The Way She Feels.

So last night was absolutely AMAZING beyond comprehension. I went to see Between The Trees & Anberlin with Nat and words cannot fully express how blown away I am. I am still in the midst of trying to stomach everything. 

I was a bit scared because yesterday was the first time trying out my ID but it managed to work so I was highly content! Between The Trees started out first, which I thought they should've performed second or headlined. They played a short set of 7 songs; The Way She Feels, Story Of A Boy, White Lines & Red Lights, Fairweather, Words & two new songs. They started out with their most known single "The Way She Feels" which is about Renee, the girl who inspired TWLOHA. I remember so vividly that during that song there was a moment (this is going to sound cheesy) where Ryan Kirkland, the lead singer, just stared at me for a couple of minutes. I think it was because I was the only one who knew who they were and knew all the words to all their songs. I don't know but in that brief moment I felt as if there was some sort of connection, as if we automatically knew both of us had a story and perhaps he wanted to know mine. Also, that song is really hard for me to listen to because it reminds me of everything I have endured...and just memories I'd like to bury and forget. Don't get me wrong, it's a truly an amazing and it's extremely honest and heavy but I know it's beautiful at the same time. And I tried really hard not to but I kinda cried during that song. But in that moment, somehow I just felt so alive. Today, was the first time I listen to "The Way She Feels" without crying which for some reason feels like finding redemption, some hope. By the way, BTT are fucking phenomenal live. One of those bands that are better off the album, which I find to be rare at times. They're promising and I'm so sure when they release their second album which I bet will be out later this year or next year they're going to be huge! 

After their set, Madina Lake was up but I really didn't fancy their sound so Nat and I just hung around the merch tables. I was kinda disappointed their wasn't any BTT tees but ohwell, I got a TWLOHA sticker. All of a sudden, I see BTT and I just grab Nat and panic and tell her I need to meet them. I wouldn't do it for 15 minutes because I was so scared/panicking. Finally I went up to Ryan Kirkland and told him that they were amazing and I wished they had a longer set. He thanked me. I also told him that BTT was the reason I found out about TWLOHA and have been supporting them for 3 years. He awed and gave me a hug. It was cute. I also told him how their music is really inspiring and that I think their involvement with TWLOHA and how he knew Renee before any of this is truly incredible. I also teased him on why there weren't any tees. They apparently got all sold out but they had other shirts that were medium sized, I got one anyways it was $5. 

I don't know. Just meeting Ryan Kirkland made my life. Even though I only talked to him briefly it still meant something and I'm glad I thanked him because it's the honest truth, and I am so grateful that I found out about them because they're just freaking fantastic. Finally, Anberlin came on and holycrap. My ears are still ringing, mainly because I was right beside the speakers. I think something was wrong with the mic because you couldn't really hear Stephen Christian's voice but they were still really awesome. They played a bunch of my favourites; The Unwinding Cable Car, Breaking, Disappear, Godspeed, Inevitable, Feel Good Drag, The Resistance, Fin etc. I was really hoping they'd play Soft Skeletons but ohwell maybe next time. And I am happy because I saw Nate Young. Haha. 

So everything was fucking AMAZINGAMAZINGAMAZING and I am so grateful for yesterday. Just the way music makes you feel alive. And for meeting one of my heroes. 

"When words fail, music speaks."

I knew something was wrong. I've known something was wrong for a long period of time now but I've just dismissed the situation completely until today. 

She told me yesterday she needed to tell me something. But she left me with an empty dialogue. So I posed the question this morning and she bluntly, yet shockingly told me how she tried to kill herself over the weekend. I asked how and what? She told me she tried to overdose on heroin and that she had to go to the hospital. I asked her if her parents knew, she told me no. At that moment I knew it was a lie. I have been in that situation before. I have known dark times. I have known detriment. I have known pain. I have known the feeling of being engulfed by your own demons you result to wanting to end everything because it is your only escape.

