Gratitude. Hope. Jonas.

Truth is, I am jealous of everyone who's gotten floor seats to the Vancouver shows. Call me callous, but some people I feel don't deserve them. They fucking boast about it and it's unbelievably annoying when people have really shitty seats or CAN'T EVEN AFFORD to go to their concerts. The ticket prices are fucking ridiculous but I suppose it's worth it. I'm just trying so badly to get floor tickets to see these boys. I feel insane, but I don't know I just really want to be able to touch them and then my life will be almost complete. Haha. 

Mainly, I really want to do this for my friend Kelly because she can't afford a lot of things and these boys are one of her favourite bands. If I got a meet & greet ticket, I'm not even joking I would give it to her because she deserves it more than anyone. She's not the richest of girls and I'm grateful I even got tickets for me & her but I really want her to have an amazing experience. Especially since, she never goes to concerts and this will probably be her second one after All Time Low. I'm just hoping. hoping. hoping so badly I try and get really good seats or meet & greet. I'm doing this for her because this girl deserves it. 

"Live like you're at the bottom, even when you're at the top." 

- The Jonas Brothers

That's what I do. I'm going to be honest and say, I am pretty damn well off. I get to do a lot of things a lot of people can't do; I've traveled to several different places around the world and I'm only 17. I get to have the best summers ever by traveling. I get to go to a gazillion concerts to see my fave bands. I live in a nice house. I have an awesome family; with flaws (but aren't we all?). I have amazing friends. I have the opportunity to have an education. etc. etc. 

But even with being fortunate I've learned to give back. Ever since I was little, generosity has poured out of me. I don't do it to earn attention, to be accepted, to appear nice. And I don't even do it because it's the so-called "right thing to do." It's in my nature. With Kelly, I haven't been exceptionally close with her up until the last little while. It's funny because we both see things in similar ways, despite my experiences she's pretty damn perceptive. She's done a lot for me lately helping me with my stupid drama with Nichola and Nat. I want to be able to give back. 

Ohwell, and even if I don't get m & g or floor tickets, I'm going to just have to accept that & just be grateful I even got tickets. And Kel & I will have a motherfucking good time anyways.  And this always make me feel better: (awesome Jonas Secret)

i'm spoiled.

i'm selfish.

and i know in moments

i show no gratitude.

and somehow my motivation

has been completely been diminished

in seconds over something really

fucking stupid.

why is it that good things happen to bad people

and bad things happen to good people?

& why does hope suddenly feel so fucking distant again?

Judgment. Jac Vanek. Jonas Brothers.

My hair is growing, I love it. I feel like the asian version of Jac Vanek, I know how ridiculous can I get? We both share the interest of photography, ginger kids, harry potter, british accents, asexuality (at least for the moment) and pop-punk bands. I don't know, out of all the "scene queens" she seems like the most "intelligent" or one that seems to have this sort of strive for life. Don't get me wrong, I love A-kitch but I feel like sometimes her "fame" gets to her. I mean, she's a lovely person considering I've met her but I can kinda see her arrogance. Or maybe it's just pride. I don't know. Call me a hypocrite, I'm not afraid to admit it.

There's something that's been bugging me for quite some time. JUDGMENT. I know we all do it, it's human, I get that but it comes to a point where it just gets out of hand, and seriously is it really necessary? I mean, I know I do it but let me tell you coming back from India I have completely let down my guard of judgment. The kids in school, who walk the hallways like they're all that, so be it. The kids that put down others because they're too scared to face their own insecurities, so be it. Because underneath it all, there is always a story. It's not just the so-called "in kids", not even the socially inept ones, it's all of us, you and me. We all have scars, we all have a story whether we choose to admit or not. We all have insecurities. Fears. Doubts. It's human, we're flawed. But my point is, as much we'd love to hate on that kid, criticize that girl's outfit, do anything in our power to diminish someone else's self-esteem it all comes back to us one way or another. And through it all, is it really worth it? I mean, I understand there are people who you will simply just dislike. Maybe there will never be a day you'll find a way to like that person. I get that. But this is textbook stuff, keep your comments to yourself. Words hurt. It's true. There's no denial in that. But there is always a reason why someone will criticize someone else. There is always something inside them that brings them to acting out on that. Maybe it's insecurities. Low self-esteem. Jealousy. But what people need to realize is that being judgmental is never beneficial. And I know it's one of the few things that society needs to learn. 

These quotes have stayed with me for a while & I've kept them close to my heart:

"Be kind to everyone, for they are fighting a hard battle inside. "

- anonymous Post Secreter

&

"Holding anger is a poison, it eats you from inside, we think that by hating someone we hurt them. But hatred is a curved blade and the harm we do to others, we also do to ourselves."

