losing my mind, heart's all tied up, i'm out of control.

i really want to start using this blog again, even if no one reads it, i miss a place where i can be almost-faceless and spill my thoughts onto blank pages.

often, i forget how young we really are and what we're doing is crazy. i know a lot of people are in relationships, i know a lot of people that want to be in a relationship, i know that relationships are difficult, i know that they are also amazing. i feel like the last 7 months of my life have been something out of a movie. but i'll save that explanation for another day.

i feel overwhelmed at the thought of us sometimes, not that i'm complaining because we are great. okay. absolutely fucking fantastic. but there are these moments, alone in my own solitude and i can feel the fear breathing on my neck, asking me to take me away and somehow everything gets a little bit darker. it terrifies me that this one, particular individual now has the power to completely destroy everything in a second and can repair it all in 5. and no matter how many days you are absent even if it's just for 24 hours i'll always miss you. always. it's really silly, i must admit you're only gone for a week yet the solitude feels so foreign to me now. i can't remember what it's like to be alone not in the sense of loneliness but just enjoying your own company, a calming sort of isolation.

my mum always tells me to not let people define my own happiness but i can't help but feel in some way that he is the ultimate source of my contentment. i know that you can't always depend on other people to make you feel happy and you need to be able to learn how to make yourself happy first. i guess maybe i am dependent on him to some extent. maybe even a lot. that sounds kind of horrible. it's just when he's present i feel like i am at my best // he brings out my best and i am everything i want to be when he's there.

i feel incredibly stupid feeling this way and writing this out. i feel that lately my foundation for everything i've built is slowly starting to decay. the weight of everything slowly crushing me. i just want to be free again. i want to feel alive. i fear these days would come back, the one's that could swallow you whole because everything is just too much and darkness seems to have won you over.

i'm just overwhelmed. so overwhelmed and unable to conduct my emotions into the right direction.

i can't write a proper post.

but i miss you. dear god i miss you to bits and pieces. 8 weeks. or more. it doesn't seem that long and its not like you're never coming back but this hurts like hell.

i know i am one to miss people and places all the time but i don't think i've ever missed or loved someone so much in my entire life. i sound mental but no one knows me better than you do and we've only known each other for a month. but i know that what we have is rare. how is that two people enter each other's lives and miraculously change one another and fall completely in love in 30 days? how is that this particular individual knows me inside and out, down to the fucking core?

all i know is that this process isn't going to be easy but i know we are going to be just fine. its funny because if you asked me 5 days ago, i'd be terrified as hell. but somehow in the last 24 hours i've lost the fear, of what could happen, the what ifs. this is all for a better purpose. you'll be back soon. but i'm not going to deny the fact that this incredibly hurts.

i just love you to death.

i have 2 weeks left with you until you have to go home and figure everything out. that's fourteen days. 20, 160 minutes. 1, 209, 600 seconds.

and i know we are both scared. the fear that we're going to get bored of each other. that something will happen in the time we're apart and one of us will have to make the call to end everything. i know i'm scared. i know you are too. but i don't know why, you're just perfection in and of itself. you're too good to be true. i always have to pinch myself or something but i know i'm not dreaming. this is reality.

and i believe in this. i do. i am fucking terrified okay. and i'm trying so hard to prepare myself for the worse and i know even if something happens where things just don't work out, i'll be okay. because i always do. i'll be okay and i know that. but the pain, i don't want to deal with that. the hurt. the sadness. sleepless nights. running the details over and over again in my mind. i don't want to feel that.

but i know that this is really fucking scary and i know the fear lingers and i've only ever been sure about 3 things in my life and you are one of them. and this everything, these last 3 weeks have been beyond extraordinary and i couldn't be more grateful. i wish i could just tell you right now that honestly i am fully investing in this, in us. and that everything that's happened is completely surreal and unbelievable and unexplainable. i don't have enough vowels and consonances to express all the feelings residing in my chest and you are the cause of that.

in all this chaos we found safety.

3 am will always haunt me, for god knows why. At this hour its always either epiphanies, nostalgic moments or the 60 minutes of fear and anxiety. pain. I don't know. I'm really hoping right now this isn't my darkness creeping up on me again. I'm hoping so badly this isn't the depression settling in. That it's just my goddamn stupid teenage hormones.

I can't even describe the last 2 and half weeks. I really can't. I've been trying on numerous occasions to just write it all out, express it in any possible way, I simply can't. Draft after draft. My words all get deleted. I'm writing memory after memory, trying to not forget all the intricate details but I always get distracted or I suddenly lose all power to finish what I had started.

All I know is that I've found the one thing that everyone in this goddamn world always longs for. The one thing that engulfs the biggest and countless cliches. The one thing I have convinced myself of never attaining. deserving. I may be only eighteen but I love you to death and this fact scares the living hell out of me.

They say everything is better when you're "in love" how you're on a this permanent natural high that you can't seem to get rid of, how absurdly content you feel all the fucking time, how when in your presence its this automatic shield of safety. I know as someone whose had their battles, who still lives with their demons, I've only ever been sure of 3 things in my life and that's

1) music & art mean everything to me.

2) TWLOHA, despite what people think about them will always have an impact on me.

3) Kenya & India are the souls of the universe and eternally have left a permanent mark on me.

And you. I don't know what the hell it is but you are legitimately the BIGGEST MINDFUCK EVER.

Almost three weeks, if anyone heard the way we talk, the way we are around each other they'd call us mental but for two strangers who got to know each other real quick in the span of less than 72 hours I'd say we're fucking brilliant. And everything is undeniably unexplainable.

Its strange the way we encounter people, how we come upon meeting new individuals almost every day of our lives. One choice and it all can change. Maybe its fate, chance, coincidence, whatever it is at the end of the day I can't help but fall asleep with a smile on my face.

I've always been the best goddamn actress in this town. Fake that smile. Say what they want you to say, pretending to be [happy.] I know the drill. Its funny because once you become so good at something, sometimes you can't stop. And me, I was damn good at keeping my composure, hiding so many things from everyone. Its a skill, really. I'm pretty convinced that all the people who you think are the happiest beings in the world are the most damaged, they carry copious amounts of sadness in their hearts, they know hurt. And all the people I've ever known only a few rare gems really know me inside and out to the fucking core. And you, you know me terribly well. Like I said, I am shocked. Absolutely flabbergasted.

The funny thing is I'm the jedi as well. I can read you like an open book even though you're quite the actor too.

And everything is enticing. The way we can have a lot of fun doing something or nothing at all. How we can just stare at each other's eyes for god knows how long and its as if the entire time you're reading my mind and vice versa. How we sleep in parks and at beaches. You're 6"2 figure. Lanky boy Love = LBL. How you're pretty much a music prodigy. The way we kiss. The way you wake me up in the mornings. For a damaged soul you love me even with my scars. How you're not afraid. The fact that you keep me safe. Your passion for music. This paragraph doesn't even do this. us. you. justice. There are a bajillion other things that make you. and this so goddamn intriguing.

And I am so fucking terrified. You know this. Giving someone their all, letting their guard down, letting someone in...finally. I always tell myself "whatever happens happens" and I try and prepare myself for the worse but to be honest if you left tomorrow I don't know what the fuck I'd do. I'm delusional. We are insane. But I don't care because you bring out my absolute best.

I told you today I love you for you not by all the gifts you buy me. I told you that you didn't always have to get me stuff or do all these things for me, I'm always content just by you just being there, your presence, even if you don't say anything at all. Jubilance.

