the last thing on your mind.

so here it is, being 18. so far its been a little over 6 hours since my birthday and i love it but i'm scared and nervous all at the same time. saturday i had a huge party at some penthouse my parents kindly rented out for me as a birthday gift because they knew i really wanted to throw a party and have a dance party.

lets just say it was freaking rowdyyy with 3 y's. it was super fun though, definitely something i'll remember....because the memories were quite hilarious not to mention insane and ridiculous. it was a random group of 30 kids that i knew. i actually invited some people i didn't know very well just for the hell of it but it turned out to be fantastic! i was a bit nervous since it was the first party i've ever thrown, like house party type deal. the setting: lots of food filled with grease, cholesterol, sugar and carbohydrates, an epic dance playlist ranging from pop punk to random techno, 40's of alcohol, tequila shots and tons of teenagers ready to fuck shit up.

i think it was a good way to celebrate my newly position of "becoming an adult" whatever thats supposed to mean. because if this is growing up, i'm terrified but love it all the same. it was really good seeing friends i hadn't hung out with since graduation and being with my besties and a couple of cute boys i knew. there wasn't any drama and thank god nothing was destroyed, nothing got spilt on and no one party puked on the floor.


whats standing out the most for me is you. how you came to the party just for me. not to even to meet new faces. just to see me. you could've gone with nate and allan, like you usually do. but no, you were there for me. and somehow that makes my heart smile a whole lot. the downside of all this is my dented memory. fucking tequila. this is what you get when you get too drunk. but from what i remember is this. all time low's "damned if i do ya" in the background the lines "tequila shot in the dark scene of the crime" reverberating off the walls, us singing loudly and coincidentally at that moment doing tequila shots. i recall dancing with you and its as if all the lights were entangled together folding into a perfect moment, just me and you and the music. you'd twirl me around and cleverly catch me in a way so you could hold me. it was cute. I remember letting the alcohol and loud, crashing sounds of techno, pop punk, random top 40 take me away. I was full of energy. Delirious. Ridiculous. and i had you completely wrapped around my finger, unknowingly. i remember your compliments. i remember you trying to not act a bit embarrassed for me because i was being inappropriate at times not to mention the amounts of absurdity that fell from my lips. but still you laughed and you smiled. and it didn't matter how drunk i was, or all the outrageous things i said or did. it seemed that all that mattered was that i was there within your presence, and you were grateful. now that i think of it, you were there for me to just celebrate my birthday and see me smile. knowing all of this makes my heart detonate into millions. i remember you having to leave, i remember kissing your cheek. i didn't want you to leave but you had to. and it was stupid, cliche "love" story right there.

and this is just the beginning of all of this. you know when everyone knows something and they don't tell you until 84093284290348 years later? that's all my friends right there. everyone at the party knew. i think it was brave of him to even act the way he did. i mean even though with the intoxication, i was subtle i didn't do anything noticeable. but there was immense flirting. i think everyone could see how bloody apparent, not to mention feel how intense our chemistry was. i heard it a million times the next morning. everyone telling me he was following me the entire night, that we were both attached to the hip. its funny and a tad embarrassing just because i can't recall certain moments. but all in all i know. the attraction is there. he brings out my best. and somehow i try and convince myself that i don't fancy him, that i can't allow myself to do this but i'm just in denial. i remain assured that he is attracted to me because there is physical, hard copy evidence and my god, its hilariously embarrassing yet it brings me a sort of strange content. i cannot explain. its crazy how evident the chemistry is between us. and everyone knows. i am hesitant in what the future holds, but whatever it is i'm ready for it. scared shitless but i'm excited. and this is what my mum meant when she said my heart is opening.

i can't even lie to myself. this is just too fucking cute beyond description.

the truth is, i am ashsamed. i am so fucking ashamed. and i regret it all. i don't know why the only one night stand that affects me the most is with jeremy. but i know the reason, once all the layers are shedded. its because i actually go to school with him. i see him every wednesday and i can't even allow myself to be friends with him, or be civil or have any sort of communication with him unless it has to do with school. every time i see his face i cringe, it makes me want to die right there because all i think about is how i was so incredibly stupid and impulsive at the time to hook up with him. i know we didn't have sex but the fact that shit happened between us makes me nauseous. i'm not really concerned if he tells people and word gets around because that's just one sided and they don't know my story. oh, that's the biggest reason why i feel so regretful. I TOLD HIM MY FUCKING STORY. but it wasn't even to have a connection for someone, for some god awful reason in my pathetically fucking mindless brain of mind i told my story for some sort of sympathy, some reaction of need and care in that specific moment in time. doing that makes me want to slit my wrists more than ever. but i know i am bigger than that. stronger than my demons. but i could easily slip. and i want to do it so badly. i've tried for so long to lie to myself, convince myself that i was okay with this but i'm not. its so difficult because now i'm put into a group project with him and all i want him to do is shut the fuck up and get the fuck out. actually. he may be 21 but he's one of the most immature people i know. he tries to act all "coo'" and be like a guy my age and its not very appealing. or the fact that he's older than me he looks down on me because i'm younger. FUCK OFF. i am way more emotionally stable than he is. i am a better person than him. i am not condescending. you can't change the past. we can't change what we've done so all i have is acceptance. responsibility. change - for the future.