- The 5 People You Meet In Heaven

Another thing that kind of intertwines itself with judgment is when people criticize other people's music taste. Honestly, who said what "good music" is? Is it the latest hipster/indie band? Classic rock? That number one hit on the new top 40? No. It doesn't have to be. What I've learnt is that everyone will have different tastes in music, there will be people who share similar bands and artists with you but people need to stop being so bloody harsh about what's "good music" and what's not. I believe that whatever you think is good music, that's your good music. Maybe to someone else they may not fancy it but as long as you think it's good then why fight about it? I can understand if you dislike a certain band or artist but must people drag on and on about how terrible they are? I mean seriously, I listen to the freaking Jonas Brothers but I listen to screamo music as well. I know that people don't like the Jonas Brothers & people don't fancy screamo music, you deal. But when people are constantly throwing harsh comments at the bands and artists you like it really begins to annoy you. So what if you don't like my music, not everyone's going to fancy it but please hold your tongue. Okay, here's the thing it's okay to have different music tastes, it's okay to disagree but it's not okay to excessively judge other's music likings & degrade their fave bands/artists as to say what's better or that they're the worse thing(s) out there. Honestly, have some peace. And sorry if I didn't articulate myself that well because I often find myself doing that // being a hypocrite in which I am already aware of, thanks. 

I AM FUCKING JONAS OBSESSED.

& I NEED TO STOP NOW.

THEY ARE TAKING OVER MY LIFE.

WHATTHEFUCK.

I will always love A-kitch. She is still one of the prettiest people to me. Even is she's constantly dolled up, covered in make-up, false eyelashes, hair extensions. UK was awesome, we didn't stay there very long but I forgot how much I love London. Every time I go back, I am always fascinated by my surroundings. And damn, those british accents are lovely. I bought some pretty neat stuff, of course. Probably the best purchase was this authentic RAF Women's Jacket. The guy who sold it to me totally reminded me of a mix between Bill Nighy, Bob Dylan and Mick Jagger. haha. He definitely had character. I'm in Ireland now, Galway to be exact. It's rather small-towned, very quaint. I don't know if I could live here but it's pleasant. I head to Dublin tomorrow and I'm really excited. 

The thing about traveling is I always develop new eyes to see the world. And I am truly grateful that I get to visit so many places at such a young age. I mean, this summer I get to go to Kenya, Paris again and then Indonesia. I'm hitting up 3 different continents in the span of 2 months! With all this, there's always this sense of feeling alive and I love it. Also, I'm graduating in 2.5 months and I am fucking terrified but extremely excited at the same time. I feel as if there is just so much ahead of  me, so many new things to try. I've been feeling really appreciative lately, not that I'm naturally ungrateful but sometimes I forget to really recognize what I have and all the experiences I've had. It's easy to get consumed by life's anxieties. It's easier to procrastinate then to get work done. It'll always be so much easier said than done. But I'm learning to break my usual routine, I'm willing to change for the better. I'm learning to put effort into work because if I really want something, I need to overcome the obstacle there will never be an easy way out. And I'm learning to give my self that little push, to get ahead start. I'm learning to truly love myself. I'm learning gratitude. And it feels amazing.

Plus, I have so many gigs to look forward to within the next few months especially All Time Low & Jonas Brothers. And as much as I am a bit scared I won't get tix to JB, something tells me I will. GOTTA STAY POSITIVE! Haha. I suppose through it all the music is keeping me alive. Oh yeah, I really am eager to get my tats done, especially "believe" & "today." Hopefully I'll get them done before summer. 

//  learning to breathe. ----just smiles all round.

Finally a good day with awesome news!

Highlights of the day:

- making Kel read the sequel to the Jonas fanfic

- Mrs. Moreau telling Kel to tel Cooper to pull up her pants. LMFAO.

- energy drinks with Kelly. Reminder to never drink them before

3rd and 4th block = completely insanity.

- caffeine levels escalating during 3rd block, entertaining everyone

with my word vomit & randomness

- finding out Tony likes 3Oh!3 = hilarious

- finding out Jessica likes Late of The Pier = completely unexpected & epic!

- emanating positive energy

- only 7 people in creative writing class; Kel & I listening to the Jobros

and being so hyped up on caffeine we ended up singing out loud in class

during our 20 mins of writing. ----> sub looking at us weird

- being ridiculed again for fancying the JoBros, I swear it's becomes a class inside joke

- watching JoBros on Born to Be for the 5th time

- finding all my Jonas Secrets on the JS Group 

- laughing at all the comments on my Jonas Secrets

- finding out the FUCKING JONAS BROTHERS ARE COMING TO VAN.