I knew this was a lie because if you were to go to the hospital especially for attempting suicide they would need parental consent also because she’s under 18/19.  Also, if she was addicted to heroin she'd be incredibly messed up, she wouldn't even be going to school. 

I talked to Danielle, my yoga therapist about it today. I told her how I think she’s been lying about her so-called drug addiction and her suicide attempt as a way to get attention. And it’s a cry for a help when you have to go to these extreme measures, you have to LIE about trying to KILL YOURSELF. 

I’m going to talk to her on Wednesday and tell her how this isn’t mine to burden. This isn’t fair. I’m going to tell her how I’m concerned and that somehow say in a way that makes sense that she’s lying but that this is her desperation for attention and that I believe she needs professional help. It is one thing to talk about things, to friends, to people. But this something beyond my control and she needs someone who knows and is a qualified person in this expertise. I know she doesn’t want help because she’s afraid. I used to be like that too, and in moments I still am. But being honest, displaying your flaws, your damage, your scars. It’s okay. In fact it’s essential. It’s scary, I know. It’s difficult. It’s one of the most terrifying things anyone will ever do and experience in their life but it’s worth it. 

And I would rather her be alive and safe and hate me for the rest of my life and let this friendship fade than find out she killed herself and regret that I never said anything about it/feeling guilty that this was my fault because I knew. 


"Be honest. We all have our dreams and our fears and our questions. The tendency is to keep these things quiet because we don't know what to do with them, or because we're worried that other people will call us crazy. I say it matters. I say you might just find your greatest gifts in those scary places. I say it's worth wrestling with because the world needs more people who have something to say, people who are interested in fixing things, people who are willing to dream... So be honest. It's scary, but it's good."

- Jamie Tworkowski.

fucking mood swings.

i want to move to new york city.

i want to live in a shitty apartment.

i want to be smoking marlboros with a cup

of coffee in hand sitting on the ledge of a window,

in my shitty apartment.

seriously. i would love that right now.

and i am thinking of getting a tattoo when i'm 18

where my ribcage is. 

i still need to get my "believe" tattoo on my left wrist. fuck.

maybe i'll go get it next weekend. ha.

dream big.

So J and his band really fancy their new layout. I am actually so effing proud of it. Considering it took me eons to find a code for their banner. Jesus. 

I am really obsessed with The Summer Set's cover of "Love In This Club" LINK. Check it out. I just bought the tune yesterday and I am already addicted. I really love pop-punk covers of mainstream songs. Like All Time Low's cover of Umbrella. Lawlz. 

So studying hasn't been in progress.....procrastination is a disease. I swear. 

I saw Nat yesterday with her brother it was funny and nice. I needed to get out considering I've been cooped up in my house for the past 2 days attempting to "study." J was laughing at me because he thought it was funny how I'm doing all their photos/myspace for fun. Honestly, I really enjoy it. It's helped me improve my photoshop + HTML skillzzzzz!!!! Plus, it's rewarding once you've achieved something like that. I hope I get to do another photoshoot with his band again. 'Cause I have so many ideas emanating out of my brain right now. Even though I only saw Nat for like an hour some good things stirred up:

- "I really enjoy/I always enjoy your company" - J

- "I don't want to work at Subway! I mean all the kids in my grade come here and all the hot girls! I don't want to be like would you like a foot long or a 6 inch?"  HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

- Debating who was bigger: The Spice Girls or The Red Hot Chili Peppers

- Everyone's fb status being: "WEEEEZYYY BABBYYYY!" STFU. 

- Nat & Jack telling me they don't consider me "asian" how I'm very white washed haha.

- LOVE IN THIS CLUBBIN'

- just way too many laughs for 60 mins

I THINK. I THINK. According to my gut/heart that J fancies me. I don't know, I just get that vibe. It's funny. I mean like I said before, there will always be this "thing" between us but I wouldn't go out with him right now, he's a little bit too immature and my perspective on life is too extreme for him to comprehend for his age. Maybe in the future. ha.