This is all such a new feeling but everything feels so natural. There is the nervousness, new found fears, insecurities and doubts but when I think about it all I am so freaking grateful. And I tell myself every day that this is possibly the scariest thing I've ever done but...

I am absurdly, ridiculous, undeniably and uncontrollably in love with you.

i owe myself a long fucking post but i'm still high on m and my brain hurts but fuck, i think someone just stole my heart and this feels amazing.

x

FREE BITCH.

Someone like me always changes. I am in a constant state of revolution. I'm not just talking about myself, my perspective, my style, my hair etc. etc. I'm talking about my emotions as well. I'm as bipolar as the sporadic Vancouver weather. I'm an indecisive piece of shit and I can never make up my mind. One day I'll be this and I'll convince everyone that this is what I want or this is what it is and this is how I feel and 24 hours later I will be a complete contradiction and criticize everything I agreed with the day before. My mind is an island of complexity.

I convinced myself for a while that it was okay talking to you again, that despite the fact that you were in a relationship I let myself be "the other girl." If I'm going to be honest with myself, I'll admit I liked the attention you gave me. I enjoyed the compliments, all that flattery, all your words that seemed so believable, so real. I believed in you too much and I cared about you more than I should have. You had my empathy, you had me so easy and of course my intuition had me completely cornered. Even though I enjoyed staying up all night with you, making each other laugh, talking to you on the phone until I fell asleep, I know that I couldn't keep lying to myself about this.

Its not so much that I feel hurt about it, its the fact that you lied, I forgave you, I let you in again but this time around I won't let myself get destroyed twice. I thought about it all, how it all seemed really nice and lovely in my head but the truth always kills the fantasy, what I know, what you know, what's really been displayed here. I no longer have the same feelings as you do, in fact all that was there, butterflies, increased heartbeats, its all dwindled down to nothing. I don't feel a thing, not even a centimeter of attraction. none. zero. zilch. I'm happy though because this way I don't have to deal with your fucking bullshit anymore. Honestly, don't tell me you "love me" and will "do anything" for me and apologize over and over again because I could care less. YOU HAVE A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. DO YOU NOT GET THAT IN YOUR HEAD? I live 438290482390482390482309482394 miles away from you. WE LIVE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. I'M JUST A GIRL FROM THE FUCKING INTERNET. THAT'S ALL I'LL EVER BE. So save me the petty apologies, you on your knees begging for forgiveness, the "i love yous", the "we'll take things slow." Fuck it.

I'm done, over it, moving on. Sorry, I'm not going to waste my fucking time on some guy who lives in California who's okay with lying to himself, not to mention is IN a relationship and can't seem to be honest with anyone. No thanks. So you can take all your sorrys and shove it. Because honestly, I'm sick of this shit. I refuse to get my heart absolutely trashed all over again and you know what? I couldn't be happier. Moving forward. I can feel myself healing again and glow optimism. I definitely not one to let someone walk all over me and repeatedly go through the same cycle over and over again. So I hope you realize what YOU NEED to be focusing on is your REAL LIFE RELATIONSHIP and figure your shit out because I'm a FREE BITCHY, BABY.

p.s I realize I need to stop making drafts and leaving them for days and then continuing to finishing them because I always feel like the beginning of my posts never make sense by the end of it.

unreachable.

this is from my private tumblr & i felt the need to post this even though i wrote this a week ago and feelings have changed, i guess.

i wish you could just let me be. i know this was just the internet but its a shame how much i fell for you. and vice versa. i can't seem to process those three words that expelled from your mouth, that seem to float atop my head every night and every day. how they seem to stab this organ beating in my chest every time they are repeated in my fucking mind. "i'm not single." i don't understand how someone could fancy you, let alone say "i love you" and the entire time saying such lovely things to you have a fucking girlfriend. everything is so incomprehensible. your hypocrisy is even more of an addition to your dishonesty. when i think about all this all i feel is numb. and slowly the immobilization becomes frustration, then sadness, and ending with pain. i know you're sorry, i know you care, i know you never meant to hurt me but its so hard to believe all these apologies, all these pleads for forgiveness when it was YOU who created the disaster in the first place. i read the conversations i saved and they make my heart heavy.

if you were honest with me in the first place i wouldn't have mind. i wouldn't have let myself get this attached. we could've at least been friends. you didn't have to be cruel and lead me on with this. you not only lied to me but to her and to yourself. you let me down. and i don't know why its become increasingly difficult to eliminate you from my memory. i hate that i miss you, that i still care, how in some extremely absurd way i still fancy you. but everything hurts too much. i can't talk to you right now, i need you to leave me alone. i need to isolate myself from you because having any form of contact with you is a bullet to the chest.

the night you told me was terrible. i remember it all. it was all such bad timing. i had relapsed from my one year free of self-injury, i was already in a depressive state and then there you went blurting out the brutal truth. i didn't handle it well. all my insides felt like collapsing. loss of all sense of hope. i freaked out. ripped off a razorblade from one of my paintings and proceeded in the act i tried so hard to escape from. my right arm is now completely slashed but slowly healing. i regret impulsively making those lacerations but in that moment i needed a distraction from what i was feeling or maybe i just needed to feel, to ease the pain swelling up in my heart. it didn't help. like it always does. temporary relief but even so i can't even feel a fucking thing after 365 days. nothing. just red colors bulging and running down my arm. disbelief.

i hate that i miss you. i miss your smile, your laugh, all the cute things you said to me, your lovely hair, how you'd play certain songs because they reminded you of me, how you made me laugh, how you made me feel pretty, how you strangely understood me. when you told me you [loved] me i refused to believe you because no one had ever said that to me before. my belief that this was all just an infatuation. i kept asking you, how do you know this is real? you told me you couldn't explain it but you just knew. you know if it was actually the truth, those three small words, perhaps i actually believe(d) you. and maybe, just maybe i may have "loved you." parts of you at least. but it wasn't your appearance, your good looks, the cute messages that bought me in, it was the fact that you [loved] me even with my dangerous past, my scars, with everything that was broken within me. flawed and damaged but you didn't mind.

i know you're not a terrible person, that you didn't mean to hurt me but you did. you're a damaged soul. i know that. i know there are things inside you that ache and make your heart heavy. i know that you have heart and that you care, you're a gentle soul just a bit bruised, a bit broken.