on another note, i really miss the "scene kids" because they were into music that was real and honest. i remember all the bands from 9th grade, all the bands that understood my teenage angst, all the pain and suffering i felt at that specific moment in time. i miss bands like The Spill Canvas. Brand New. Taking Back Sunday. Old school Paramore. Hawthorne Heights. From First To Last. And of course all the pop punk. The Academy Is..., Old school All Time Low & Cobra Starship. blink-182. Panic! At The Disco (but only their first album.) Mae. Even old school Fall Out Boy. The Hush Sound. Jimmy Eat World. Something Corporate. & for me, Between The Trees.

I miss all of that. I'm so sick of this "indie//hipster" scene and everyone's into shitty electronic tunes meshed with pathetic acoustics and its really just techno but no. its distortion of sounds and crappy vocals. Don't get me wrong, I love a lot of "indie" bands but I am just so sick of it at the same time. I don't think "indie" music will ever make me feel as much as pop punk and alternative music will.




All right you win but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to god, if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming
Settle precious, I know what you're going through
Ten minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too...

We all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self-conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

3 am.

there's something about being awake at 3 am that makes me feel so alive. i find comfort in all the late hours of the night. i am notorious for being the biggest night owl. procrastination isn't what i'm suffering from, its this appeal that not getting things done makes me feel more rebellious or somehow in my own way i'm fighting the system. i don't know. i like listening to explosions in the sky, switchfoot and tiny dancer by elton john late, late at night. there's something captivating about the music you choose to listen to at random times of the day. all i know is that its raining, raining buckets. i can hear the raindrops reverberating off my rooftop and ironically, as much as i dislike the rain, tonight its calming. my tea's gone cold and its left a strange aftertaste in my mouth. the randomnest people start talking to me on facebook chat at all the late hours of the night. its funny and interesting and intriguing all at the same time. i won't over-analyze maybe i'm just one of those go-to people. but rob did say something that does hold a bit uncertainty. he told me he couldn't sleep, i told him to go to bed, he said well i got preoccupied talking to some girl. i'm not sure if it was directed to me or not but still, just a tinge of suspicion right there? i keep laughing in my sleep because i don't even know whats happening in my life right now, everything seems messy and disorganized. it isn't your typical chaos where the walls come crashing down and hopelessness comes into play, its more of a beautiful disaster, unknowingly giving birth to things i had forgotten about or to little tokens of hope. whatever the future is stirring up i'm ready for it. its all scary and enticing and strange but i like it. the unexpected will always be my best friend, i'll take it with me to my grave. i swear.

oh, and i've been feeling beautiful lately...consecutive days now that's pretty impressive. i will write about it later though.

but this, 3 am and inner peace and self-assurance and just blatantly content is enough to keep me going for tomorrow.

i can't even feel stupid about it. why me & my god awful pathetic teenage heart?
why do i feel embarrassed about this? ashamed? stupid?

sometimes i refuse to allow myself to fancy someone because i somehow convince myself it's stupid and not worth it. but i know i'm just lying to myself because sometimes you can't control how you feel. control. the one thing that i have yet the one thing i don't have at the same time. i don't get this at all.

losing the compass.

profession of expertise: heartbreaker.

