je veux tout.

ça devient dur. tu me manques. tu me manques. beacoup. beacoup. Paris était merveilleuse. la plus belle ville que j'ai visité. la ville d'amour. et je suis tombé en amour. pas avec un garçon mais cette ville. cette place me comprendre. l'art c'est partout. les monuments, les rues, les peuple. c'était magique ça. cette place, je me sentais connectés, je me sentais vivant.


translation: this is hard. i miss you. i miss you. a lot. a lot. Paris was amazing. this city that i visited. the city of love. and i fell in love. not with a boy but this city. this place understands me. art is everywhere. the monuments, the streets, the people. this is magic. this place, i felt connected, i felt alive.

et je ne sais plus a quoi penser. Paris vous êtes tout. je veux aller là-bas plus que jamais. c'est tout que je veux.

reading the conversations i saved makes me smile. it reminds me of our short bliss. it was just one night. it was funny. it was adventurous. i don't care if you're seeing someone else now, if she's pretty, that you kiss her, that you fuck her. i don't care if other girls are involved. because sure, our moments were temporary. it was all fun while it lasted. funny, the one thing that holds this universe together is so abstract, so complex, untangible, unseen, a mystic force, so mind expanding: love. everyone has different ideas about it, society has its structures around it. what if i told you maybe i haven't experienced love in the longterm sort of way, what if it was just for the night? would you believe me? would anyone? maybe i'm delirious but i don't know, with you and me there was more than just attraction, it was more than just sensualness, there was something.

pourquoi je sentes que si j'ai resté plus longue, nous pourrions avons été ensemble? juste moi et toi. personne d'autre. nous et la ville. nous et la nuit. nous pourrons partager la lit. vous me donnez des bisous, mes épaules, mon estomac, mon visage, mes yeux, mes oreilles, mes lévres. je veux tout. mais c'est impossible. nous vivant dans deux mondes différentes. tu me manques. mais, a la fin même si c'était temporaires, cela a tout signifier pour moi. je n'oublie pas.

translation: why do i get the feeling that if i stayed a bit longer, we could've been together? just me and you. no one else. us and the city. us and the night. we could've shared the bed. you would give me kisses, my shoulders, my stomach, my face, my eyes, my ears, my lips. i want it all. but it's impossible. we live in two different worlds. i miss you. but in the end, even though it was temporary, it meant everything to me. i won't forget you.

maybe moments like those make a mark on us. leave a scar, but it doesn't have to hurt too much, it leaves a memory. reflecting everything that once was. or everything that is. you were kind. you were polite. you were cute. you were funny. i know, i don't know you very well but if i could leave this place right now and find my way back to you, i would do it in a heartbeat. this is silly, i know. but a girl can dream, can't she? i wouldn't mind being tangled up in sheets with you, i wouldn't mind the adrenaline, hands through my hair, intimacy, enchanting closeness, tangibility.

je te reverrai un jour. n'oublie pas mon coeur.

the sickness is myself; i am an oxymoron.

he said cruel words when all i asked was a perfectly civilized question.

Kendahl: hey

Bowen: Hello Hello Hows the Carr?

Kendahl: it's pretty awesome, i actually like school. :P how about you? stoked on graduating?

Bowen: Oh, you bet, But it will mean you will have to find new high school students to sleep with

Kendahl: you're such an asshole!

Bowen: haha, Although that might not be a hobby you plan on keeping for to many more years

Kendahl: don't be such a douche

Bowen: <3

Kendahl: okay, so what is this?

Bowen: Hahaha, It looks like some sort of heart, Like that on a playing card

Kendahl: no you loser!

Bowen: hm, I thought I won that Question by answering correctly

Kendahl: haha no,i meant like this thing between us?

Bowen: Well, If you are 19 it would be called statutory rape, but I get the feeling im not answer this correctly, Why dont you try answering you own question?

Bowen: Well, Ive got to take Bella for a stroll I will talk to you later

I'm sorry but everything he said was pretty much uncalled for. It was so unnecessary. Taking a stab at my confidence, saying prevarications, assumptions. Trying to insult me without evidence with no substantial backbone, whatsoever. What made me more furious was the fact that he has this image of me, that I'm this sort of person. A slut. A whore. Easy. Insecure. Needing. Wanting. Dumb. Idiotic. Someone he can play. Someone he can walk all over. When doesn't know ANYTHING about me. Just like how I know NOTHING about him.