"i love lahbra." LMFAO. My nickname has caught on. I am actually so good right now. I haven't had so many consecutive days of happiness in a really long time. And I am so fucking excited for Between The Trees/Anberlin I can't breathe. Plus, ALL TIME LOW IN APRIL. I think I'm going with the Art Krew:

Nat, Kelly, Nichola and me. And perhaps Nat's brother and his friends, Adam and Allan. Oh yeah, and my sister and Joey and Chloe. And I'm meeting my myspace friend Audrey! hahaha. I have so much to look forward too it's epic.

My posts are getting happier. That's a good thing. I need to write something else but I'm lazy and need to study - update later.

x

short post.

Quick post. 

Things have been good. You slip, you fall, you cry, you hurt but you get back up, move on and live.

Had a couple slips. I can't even remember why I was mad. Honestly. But I'm okay. I'm so ready for summer. Holycrap. This winter weather is killing me. 

Today was actually SUNNY. I haven't seen the sun in like 2 months. Seriously. It was really pretty outside but HELLA EFFING COLD! The weather can be quite deceiving.

I'm just proud and wearing my confidence completely. I think I've stirred a "revolution" within me. At least that's what Nichola calls it. It feels great. New eyes. And that's all I have to live for right now. Just being. Living. Breathing.

Check out:

RAVE

Glare of Rockets <----SO GOOOD. Been on repeat all day.

Greg Holden <---- BRITISH LOVE!!!

RAVE = J's band check it.

oh yeah. I think Jac Vanek is my new favourite icon...maybe even moreso than A-Kitch. SCARY!

x

ROFL. Band Shoot. Content FOR ONCE!

Oh man. Those pics are fucking hilarious. I re-found them today and wow. Just WOW. I can't even breathe. My stomach feels like it's gonna explode from laughter. That night was hilarious we were all really high taking ridiculous pics on photobooth and eating Parle Gs. Oh them, Parle Gs! Make life so much better, I swear. ROFL. ROFL. ROFL. (From left to right - Lucie, 'Manda, Me)

I'm listening to "Cross My Heart" by Mariana's Trench my favourite guilty pleasure song at the moment. It's damn catchy, okay. I really haven't updated this in a while. So let's see:

- got my FAKE ID, bitches!

- going to Between The FUCKING Trees/Anberlin/Madina Lake January 28th!!!!! SO EFFING STOKED

- found out ALL TIME FUCKING LOW/Hey Monday/Cobra/Metro Station & FOB are coming April 11 = MAJOR DANCE FEST !!!

- got over Mike a while ago

- seriously Asexual right now

- did a photoshoot for J and his band on Friday = epic

- been talking lots to Nat

- going to Ireland for spring break

- Summer '09 = epic ---> KENYA, PARIS, TOKYO, INDONESIA - missing Warped Tour but WHATEVZ. 

bad news:

Nichola and I are getting at each other's throats. I talked to Nat about it. She says it's normal that we're getting annoyed at each other, I mean we see each other every freaking day and we pretty much spend every dying second together. I don't know I'm just starting to get miffed at her because she's extremely insecure and she always displays them in front of me and as much as I tell her she's so effing gorgeous (which she is) and that she's fucking amazing she can't seem to notice that for herself. And she always freaks out about the lamest things and then she ends up having anxiety attacks + she's constantly borrowing my clothes (I don't mind once and a while but she's been doing it a lot lately) and okay, this is kinda lame but she got the same AA turquoise hoodie as me. I mean I told her she should get one but I didn't think she'd end up getting the same one. I know it's extremely idiotic of me and lame but it's just one of those things that bother me. I don't AA hoodies are really popular, don't get me wrong I am completely aware but  when it's one of your friends and they kinda always copy you it's kinda irritating, y'know? 