i break too many hearts. this always happens. even if i don't do ANYTHING, i still end up breaking someone's heart. why does this always happen? i'm a nice person, or at least i like to think so. i don't lead boys on, or anyone on. i am just me. i am friendly. i don't give false hope. but somehow along the way even with my honesty, even when i clearly give the other a good idea that i am NOT interested in them i still hurt them. and all i am doing is being me. all i am doing is nothing. even if i don't say anything. heartbreaker. thats what i am. thats what my mum even says. i broke another heart today but eventually the truth had to be laid out. MJ was into me, he's 23. I'm 17. thats a pretty big age difference. i don't mind older guys but he just wasn't my kind of fancy. he's a nice person but not my type. he asked me he had heard from others that i wasn't interested in him and that he wanted the truth. i told him simply that i didn't feel the same way but i thought he was coo' as a friend and as a person and that i was sorry if i gave any false impressions. he said he was pretty bummed but that he can't blame me and that at least this it out of the way. i don't know why i feel so terrible about this, i guess i've always been someone who's tried to make others happy before myself. but when it comes to fancying people, especially if someone is interested me yet i am not interested in them i will never give them false hope. i've tried pretense on and its not attractive. it hurts people. it hurts me. and both sides are at a loss.

i feel like there's too many "boy issues" in my life right now. even steph thinks so. in her own words "you have so many boys in your life, i can't keep up." i think i need to go on strike again, but everyone knows i can't last that long without getting drunk or something and hooking up with someone because i am impulsive as fuck. it just always seems the guys i'm uninterested in are always into me and the boys i want i can never get their attention. funny how i have all these so-called males in my life yet i'm not dating any of them.

its always the boys i don't fancy i get and THE ONE BOY i fancy i can't seem to get attention from. you always want what you can't have. why does that happen? i mean EVERY SINGLE TIME i end up actually really fancying a boy i can never get his full attention. what is wrong here? and to the guys i'm not interested in, I CLEARLY paint a picture for them that i am attracted to them. truth be told, the male species i will never understand. ever.

my heart's all over the place. i don't even know anymore. it pulls me in every direction and i've lost the compass yet again. there's no use for a map because i can't even find north. poor little organ engulfed by confusion. i can't seem to make up my mind and that's the difficult part. damn my indecisive nature. the only thing left to do is just stay where i am, or let the wind take me where it may. i have no control over what will happen next. but as much as this kind of hurts, as much as i'm a bit scared with no sense of direction, i do like the unexpected, i always will and maybe just maybe i'll find something soon. whatever that may be.


& i'm a bit suspicious but this is probably my over-analyzing self talking, but i think rob fancies me, which is awkward because he's dylan's friend. he did go out of his way last night to talk to me and bbm me 'till 4 am when i fell asleep. ohwell.


i've been saying this a lot but whatever happens, happens.

i hate how my parents just break the moment completely with something that they both know will piss both my sister and i off so badly. i hate how they can't trust us that we won't burn the house down for 10 fucking days. since my cousin katie can't house watch they've decided to ask my grandparents to "babysit" us. i would rather live on the streets of hasting then within these four walls with my grandparents for that one week and 3 days. its not that i don't love them but they are immigrants from china and their traditions and rules i will not be able to bear. especially that i am notorious for late nights on weekends and not getting in till 4 am is of routine. also, the fact that i'm probably going to a couple gigs around that time and i will be partying. this also means no boys at the house, which is really dumb because some of my best friends are boys and one of them is hamish my lovely gay best friend. i'm not even talking about social suicide, its just going to be hell and prefer not getting a call every 20 minutes to know my exact location. and seriously, i'm turning 18 in two weeks. i may not be the most mature person ever but being used to my parents not coming home late my sister and i can survive that, and the fact that we've both gone overseas without parental supervision we had a lot of fucking independence and spent it well. we didn't get into trouble, we didn't party, we didn't get into any messes of any sort. i just don't get why they always have to do this. just because i do immature things and sometimes i'm naive and i can't do things doesn't mean i can't live with my sister by ourselves for 10 days without parental supervision. we aren't going to throw some massive party. are you kidding me? my house is way too fucking immaculate to trash and why would i do that in the first place? shit would get stolen in seconds.

this is so dumb. and maybe i'm overreacting but i am so sick of them thinking someone needs to baby me and my sister. jesus.

what i need is, all i need is, just a little emotion.

tonight i'm an optimist. tonight was a new beginning. tonight was a lot of things. but above all tonight was about being free. dylan didn't come to the gig like i wanted him to, i half-expected this to happen anyways. i got to the venue, met up with adam, jenny & her friend and the pomo kids aka dylan's friends rob and dan. since i'm quite indolent and its already 2:15 am i'm going to skip all the boring details. basically Lights was fucking amazing, Adam and I had our own dance party, we were basically the only ones who knew all her songs and danced like crazy motherfuckers. the crowd was lame, no one danced, no one was really into her songs. it was awkward with the pomo kids 'cause rob wasn't drinking since he was driving and i think its just 'cause we don't really know each other. i tried to make conversation with them but they weren't very sociable, moreso rob than dan. i got a bit drunk, tried to get adam drunk, epic fail.