" i feel like shit. okay honestly i'm NOT attached i just wanted to ask for some sort of establishment like okay are we fbs? is this over? honestly if it was over i wouldn't have cared you know? just the fact that he thinks i am this person and only sees this one side of me and makes all these fucking prevarications and assumptions. i mean, it's hard to believe someone who can possibly do one night stands on the sideline is actually someone with another side, someone who actually cares about society, who didn't waste their fucking summer just drinking and partying, someone who actually cares about causes, about music, about things that matter. and maybe it's so hard to believe that people like me even exists, that there are different elements to me and they all contradict each other, and apologies that i am such an oxymoron but this is me, i am not pretentiousness. this is why i don't judge people. everyone has a story. everyone has a different side to them, something that their outsides don't show. "

I sent that to my friend Abby. Its too bad he indulges in ignorance, hides behind a stature of incertitude. Go ahead, I'll let him say such awful words but they lack substance and they lack truth. Go ahead, say all those malevolent things that will give you an ego boost. Overdose of testosterone much? Sorry I'm not a generic photocopy like everybody else. I am beyond this and I don't deserve this. He is a disgrace to humanity. People like him will go nowhere. And its people like him that keep persisting the degradation of the real beautiful people.

I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain´t no drug that they could sell
Ah there ain´t no drugs to make me well

There ain´t no drugs
It´s not enough
There ain´t no drugs
The sickness is myself

I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!

The mind is a dangerous weapon.

And I have fallen complete susceptible to it.

I needed to protect my heart,
I didn't listen.

Instead I'm left with emptiness, the aftermath feelings. Disgust. Degraded. Lost. Confused. Broken.

And what happens when they all find out? my dirty little secret?
Will they all scream in shame? Will they all laugh? Will they all be in disgust? Shocked?

and boys like you are dangerous and I should've never trusted you. no. mistake. mistake.

i am the biggest fuck up ever.

the other half of me, the [real] me is looking at me in disgust. nodding their head. refusing to help me because in the end i deserve to feel like absolute shit because i didn't fucking listen. i wanted to experiment, i wanted to have fun, i got too caught up in the moment and i was impulsive. i led myself to believe that i was completely okay with one night stands. that "temporary comfort" was what i wanted, i just kept doing it again and again because it felt good. but i knew, i fucking knew it was self-destructive.

so why do i keep lying to myself? in the end everyone that knew, KNEW this would happen. and i didn't listen because i always have to fucking rebel. i always have to prove them wrong. and now what?

so here i am. i am broken. i am bruised. my heart hurts because i got too fucking attached. my emotional health is a fucking wreck. i may be capable of holding it up on the outside but my insides are rotting. this is me. and this is my fault. and this is my fucking mistake.

now, why don't you tell me one more time how much of a fuck up i really am. clearly they enjoy it.

can't i let my mouth do the listening?

i told myself to stop with the one night stands. for good.
& there i go again just breaking promises.

with you. it's a different story. why? is always a question. i know they say, guys are guys but why do i get the feeling you're at least a little bit interested. a little bit intrigued.

this isn't just using each other for sex. there's a connection there. a spark. something. i don't know what it is. i know i shouldn't allow myself to grow attached but sometimes you can't help how you feel, you really can't.

i've made a mess of me.

i can tell your intelligent, i feel like you put up an image around people, as if you're that guy who "gets all the girls" who really has it all but i know its all lies. and i know it's the strangest thing since we're quite opposite. you're all American Eagle Outfitters and well, i have "artist" written all over me. so how does this work? how do we form an establishment? should we even put a "label" on it? on us? because if nothing happens, i'll be okay with that. i'll be okay with letting go. and then i can say wide awake, my mistake, so predictable, you were fake, i was great, nothing personal.

but all i want to do is just talk, know your story. maybe even tell you mine. conversation. and then get sensual. just being held. spooning. that's it.

i don't know what i want, i don't know what i need. except to release this so-called "sexual frustration." maybe all i know is that part of me wants you, an entire weekend and maybe then i'll get my gratification. maybe then i'll be okay.

I never really ever know what to say
when all of my emotions get in the way
I'm just trying to get us on the same page
I always get a fight in it afterwards
when all of my precautions are said and heard
How come I can never get to the right words?
I need to convey
Wish I could explain

Can't I let the trees do the talking?
Can't I let the ground do the walking?
Can't I let the sky fill what's missing?
And can't I let my mouth do the listening?

something about you is so addictive.

Bowen: Hey, How've you been?
Bowen: Kendahl, I know we hooked up but it
doesn't mean we can't talk. I'm not a sextool.


Priceless.


Why did I know from the second he said that it was going to happen again? Intuition? Mutual understanding? Whatever it was. I don't mind. My prediction was right.

