Angels and Scars.

I was just reading the topics & messaged on he To Write Love On Her Arms
message board on facebook.

And I noticed there are so many people, strangers reaching out.
Trying to help.
They donate their time to help people like me, the reckless, the hopeless, the helpless,
the abandoned, the lonely, the hurting.
They are creating change.
Never in my life have I seen such love, given by strangers.
People who are willing to save your life.
Save you from that minute you want to cut, down the alcohol, pop the pills, take your life.

I've seen a lot of people on there who are mess just like me.
They've opened up, gotten the courage to speak up and let their voice be heard.
They have spoken their story.
Revealed their scars.
Their secrets.

They are so much braver then me.
Though, I am proud of them.
I wish I could open up & tell my story to them.
Tell them my pain.
Even whisper a single word about it.
But I simply can't.
It's much more complicated then I thought.

Even though it seems confessing your secrets to complete strangers
sounds either strange or better then confiding in a close friend,
I still cannot do such a thing.

Even though I know they won't judge me,
I am still living in fear.
I can't open my mouth and speak the words out on this screen.
I can't even write it out on paper.
It's that difficult to confess.

I wish I could reveal my story to them,
they seem trustworthy,
people who will hold on to your secret, cry for you and try their hardest to save your life.

I believe they are angels.
But I am still living in fear, dealing with my own demons that I don't dare say a word.

fj;aslkfjdsalkfja.

I finished The Oxtrad today.
I miss everyone I've met during this month.

I met this boy named Jak while I was there.
He wasn't in the program just a guy I met
on the streets of Oxford.

He's got the funniest personality + he's actually
really sweet.

He doesn't/didn't know I fancied him.
Today at 1 am I snuck out of my college to see him.
I hung out with him for 3 hours.

It was amazing. And we said our goodbyes.
I don't think he'll ever realize how much I miss him.

I feel like crawling into a hole.
My heart feels heavy and in need of aid.
I feel torn and empty.



and I realized that I may never see him again.








just leave me your stardust to remember you by.

this.

I feel so empty and numb.
So empty and numb.
I can't form my words.
And these sentences aren't coming out right.
Everything feels like it's going by too quickly.
And I'm running out of time.
It's like there's no time to smile.
No time for anything at all.
I feel so detached from everyone.
And I'm losing grip.
It's like this never ending cycle,
where it's that moment when I finally
can get off the ground but then I lose
everything and I fall back down again.
It's so frustrating.
And it just feels like I need to impress everyone
or everyone expects something of me.
Whether it's to make them smile or
to be like this or that.
I don't know.
I don't fucking know.
I can't do this.
I just can't fucking do this anymore.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There's a hole in my heart.
It's been there forever.
And it's has it's shares of repair.
But it always appears that the tape or glue or
some sort of adhesive never stays on for very long.
Soon it disintegrates and falls apart.
And the hole reforms itself.
Over and over again.
It's so empty.
It's sad really, how I keep telling myself
someone will soon come by and refill the hole in my heart.
And I'll keep believing that statement.
Until my heart is full.

On another note,
I realize I may not be able to go to London this summer.
London is my favorite place on earth.
If I could move there instantly, I would.
And I plan to in the future.

I've been accepted into the Oxbridge program
at Oxford + Cambridge for the summer.

But I know I can't go unless I'm healthy and well.
And I haven't exactly stayed clean for a long time.
It's been harsh fighting off the demons,
and fucking emotions.
I hate this. I really do.
I hate how I have these fucking disorders and hormonal in balance.
I don't understand why I had to be the problem child.
Why my depression wasn't just something that came to be when puberty started.
When really it's genetic.
And the fact I know,
that cutting is really an addiction.
And no one knows how fucking hard it is to stay clean.
Seriously, it is an extremely difficult journey.
And I'm tired of people saying things about how the whole "emo" scene.
Whatever the fuck you want to call it.
It's absolutely ridiculous and stereotypical.
You don't know shit. You don't know me. STFU.

And I hate how I regret telling certain people.
People I thought I could trust.
People who were my friends.
That's probably one of the most hardest things to accept.
The fact that my secret is lingering in their minds,
and they fucking know.
And my secret could slip out of their mouths instantaneously.
And soon, everyone will know.
And who knows what the fuck will happen.
But I do know. Everything will just be downhill from there.

Plus, exams are coming up and I'm stressing so much.
I know I shouldn't.
But my anxiety is seriously getting me.
I've avoided seeing my therapist.
Actually, I quite dislike her.
I haven't told my parents that.
Though, I admit.
I'm pretty good at lying.
You just sit at the sessions and pretend you're doing fine,
great, and just act all content like your life is really turning around.
I hate lying.
But really. I don't fucking trust anyone these days.
And I know therapists are suppose to help and really get you to talk
about you feelings and your problems.
But I just can't seem to open up these days.
I feel like everyone will just betray me in a millisecond.
And fuck.

I can't even explain things anymore.

I'll get back to this later.
jfds;klfjsdalkjfasdk. fucking hell.

I hate to admit it.
But I think I do fancy you.

I hate this.
How now I'm analyzing every move I make,
or the small acts or gestures you do towards me.
Or how I've become so incredibly dorky around you.
And the fact I consistently bite my lips when you're near me.
Which is basically out of nervousness.
And the fact I constantly "flirt" with you without know it.
And how sometimes when you're in my presence I can
only speak in fragment/nonsensical phrases.
Or how my whole body shivers when our skins touch.
And the fact you always lend me your sweaters when I'm cold.
Or how you always seem to make me smile or laugh even on the harshest days.
How you always walk me halfway down the stairs from math.
And the fact we both tease each other excessively.
And the fact it's completely obvious to everyone in our group knows it'll eventually happen.
And just I guess...everything about you is just so cute.
I can't exactly put into words how I feel about you/this.
I don't know.