----- i couldn't do without the deets. ------

it was intermission and adam wanted to go more towards the front, i grabbed his hand and led him through the crowd. we were in the middle ish and we were both stoked as hell. i felt bad for leaving jenny with the pomo kids but the thing, adam and i are IN LOVE with lights. actually. so lights came on and she played an epic set, basically adam and i started a dance party right then and there and there were moments where we'd just scream the lyrics to each other and no one else around us was dancing nor singing. lame. there were instances where he'd grab me and he'd put my arm around me, but i knew not to do anything because we're just friends. it was really funny 'cause we were both flailing our arms like crazy and not giving a shit who thought we were crazy and obnoxious because when i feel music, i feel it in its entirety and when its dancy music i dance like there's no tomorrow. after the gig i found the pomo kids and jenny, i don't think they enjoyed the gig as much we made small talk and i gave the pomo kids a hug. jenny told me after that rob asked her if adam and i were going out and she said no, which is true because i am single as 1 2 3. he said i'd be pretty lucky if i went out with adam because he thought he was pretty good looking (no homo.) adam and i laughed and i jokingly said "yeah, adam we should totally date." it was funny. i bused homed with him, even though his bus route was completely out of the way and took me twice as long to get home. we talked the entire way. although the whole night he kept playing with his hair 'cause he's got that whole Alex Gaskarth look down, y'know the side bangs, the hair that flips out and needs to be played with and tassled like legit 24/7. i kept calling him a tool and a manwhore, hey its true! i don't mind if a guy spends time on his hair but c'mon, all the fucking time? ridiculous. on the bus he was playing with his hair and i'm just like seriously adam, do you HAVE to fix it every second? and he's like to be honest, i can spend hours on my hair. i laughed. he's like help me fix it! so i fixed his hair for him. i felt a bit awkward putting my hands through his hair. haha. we talked the entire way about concerts and bands and how much we both love pop punk. i said bye to my raffiki and gave him a hug.

you know what's really annoying? how sometimes people say things and then you kind of start believing them, and then you get ideas and then you wonder what if? so now i'm thinking maybe adam and i could be something but preferably i'd like to keep him as a friend, i mean i could see us both ways. we would make a pretty cute couple but i'd rather be best friends with him. i don't know, he is really good looking and he's really smart and pretty mature for his age and has a good personality, not to mention we share similar music tastes and he's in a band and he sings and plays guitar. but i don't know i feel like something is missing here and the one year age difference isn't whats bothering me. i think honestly its the people we know and if we went out how fucked that could end up if something were to happy and things didn't work out. with our circle of friends, gossip spreads fast and there are liars.

again, i have no idea where this optimism is coming from but whatever happens happens. and i am over dylan. i mean i still think he is adorable as fuck but if someone doesn't want to get to know me, i mean afterall i did try and hang out with him twice and both times he's turned down, on top of that he doesn't have the decency to tell me himself that he can't come to these gigs shows that he clearly can't man up, and someone like that isn't worth my time. i'm sure he's a nice guy and yes, he makes an epic dance partner but if someone can't be spontaneous and let go for a couple of seconds and especially when someone is OBVIOUSLY showing interest in you you should at least try it, don't worry about hurting my feelings because i'm a strong enough person to deal with rejection, its happened all my life so why should i be afraid now? (typing that out was really fucking brave because i don't think i've ever admitted that until just this second.) i guess i'll never know why he didn't show or bothered to text back, whatever the reason it doesn't matter. all that matters is that i had fun, i turned the negative to positive and i'm learning to pick up the pieces. if this is growing up, i feel pretty proud of this.


p.s i think i recycle boys hearts like there's no tomorrow, and i think part of me does fancy adam. fuck. but nonetheless my heart is open. and i am just letting things unfold.

love your wounds, mend your heart.

i think with destruction comes rebirth. you can tear down the walls, burn all the bridges, scream at the chaos and watch everything catch fire but when it all becomes ashes whats left to do? you can cry at the scenery, regret all you want and bury yourself in frustration or you can look at the wreckage and pick up the pieces. reconstruction. repairing all that was lost. all that was broken.