a week later as much as i've forgiven you in a way, i still think about all this. i should hate you for this, i should never talk to you again, erase your existence in my mind, ignore you completely but still i hold on. its this constant battle in my head, push and pull, this fucking tug-of-war of what to do, what to do, what to do. i continue to talk to you as if it everything is okay, i hate how you always redeem yourself because you say all the right things and maybe i'm being foolish because i believe all your words but i know you're not lying. at least i hope you're not. this is just so complicated. the fact that you [love me] more yet you're still with her but the only reason why you choose to hold onto her is because you know if you break up with her she'll become an emotional wreck and do something stupid and attempt suicide and end up in the hospital and being a student with a 4.3 GPA she'll give up on it. and as much as i hate being the other girl, everything is kind of inevitable 'cause my feelings are in the way of everything and maybe i can't think rationally but i don't think i ever could in the first place. i convince myself that i'm okay with this somehow, how you always talk to me, how you're always wondering how am, how my day went. its completely different when i see your face on the screen and everything changes. and i feel so mindless because this sounds so absurd but somehow this speaks normalcy. i've never done anything cliche, by the book, the way society fits things together to make things seem proper or this-is-the-way-it-should-be. i just don't think its fair to her that you keep leading her on like this when you obviously don't have the same feelings you initially had. poor girl. but at the same time as much as i feel slightly terrible, this is his shit he has to deal with and i don't have control over his choices. i just don't know sometimes. i want to be able to feel safe within his words. but sometimes i only believe it for a while and then i think about everything and wonder if everything is just fiction. i know i'm getting partially mindfucked here and i'm risking my heart and emotional well being but i know i told myself at the beginning, i don't care what this does to me. i chose to do this. and perhaps this is some reckless mess but as much as i look at the negativity of it all, there is so much happiness at the same time. such contrast. we make each other happy as hell, its ridiculous. how we just get each other. and i know i keep reiterating on how absolutely ludicrous this may sound but i don't care, this is what it is and this is what i'm dealing with. its just terrifyingly amazing how well he can read me, how he knows when i'm upset or when something is wrong even if i try so hard to keep perfectly composed on camera, somehow he knows within the words i choose to say. or how he always fucking knows just how to make a smile miraculously appear across my face. how we stay up until the sun comes up talking to each other. or how the other day i went online really late but he had to go but he really wanted to talk to me so he asked me to call him and like several times before we fell asleep on the phone together. i just don't know because i feel like i'm doing something wrong, or maybe i'm lying to myself but i can't help but think that even though this is absolutely confusing and complex as hell, somehow in the disorder of it all he makes me so utterly content beyond disbelief and that's what really gets me every time. this is 100 % incomprehensible to me as it is to anyone i've told this to but i can't deny the way i feel about him and maybe i'm fucking mental but this, this is it.

i've been running this entire situation, every detail, every word, every memory over and over again, dissecting everything to the core and as much as i analyze it all, it has nothing to do with security, or wanting attention, or feeling needed or loved. its none of those things, it basically all comes down to the fact that in all of this chaos he makes my heart smile and that for one is the most genuine thing of all.

i know i'm stronger than i used to be but i can't help but feel like the self-injury is never going to stop. even if i don't do it excessively like before, how i used to do it every day and sometimes as much as possible because i couldn't deal with the emotional pain. maybe i'm just really fucked in the head because i love and hate my scars. its always this bloody tug-of-war in my head. i know i have control, i know i have a choice but sometimes i choose to slip. to feel. some scarred skin tissue, a reminder that i'm alive. i do it for so many fucking reasons it's absurd; control, to feel, numb the emotional pain, distraction, punishment, impulsion ---> frustration, depression, anger, relief etc. etc.

i was extremely impulsive yesterday and i did something that i regret and i'm not even going to lie was fucking stupid. i'm not going to blame the alcohol because i know i did this for a reason, i had a choice and i decided to try and fix something within me but obviously that didn't work out. so me being the drunken idiot i am, i have a tendency to get quite affectionate and horny. i can't help it if i'm sexually frustrated and its been 7 fucking months. okay fine, 2 months if you count everything but intercourse. so i went to some masquerade party with frankie, meesa and julian and we all got pretty smashed. all jules wanted was to make out with someone and i kept telling them how i wanted to get laid. (i know, i'm a dunce.) so i found out jules was still a virgin, go figure i knew it from the beginning. and he was all like i'm 18 and i just want to let loose. so frankie and i were drunk as fuck and being like okay fine this is a one time thing, it doesn't count, it doesn't mean anything, we're just gonna do it. basically i stole julian's virginity and it was THE WORSE FUCK i've ever had. mainly because 1) he was a virgin = inexperienced & 2) he's quite small in the department down below. it actually lasted less than 5 mins before i was like (in my head) yeah this is shit, this isn't satisfying and i'm done. then frankie had sex with him and cheers for her i guess because she wanted to lose it for so long but i don't think she enjoyed it that much. i don't feel awkward about it just the fact that wow, that was just super SHIT. mainly i'm just pissed because i'm still sexually frustrated and the fact that i kinda feel bad that i stole julian's virginity because it probably wasn't that great, and i refused to give him a bj or anything of that sort. but if i think about it its kind of a huge WTF, 'cause its julian and i hate him like 70 % of the time and i still think he's gay. i hope he is. he should be. like for fuck sake, come out of the closet already.

this post was kind of pointless but i needed to get that out and the fact that i'm bipolar as hell today.

all i feel is numb. completely numb. i wish i could be on mdma forever. eurphoria for eternity. 

its so hard to smile. heart is heavy. head hurts too much. i can't process anything. FUCK.

and to think things would get better. everything just got x 489032849203842390 more out of control in the last hour. my right arm is completely slashed. i don't give a fuck. my heart hurts more than anything. i would rather die than choose to live. this is fucking ridiculous. i hate how one second i really think i can make it, i really believe in myself that everything is going to be fucking okay and the next second everything is completely obliterated. i'm glad people enjoy fucking me over. i hope you fancied watching my heart break. lying not only to me but yourself. to your fucking girlfriend. i feel sorry for her. now i know, you can't trust fucking anyone. i've been really thinking lately, i don't think i'd ever want to have children because when they grow up they'll know how goddamn cruel and terrible this world really is. i can't even fully express the amount of sadness and anger and frustration that is boiling in my veins and engulfing me whole. i hate how people expect forgiveness or an explanation right after the truth is laid out. but i'm glad i asked for the truth 'cause i'd rather hear brutal honesty over any plate of bullshit any day. for all you fuckers that would rather hear lies, GOOD FOR YOU. because i'm glad you're buying into all the deception, so continue pretending, acting like everything is fucking fine because the truth fucking hurts. even though it hurts like hell i'd have it any day. at least you know. at least you're no longer listening to all the bloody prevarications that pretty boy's been telling you for the last month or so. all the compliments mean nothing. all the sweet little lies veiled by your choice of icing and sprinkles have been unveiled.

the things that infuriates me the most is all the "i love yous" FUCK YOU. that's the number one thing you should NEVER DO to me. EVER. don't say those three words when you don't even fucking mean it. it just proves my point even more just how every guy i end up fancying somehow always fucks me over in the end. how i just get walked all over, used and abused. that's what they do. destroy this pretty girl. i confide in you, i learn to trust you, i care for you and maybe i just lack the intelligence to see all these fabrications. entice me with compliments and cute sayings because now i know they were all fiction. its even harder because i feel that now, i can never allow myself to [love] anyone in that way. ever. my heart will remain bruised and closed for a long period of time now. i'd just love to decay. break all my bones. laceration upon laceration. make myself uglier. i don't even care. everything to me is fathomless. well at least i lost my phone so i don't have to see all those fucking messages i saved from you. my insides are already deteriorating. i hope you're fucking happy. never trust anyone but yourself.

everyone just wants to annihilate you eventually. they'll kill to watch you fall. and i did. so i hope you're fucking smiling. this is all just too much for me right now. one terrible thing after another. THIS COULDN'T GET ANY FUCKING WORSE. and by the way for all those times you acted protective and jealous as if i were yours FUCK YOU.

because watching my heart get eradicated and damaged to the extreme is such a beautiful scenery.

to myself.

