i am not just skin && bones.

there are days where i just want to scream. i want to go back to the places that made me feel alive, places that have opened my eyes, places that have caused a changed within me. and more than that, i want the amazing people i've encountered and that've made an immense impact on me.

it's hard the culture shock, how i end up comparing the world i fell in love with with the world i used to find comfort in.

if only people could see the things i've seen.

i am not just skin & bones. i am more than an average teenager. i think people underestimate me a lot. i may fuck up a lot, i may make stupid decisions, sometimes i party too much and get entangled in the chaos of it, sometimes i give my body in exchange for pleasure, sometimes i do drugs, sometimes i drink too much, sometimes i'm self-destructive, sometimes i'm out of control, sometimes i'm incredibly impulsive, sometimes i'm selfish, sometimes i'm ignorant, sometimes i'm callous, sometimes i'm conceited, sometimes i get too caught up in my emotions, sometimes i get lost, sometimes i hurt others, sometimes i cause pain, sometimes i distance myself unnecessarily, sometimes i let people down, sometimes i break promises.


truth is, i am flawed to the bone. i am a broken person just like everyone else. but at the same time i know there are things that seperate me from most individuals. i have seen a lot of things for just being seventeen. i have gone through a lot of things people shouldn't have to deal with or see ever in their lifetime. i have traveled to so many wonderful places, and been to 4 continents and i am still so young. the things i've seen, the things i've had to endure are what make me. they take a lot of comprehension. i am more complex than what meets the eye. i am an oxymoron. i know that deep down i will always feel a little different, a little removed from society or most kids my age. i'm not saying i'm more mature because i still have a lot to learn but i'm saying that generally, i do have a pretty competent maturity level. i have a vast understanding for things. i feel. that's what i do. i have heart. i feel too much. i used to think crying a lot especially when the tiniest thing impacted me was a flaw. but i take it as a gift. its strange the way things move me in such immense ways. i have this thing whenever i see someone hurting or even hearing about it i will feel their pain. i will cry for them. and perhaps this is why i care so much about the world in terms of undeveloped countries - india and kenya. why music affects me more than it should. why art feels me with passion and is the reason i breathe. why stories are so important to me. getting to know someone to the core. fundamental. how i try extremely hard to not judge someone by their exterior. trust me, i know judging people is human but look beyond their appearance. people have stories. and i think it's extremely essential to get to know someone. i don't think a lot of people understand how valuable that is. stories. our stories. your story. my story.

we get so ignorant. we get so judgemental. we get so callous. i don't think i will ever understand how its so incredibly difficult to create equality or community or know love. we are all so fucked up. this is why i like causes. to write love on her arms. free the children. help gives hope. i like the people who aren't afraid. who are bold. who give volume to their voices. they want to change. they take inniative. they are brave people. the kids who aren't scared to stand out. go agains the mold. i admire that. the ones that notice the details. even the ones with quiet mouths, loud souls. the open-minded ones. free of judgement. just let it be. this is why i like to deconstruct my thoughts. i am so intrigued by stories, the way our minds work, the way we see things. everything. and i may be seventeen but i know i am being the change. maybe not in massive ways but even if i know i have helped someone in the tiniest way possible. it shows significance. it shows my heart.

perhaps this blog does not make any sense but the point is, i feel. i believe in people's stories. i am not anywhere near mediocrity. i'm complex. i am constantly going through revolutions. i believe in causes. i believe in music and art. in creativity. in boldness. in love. in community. in hope. i stand for change. to empower. to inspire.

&& sometimes i'm not meant for this world, but in the end i think i was meant to open people's eyes. i feel now i was meant to love - love unconditionally. to inspire. to tell stories. to learn others' stories. to share mine. to change the world.

living. breathing. remembering.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I think even though I may go to suburban places. Live life in the country for a bit. I swear, I will always be a city girl. Indonesia is beautiful. It reminds me of when I was little and how I used to love the beach so much. I love squidging my toes in the sand, it's possibly one of the most exhiliarating feelings in the entire universe. Not to mention the amount of sun I'm getting here. But that's beside the point. I think this summer has been extremely eventful. I've been on 4 different continents in the span of 2 months, amazing! I've never felt more alive and content in my entire life. It's not just being content, but genuine happiness. That is something to be proud of. I've spent so many years in darkness, drowning in my own atmosphere of pessimism and depression and frustration. I think it takes bravery for someone who's lived like that for so long to suddenly crawl up from the tunnel and find the light. Trust me, it wasn't easy. Not to mention the insane amounts of attempts. But I've made it. I'm here. I'm alive. I am stronger. And I couldn't be more grateful. 