Oh yeah, so Friday I was going to chill with Frankie and Nichola and then all of a sudden Jack rings me. He was like "hey our original photographer broke his wrist and I just wondering if you were free? " I told him I'd do it. It was actually freaking hilarious. I have to say propz for taking initiative FOR ONCE. Well it was FUCKING HELLA COLD. Considering we live in Canada and it's January and it's literally the coldest month ever it was like -4832048230943092432. I knew J, Allan & Nate and I met their guitarist Adam. It was pretty coo'. I took shots of them near the traintracks/on them for the first couple of pics. It was freaking hilarious because they were surprisingly HELLA comfortable around me and they were super chill. I let them choose what to do but I also suggested some ideas if they were stuck. It was funny at first because you could tell they got a bit uncomfortable at the beginning - considering it was their first "band photoshoot" and it was the first time I ever did a "band photoshoot." There's this hilar pic of them where all of them except J have their pants down I was laughing so hard because they were SO CHILL about it. They were completely themselves and were making rude/inappropriate jokes e.g "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" and they would yell out obscenities it was quite funny. We also did shots at the skate park and polaroids shots + individuals. It was fun stuff. I thought it was definitely the most interesting shoot/funniest I had ever done because here I was hanging out wit Nat's brother & his friends. It wasn't awkward AT ALL, either! I mean I have this feeling that J has a thing for me or just thinks really highly of me as a person. He talked to me a lot and explained how each band member contributes different things to the band which creates the dynamic amongst them. 

Jack = leader, takes control of everything but is very open-minded to everyone's decisions/ideas etc.

Allan = the funny guy always making everyone laugh

Adam = the "genius" one of the bunch, very organized, most logical

Nate = really awesome guitarist but extremely stubborn and negative/narrow-minded

I have to say Allan is one of the FUNNIEST people I have ever met in my entire life. I could sense the tension between Jack & Nate/Nate & the band. He was really stubborn about a lot of the ideas the rest of the band had/I had and he never wanted to do any of the ideas. It was quite irritating. J informed me how he quit the band for a week because of stupid argument. Lame. Stubborn child.

Well it was definitely a fun day for sure. I kinda got to know J and his friends better. I'm doing their myspace and banners etc. It's quite exciting. They also really enjoyed the photos so that's good. It's just nice to experiment and have fun yet you learn from the mistakes. Now I know for future band photoshoots I'll know how to position everyone better it's just difficult to get the product you want because everyone has to co-operate. 

p.s I've been feeling really content lately so that's awesome. I mean despite everything I'm doing well, I just need to work on getting focused and just do well. Freaking a. I have 2 major tests soon GOTTA FOCUS. But I am so freaking ADD these days. Oh, lordy. What am I gonna do with myself. 

p.p.s Nat says my confidence has grown A LOT within the past year. I feel proud of myself. =)  + proud of my band shots seriously I was really scared they wouldn't fancy them. 

x

Truth and realizations found within a noose.

I have neglected writing this for a while now. It has been one of the hardest yet easiest weeks in the past 4-5 years of high school. Sunday night the news was delivered to us that my Uncle Ken committed suicide earlier that day. My cousin, Meghan, had informed my sister and I. My parents weren't home at the time. My sister and I were in absolute shock. Everything was happening way too fast. It was really sudden, this tragic event. I was overcome by waves of emotions I thought I had buried a long time ago. But no, they resurfaced again. In the past 5 or 6 years I have had to gone to 4 funerals. They were all loved ones, 2 of which have permanently left a mark on me/impacted me all too much.

It has been almost 2 weeks since the incident and I am better. Much more than before. The first week was extremely unbearable. My eyes hurt too much from crying. My heart filled with fury and frustration. But this is grief. I suppose there is truth to be found in all of this. Despite the tragedy, I realized I, myself, could NEVER actually commit suicide. I have attempted twice and it scares to this day how what if? what if I had succeeded? 