Dear me,

you are going to be okay. you will pick yourself up off the ground. you will live again. this is not the end of the world. i know right now you feel stuck. like this vicious cycle will constantly return in the most ugliest of ways but you have to fight it. you can't just expect it to go away. you have to make the effort. you need to want to get rid of it. to fix this. fix your mind. your heart. heal the scars. i know this depression is a constant battle. that sometimes you can't help but feel sad for no reason. but you can overcome this. and you are bigger and better than this. you are strong. you are beautiful. you are not defeated. you have not failed yourself. you are amazing and you have the ability to change the world. to do whatever you want. to inspire. to love. to live. to smile. perhaps right now everything feels like it got out of control again. how possessions were lost. how your number one cure for everything seemed to fucked up. but these materials things you have to remember, they can be replaced. they can be fixed. they do not define you. do not let them define you. remember india and kenya. remember all those children who made your heart smile, how anyone questions their beautiful faces, the ridiculous amounts of laughter that echo from them, how can they possibly be happy when they have next to nothing? you know the answer. because they've learned to genuinely love. they know a life of community. they've never had these opportunities. these chances. all these things you own they will never know. so think about it this time. as much as this is frustrating you have to look at the bigger picture. it isn't the end of the world. and i know that boy in california how he loves you and you don't understand it. how can you possibly miss someone you've never even met? how all of this is incomprehensible. but maybe that's it. maybe this isn't cliche. what everyone else has. this is yours and you need to recognize that. you were never meant for mediocrity or whatever [normalcy] is. you were never meant to conform or indulge in what everyone thinks is "cool." you have always been reckless. dangerously rebellious. but most of all, fearless. i know he's a huge mindfuck and you don't understand how someone can possibly [love] you when all you [think] you do is hurt them, with this scar-stained body, with a mind as complicated as yours but maybe that's it. [loving] someone with all their imperfections. all that's broken. and i know its just the internet but you know yourself too well that you have this huge fucking heart to not care. perhaps the rest of the world may think you're insane, that's you're stupid or that this is just a little bit ridiculous but who cares? and besides, being irrational has always been a part of you. but hold onto this. and hold onto the people that matter. talk about what's hurting. don't keep it in a bottle. you know how detrimental that is. people love you. you are not alone. even though people may seem distant you know they are always there for you. if anything, these people you call your friends you mean everything to them and they would never ever want to see you hurting like this. they want to help you, you just have to trust them. believe in them. and you have choices. always remember that. you don't have to pick up the blade. you have control over that. you can choose not to. and i know sometimes its difficult because you want to feel and you don't know what to do with all these emotions. they can be overwhelming its understandable. but you cannot succumb to your demons. you have all the equipment, all the right tools and power to fight this. them. love yourself. believe in yourself. in the things you call important. you can do this. it's not the end.

Love,

Kendahl.

x

i don't care if i'm being a materialistic bitch. but honestly WHAT THE FUCK. first i lost my fucking cell phone and now my iPod erased all my fucking songs // won't connect to iTunes.

its one thing that i lost my phone but my iPod. no one understands how fucking much music means to me. and all the fucking playlists that are lost now.

i hate everything. and i don't fucking care that i've relapsed. i'm out of control. and i don't know how to fucking get out of this.

there is so much to say but i can't find the right words but what are the right words anyway? i can't write. i can't paint. i don't know how to express this immense feeling. its not a dangerous feeling. this is amazing. so so amazing. i am grateful. but i can't put you into words. you've got me tongue tied. i don't know what's going on. but when i figure my head out i will write this out. this is ludicrous but i don't care. i believe in this so much.

fuck. someone invent teleportation.

p.s thank you new followers i really don't expect people to read my stuff, i suppose its a little bit discomforting in a way how people find my blog but all in all thanks for taking interests in the words that expel from my mouth and onto this page. hearts.

x

why do i expect everyone to break my heart? this is absurd. i know. i don't know how to rid this feeling out of my body.

timelapse.

i saw you today. it's been 2 months since i last saw your face. its funny how you forget people and randomly they make a small reappearance in your life, unknowingly and all the feelings you thought you had buried and destroyed long ago resurface with such force.

i miss you, okay. i miss you a lot. and there's nothing i can do. i can't go back to the way things were before. i can't talk to you because you don't want anything to do with me. even though what we had was short it still meant something to me. it still affects me. i think its that part of me that gets drawn to tragedy. infectious. inevitable. i know everyone is broken but there are just some characters that have known hell like the back of their hand. i know you hurt in places, i know your heart's heavy. maybe i just believe in you too much. in everybody. the ludicrous amount of love and belief i have in everyone and everything is so incredibly overwhelming sometimes i just collapse. i have accepted that i have no control over your actions or feelings but in ways i can't help but feel like i could've helped. but maybe fear got in the way. uncertainty is the line drawn between us. so i guess i'll never know. all i have are maybes and broken memories of what's left of this scenery.

you didn't see me and i wonder what could've changed if you did. would you smile? would you say hello? would you look away? would you ignore me? you know i don't believe in hate and i can't hate you but what i'll never know is the sudden distance. declination of communication. i'll never know why or how. but even though i miss you, i'm okay. because everything happens for a reason. and sometimes things change, and you'll never know and it hurts and you'll cry but i've learn to pick myself up again.

and this is strange moment, right now. a beautifully, painful happiness. perhaps you don't always have to be completely stitched together to feel absolutely centered and even with the few bruises and scrapes, its okay. today. today is okay.

some people.

There's maybe less than 5 people I can tolerate at the moment. A lot of my friends have been pissing me off. Either they're being stupidly insecure or they're being really judgmental and condescending. Saturday night for the most part was fun but I got to see sides of people that really make me not want to associate myself with them that much anymore. A bunch of us went to see my friend Meesa's band play. I went with my friend Julian and we were all sitting together. I invited my friend MJ to sit with us 'cause he was having drama with the people he was sitting with. MJ left for a bit to talk to some friends and Meesa's like is that MJ? He's cute why don't you go out with him? Personally, I don't think he's attractive at all. So I said, well he's 24 and he's not my type at all. And Julian's like why would you go for him? he's so plain looking. And I was like, I never said I was. And then he responds by saying I don't think you should be in a relationship right now, we're too young to be in a relationship. And I'm just thinking to myself WHAT THE FUCK. So I just reply by saying I don't want to be in one and besides, I'm just having fun and doing whatever. And he's like well you were really hung up on that one guy aka Adam and I was like yeah well you don't know what happened and me and him we're really good friends.

One of the things that absolutely piss me off more than anything is when people try and tell me how to feel // live my life. STFU. FUCK OFF PLEASE. If you don't like the way I live my life well then shut up and move on, I'm not here to impress or meet anyone's standards. I do things for myself. I don't try and be anything and I certainly won't fake my emotions or any part of me just to feel accepted or appear "cool." Pretense and I have never mixed and never will. Yes, there are things we all hide from people but that's a different matter. I won't change the way I feel just because someone says I should. If I feel sad, I feel sad I can't help it. We can't help what we feel sometimes. And as much as I know I can't control anyone, no one can control me. The only person we have control over is ourselves. I'm not telling anyone to live their life, or listen to this music, or dress this way or talk like that. No. And I know Julian just said that because he's jealous and he fancies me, which I think is a bit annoying and stupid. This may seem offensive but as much as he says he's straight he gives off and uber gay vibe and even my gay best friend Hamish thinks he's gay and he has the biggest gaydar out of everyone I know. He may be really metrosexual and I do feel bad for him but sorry buddy, with your judgmental attitude and condescending ways there is no way in hell I'd ever take the chance to go out with you. And plus, our personalities aren't compatible. He's not exactly someone I'd really want to get to know, he's one of those people that you're friends with and they're fun and all but you can only handle them in small amounts.