Also, I've been thinking. This summer has been fucking crazy. I've done so many spontaneous things I don't have enough fingers to count them with. And of course the boys of the summer. All the random crushes and the ridiculous one night stands. Even though I get called crazy for it, I wouldn't change any of it. The one night stands, yeah they were fun while they lasted. They gave me a different kind of adrenaline, a different kind of thrill. But really in the end it was all temporary. Nothing lasts. Everything went of in ashes. And I realize now, and thank god sooner rather than later, I want someone permanent in my life. A boy that'll remain in my life. An actual, real relationship. Not random hookups. Not making out. Not just sex. Not just temporary love. I'm not in desperate needs of one but I think I'm done with the one night stands and random hookups at least for a while. Bonus, going to art school in September will give me opportunities to meet tons of new people so I'm pretty stoked on that!

As for frenchie, well I haven't talked to him in over a week, I think it's good. I mean it helps with me not being so attached. This is healthy. Moving on. Just trying to get him out of my head. But of course this isn't easy. I mean, I at least want to still keep in touch with him which I think we will. But in the mean time, whatever we had it was good while it lasted and I'm happy. Okay, maybe a little sad that I didn't exactly get to form the greatest relationship with him but maybe that's something we can work on. And well, I can definitely say I've lived in the moment. 

static to the sound of you & i undone.

Pardon my absence, I've been continent hopping for the last month and will depart again for another adventure this Saturday.

I spent the first 3 weeks of July in Kenya and it was nothing like I expected. It was magical. Abby, Hannah & Frisco were right. They said that if I thought India was amazing, Kenya was definitely different and its own kind of wonder. Kenya was for sure different from India but both are incredible places I think everyone should visit at least once in their lifetime. Kenya is another broken country but there is more to it than poverty and desecration, than kids with the flies all over their faces, than dirty water, than corrupted governments and outbreaks of war. Kenya is beauty in the breakdown. The people there are so welcoming even if you're a stranger to them they extend their arms with love. And seeing actual lions, elephants, giraffes, hippos, gazelles and all those exotic animals was truly incredible. The kids are something else. They have this certain glow about them. How their smiles could erase any fear or form of incertitude or uncertainty from your face. No one knows how these people, these kids are rich eternally. All they need is good health, their family and friends, and something so powerful which we lack in North America: community. They know love. They are the hopeful. They have so much to teach us. Our definition of rich is qualified by means of money and materialism. I am tied to the fact that these broken places hold so much beauty, so much hope and maybe their world isn't what we see in ours but they have so much to teach us. I have hope in them.

Maybe I've lost control. Maybe I'm experimenting. Maybe I'm just going through a phase. Whatever it is it gives me the biggest thrill. Adventurous. Taking charge. Being the captain of my own boat. But this time I left the compass at home. So here it goes again to my dear friend, the unexpected. I never want to let go of your hand. You have brought me to such great heights. You have led me to opportunities I don't think I would've ever taken years ago. You have opened my eyes. Perhaps, this is dangerous. This whole thing. Late nights. Living it up while I still can. While the night is still young. So, I guess we're always going to have our own playgrounds. At first it starts out as monkey bars and slides. Now they've evolved into drunken late nights with good friends and strangers, playing with lust. Paris, you showed me a good time. I forgot how much I love that city. How beautiful it is with so much history engraved into the streets, the amazing architecture, how everywhere you look everything is a work of art, so intrically designed, and the culture, the insane amount of ridiculously good looking people.