I hooked up with Bowen before I left for all my summer adventures. He was an interesting one night stand, one that I didn't get to explain in full detail. He was a gentleman. And I enjoyed every second of it. I hadn't spoken to him for the entire summer. Normally, you don't speak to your one night stand the next day or ever again. With...or at least with the frenchies too I spoke to them after all of this just happened. Bowen even bussed home with me the next day after. So random. So after this incident on facebook chat, I talked to him the next day and apologized that I wasn't there and had accidentally left my fb chat // computer on. I asked if how he was, he said he was going out and gave me his number and told me to text him. I followed his instructions. But no reply in return. I decided to invite him on fb to this gig I was going to the next day. He said he was attending so I texted him. Again, no reply. I went to the gig without any expectation. Of course, that's such a lie. Deep down I had high hopes. Mike's Hard & Vodka shots became my wingman for the night. I went into the venue and he was standing right in front of me. I decided to avoid him for 20 mins. Finally, I went up to him and said hi. We had a nice conversation. I invited him to accompany me to this party I was going to after. He agreed to and told me to find him after the gig. I don't know what it was, I don't know if it was some mutual brainwave but the second we saw each other and started talking, we both knew something was going to happen between us that night. I guess because I was drunk I was being really friendly with people and hugging a lot of guys. It was only because most of the people I knew there were guys and they were guys in the bands I did photoshoots for. Bowen and I ended up doing this strange thing where we were kind of making each other jealous unintentionally? I know he was flirting with other girls but I ignored that fact. When we left I somehow ended up being with a bunch of Gr. 11s ( they're actually graduating this year, but I still feel like I'm a senior even though I graduated. ) Strange thing, these kids went to my school but I never talked to them at all! He was flirting with this girl named Chelsea and I knew she had a bf. She looks like a downright bitch like actually. You know those kind of people that straight up look like one? Yeah. Well she is actually a perfectly decently nice human being. Like I said, never judge people. True fact.




Part me thinks he was flirting with her to get my attention and to make me jealous. Well it worked. Because damn right I was jealous. But she had to leave and we all ended up going to this girl Victoria's house. Before I forget, when we were at the gig like pretty much everyone knew I was drunk & I was basically carrying a mickey of vodka in my purse and was offering some to people. And he was like "Kendahl, are you trying to get me drunk?" I was like nooo....okay maybe. Haha. Anyways, as we were walking back he was like "Kendahl, why do you have to flirt with every guy?" I was like "What are you talking about?!" & he's like "I saw that guy on guitar, he winked at you!" (Okay, since I missed Locomotive's set, the band I work with I told them I was going to stay and at least watch Adam play guitar and Allan play drums for the girl who was headlining and I saw Adam on guitar and he waved to me and I waved to him and we're just friend and he winked at me....NBD) So I explained to him how I was friends with that guy and how I did photoshoots for his band. And then he blamed me for hitting on a Gr. 9 because when we were on the bus I saw one of my sister's friends and he looked really out of it so I asked him if he was okay and he said he was justa bit ill 'cause he drank too much. So I was just making sure he was okay. I explained to Bowen, that that kid legit look like he was gonna pass out so I was just asking if he needed any help. He kept teasing me about it. Jealous much? At Vick's house we all decied to watch a movie. Originally, I was sitting on another couch but he waved me over to come sit beside him. So I did and we ended up cuddling on the couch. Kay & Vick totally knew what was up. After the movie, we both went upstairs. Vick & Kay went into Vick's room and well Bowen and I went into the guest bedroom.

Stripped our clothing until we were both in our undergarments. Layed in bed side by side. Silence. Small conversation. That silence....letting the adrenaline build. Everything so enticing. Both individuals hesitant. Not knowing who will initiate the first move. He always uses the same line on me and I'm always a fucking sucker for it. "Won't you give me a goodnight kiss?" Cheesy, I know. But its always my cue to start it up. Lips touch. Kissing. Making out. Skin to skin contact. Passion. Kisses down my neck. to my stomach. down. down. down. lost. Completely caught up in the moment. All the elements that come into foreplay. We didn't want Kay & Vick to hear us so we snuck downstairs to the other guest bedroom. It was all so adventurous. Hidden. In plain darkness. Everything comes off. Bare. And we keep on kissing. For some odd reason, I can feel the passion between us. It's an intriguing thing. The way we move. Just like last time, the sex was amazing. Biting lips. Kisses in between gasps. Same old blood rush. It's like real ecstasy. He says he recalls we had two rounds last time and that we need to beat our record. Unfortunately [he] didn't last long so that kinda ruined our plan. Note to self: bring more protection next time. I decided to test him and suggested to do it without protection. He immediately responded with a "I don't really like that idea." I was impressed. Responsible child. Most guys don't care at all and would just go for it. He promised me we'd do it again in the near future, and hinted at the fact that his birthday was in 2 days. Birthday sex actually sounds enticing. Too bad it didn't happen. So after we sat on the couch. Talked for a bit. He kept teasing me
on how short I was but it was cute.We went back upstairs and just kinda cuddled and slept and spooned. God, I love spooning.




