i'm always running in circles. i'm getting so sick of this routine. my insides feel all twisted and this weary feeling makes me want to sleep for days.
why is it we always try and hurt the outside to kill what's inside?
you get mad for stupid things. you always have to be right. it's always my fault. you say i exhaust you. you tell me to fuck off. you tell me i twist things. you're self-righteous. you disrespect me. you're rude.
but i am nothing close to perfection, as well.
i know i procrastinate too much. i never do what i'm told. i constantly need guidance in my life. i over-analyze. i think the worst about everything. i put up walls for no legitimate reason. i'm too hard on myself. i can't seem to love myself. i'm too critical. i'm pessimistic.
maybe i just have too many expectations, that this always has to be lovely and intense but perhaps things need to see calm waters. maybe i just worry too much. it's been so hard lately trying to see the light in everything. i've felt so distant lately from you. everything's been so busy that we haven't had time to settle down and have a proper dialogue.
i keep rereading our messages from summer. i miss it. i miss everything. i miss us...back then. i guess this is what always happens. life.
i'm exhausted of feeling overwhelmed, feeling so distressed, constantly apprehensive. i need to learn how to breathe. to center myself. i keep asking myself why, in some mysterious way everything always turns out okay. i'm not complaining. it's just strangely fascinating. in ways, i feel like i don't deserve all this happiness because i have engaged in hurtful activities.
i think i need to stop thinking so much. our mind is our own worst enemy. all the thoughts that keep me awake at night haunt me in my sleep.
i've been practicing a dangerous abundance of negative energy lately. and i realize i'm attracting all this pessimism, and strangely sean has been picking up on it and it's indirectly // unconsciously affecting him.
so here's to today. forgiving. and fighting for something that is of great significance. no more feeling sorry for myself. beginnings with abolishing the incertitude, the fear, the anxiety.
as my mum says, "SHUTUP. SITDOWN. AND LOVE YOURSELF."
have faith in this, in everything. stop living in the past. think of the summer months ahead. listen to good music, that awakens the soul. look for inspiration in the things i love. take more pictures. hang out with more friends. make new friends. talk to old friends. don't ever lose sight of hope. don't let go, hold on tight.
sometimes all the anxiety and terror blinds my vision of what i should really be grateful for. these moments feeling so stuck, they are horrible and you'd like nothing more for that feeling to subside but all in all they somehow spark a light to see things in clarity.
so here we go, like we always will, onward to....
The Great Perhaps.