Second last night of Paris - Frankie, Jen, Morgan, my sister and I decided to go out and cause a ruckus. Walking along the Champs Elysee, one of Paris' famous streets, so trashy with our champagne and wine bottles in hand and cigarette in the other. Girls night out. We weren't expecting mischief. We weren't expecting anything bus just us drunk at 3 am wandering the streets of Paris. We sat on a bench and had a very good heart to heart. I'm so thankful for that, even with the intoxication because now I am so much more closer to Jen. Then two french boys approached us and asked us if we knew of a place to exchange our money, it was a bit suspicious. I think about it now, and I'm guessing it was an excuse to talk to some drunken girls because obviously there's not money exchange place open at 3 am. So apparently they went off and sat on a bench and were watching us the entire time, so Morgan waves them over to come drink with us. Their names; Theo & Jeff. We talk to them and we all walk back to the hotel. Theo latches on to my sister. Jeff latches onto me. I found it strange, they must fancy asians? haha. Minus my impaired thinking I thought it was a mutual decision for the boys to sleep over, by the time we got back it was 6 am and they had to work at 8 or 9, so I thought it was logical for them to stay the [night] 'cause they had to work in a few hours and apparently their work was close to the hotel. Somehow everyone bailed on me and I was left in the room with two french boys.

So here's to opportunity. Some temporary comfort. [love.] Getting tangled up in sheets with two boys. I know right? How the fuck did I get myself into such a thing. I have never really been the scandalous type until this year. Nor, would I ever see myself having a threesome with two french boys that I basically just met off the streets of Paris. Insane. Outrageous. Shameful. Disgusting. I know a lot of people would look down on my actions lately, call me a "whore" say words that describe the kind of girls surrounded by incertitude, low self-esteem they say, the ones that they call "easy" and maybe it seems like that. But I won't just do it with anyone. There has to be some sort of attraction. Even the tiniest spark between me and boy for me to go all the way with them. And you know what? I'm okay with these one night stands. As long as at the end of the day I still have self-respect and I'm okay with what I've just done, I don't see a reason for regret or feeling degraded. All in all. This is my choice. my body. I have control over what I want. What I do. And perhaps the world can call me crazy but this is something I do. And I'm okay with it.

Skin against skin. Lips to lips. Following me down from my backside downdowndown. The act of the most intimate thing possible between two individuals. Bare. Completely displayed, all flaws. Strangers undone. I don't know how I could possibly be okay with it. I am still shocked at myself on how this even occurred. But I don't regret it one bit. It was exciting. Adventurous. Something different. Not to mention hardwork. Haha. Definitely need to have skills of multitasking in this department. I think sex is a big thing in french culture the whole idea of "making love" is quite prominent. I'm thinking one night stands are of routine there. Thank god, they're actually experienced and safe about it. Most boys will just go for it and won't use protection and be assholes about it. Even though I sobered up halfway it didn't feel awkward at all. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow, go with whatever the night takes you. I just went with everything. They guided me anyways and I just followed through. It was crazy. It was weird how even though I liked Jeff I mostly had sex with Theo. Mainly, unfotunately for Jeff he couldn't get hard. I guess it's difficult when your bestfriend's in the room and it's kind of a nervous tick of the motion? Ohwell, they were both so patient and so freaking polite. Jeff was frustrated & when Theo went to the washroom I just told him it was okay. It's weird how you allow yourself to feel in the randomnest situations and you just forget the peripherals. It's temporary love. Maybe it's just me, but just sitting there with Jeff, skin to skin contact, and just hugging him felt alright. Felt okay. Felt safe. So they left around 8 - 9 and told me they'd come back later. I thought they were joking until they came back around 12. I knew they wanted to hang out with me and I really wanted to hang out with them but I had to go shopping with my parents. They kept figuring out solutions to try and get me to agree with them to hang out with them but I knew if they did, my parents would be questioning me. I was being a bit serious and Jeff just looks at me and smiles. Strange how someone can just look at you a certain way and you just let go of everything. Unfortunately, I didn't end up hanging out with them so the goodbyes started early. I actually was really sad about it but Jeff and I exchanged numbers and said he was going to add me on facebook. That was probably one of the most interesting nights I've ever lived.

Leaving was the hardest. I know, I'm insane. Call me crazy, I know. I know. I know. But I haven't fancied someone this much in so long. Shameless flirting by way of internet. Maybe I'm too attached. Maybe I need to forget and move on. But I'm stuck here. And the hardest part, sometimes you have no control over the way you feel. Sometimes you just need to let it be. And as much as we live in two completely different world. And the Atlantic Ocean seperates us. I'll find my way back. Dream big. And maybe dreaming and hoping is all I have right now. This is all I can hold onto besides a single memory. I think I've fallen too hard. Emotially attached. But Paris, Je T'aime.