- freaking out // 2 hour conversation with Kelly

- Sean wanting to go haha

Today is amazing, basically.

& thanks to the JoBros I have procrastinated all day and now 

my obsession has gotten x 84332908423 worse. Awesome.

I just hope I can get tix & maybe even meet & greet passes.

Ohgawsh, I don't even want to think about the euphoria that'll give me

if I end up getting M & G. 

tomorrow = hello, england // ireland. 

life is epic.

dreamers, you see everything in colour.

That's my Jonas Secret. Well it isn't really a secret but there's something about that song, about those particular lyrics that stand out for me. I've done a lot of thinking lately, a lot of re-evaluating. I think I'm actually content for once but I feel in ways it's artificial? I don't know if I'm just lying to myself/convincing myself I really am and creating this illusion or if I truly, genuinely am. Anyways, a week and a bit ago I was having a really shit time. I was looking back at my older posts and saw how I was  really happy for an extremely long time, I felt good about everything, I was confident and contentment just emanated from me. And then problems had arisen between my two "best friends." I put them in quotations because I'm still not sure of Nichola. Anyways, it sucked. I couldn't confide in both of them because all I'd hear were both of them speaking malevolent things about each other. As much as it tore them apart, I think it affected me the most. I'm not trying to receive sympathy, I'm just saying being the middle person, being the outsider watching the entire situation unfold completely diminished what I relied on, what I held onto. I was weak again. The two people who were my foundation of the friendship completely ruptured. Our once magnificent, strong empire had crumbled into ruins. And there I was left, standing at the scene. 

I know shit happens. But this goes to prove my point that everything is temporary. Everything comes and goes. That's like me and happiness. Every time I am truly content, I try my best to savour all of it and I hold onto it as hard as I can because I know not too far down the road it'll be destroyed (sorry to sound like a pessimist but it's true, it's life.) The worse part of the situation between Nat and Nichola was that they were completely absorbed into themselves and pointing the finger at one another they didn't see how much the situation had affected me. And with that, I couldn't talk to either of them. I mean yeah, I talked to them but I couldn't tell them what was going on because they were already dealing with all their billions of predicaments. No, correction the worse part was feeling alone. I swear loneliness is one of the worse feelings in the world next to guilt and regret. My support system felt destroyed. I distanced myself. Put up my walls because I thought I was doing everyone a favour by protecting them from my harmful self. Of course, I took it to the heart. Was enveloped by the "idea" that I was alone. I had no one. And the demons consumed and I found my way back to scarlet pictures, prettily painted on my arm. Back to longsleeves. I didn't want to go back to razorblades but when you're in that state of frustration, when you feel yourself losing against your inner demons you can't help but surrender. And that's exactly what I did. And I say this over and over again, every time I fucking slip but 3-4 years down the road, no matter how deep I cut, no matter where I cut or how much I cut. I STILL CAN'T FUCKING FEEL ANYTHING. It's true. There's no gratification, no relief just red lines and damaged skin tissue. And, it leaves scars of remembrance. Fantastic isn't it? Addictions. Compulsions. Demons. 

Of course, as always I felt the guilt. The regret tugging at my heart making this weight heavier. The strange thing is, no matter how dark of a place you're in somehow the light always manages to find its way back. And it did. I ended up talking to Nat a couple days later and she explained how she was sorry she had been neglecting me for the past couple of weeks and it seemed like she was ditching Kelly and I for the "in kids." I know she was friends with them but I felt she was just being consumed by their cruel intentions and pretentiousness. She explained it had nothing to do with me nor Kelly that it was just because she was distancing herself from Nichola and didn't mean for it to cause frustration. It made a lot more sense after we talked. I'm glad because she said that even though she's friends with the "in kids" I will always be her best friend, and even with the situation between her and Nichola it has only made our friendship stronger and I believe that. Also, on February 27th I went to go see the Jonas Brothers 3-D Movie Concert Experience with Kelly. I know the majority of people I know greatly dislike them but for some reason they've got me wrapped around their fingers. I used to be extremely anti-Jonas until I saw Camp Rock. Don't ask how or why it happened because it just happened. I guess I just have always had a thing for guys with long hair and tight pants. Ha. 

