there is so much to say but i can't find the right words but what are the right words anyway? i can't write. i can't paint. i don't know how to express this immense feeling. its not a dangerous feeling. this is amazing. so so amazing. i am grateful. but i can't put you into words. you've got me tongue tied. i don't know what's going on. but when i figure my head out i will write this out. this is ludicrous but i don't care. i believe in this so much.

fuck. someone invent teleportation.

p.s thank you new followers i really don't expect people to read my stuff, i suppose its a little bit discomforting in a way how people find my blog but all in all thanks for taking interests in the words that expel from my mouth and onto this page. hearts.

x

why do i expect everyone to break my heart? this is absurd. i know. i don't know how to rid this feeling out of my body.

timelapse.

i saw you today. it's been 2 months since i last saw your face. its funny how you forget people and randomly they make a small reappearance in your life, unknowingly and all the feelings you thought you had buried and destroyed long ago resurface with such force.

i miss you, okay. i miss you a lot. and there's nothing i can do. i can't go back to the way things were before. i can't talk to you because you don't want anything to do with me. even though what we had was short it still meant something to me. it still affects me. i think its that part of me that gets drawn to tragedy. infectious. inevitable. i know everyone is broken but there are just some characters that have known hell like the back of their hand. i know you hurt in places, i know your heart's heavy. maybe i just believe in you too much. in everybody. the ludicrous amount of love and belief i have in everyone and everything is so incredibly overwhelming sometimes i just collapse. i have accepted that i have no control over your actions or feelings but in ways i can't help but feel like i could've helped. but maybe fear got in the way. uncertainty is the line drawn between us. so i guess i'll never know. all i have are maybes and broken memories of what's left of this scenery.

you didn't see me and i wonder what could've changed if you did. would you smile? would you say hello? would you look away? would you ignore me? you know i don't believe in hate and i can't hate you but what i'll never know is the sudden distance. declination of communication. i'll never know why or how. but even though i miss you, i'm okay. because everything happens for a reason. and sometimes things change, and you'll never know and it hurts and you'll cry but i've learn to pick myself up again.

and this is strange moment, right now. a beautifully, painful happiness. perhaps you don't always have to be completely stitched together to feel absolutely centered and even with the few bruises and scrapes, its okay. today. today is okay.

some people.

There's maybe less than 5 people I can tolerate at the moment. A lot of my friends have been pissing me off. Either they're being stupidly insecure or they're being really judgmental and condescending. Saturday night for the most part was fun but I got to see sides of people that really make me not want to associate myself with them that much anymore. A bunch of us went to see my friend Meesa's band play. I went with my friend Julian and we were all sitting together. I invited my friend MJ to sit with us 'cause he was having drama with the people he was sitting with. MJ left for a bit to talk to some friends and Meesa's like is that MJ? He's cute why don't you go out with him? Personally, I don't think he's attractive at all. So I said, well he's 24 and he's not my type at all. And Julian's like why would you go for him? he's so plain looking. And I was like, I never said I was. And then he responds by saying I don't think you should be in a relationship right now, we're too young to be in a relationship. And I'm just thinking to myself WHAT THE FUCK. So I just reply by saying I don't want to be in one and besides, I'm just having fun and doing whatever. And he's like well you were really hung up on that one guy aka Adam and I was like yeah well you don't know what happened and me and him we're really good friends.

One of the things that absolutely piss me off more than anything is when people try and tell me how to feel // live my life. STFU. FUCK OFF PLEASE. If you don't like the way I live my life well then shut up and move on, I'm not here to impress or meet anyone's standards. I do things for myself. I don't try and be anything and I certainly won't fake my emotions or any part of me just to feel accepted or appear "cool." Pretense and I have never mixed and never will. Yes, there are things we all hide from people but that's a different matter. I won't change the way I feel just because someone says I should. If I feel sad, I feel sad I can't help it. We can't help what we feel sometimes. And as much as I know I can't control anyone, no one can control me. The only person we have control over is ourselves. I'm not telling anyone to live their life, or listen to this music, or dress this way or talk like that. No. And I know Julian just said that because he's jealous and he fancies me, which I think is a bit annoying and stupid. This may seem offensive but as much as he says he's straight he gives off and uber gay vibe and even my gay best friend Hamish thinks he's gay and he has the biggest gaydar out of everyone I know. He may be really metrosexual and I do feel bad for him but sorry buddy, with your judgmental attitude and condescending ways there is no way in hell I'd ever take the chance to go out with you. And plus, our personalities aren't compatible. He's not exactly someone I'd really want to get to know, he's one of those people that you're friends with and they're fun and all but you can only handle them in small amounts.

On another part, MJ may be 24 but he's sure as insecure as hell. He's nice but he's not someone I'd hang out with all the time. I know everyone has confidence issues, even I do. But there are just some people who lack a severe amount of backbone. Pretty much everyone I hang out with know themselves really well, I like surrounding myself with positive people. Individuals who are constantly enveloping themselves in incertitude I can only deal with to a certain extent, eventually I can't handle it because their negativity and fears take a toll on me. They eventually become dependent on you, at least that's what's happened to me in the past.

Basically, I really can't stand a lot of people right now // the majority of the general human race. I really miss my Kenya // India kids // people with amazing smiles and shit ton of confidence. People who are accepting and understanding. I'm just lacking a lot of that right now. Comprehension.

i constantly feel bipolar. like after fun nights i feel so alone and empty. even sometimes in the company of friends, i still don't feel whole. i'm still here. i'm still carrying on. but i still feel like a corpse. dead just walking amongst the living. but somehow my insides just don't seem to match up. i don't know how to fix this head of mine. this heart of mine. i don't know if its just fear or if its just the rain. i can't tell the difference. nothing makes sense anymore. it'd just be nice sometimes to have someone to understand all the morbid, dark shit that goes on in my head. or the fact that i love my scars and i don't really want them to go away, or how i am always interested by really unnatural and twisted things. i'm already convinced i will be alone until i die at 95. and to be honest, i've pretty much accepted that. i just don't believe there's anyone that could possibly handle me or comprehend these thoughts of mind, this stupid, bloody organ beating in my chest. i am a mess. day and night. i can compose myself but i'm just cleverly stitched together by pieces of random confidence and mismatched fabrics of the past. i don't know. i don't know what i want. just floating between the thin lines of minutes and breaths. nothing more.