'm about to find myself or even create myself.
i'm about to be me.

you know something's terribly wrong when
you can relate to an extremely
bubblegum pop tune with predictable and cheesy lyrics.


- - - - - - - - - - - - -

i want the ability to NOT be afraid to say something.
my heart is scared but it's telling me to take the risks.
fuck the odds, let's jump this.
take the fall and see where we end up.

ihopemyheartisintherightplace.

just smile and breathe.
the storms have passed.
and you are free.

new beginning.
lets make this worth your while.
because i know every time he's around
your heart smiles.

no more regrets.

so there's that boy again,
who keep occupying my mind.
oh yes, that one. the one from Church.


i honestly cannot fully explain
why i'm so attracted to him.
i feel really stupid, acutally.
well, i guess it's because he
has a really swell personality,
i mean he's really funny and down to earth
and he's just really coo' with an apostrophe.
oh yeah and bonus: he plays guitar and every
other instrument possible AND he listens
to really awesome music.
and he's actually one of those genuine boys
that don't try to fuck you over.
and he has a nice voice when he sings.


what scares me is that all these strange good things
are happening to me and i'm not used to it.
i'm not used to having so much 'happiness' in my life.
i'm used to it being temporary. coming and going.
i'm used to pessimism and pain.
anxiety and depression.
i'm used to feeling alone. hopeless. helpless.


but i think this time around, i'm going to savor it.
i'm going to appreciate it.
because for once, i'm beginning to smile.
and finally, someone has managed to light up the darkness.


oh yeah, and he's the first boy i've ever felt really
comfortable around, no awkwardness, just being myself.
and that's pretty freaking rare.
so i'm going to keep him around.


p.s there's pictures of possibility.
there's maybe even chemistry.

he reminds me of the voices i fall asleep to at night.


i'm starting to believe the Ocean is much like you 'cause it gives and takes away.

i have no reason to live anymore,
my iPod just fucking broke.

this is getting serious.
my depression is high and
my anxiety is over the top.
i'm trying to control the demons.
but i can't.

they broke loose monday night.
and my arms are screaming.

i'm pretending again.


everyday is the fucking same.
everything is so routine...

you walk through the hallways,
quiet, hiding in headphones.
pass the blurred faces.
familiar voices.
you hurry off to get to your
destination.
unnoticed. invisible.


i don't know why i feel so overwhelmed.
i don't really have any tests or exams
to worry about except maybe the socials
provincial which is in 2 weeks.
and school ends in less than a week.
i'm not even menstruating.
i'm eating alright.
so why do i feel such pain?


oh, questions.
unanswered.
so very distant from truth.



























i am so empty.

mind cluttered.
failing to breathe.
both mind and body exhausted.
cannot function.
losing focus.
feeling numb.

questions.
questions.
questions.

always appearing.
always there.
inevitable.

wondering.
wondering.
wondering.

will i ever break free of my vices?
can we cure this "disease"?

hoping.
hoping.
hoping.

always.
for a better ending.
for a more content moment.

detached...
from reality.
hallucinations.
ideas.
dangerous thoughts.
dangerous mind.
dangerous acts.

i've lost control.