Suicide is a selfish act. It ends your pain, your suffering but it only hurts everyone around you. There is no win-win. You lose. Sure, you're done. It's over. You can't feel anything anymore. Your heart stopped beating. You are immobile. emotionless. lifeless. dead. But I suppose your hurting isn't done yet. Because look at the mess you've left after you're gone? That's exactly what my uncle did. 

Throughout the years my sister, my cousins and I saw him as the joyful man he was. Although, we were never aware of his cruel acts at home. We were never told of his malevolent lies and his selfishness. He hurt his family - his wife, his daughter, his so. He broke our family - my parents, my sister, my cousins, my aunt, my uncle, my grandfather, my grandmother, me. I remember I cried so hard for my Aunt and my cousins. I felt their pain miles away. Oh, the images must be incredibly haunting especially to my aunt who found him in the basement hanging lifelessly. She even had to cut the rope. I could never be as brave as her but I salute her for her courage and how strong she has been.

I remember that night my mother told my sister and I everything. How throughout the years he constantly cheated people for money, excessively gambling, running away from his own demons. And somehow within all this I see myself. It scary but true. For a couple year I ran. I ran as far as possible. As fast as I could. But I knew my personal quagmires would eventually catch up to me and they did. But I got out alive. I stopped running. I learned to open the door with all the strength I had in me and face my demons. Even with shaking hands and the most fragile heart. But today I stand here with battle wounds but I am alive. I survived. I fought. And I am continuing to fight.

Although, the thing that tore my insides literally to pieces was the sound of my grandpa's voice. I remember that night. I told him I was so sorry. I told him I loved him. I have never heard such sadness in anyone's voice like that in my entire existence. My grandfather has always been a strong individual. Always putting his family before himself. Never indulging in temptation. He is a righteous man. He is a loving person. And to see him hurting killed me inside. Because all you can do in times of hopelessness, all you can do is just BE there for them. It's difficult to understand how you can't fix people immediately, how repairs don't always work. It takes time. Healing. And I am aware the hole in my grandfather's heart, my heart, our hearts will be here forever but in time the hole will eventually reconstruct itself with new layers and with minutes, days, months, years the heart will finally recover.

As much as the pain still lingers and this extremely agonizing, tragic event has forever left a permanent mark on me, I still walk on. This was my wake-up call and I know this sounds absurd but there are pros and cons to this situation. At least now he's not harming his family anymore and they, we can all learn from this. As much as this causes us to ache in places we never thought existed maybe now they can grow and rebuild the love and strength he destroyed. 

Now I find it so strange. It's as if TWLOHA means so much more to me than ever. It really struck me hard. I mean I hear about people committing suicide, you hear it in the papers, on the news, people that aren't you, in history books but once it's happened to you it's completely different because now you understand yet you don't at the same time. It's an intricate thing. When you know someone who has done such an act somehow community falls into play. And I mean that in good terms. We - as a family stand together. We have to be strong through this. Help each other through this. And it's exactly what Jamie Tworkowski always says "People need other people." And I believe in that completely. And there is truth and honesty in that. Also, for me at least, I realize the pain I could've potentially caused if my dangerous act had succeeded. I see with open eyes how much hurt it causes. How it doesn't help anything at all. It is a selfish act. 

This is definitely a shock. My mind and heart still unable to stomach any of this. Also, part of me feels guilt and regret because my uncle couldn't see he was LOVED. He had an amazing support system. His family still loved him even with his dirty deeds. We still did - even though I was unaware of his cruel intentions. And it pains me to know he could not see this. And we could've helped him all the same. If only I had known his demons. Because he felt alone. Because he ran away from his atmosphere of quandaries. All the lies built up. He didn't take responsibility for his actions. He didn't want to face his fears. He didn't want to clean up his own mess. So he did this. 

