Finally.

Yesterday I woke up and it smelled like spring but it felt like summer. I've been missing the sunshine and when it makes it's grand entrance I always make sure I'm wearing the best smile on. My hair is growing and I love it. There's only 7? 6? weeks of school left and it's freaks the shit out of me but at the same time I am overly exuberant about graduating. I've been skipping way too much school, in hopes of completing projects or assignments...I like to think I'm actually doing something right. I swear tomorrow will be day 1 again of ending my missing-class-cycle. Promise. Today is an exception because I have the most fucking ridiculous history test in the world and it's 5 am and I need to study.

Yesterday was wonderful for the most part. I love knowing that summer's around the corner when a sweater is no longer required. I didn't go to photo because I was trying to finish my goddamn Lit essay, which by the way is overdue by 4 days. FML. I went to art and expected my bitter art teacher to yell at me or glare at me for my absence in photo. Instead, I see a substitute who has taught at my school last year and who I'm shamelessly in love with. I see Kelly and we both go out of the class for 5 minutes to freak out. We were both hyperventilating // laughing // going insane // screaming OMG IT'S MR. SINCLAIR! Trust me, he's not your generic type of guy he's more like (or as I like to describe him) the type of person you'd find at art school, sitting under a tree, all in black, creating a masterpiece and being all mysterious. Yeah, gorgeous. Well that was legit the best 1 hour and 30 mins of my life. Haha. Last year Kelly and I had him for art and we looked at his sketchbook and we saw something that reminded us of Tyrannia from neopets and we were like OMG NEOPETS. And LAWL-ing nonstop and ever since we've been ashamed of saying that because he's actually amazing at art. I don't think he remembered us so we were a tad disappointed but overall it was awesome.

Went to 7/11 at lunch to get a slurpie. I swear summer's almost here. It was strange 'cause in order to get to all the restaurants and food places you have to go into the Point Grey area where Adam, Allan & Nate attend. And for some weird reason deep down I wish I saw them. I don't know why. It's unexplainable.

& sometimes on certain days I wear my confidence completely and I feel exceptionally beautiful. This doesn't happen a lot and when it does I embrace it entirely. I try not to have the arrogance take over and become superfluous. It's unattractive. And on random occasions, I walk around like I'm famous. It's a strange engagement. I don't know why I find it even necessary to act in that particular or even feel that way. Unexplainable. Perhaps it's because I'm finally feeling like I know who I am. Comfort in my own skin. Audacious? Maybe this is me finally being fearless.

& you know what? I should feel stress with the atrocious amount of homework, essays and tests assigned but I am far too content right now to even worry. And it's a damn good feeling.

If my gut is correct, I'm certain I have FOUR, SIXTEEN YEAR OLD BOYS AFTER ME.

It's flattering but man, why is my life one HUGE awkward turtle?

& it always perplexes me how people even take an interest in me, honestly. I'm not that intriguing? Or perhaps I'm being a fool and I just don't perceive myself in such a manner. Or perhaps I am blind to my own 'great' qualities. Either way I am dumbfounded. 

What to do. What to do. & I would not date any of them unless their maturity level elevates. Okay fine. Maybe one of them but he lives on the other side of the world. 

I'm just letting it be.

W a n t i n g.

I want to fall in love and know that that feeling speaks familiarity and comfort. I want it to be summer. I want sunshine and tazo tea lemonade. I want to be able to extricate from all pessimism even if it means letting go. I want to "find my own peace." I want to go to more shows. I want to make new friends. I want the unexpected. I want to know I have real friends. I want to wear white dresses. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to indulge in risks and rebellion. I want to get my tattoos done. I want to get more piercings. I want to go to california. I want to date a rockstar. I want to read more books. I want to make more art and stop procrastinating. I want my motivation back. I want more days filled with amusement and tons of laughter. I want to go to Playland and eat cotton candy. I want to feel pretty more often. I want to know that life gets better after high school. I want to know if I'll ever break free of unnecessary drama. I want to move to another country. I want to go back to India. I want to travel and have amazing adventures with my friends. I want to cuddle and spoon. I want someone to write me a song. I want to be free. I want more drunken nights venturing the streets at 3 am. I want hipbone to hipbone. I want to have sex. I want to stop feeling doubtful. I want to get over my fears and insecurities. I want to feel alive. I want to know that I haven't wasted my youth. I want to go visit Alex in NZ. I want to see Hannah, Abby, Emily and Frisco. I want to go shopping in NYC. I want a ginger kid, basically.