But maybe.
this is the beginning of something.
something new.

terrible.

I don't like this.
I hate feeling insecure.

I no longer have the sense of inspiration I want/need.
And I lack creativity these days.

And god knows why I even call myself a so-called artist.

I lack skills and imagination.
And my photography doesn't even come close to being amazing.

plus.

the whole situation about you. fancying me.
i just don't get it right now.
and i refuse to accept that your feeling may be true.
just right now, you've caught me in a bad time.

i hate to say this but honestly you're suffocating me.
every breath i take.
it's become so difficult and the words are drying up at my mouth.
i can't bear this any longer.
it's just so ridiculous and absurd.
please forgive me.

it's just me.

For you and me.

It finally hit me that she is gone.
She is no longer physically here.
And now, I may never talk to her or see her again.

And it hit me with it's complete force,
And I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life.

Though, I didn't just cry about her,
I cried for him.

And I can't imagine how much he hurts.

And I will brave my heart for you, Jamie.
I will.

Brave my heart for you.

Never Knew - The Rocket Summer

I just ran into a few someones today
Someones that I never really knew
And I used to think how I had them all so figured out

But no, none of it's true cuz I never knew you
And now the truth of it is, is I wanna be like you
So hello, good friend, I wanna be next to you
For my head, for my heart, for its true

So I'm burning the thoughts of the things that I once said
Because you tore down the walls that the world has put inside my head
And I just get sick of things that we think, we think we know

And no, none of it's true cuz I never knew you
And now the truth of it is, is I wanna be like you
So hello, good friend, I wanna be next to you
For my head, for my heart, for its true

So take me and save me and change me and then make me
And embrace me and then brave my heart for you
No, No, cuz I can't go on without you
And it's time for something we never knew, oh

And no, none of it's true cuz I never knew you
and now the truth of it is, is I wanna be like you
So hello, good friend, I wanna be next to you
For my head, for my heart, for its true

And as they strolled along
My heart broke out in song
From all the things and the thoughts and assumptions that I had wrong
See now I'll be on my way to make this claim
I'll make it famous in everyway
I'll make it stay when I will say that...

No, none of it's true cuz I never knew you
And now the truth of it is, is I wanna be like you
So hello, good friend, I wanna be next to you
For my head for my heart for its true [x3]




This song has been playing through my headphones for the past 2 hours.
I'm scared for him and I just want to feel his touch so close again.

False hope and the unmentionables.

I feel like crying so hard.
I feel like hugging him tight.
And telling him it'll be all okay.
But I can't.
I can't give false hope to someone.

If I could re-live this day, this night I would.

Sitting beside him on the couch,
watching a horror movie.
Skins touch and you feel each other's warmth.
You're so close the air's compressed.
And everything feels right but you only wish for
him to put his arm around you.

Walking to the park and sitting on swings.
Dialogues of secrets and gossip.
And it feels just like a scene in a movie.
Everything feels perfect and you know you're getting close.

And the walk back to my house was the hardest journey I've ever done.
I told him my secret,
my story.
I told him about the tragic deaths of my past,
the horror of cutting and my use of drugs.
I told him about my disorders and my depression.
And then he spoke so softly.
And I would've never thought this. ever.
He said that he was depressed too.
And I asked why?
And he wouldn't tell me until he finally gave in.
He told me about the death of his grandmother and
the worse, his mother.
I was in complete shock.
And the sorrys were repeatedly said.
I just stopped instantly and gave him the biggest hug.
I couldn't imagine not having my mother here.
And we both cried silently.

I don't know.
Words can't even fully express how I feel right now.
And I'm still shocked.
Feeling stupid and helpless.
Because I want to help him so much.
But I can't.
False hope is nothing.
It is cruel.

Though, he did mention I was pretty good at covering up my scars.
And now I know one thing...we are very similar.

And right now.
I really wish I could just fix him.
Repair the broken pieces of his heart.
Tape it up or super glue it back.
Mend it and take care of it until he is truly happy.

Bu I guess I could say the same for myself.
Especially with my deadly secrets.

I don't know.
I just want to hug him.

Expired Words.

I hate how you're constantly so pretentious around me.
You've changed so much and you don't even realize it.
Everything between us feels different.
Our conversations are so simple and lacking smiles.
I miss being good friends.
But even if I tried to repair our friendship, which I've
done countless times.
Things NEVER change.
It's always the same routine:
we'll say our sorrys, we'll contemporarily make up,
and slowly begin to make dialogue.
But then we both become distant again and we end
up becoming this.
It's so bothersome and at the end of the day,
I always replay the scenarios of you and me being
together and analyzing everything that happened,
and everything I could've possibly done wrong or
anything I could've said or changed to make this easier to understand.
But overall, I don't think I'll ever comprehend you, me or us.
And the sad thing is,
you're now exchanging your honest words for lies.
And everything you say I don't believe anymore.
And I try and tell myself your words are pure and true,
but for all I know they've become false.
And I really do hope your words expire.

For me..?

I don't know how to start or where to end.

I am not looking for an audience,
I am simply writing for myself.