On another part, MJ may be 24 but he's sure as insecure as hell. He's nice but he's not someone I'd hang out with all the time. I know everyone has confidence issues, even I do. But there are just some people who lack a severe amount of backbone. Pretty much everyone I hang out with know themselves really well, I like surrounding myself with positive people. Individuals who are constantly enveloping themselves in incertitude I can only deal with to a certain extent, eventually I can't handle it because their negativity and fears take a toll on me. They eventually become dependent on you, at least that's what's happened to me in the past.

Basically, I really can't stand a lot of people right now // the majority of the general human race. I really miss my Kenya // India kids // people with amazing smiles and shit ton of confidence. People who are accepting and understanding. I'm just lacking a lot of that right now. Comprehension.

i constantly feel bipolar. like after fun nights i feel so alone and empty. even sometimes in the company of friends, i still don't feel whole. i'm still here. i'm still carrying on. but i still feel like a corpse. dead just walking amongst the living. but somehow my insides just don't seem to match up. i don't know how to fix this head of mine. this heart of mine. i don't know if its just fear or if its just the rain. i can't tell the difference. nothing makes sense anymore. it'd just be nice sometimes to have someone to understand all the morbid, dark shit that goes on in my head. or the fact that i love my scars and i don't really want them to go away, or how i am always interested by really unnatural and twisted things. i'm already convinced i will be alone until i die at 95. and to be honest, i've pretty much accepted that. i just don't believe there's anyone that could possibly handle me or comprehend these thoughts of mind, this stupid, bloody organ beating in my chest. i am a mess. day and night. i can compose myself but i'm just cleverly stitched together by pieces of random confidence and mismatched fabrics of the past. i don't know. i don't know what i want. just floating between the thin lines of minutes and breaths. nothing more.

i swear i just fully got into that 17.874 % lesbian inside of me. its strange, i have no problem embracing my nudity in front of girls and my gay guy friends but with actual males its different. and i totes just stripped for this really pretty scene girl on tinychat. i am laughing so hard at myself just because it was so random and impulsive. i'm not surprised if my curiosity ends up finding its way to the other side. i could date a girl if i wanted to but sex wise as blunt as it is i like my dicks, thanks. yeah, scandalous but that's not a word i haven't heard before in my vocabulary.

have a little faith in me; growing pains.

the last couple of days have been hard. a lot of thinking. a lot of being alone with my thoughts. and on most days that scares me. i've learned that having clinical depression is going to always be a part of me. there was a long period of time where i was consistently happy, even though there were hard times in between i still smiled. i guess i thought i was strong enough to make this go away, to fight off my demons. the last month or so has been super difficult. it's been a long time feeling these pains again. its terrifying because you think you've defeated it and out of nowhere it just comes back full circle. i know what i'm doing in secrecy is not healthy, i know i am extremely self-destructive and i think i need to start telling people things. even if its scary because i think its important to get some of these things out. no one knows about my borderline eating disorder. this is something i have kept from everyone for a couple years now. the thing about me is i am really good at hiding things. i'm a terrific liar, not that i'm proud of it but it comes in handy in certain situations. i can be so well composed and no one would ever know that behind that mask, underneath that disguise my entire structure is disintegrating. i hide a lot of my best kept secrets well hidden. more like, dangerous secrets.

the thing about me is i don't like talking about, i don't like asking for help and as much as its damaging i do it also so people don't have to worry about me. they don't need the extra baggage. in a way i like to think i'm doing everyone a favour because my problems aren't the easiest to handle and i can be a burden sometimes and i know it as much as everyone knows it. after a while, helping people gets tiring especially when its the same issues recycling over and over again. and i know for the people around me they get tired of it, i am exhausting. i admit that. also, being a stubborn person i like to believe i can handle the chaos on my own. i've always been quite independent and its always a confusing, frustrating battle with myself. on the other hand, there's that tiny part of me that wants people to help me, to save me. to notice. but i can never allow myself to do that because i like to maintain my concealment.

as much as indulging in the depression, letting my own demons take hold of me i'm going to fight this. there are little bits of hope in every day. i know that. i see it. i just need to believe it. and fight for it. there are parts of me that's already regretting my decision but i know myself best that this is what i wanted and that i need to look out for #1 right now. my health is the most important thing to me in this point in my life because my lack in concentration, my severe decrease in serotonin aka happiness is affecting every aspect of my life and i'm letting it control me. i've been listening to the cab a lot, and oddly enough alex deleon's voice and lyrics are kind of saving me. i stayed up late, reading his blog for 3 hours last night and he is truly inspiring. at first i didn't really like his band or him but i decided to give them a second chance. he seems like a real, genuinely nice person. i like how his blogs had explanations // the stories behind all the songs on their record. "I'll Run" and "Take My Hand" are probably my favourites, especially "I'll Run." i have this strange attraction to hopeful songs or sad songs. but there is something particular about the tunes that sing about hope. it pulls at that organ beating in my chest. a reminder to keep fighting.

i know that right now there's a bit of tension in the house. my mum and i haven't exchanged much dialogue since my decision. its as much as a transition for me as it is for her. i know every parent just wants their kid(s) to succeed in life and its difficult watching them make some hard decisions. i just need her to have my support in this. she can't control my life. she can't make these decisions for me. i am terrified okay. i am fucking scared to the bone. i don't know what i'm doing with my life but i'm learning to accept fear because it will always be a part of life and being human. i am learning every day to fight for this. that this is a process that i have to work through. but it'll take effort and patience. i don't have everything figured out and that's okay. nothing is definite. no one knows what the future holds. and i am constantly reiterating this but i believe it so much even though right now there are these aches and pains, i am meant for bigger things. so this is it The Great Perhaps.

have a little faith in me.

if i'm not cutting, i'm drinking, if i'm not drinking, i'm smoking weed, if i'm not smoking weed, i'm popping pills, if i'm not popping pills, i'm having sex, if i'm not having sex, i'm starving myself, if i'm not starving myself, i'm just getting down on myself and really, i don't think i can survive without a vice. i'm self-destructive in and of itself.

free.

yesterday was a big deal. i made a huge decision of taking a leave of absence from school for maximum a year. i'm not dropping out but i think just right now with all my health issues - mental, emotional and physical and the fact that i let myself get behind in school, my education is on standby. its not like i never want to go back to school because i do, i eventually want to get my degree but right now i think its best to concentrate on my health and clear out my system and fix myself. i know i'm going to have a lot of free time on my hands but i intend on being productive but living free. i can't wait to get a job, get my license, work on my art more, read more, write more, take up guitar // piano again, learn to skateboard, take up yoga // meditation and maybe even take some drop in drawing classes. i'm not going to just sit around and do shit all. at the same time, i'm scared. there's this strange fear of just the people i've come to know at school and what they might think. its weird. i don't understand why i'm allowing myself to care what they think because i shouldn't. but i know the truth. its because in a way it feels like i failed myself and they'll see me as indolent and a failure, or they'll judge me for something that isn't true. i don't know. they just seem so sure of themselves like they're grounded and know how to discipline themselves and produce fabulous, amazing works of art, which i don't believe i am capable of. this is a strange transition for me and as much as i have my worries at the same time i feel free. i feel like this weigh has lifted. like i can breathe again. but every day is a battle. as much as i still smile, there's something in me that doesn't fit right or something that's missing. i'm whole but i'm not. i'm confident but i'm not. i'm pretty but i'm not. opposite sides of my brain constantly at war with each other and i don't know what to believe. music is the only safe place. where i feel most sane. even if its just listening to it, in my mind i feel safe with it. and the only place i feel really myself is when i'm alone and writing my heart out on this blog. i am completely on display with my thoughts with every vowel and consonant typed out.