if anything, this last week has been a rollercoaster of emotions. it was difficult. some of the longest and painful days and nights i haven't endured in quite a long time. i haven't felt like an emotional wreck in forever and the pain that resurfaced scared me. i forgot how much all this hurt, how numb i could feel and how fucking hard it was to get back up on the ledge. but i know that this too shall pass and it did. we are in control of every minute we live. we have choices. and it'll always be a struggle to make the next right choice. every day is a learning process. and i am still healing but the scars are fading so beautifully, physically and mentally. i'm so glad i got "believe" with the sparrow tattooed on my left wrist. i stare at it all the time and remember all the paroxysms, all the turmoil i've been through. and i think to myself. i have survived.

its strange, a lot of people in my life have been going through so much and i am their shoulder to lean on. and i don't know what it is but i just know they can make it through. because pain is universal and no one said it was ever going to be easy. no one said you had to walk through it alone. i think i've learned to reach out for help instead of bottling it all up and expecting the pain to just vanish one day. sometimes all this affliction is too much. we need someone to help us. there are times where i need to be on the phone with someone, even if there's just silence just knowing someone is on the other line is enough.

to be honest, i've always had insecurities about my appearance but they were never said out loud. it was always in my own solitude i would criticize myself. i would never fish for compliments, i would never deliberately call out my faults in front of people so they'd feel sorry for me. it was always in the quiet. or in the silence of conversations. i would constantly compare myself to the people around me. to my best friends. to the girls who i thought were pretty in all those magazines. all those scene queens tearing up the internet. it was a continual fight within myself, always asking "why can't i look like that? why can't i be like that?" always always always wanting what i couldn't have. its strange because somewhere along the way, this year i started to really appreciate the girl in the mirror. in a quiet moment, i actually looked at myself straight in the eye and thought "damn, i'm beautiful." and words like that are hard to come by. days where i actually feel pretty are rare and you have to make them count.

its funny and scary all at the same time knowing i've actually came this far. that i'd never see the day where all that was detrimental, all that was bruised and scratched have healed. that i've finally learn to love myself with all my countless flaws, all my scars - mentally and physically. its a magical thing i find, to still find beauty within yourself even on your worse days, even when you look disheveled as fuck and you've got scraped knees, a broken heart and a mind full of chaos. strange how i can still find the light in these personal quagmires of mine. i like my eyes, my hair, my used-to-be-cheekbones, my lips, my collarbones, my stomach, my hipbones, my scar stained legs, even my small boobs and petite frame and even the dents displayed on my left arm from numerous razorblade inflictions.

my heart is open, the creases of my lips have turned into smiles, my eyes no longer speak torment nor chaos.

this is me and i am beautiful.

dear kendahl,

you're going to be okay. you've made it out alive before. and right now i know your heart is hurting. your mind is chaos. and it feels like october again. it feels awful. and this hurts. but you are going to move through this. you are going to be okay. you are going to find the life in you again. you are the most real person. everyone says that. you know that. you are the strongest person. even kelly knows that. even your mum knows it. everyone knows that you have grown so much. you have made superb progress. it is almost 9 months. it is almost a year. almost 365 days. you can do this. you can pull through this. you cannot sumbit yourself to the pain. you have to fight this. and people will hold your hand. you are not alone. you are not fake. you are not artificial. you just made mistakes and you need to accept them and take them into account. you cannot rewrite the past. whats happened happened. but remember who you are and what you stand for. believe in the music. believe in nature. believe in the sun and the moon and the stars. you are alive in this world. you are beautiful. you inspire. you have to fight for yourself. for everyone that matters. for friends and family. fight for the music. for art. for autumn and sunsets. for concerts. for the little things. for the jonai. for all that you love. for paris. for kenya. for india. for all your adventures and the ones soon to come. fight for polaroid pictures and tons of bracelets. fight for days spent at the park. and nights with your best friends in completely recklenessness. fight for coffee conversations. fight for all those kids that make you smile. fight for love. fight for it all. because you can do this. YOU WILL MOVE THROUGH THIS. this feeling inside, thats rotting at your interior it will subside. smile for a brighter day because you weren't meant to cut your minutes short. pain is universal and these times are hard. we get stuck in moments but you are NEVER alone in your perils. scream if you have to. until someone hears you. scream till your lungs hurt. remember: "life is about choices. we become our choices. it is possible to change."

you make the sun shine.


