you make me feel pretty.

and i think i like you,

more than i should.

fuck. i am so insane over this.

why? why? why?

boys are strange.

but you two, need to stop

being so damn cute.

seriously.

i'm over my head in this.

x

everything hurts.

and i don't understand why.

someone just hold me.

ican'tbreathe.

I woke up at 5 am, as an attempt to start my history project.
I feel the same as I did about 10 hours ago.
My mind isn't in this at all.

The thing about me when I don't complete an assignment
or where I don't finish something I know I should do,
I am fully aware of the consequences and 90 % of the time,
I accept my failure and possible negative outcomes of the situation.
I don't know if that's maturity or conceitedness speaking out.

It's not that I don't care about school or whatever needs to be done,
it's just that sometimes I fall behind and my mind's just not functioning
the way I want it to. I don't know if it's because of my anxiety or depression,
there is a high possibility it could be taking control. But I don't know.
It's not that I'm lazy or procrastinating.
It's just this feeling in my heart and mind.
I can't explain it.

It's not that I doubt myself about the situation and being a pessimist,
it's just that sometimes I really can't do it at the moment.
Eventually, I will get down to completing my task but sometimes
I just need to feel alright, to know I am capable of doing it, just a little bit more time.

So right now I can feel it everywhere.
Maybe it's the anxiety talking.
But right now I can't finish this.
And I am aware of the consequences.
I am not being indolent,
I just need to be alright.

swim.

my head is feeling heavy
from the amount of thoughts
swimming through it.

i feel like laying on my bed,
blasting the same song
that's been on repeat through
my headphones for the past week,
really loud and just contemplate.
sleep away the pain.
the stress.
the anxiety.
the depression.
the exhaustion.
everything.

it's not because of the lack of sleep,
or because i'm procrastinating, or
because i know i need to complete my homework.

just being here right now,
having to live in such a twisted atmosphere
is making my head spin.

i mean, it's not even that bad...
why should i even complain?

i don't know.
maybe it's the weather today.
the depressing view of rain droplets
tumbling down from the clouds into their demise.

i am feeling so emotionally, mentally and physically
drained of energy.

i don't understand why, right now i need 

to feel the razorblade again.
almost 4 months clean.
i've gotten this far so why let this all fall?

i suppose it's because i'm so used to the
dangerous routine. whenever i became
frustrated, or whenever something minor
[but to me major] happened i'd use it as relief.
as safety.

i am so used to the addiction.
as much as i have let go of my dangerous vice,
i want it all back. i want to feel relief.
i need relief. i want to feel alive.

but that's the thing.
it'd be so much more easier.
that's the shortcut to my problems.
that's the dark hole i build for myself,
the place where i bury my secrets,
my demons unleashed.

i'm fighting my internal wars again.
see, the more difficult but healthier choice
would to start my homework, breathe, do
what i really should be doing, find a healthier outlet.

but all i want to do is runaway.
and it's the constant whispers i hear every day,
telling me to do it. go back down that treacherous path.

and i know every day is a battle.
and i have to fight for the things i call important.
and remember that rescue is possible. hope is real.
and that i am not alone in this.
and i will make it through.

and tonight, i'm just going to have to cry the pain away
but thank andrew mcmahon for saving me:



<sub>You gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth

The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open yeah
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Swim

You gotta swim
For nights that won’t end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah, you gotta swim
For wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed is a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open yeah
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
But I'm not giving in
Swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's an ocean to drift in
Feel the tide shifting away from the spark
Yeah you gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just follow the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love

Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim</sub>



Swim, that's all I can do.
But I know deep down, I'm alive.

ginger ginger.




distance. you're too far.
separated by bodies of water.
break down the walls of the pacific ocean.


all time low and jesus head bands.
dancecore tunes and randomness.
you make me feel alright.
did you know?
did you know?
you make me feel alright.

i hate this strange, unknown feeling of uncertainty.
i feel it every day. i don't know why.
it's weird being back home, still.
and it's incredibly frustrating how i still
haven't adjusted. it's been almost 3 weeks.
i want to go back to India.
and see those kids with such beautiful faces.
i want to be immersed in that culture,
so full of contrast, a beautiful chaos.
i want to be with those amazing 22 friends i made.
i want to be back in the atmosphere of tranquility.
i want to know i have a purpose in this life.
i want to believe in myself.
i want to change the world and better myself.
i want to go back to the place i know best.

i feel so detached from North American society.
i feel so disgusted with almost everyone i see.
this teenage society, they're all so materialistic, so
self-absorbed, so ignorant and pretentious.
i miss being surrounded by people who were
open-minded, willing to change the world and be free.
i miss this all too much.

and i don't know how to stop this feeling.
i just miss everything and everyone from/about India.

just want to go back to the place where i belonged.

oh yeah.

i have a ridiculous infatuation with joe jonas.

it's getting pretty bad.

i feel so disgusted with myself.
i don't know why i fancy both of you.
ugh.

i feel so ashamed and embarrassed.
you're both just too young.


fjskldjfksldjfsdkfjsd.
stop having such a goddamn
amazing personality.

fucking hormones.