i got really down on myself a couple days ago. and here is the only safe place to say this. i slipped. three lacerations. two one above the other, a good 3 inches above the knee and one on my right ankle. the strange thing is i don't feel guilty at all. and even after 365 days i can't feel a damn thing. nothing. even if it bleeds. fucking nothing. i don't know why but i wanted to see how it felt again. to test myself. and i'm not going to count these. i don't care. i'm still saying i haven't SI-ed in a year. even if it means lying to myself because i know i did this but these don't count. they weren't out of anger or frustration or depression or for control. it was just to see if i could feel it again. but even in the process of doing it it's as if the scissors never graced my skin at all. the sick, twisted thing about this is i kind of like them. i don't know why. scars are intriguing. interesting. and i actually like mine. sometimes i get scared though of people seeing them. i never ever wear shorts. but the majority of my scars on my legs have healed but i don't think i could walk around this city in them. i could do it in a foreign place but not here. because here people know me.

i've been thinking about this lately. about facebook profiles and how they give off this impression of who you are. and maybe its accurate or maybe its not. but for the most part i don't think its fairly definite. i'm a lot more fucked up than people think. people don't know what happens in this house, behind closed doors. the angry, depressing thoughts that race through my mind. how fucking terrible it is when i feel the depression and anxiety in their entirety. they don't know what its like to feel like you're dying. to be close to death. to want to die. to feel like you're being controlled by something that's not you. to have all the happiness sucked out of you, leaving you feeling numb. no one knows how fucked up anyone is except for yourself. i mean how fucked up is that that i actually like my lacerations, my scars? the fact that being mentally sick affected my physical health. to be caged within your own mind? i am a prisoner in my own body.

as much as this hurts, i will get better. i will fight this. because i'm a fighter. even if it takes me 48503852490 times to pick myself up off of the ground. i know in my heart i am meant for bigger things, i am meant to inspire this world and fill it up with hope and love. i am learning to accept failure, take responsibility for my actions, know that its okay to fall sometimes and to love myself. this is a process. it isn't easy but i'm willing to try. and i'm going to be free. free as a bird.

finally.

i don't know what it is but somehow today just feels different. a good different. i've been sick for so long its pretty much been a month. mentally. emotionally. physically. but somehow there is a change in the air. i think at the beginning of february i just got really down on myself, let insecurities and old demons that i thought i had destroyed long ago had resurfaced. i let them encompass me. i let it all get to me. and i believe that when your mental health is deteriorating it affects your physical health. i unknowingly let myself get sick. the mind is powerful that way.

i woke up early, which NEVER happens for me because i like to sleep in. i woke at freaking 8:30 am with The Cab singing in my ears. i woke up with a smile on my face. and somehow this feeling inside telling me that everything is going to be okay and amazing things are coming in the near future. i don't know. this doesn't happen often but when it does i embrace it in its entirety. i don't believe people can be trapped forever. there is always a light. you just have to believe it. depression, anger, frustration, stress are funny things. pain is like a straight jacket sometimes. you're stuck. you can't get out. and you don't know how to feel. and all you can do is just lie there and let it engulf you. but i believe in fighters and dreamers. that everyone is meant for something bigger than themselves.

the only thing that's ever made sense to me is music. i can't even fully express how much it means to me // i can't even reiterate enough how powerful and inspiring it is. i listen to all types of music but i think pop punk really does it for me. i don't know, i've just grown up with it for so long i don't think i could ever stop loving it. there's just something different about it. i mean i know generally most pop punk sing anthems for teenagers and all that teen angst but there's just something so goddamn hopeful about it that i love. the energy. the catchiness. but i love it to death. i know "indie" music is really in these days but i'm so sick and tired of it. i'm having severe pop punk concert withdrawal. there hasn't been one here in van in almost a year, minus warped tour. THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG WITH THAT. i remember pop punk bands used to come every month or two but now its all about these "indie" bands, i don't mind but i'm just really missing an energetic crowd and a decent moshpit. i don't think people understand what's it like to love music this much. i treat it too much like a friend. these songs. its as if someone has been gone for too long and i'm missing them terribly.

on the bright side, i'm going to L.A with my sister in may to visit my cousins and to go see Glee in concert, well mainly my sister wants to go. and apparently Cobra Starship & 3OH!3 are playing while we're there so i'm trying v hard to convince my parents to let me go and let me get my fix. haha. and there is a slight possibility of going to Toronto for Warped Tour and the best thing about that is that i'd be going with my friends from Kenya, my cousin and one of my best friends, Jenny! there are just way too many amazing possibilities happening and i plan to make them happen.

even if you've failed yourself, you can always pick yourself up again. i'm finally feeling real again. and its a damn good feeling.

music snobs - rant.

"you know, music snobs can bag out my music all they like, but at least i know that i’m not going to miss out on some amazingly fun and catchy tunes, simply because it doesn’t meet some sort of petty standard or requirement i’ve created for myself.

whenever i dance around to the shit others refuse to classify as actual music, i feel proud of myself for not buying into the pretentious horseshit that they spill out of their arrogant, egotistical mouths."

a friend of mine said that and i truly believe that. i'm so sick of people criticizing my taste in music. personally, i don't hate one anyone's music. there is not such thing as "good music" because it all differs with people's taste. maybe you like the pussycat dolls so be it, maybe i don't particularly fancy them but hey whatever floats your boat. and i think its completely acceptable and possible that people can like every kind of fucking music. i love the fucking jonas brothers. people may think its shit but i love them. they're fucking catchy. i'm not afraid to tell the entire bloody world that i like them. and i love pop punk to death. and i love everything from the jonai to screamo. and everything in between. i'm so exhausted of music snobs pointing out what's "cool" to listen to and that the more underground you are the more hip it is. give me a break. honestly. maybe you know 8402938409238492 bands i haven't heard of, that doesn't change anything. maybe you have more music knowledge than me but at least i accept all kinds of music and i'm not a fucking prick about it and act like a condescending bitch. i just wish people would stop being so goddamn judgmental. i mean for the love of music. its music. if its makes you feel and dance. it matters. "good music" can't even be defined because everyone has their own fancy and well if you like this band or this artist then that's all that matters right? that piece of music means something to you or its just dwindles down to the simple fact that its catchy. whatever reason, music is music and if anything i know its the one thing that connects every single individual on this planet together. so i'm just asking that next time people act like a music snob, learn to STFU because i never said anything about your favourite band so don't give me shit on the music i like.