"You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets."

yours truly,

your teenage heart.
xx

synthetic skin. strip it away. reveal my flaws.

i've been awake for more than 24 hours. for some reason i thought i could discipline myself and be productive and get work done, but i've wasted the last 8 hours doing shit all and thinking too much and being so fucking unfocused. i don't even feel the pressure to get what needs to be done. but for some reason i find comfort in lack of sleep. in being awake at all the quiet hours. it has nothing to do with insomnia. its like a competition with myself. seeing how long i can go without sleep. but i just waste time. i waste it by the minute. and its scary how fast time goes by. seconds. minutes. hours. just vanishing.

i think i'm getting back into my skin again. just a little bit. i've been out of control lately. too much partying. too many late nights. too many shots. too many cigarettes. too many mornings looking disheveled as fuck. greasy hair. losing shit. meeting new people. getting scandalous. making out. waking up with last night's make up on. young and reckless. that's what they say. i am your typical angsty, naive, crazy teenager.

sunday night was particularly difficult. i've drank numerous times before but i never ever get a hang over up until sunday morning. i felt like death. that wasn't even the worse part. it was waking up with glitter all over my face, clothes on the floor, awake in someone else's bed, completely at a loss of what the fucking fuck happened last night type deal. you wake up your friend, you get your clothes on, you try and fix your face, you awkwardly say by to the boy who you were being affectionate with the night before. i felt like a fucking prostitute walking out of that apartment building. yeah, i get pretty trashy and i joke about it all the time but i literally felt like i had sold my body for money. even though that didn't even happen. i didn't have sex. but i felt so fucking degraded and used and abused and god awful. i slept for the entire afternoon after washing off all the glamour. stripping myself of my halloween costume. all the stuff that makes you pretty completely shedded. i woke up still feeling like shit and it made me even more frustrated that kelly flaked out on me for the billionth time. suddenly it felt like 2 years again. suddenly the demons i had destroyed long ago resurfaced. i just broke down. i cried. and i hadn't cried in a month or more. it was a strange feeling but it was bottled up emotions that needed to be liberated. i was mad. i was frustrated. i was depressed. i was regretful. i was feeling all the degradation i kept telling myself i was okay with. bottom line, i am self-destructive. the party scene isn't all fun and kisses. it isn't just living in the moment and having a fucked mentality for a couple of hours. it isn't just making a complete fool of yourself because you're never going to see these faces again. it isn't just being free, young and reckless. sometimes it gets out of hand. sometimes you get too caught up in it. and sometimes you lose control of everything. i realize that this is unhealthy. this pattern of constantly being in an intoxicated state. it spells danger.

i feel so artificial. as if every genuine part of me has faded or has somehow lost it self in this process. i feel so frustrated and angry and i keep waking up to tired eyes and a sad mind. i don't know how to get back up off my feet and know that everything will be okay. i don't know how to do this or be myself again. i feel like i know i have all the proper tools and devices to move through this but somehow i just keep ending up feeling sick to my fucking stomach. this is more than just putting myself into disastrous situations, this is more than random hookups and boys, this is about me losing myself and everything i stood food. see. stood. past tense. i don't know who the fuck i am anymore and i just need someone to slap me across me the face and tell me to wake up and tell me its going to be okay, that this too shall pass, that i'm beautiful and that this doesn't define me.


i need to know that i am alive. that every day is worth it again. that the storms that i have somehow orchestrated will disappear soon enough. that getting up in the morning, i have choices. i have control and that i can change. i just need a piece of hope, even if its the smallest, weakest string, i need to hold onto that.

twisted knots.

i keep listening to owl city because it makes me feel closer to you. i listen to "self-conclusion" by the spill canvas because that's where you got the idea for the name of your band. i listen to bon iver because it makes me think of what we could have.

but you don't know any of it. you don't have a goddamn clue how much you're pulling at my heart strings, how i wish i could feel your embrace again. your lanky body, your long bony arms, your messy dark hair. i want to taste you again. your lips brushing against mine. and i just want to feel alive again. because i keep telling myself i am, or this is it or this is how i should feel but i don't know anymore. and i know i could initiate conversation, it looks easy but it isn't. i can feel myself being too forceful and something like this needs patience. i keep hearing two different sides. one saying, "you only live once, stop hesitating and just go for it." and the other saying "you can't push this, you have to let it be." i don't know what to do but i am leaning more towards option two.

i wish you didn't live so far away. i wish you were interested like how you were before. i wish i could get to know you. i want to know you. this ridiculous ordeal is making my brain work on overdrive. my heart is all confused and has lost all sense of direction. my stomach is twisting and knotting. please free me of this feeling because i don't want to [[love]] you this way. it hurts too much and i wish you didn't infect my memory, the way you do.

but in the back of my mind, in the bottom of my heart i want you to sing
"heaven's not a place that you go when you die, its that moment in life when you touch her and you you feel alive."