I want too much. I dream too often. I never get anything done. What is this? Summer fever? Too many things are happening and I don't know if I like it.

pain repeats itself.

It's like Grade 6 all over again. And that fear, the concern, the pain I thought I had forgotten long ago has resurfaced. I believe it was 2003 and never in my entire existence have I ever endured such a difficult year with so many sufferings. I found out my mum had gotten extremely sick and no one really knew what was wrong with her. Throughout the year my mum kept to herself, always locking herself in her bedroom. She'd be in there frequently and sometimes I wouldn't see her for weeks. I ended up playing second mum, having to do x 10 of the chores, looking out for my sister, making sure my dad was okay while trying to finish the school year. June had to me the hardest month because we found out my great grandfather had gotten pneumonia. And 30 days later he passed away. It my first witness of a death of a loved one and it still affects me to this day. I have never seen such a lifeless body in my entire life (that's a lie, my great grandmother displayed this too.) I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life. And somewhere in the summer months one of my uncle's passed away from cancer and later that year another uncle of mine was murdered. 3 deaths is hard to handle. I was 11 years old when all this happened.

Yesterday, I had a very abrupt and no-so-friendly fight with my mother. She was sick and I needed to get ready for a party so I brought my friend Amanda over to help me. My mum needed to go downstairs to take her medication and my dad kept telling me to leave but I complained that I needed to get ready. My mum ended up screaming at me and telling me how I was being selfish and self-centered. She said that she was in a lot of pain and wanted my friend out of the house. I screamed back at her telling her it wasn't fair to kick me out too because I needed to get ready. She said that it was "the law" that if someone's sick you need to obey them or something. I was like mum, it's not the law and that this is my house too. I ended up crying and screaming at her saying "I'm SORRY. I'M SORRY. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT OKAY? I'M SORRY." And then my mum was like okay, well you don't care about my pain. And I retorted saying "MUM, WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT ABOUT MY PAIN!" And I  just left, packed whatever I needed and exited. I felt terrible my friend had to hear all this. It should be a law to not have parents yell at you when your friends are over it's probably the most inappropriate // embarrassing thing a parent could do. Or one of them at least. 

I was planning on not even going to the party and just sleeping in the playground at the nearby park. I was even intending to not come home for a couple of days. I've done it before so why not? I ended up going to the party and sleeping over at my friend's house. I came home today and my dad came to talk to me. He told me how I should apologize to mum and that yesterday she was in a lot of pain. He also explained how her sickness has come back and that she has liver disease. He also explained how she is part of the small percentage that suffers a lot of pain from this disease & that we have to help her because before she didn't want to show herself to my sister and I so we wouldn't worry. I ended up crying and told him in panicky exhales that I wasn't stupid, and that this was like Gr 6 all over again. I told him I notice things in this house that no one else does, I told him how I knew something was wrong and that things go unheard in this household. Obviously, this conversation made me feel extremely guilty and horrible of the night before. 

And the worse part of all this is that my mum could die from this. I'm only 17 and the thought of losing my mum despite the fact she can be a callous bitch at times scares the fucking hell out of me. My mind is chaos and all I want to do is sleep. I don't want to accept this situation because I'm too afraid to embrace the pain. I don't want to get up because it means facing reality and living it. I don't want to worry because it puts me in such a vulnerable and fragile state. And I hate that solution to problems where all you can do is just stand at the scene...and the only thing you can do to help someone's pain is just be there for them when you want to do something more, everything in your power to heal the wounds but you know you can't. The hardest part is trying to stay strong, not only for myself but for my mum, dad and sister. And the fact we have to keep this a secret to prevent people from worrying takes a toll on me. Pretending. Like. Everything. Is. Fucking. Okay. But that shouldn't be a problem, right? I mean, I've done it before for so many years why does this seem harder than ever?

why do bad things always happen to good people?

Also, I am not religious but this is what I believe:

God is love.

Hell is a state of mind.

Heaven is the feeling of being alive.

I will wear hope around my neck and fight.