// rant over.

i don't understand why people are always so shocked // overreact when they hear i've never had a boyfriend. it's true. I'VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND. deal with it. i never dated in high school because all the guys i knew // at my school were tits and immature and just so ignorant. a huge factor is i got my heart broken for the first time in 9th grade and i closed my heart for a good 4 years. i took rejection severely and on top of that i had a lot of self-esteem issues. they weren't apparent because i never talked about it but its true. i didn't love myself and that is still something i struggle with today. for the most part i love myself a good 98 %. that's pretty fucking good, if i do say so myself. there are some people who are condescending and make me feel as if i should've dated in high school // as if it its mandatory rule. well fuck that. if anything i've seen from high school relationships is they never last. everything is temporary. its fun and exciting but honestly they're so overdramatized and completely absurd. all these pre-teens // teens after just an hour of being asked out completely exposing their new found "relationship" via facebook. i really dislike that about facebook. that whole its not official until its on facebook. STFU. no one cares. it makes sense if you were dating for at least a good 3 months. but c'mon an hour? a day? 2 weeks? don't be ridiculous now. and i'm also aware of the fact that i am a magnet for all guys who are bad news for me. and i've semi-convinced myself i'll be single for the rest of my life.

my head hurts. i can't think clearly.

that guy totes is not in the cab. what a liar. and yeah right, as if you don't go on stickam all the time. YOU ARE ALWAYS ON STICKAM. and by the looks of it you don't have a life and just prey on little girls and ask them to show you their tits on webcam. what a twat.

aches.

there has been this excruciating pain my lower back // stomach area and i haven't been able to eat all day.

it hurts to move and to breathe. not to mention the mental and emotional pain. i am half in a bad place and i just feel so disgusting all over. the thing is, i know its my fault that my health is absolute shit right now. sobriety starts now. no alcohol. no pot. no drugs. at least until i can get my body back in order. i completely fucked up my liver. i just feel so awful right now and i hate how tylenol only works for a couple of hours. i swear to god i'm going to overdose on that shit 'cause i've literally been taking it every 4 hours. bloody hell.

plus, i'm dropping some classes because obviously right now the only thing that matters is my health and i could give a shit less about school right now. i have zero motivation and my concentration has completely dispersed. sleep is a good escape. i've done shit all all day and more than anything i just want this pain to go away because it actually feels like i'm fucking dying. its always in these moments that i miss the hospital the most. i don't know why people are so terrified of them, they kind of speak some sort of comfort and safety for me. maybe i'm just crazy. the problem with school is that i fucked it up completely. i am ridiculously behind and i just keep letting everything slip away. but failure is okay. i've learned to accept it. and that its not the end. everything will work itself out. i just need to focus on my health because my god it's shit. i feel like all my strings in my body broke and it all needs to be tied back together.

skin & bones.

sometimes i lose myself in between the days. the hours. the minutes. as much as procrastination's existence is a prominent figure in my life, i like to think of it as an experiment. everyone has insomnia to some extent but i always challenge myself on just how much sleep i can survive on. almost everything i do in my life is for my mere attraction on experimentation. i like strange challenges. obscurity. bizarre obstacles. danger. the limitations or non-existing boundaries of comfort zones. always wondering at late hours of the night just how to get my inspiration and motivation going. always the how tos. the what to dos. the panic. the hopeful. and everything that settles in between. i know my passions. i semi know my full potential but don't act fully on it. i know i'm meant for bigger things. that place that resides in my chest. that box full of hope and love. it knows things. i am going to do something huge and crazy and amazing. but i don't know how to do it or how to get there.

i know i'm just a hypocrite for this as much as i hate it when people don't recognize their own beauty it seems like at times i can't recognize my own // refuse to acknowledge the "truth." to be honest, i feel really awkward when people compliment me or tell me i'm pretty. i don't know why, it has something to do with being put in the spotlight. i don't like that kind of attention. its never been in me to search for approval from people or to constantly be center of attention. its always been a perplexing understanding to me on how anyone could possibly find me [attractive.] [pretty.] [cute.] [insert complimentary adjectives here.] i am weird within my own beauty. there are days where i'll tell myself i look pretty decent and i've gotten better at growing into these bones of mine but i've noticed i'm not 100 % comfortable being absolutely raw and flawed. i want to be able to look at myself in the mirror without any form of cosmetics painted to my face. i do believe make-up can enhance looks but when its all washed out and gone you're completely naked with apparent flaws. and i think this is the first time i'm going to admit this but i do know // will admit that i may have a borderline eating disorder. i read this article in teen vogue how vegetarianism can be considered a cover up for an eating disorder. personally, i have been one for almost 3 years and it was mainly for my health and for animal rights. the thing is i'm not overly obsessive when it comes to my food. i rarely count calories. i don't pretend to eat and throw it away. for the most part i have a huge appetite but the only thing that i know is a bit concerning is that i feel extremely worried // awkward if i am over 95 pounds. i have never been in my entire life heavier than that, and it seems selfish and absurd that i feel this way but its really uncomfortable when people talk about my weight or how i have such a tiny waist, or how i'm a size 0 or negative whatever. just TO ME i feel [fat] if i go over that 95. plus, i hardly ever weigh myself because scales terrify me.

i know i'm "pretty" but i can't even say that out loud without feeling conceited but sometimes its just so hard to believe things.

p.s to my one follower its funny 'cause you know all my secrets and flaws // a lot of things even my best friends don't even know // are aware of and its kind of comforting at the same time because i feel like you're the only one that understands me. so thanks. :)

where pain and hope collide.

today. every day gets a little bit better and better. this is a tough process. this healing. to mend this [broken heart.] eliminate heartache. all that's broken will eventually alleviate.

even though i'm starting to smile doesn't mean i'm completely whole again. i still think about you sometimes. i always wonder about people. i have this ability to read people, to feel their energy, to get a sense of who they are. i'm not saying its 100 % accurate but for the most part its pretty damn close. i ponder too much on how every individual has a story, how we all have scars - they don't have to be physical, literal. but mental and emotional. we all have something that affects us. we all have emotional baggage. we all have wounds and things inside us that break and hurt. all the unattached strings. i think too much about that. i care too much. i am so intrigued by people's stories. if someone tells you their story, that's a clear invitation of trust right there. at least for me, it is. i know its easy to judge people, its pretty human to do so. but i really wish people could let down their guard of judgement. i really try not to indulge in that because you never know what people are going through and trust me, all those faces you see that smile all the time, always the unexpected ones are the most damaged. you never know how much people are hurting. they are the best actors.

and with this i think we all wear masks too. i find its extremely difficult to be completely ourselves with everyone and people in general. the only time we are infinitely real is in our own solitude or perhaps, in really rare occasions you can trust someone so much you're not afraid to be absolutely vulnerable in front of them. flaws completely on display. raw. we all hide. we all have secrets engraved into our veins.

i think i'm really attracted to tragic characters. damaged people just appear more interesting, i mean i know everyone is detrimental but people who have gone through hell and back. they've been somewhere where most never want to travel to. this whole process of deconstructing my thoughts and allowing time to heal itself has really expanded my understanding of this whole situation. including my heart and mind. and acceptance is everything in terms of letting it be. positive mindset. acceptance. take responsibility. but never give up. never lose sight of hope. even in the most painful, darkest times i still hold onto hope no matter how thin or lose that string may be. its a fight. its not an easy battle. but you have to believe that everything will be okay. that this isn't the end. that there is a light.

"i believe that pain is universal, which is to say that all of us can relate to pain. we break and don't fix easy. we break in different ways, at different times, for different reasons. we lose things. we get stuck in moments. we are slow to forgive, slow to change, slow to ask for help. we are slow to truly love people....pain seems to scream. it asks for all our attention. pain suggests that we are only broken, that we are only all the things in us that ache. certainly, we are responsible for our actions but "forgiveness" is a beautiful word. "change" is a beautiful possibility. "hope" and "rescue" are important words."

- Jamie Tworkowski

if anything. hope is real.

this is the worse my insomnia has ever been. its fucking 6 am. and i've been trying to sleeping for the last 5 hours.