I think he fell asleep before me because I was still awake. A million thoughts all circulating in my mind. & my god, he hogs the blanket. Not fair. In the morning I was half awake, half asleep. There'd be moments where we'd seperate and all I wanted was to spoon. It made me happy when we did. How he would pull me closer. Gentle kisses on the shoulder. We finally woke up, greeted by kisses. And down. down. down. he goes again. Fingerbanging in the morning? Truth, sex is always harder when you have to be quiet. That sounds vulgar. But its true. He got changed and invited me to go downstairs with him. I stayed in bed a bit longer. He stroked my face. I smiled. Finally got myself out of bed and went downstairs. I don't know what it is but its always awkward in the morning. My head is always spinning. The words never push past my tongue. I want to say everything in that moment. I want to ask him what he's thinking. I want to know what this is between us. I don't care if its nothing but friends with benefits. Or just a random hookup that happened twice. I just need something to be clarified. to be established. It was kind of an awkward morning/afternoon. We both knew what happened but because Vick and Kay finally woke up and were there we could barely say anything. I think Vick and Kay figured out what happened and to my astonishment they wrote "Kendahl, are you having sex right now? haha - vick & kay" on facebook wall for EVERYTONE TO SEE. Worse, it was on there for a good 10 hours. He was about to leave and I was going to go with him but he just booked it out of there. I was going to talk to him but that didn't happen.

It was 12:30 ish and he started talking to me on fb chat. "Kendahl, where' my birthday wall post?" I was actually going to do that. We had a short conversation. I don't really know what I'm getting myself into. I really don't care if everything just fades. First off, I start university tomorrow and he's graduating this year. I have a new chapter in my life that involves meeting tons of new people. I don't have the time and place, no to mention the commitment right now to be in a steady relationship. I know, I promised myself I would lay off the one night stands but somethings things just happen. And I know not everyone believes in that because we all have choices and we all have control. And well, we both saw the opportunity coming, so why not take advantage of that? We both want temporary comfort. Pleasure. For me at least, I like the chase, the thrill of it. It's enticing. A lot of people don't comprehend how I can just do this and not feel guilty about it the next morning or how I can ever possibly be okay with myself and these actions of mine. these choices. Honestly, I really don't know myself. I mean sure I have to go through the aftermath feelings of it all. The 5 stages. Shock. Guilt. Depression. Frustration. Confusion. And then there's acceptance. At the end of the day, you take responsibility for your actions. You stand by your choices. And maybe in the end it probably wasn't the best choice. But you can sit there all you want and regret and feel terrible or you can say, well it happened, I wanted it to, no strings attached, what's done is done. You move on. You live life. You don't have to forget it.

Truth is, I'm a very impulsive person. I realize that. It's a flaw of mine. Often, I do things without thinking. I get incredibly caught up in the moment. This thing with Bowen is all very interesting. We're basically just fuck buddies. But I swear he's at least a little bit interested in me. I mean, he didn't have to hook up with me twice. And honestly speaking, I'm not that easy. Just lately, it appears as if I am but I've still got my dignity. I realize I contrast in so many ways. I contradict myself a lot. There are many sides to my personality. I am an oxymoron. What has shocked me is that in the morning I completely forgot about daylight. Everything is apparent. And well. I'm not surprised if he saw my body stained with scars. Old battle wounds from years ago. From a dark age. I wonder if he really saw them. I wonder what his thoughts are. I can see how this thing between us is toxic but at the same time I'm only pursuing it because I get something out of it. And I guess I'm attracted to him. How he's unpredictable. There's something interesting about him, I just can't seem to dissect. I want to know. I believe a real relationship can be established even if at first it's physical. I know, I must have the strangest mindset in the world. But it all depends on both individuals. I want to know his story.

I keep coming back to that a lot. But we'll see what happens. If nothing happens. Nothing happens.

and truth be told, I can't help it if he's a good fuck.

i will explain in the morning,
but these are growing pains, the teenage life.


&& there are always moments and you wake up with
DID THIS JUST HAPPENED?


hot mess.





quelqu'un protége moi de mes désires.