And I will feel such distress for sometime. My heart is injured. But there is healing. There is love. There is hope - my family and I will eventually be okay, even with the dark cloud above our heads. We will survive this. Community is everything. Love is power. 

And I am learning & growing. Cheers to that - despite the damage.

Hello 2009. Goodbye 2008.

"It is tempting to write these things as if I always have it all together, as if I am a person without need, a person who cares about pain but is not affected by it. The truth is that I am a person in need, a broken person, a person who fails, often. I have a lot to learn. I have a long way to go."

- Jamie Tworkowski.

I think this is quite true about me. Well at least I believe it applies to me. A lot of people view me as someone who appears to have "everything together," the girl with the smile, the style, the artistic ability, the good friends, good family/parents, generous, humorous, outgoing, outlandish, unique, etc. etc. But that's not just me. I am a broken person. Like everyone, I'm sure. We all have scars, our stories. I am not perfect. I fall, I make mistakes, I have my breakdowns, my setbacks and quite often I do fail. But I think with all the pain and suffering, the parts of me that are broken, this thing called life is a learning process. A healing process. And like Jamie Tworkowski said, I have a lot to learn, I have a long way to go. And I whole heartedly believe that. 

2008 has been a huge learning process. I have grown in so many ways it's astonishing to say that last January I was a completely different person. It's scary to say that I've grown and changed in only 365 days. But I have to say it has definitely been one of the greatest years I have lived in my entire existence, so far. 

Recap: (Good Times) Art Krew 08, INDIA & meeting amazing people and definitely an experience that has permanently changed me forever, Tokyo with the fam, opening up to Nichola & becoming pretty much best friends, being honest with people more - Nat, Steph etc., making new friends; India people, Cooper ish, etc., being 6 months clean even though I slipped but I still consider that quite the accomplishment, all the gigs - the ones that made an impression on me; Thrice, Chiodos, Air Traffic, We The Kings/The Academy Is..., Halloween, going out of my comfort zone, gaining confidence - growing into my own skin, Option 2, 3, 4 & 5, Cigarette/Starbucks outings with Nichola, Christina's party, learning to love myself, the times where I felt inspired where the safety of TWLOHA and music helped me through, reading Purpose For The Pain & feeling like Renee's words completely mirrored me, good sessions with my yoga therapists, creating my own support system; Nichola being the #1 person who has constantly there for me, CONTROL, wanting to be alive.

And then there were the countless shit times; going back to razorblades, low self-esteem, zero confidence, feeling completely ugly, weight issues, eating & sleeping habits, indulging in vices and new transgressions; weed & razorblades, wanting to die, having no hope, feeling like I had no support system, hopelessness, skipping school, addiction, mornings where I couldn't physically wake up, feeling emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted, burdening other people's problems.

So there was a lot more ups than downs this year which is a pretty huge achievement. I am grateful for everything that has happened to me even the shit times because they have helped me grow and learn in various ways I cannot fully express in words. And right now, I am feeling more alive than ever somewhere in my heart it feels as if this year will be amazing and I am excited, nervous and scared all at once but every bit of this is enticing. 

Oh yeah and my New Years RESOLUTION(S): 

- To be more outspoken, to voice what I feel basically saying to be more honest with myself and others. And really act upon it because I know it's so much more easier said that done. 

- To really motivate myself, drive myself and eliminate procrastination because I am the epitome of indolence.

- To love myself every day, embrace every flaw and learn to be confident and go out of my comfort zone but still be myself.

- To take more pictures and paint more and just create more art

- To finish all the books I intend on reading

- To not be scared anymore and accept that sometimes I'll slip but it isn't the end, that I can still get back up and succeed

- TO JUST BE.

So hello 2009, let's see how everything unfolds. 

p.s This is something I say a lot: "I believe that everyone has scars, a story whether we decide to talk about it or not." 

So this is me, a broken person just like every other individual that walks the earth but here I am with my scars on display, feeling more alive than ever.