WHAT THE FUCK.

my anxiety and depression are getting out of control.

i don't know.

i've been better. and pieces of my soul are starting to come back to me. but in the quietness of my own solitude. i am completely and so utterly vulnerable. i don't know how to feel. i don't know what to feel. but all i know is that this all fucking hurts way too much. i don't know how to stop the pain. i don't know how to prevent the tears. i feel like i'm just sinking. and every now and again i can reach the surface. but its so hard to maintain safety. happiness. peace.

i'm stuck on you. on this. and i question this every day on why this is affecting me so much. i know i just liked the idea of you. the attention you gave me. how you made me feel [wanted.] [special.] but sweet talk is just another form of deceit. and i always listen to lies. nothing makes sense anymore. but i don't think anything made sense to begin with. everything is suffocating me. paralysis. immobility.

i hung out with adam today. its strange to miss someone even when you're in the same room as them. i guess i just miss what we used to have. that old feeling. and i can't go back to it because it hurts too much and its uncomfortable now. i'm too hung up on someone who just gave up on me and doesn't exactly want anything to do with me. its fucking absurd. i feel so idiotic. but i know at the same time i'm allowed to feel this way but it just seems so goddamn ludicrous. uncertainty is a bitch. i still keep holding onto that memory. that moment when you were staring at my tattoo on my wrist, just stroking it. and i asked you what do you feel? and you said well, if you don't concentrate that hard you can't feel or see the scars but when you do you can. i wasn't even talking about my tattoo. but i knew that connection. that knowing, spoke so terrifyingly. yet it gave me some sense of reassurance, an unknown security.

i feel like i'm dying and no one can save me from myself.

affliction.

i haven't felt my depression with such force in an extremely long time. i forgot what dying feels like. i feel like a walking corpse, i'm dead but i'm alive.

i don't feel safe. i'm fucking scared to death. the terrifying reality that i know i am FULLY CAPABLE of relapsing. that i know i can succeed in hurting myself again. in suicide. but i know i can't allow myself to do that. no. but everything is chaos. and i let people affect me more than they should. i let you in too deep. and now i can't get you out. you've gotten under my skin. and all i want to do is cut you out. i hate that i want to save everyone. but i can't be the rescuer. i can't help everyone. the only person that can save you is yourself. you can have all the support in the world but it all comes down to you, changing for yourself. no one else has that power except you.

i am the best actress. but anyone can fake emotions behind a screen. it doesn't matter how many smiley faces or lol's you type out. no one can ever tell if you're being real or not. i haven't felt this emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted in so long. i just want to sleep for eternity or run away. but you can't run away from your own mind. it'll always be with you. it'll always follow you. inevitable.

i don't know why this hurts so much more this time. i am just so tired of always being this 3 second thing to everyone. just used and abused. its the thing to do. to be inconsiderate. to be mislead. so continue that sweet talk, cloaked with deceit. and i want to hate, i do. i do. i do. i want to throw punches, scream obscenities, say vicious words. but what's the point? its just me. completely taken aback. completely vulnerable. completely damaged. i feel stuck. so incredibly stuck. and i'm wasting away with time. with the seconds. everything just feels heavy.

funny, i don't think anyone knows just how self-destructive i can really be. how much i ache. how much the pain engulfs me whole. the way my head throbs but not because of headaches, because of thoughts. the way that organ beating in my chest feels like its been ripped out and it just leaves that empty feeling. how my entire body feels like its burning. bruised. and broken. such calamity. such suffering. i don't know the way back from the wreckage. i don't know the way out. i don't know how to save myself.

i don't know how to be okay again.

compulsion.

i'm not even going to try and deny that this hurts, maybe a bit too much. but only when i'm in my own solitude. when no one else is in the room. or perhaps even when everyone is busy talking to one another and i decide to ignore the current conversation, or the laughter or moment and i become alone with my thoughts. the quietness. the want. the need. the longing. and its not coming back that feeling. euphoria. passion. happiness. all encompassed within a memory stored in the past. and you can't rewind. that button doesn't exist. and it never will. so we agree with acceptance. we try and look truth in the eye but deep down it breaks you. destroy the feeling. the knowing. the reality. because prevarications tend to speak such ease and eloquence. and we'd all prefer to hear all the fucking lies and swallow denial by the capsule because let's face it, the truth fucking sucks.

funny thing is, in some strange, twisted way i wanted you to break my [heart.] i did. i did. i did. somehow i knew it from the get go. and i am always rebelling against my intuition. impulsivity could be an addiction. being adventurous and reckless and not holding back, even when you SHOULD, on rare occasions it can spark something beautiful and amazing but for the most part its detrimental but i guess this is how i learn. this is how i am. risking it all. but for what? to feel? comfort? temporary. i am lost within my own mind. compulsions.

this will take some time just like any other situation. i'll let myself feel and cry. question. rewind the memories. going over what i did wrong and what i didn't do or what i should've done. breathing. but i know you have emotional baggage, and i know we all do. and i know you carry a heavy heart, even though i find it lovely. but you'll never know that. and there's no point in having dialogue when it isn't reciprocal. so the line's dead. conversation over. and even though i may question everything in its entirety i have to let it go. i think this is the one lesson i've been struggling with my entire life. and i'm not saying this is easy. this hurts. and i just have to move on and perhaps in the future our paths will cross again but for now on a brighter note, at least it was fun and spontaneous and we had some chance. and you're not a terrible person, just like every human being in this world i have no control over anyone's actions and feelings, except my own.

as much as the truth hurts, it never hurt to be too hopeful. we all learn, acceptance.

reoccurrence.

i feel awful. i'm sick as fuck. my SAD // depression is overwhelming me. you have nothing to say. the boy at school i fancy is now in a relationship. i don't want to go back to school. and i just feel extremely stupid and selfish. i don't know what real is anymore and i don't know how to repair myself today.

i guess i'm also just really distressed that tomorrow marks my one year and i should be happy and celebrating but there is something so raw, so intriguing and strangely appealing about being so broken. about having scars. being a tragedy. i don't know. i feel like someone ripped out my heart and decided to be inconsiderate and ruthless and keep it for themselves. and now all there is is that fucking giant, dark, empty abyss. what the fuck am i supposed to do with that? i get too attached and i hate myself for it. i care too much. i'm too hopeful. i believe in things to convince myself its for the better or that somehow by some miracle things will change and i'll be happy. but fuck it all i don't know what i want, i don't know anymore. i don't want to be in school, i want to just work and make art and do my own thing. i don't like the environment at my school, the majority is pretentious but i know they're just insecure and broken too. i don't feel safe.

i just wish for once someone could understand my heart and keep it and cherish it and care for it and know that i'm not the easiest person to handle. love me with all my ugly scars and flaws. but i always want what i can't have and all the boys that want me i don't want and all the boys i want don't want me.

there's this reoccurring theme in my life, that all the guys i keep falling for end up being misleading. and i always think its going to work out and somehow along the way it falls apart and i just end up getting disappointed and hurt. i've accepted the fact that the potential of me being single for the rest of my life is definite. and this reoccurring theme is nothing short of detrimental to my self-esteem. i could drown in the amount of doubts and insecurities these situations conjure. i'm tired of all of this. tired of always getting hurt in the end. tired of finding someone and then learning that they get bored of me or get scared or some pathetic reason i don't want to hear. i'm always this 3 second thing to everyone. i'm never enough. i'm your fucking booty call at 4 am. everyone's just lusting. and if they aren't they're confused and are being pansies and can't even date, and i don't even want a label or be in a relationship. i'm everyone's temporary fix. because nobody cares. no one gives a fucking shit about the way they decide to handle my heart. so go ahead trash it, cut it, beat it, kick it, rip it, burn it, eat it, smash it, destroy it. and it'll take me a good amount of time to recollect all the pieces, tape it back together and somehow find some good enough adhesive to keep it from shattering all over again.

i keep thinking its me but i know its not me. i can't control how people feel or the way they act. i just want to believe that love is possible and that's all anyone really wants is to be loved.