Kelly and I dressed up for the gig. I went with the whole "high heels, red dress" getup, in reference to their song 'Burnin' Up." Kelly went as Mitchie from Camp Rock, sporting them moccassins! We also wore our Camp Rock backpacks. We asked Nichola to come along and we made her dress up all Jonas-y; wayfarers, fedoras, ties. She isn't much of a Jonas fan but I think she just came because she had nothing better to do. We got to the theatre and we were a bit early so Kelly plugged in my iPod and played "Burnin' Up." (Her backpack is epic and has speakers.) Everyone stared at us it was funny but we didn't care we just danced and sang. Finally we got in and the entire time people were singing, screaming and dancing. I couldn't help but do the same and laugh and make random jokes with Kelly. I screamed so freaking loud when the Joe shirtless scene came up. Definitely a teenie moment but c'mon, he's gorgeous what girl wouldn't die at the sight of that? Haha. When they played S.O.S everyone in the theatre got up and danced. It turned into the biggest dancefest followed with the next songs; Hold on & Burnin Up. It was freaking hella fun. It made my day and it definitely felt like I was at one of their concerts. Kelly and I went insane, we were just in such awe. Anyways, after that day our Obsessive Jonas Disorder has gotten so much worse. We're quite aware that a lot of people dislike them but I don't know, their music is so damn catchy and I find them attractive well at least Joe and kind of Nick. For Kelly it's Kevin. Hey, we all have different taste don't we? 

Well it's been 2 weeks and I've been clean. It always sucks to have to restart after having gone so long without SI-ing and then slipping. But it's rewarding when you count down the days and see how much you've progressed. I mean I'm not perfect. I'm never going to be. We're all human. We're all flawed. And like Renee Yohe says "It'll always be a struggle to make the next right choice." It's true. It's a battle every day. We all have control over ourselves. We all have choices. It just depends how we go about it. And to add to all this, I'm glad JB is a nice distraction for me. They keep me happy and that's just what I need right now, plus Kelly and I have become closer which makes me really happy. And, spring break starts on Thursday and I'm going to England/Ireland. Can't wait.

And back to my Jonas Secret. I have a playlist for songs that remind me of that time in the hospital, it used to be really hard listening to those songs but now I see them as my little tokens of hope. Anyways, out of all the songs that keep me safe, the ones that save me in times of struggle for some reason "Love Is On Its Way" managed to help the most during my whole "breakdown." I know I usually go to more "in-depth songs" ones that I think are lyrically good and I know JB are pretty lyrically incoherent but that song emitted hope. The words are simple but I think it presented hope in it's simplest form. It wasn't like I needed to decipher some metaphorical message and maybe that's why it reached out to me with open arms. And that lyric "dreamers, you see everything in colour" I thought about the way I see things differently now. Ever since I got back from India or even for the past few weeks. I'm a dreamers, I have all these big dreams I want to accomplish and fulfill and I'm always observing, watching. I see things with an open mind. I look at things from different perspectives, not just one lens. It made sense to me. It depicted me. And that's the lovely thing about songs. They find you like friends. 

p.s I had a convo with Sean...it made me laugh he's totally creepin':

hey how was Underoath/Norma Jean?

11:33pmsean

quite good

underoath were unreal, norma jean played alot of older stuff..which i disliked.

11:33pmKendahl

awe that sucks

yeah i wanted to go but i got lazy haha

11:34pmsean

yeah

it was my 4th time seeing underoath

and 3rd seeing norma jean

11:34pmKendahl

woah intense!

11:34pmsean

yeah..i have a religious obsession with norma jean

like.the jonas brothers..except with norma jean

11:35pmKendahl

hahah THX FOR CREEPIN 

11:35pmsean

welcome.

11:35pmKendahl

hahah

was there even a moshpit? 'cause wasn't it a seated concert?

11:36pmsean

there took out like 4 rows of seats.

11:37pmKendahl

awesome!

11:37pmsean

yeah

its a smaller venue than i expected, maybe like..800?

11:38pmKendahl

yeah that's kinda small but glad you had fun! i kinda wish i went although i prefer the almost over underoath haha

11:38pmsean

yeah, i like both..but underoath def's got me into that style of music

23:39

sean always like this;.

11:39pmKendahl

coo' coo', how was innerpartysystem?

11:40pmsean

missed them

i was still drinking at that point, aha

11:40pmKendahl

hahaha

11:40pmsean

i've heard they're like powerpoppy, no?

11:40pmKendahl

yeah they're not my favourite but they have some pretty good tunes

it made my day.

p.p.s I saw J's band the other day and they're epic live! Also, Adam got a nice haircut he looks damn cute. And J was happy to see me and gave me hug. He has a gf now and I'm not jealous, I promise. I like to think of myself as a coo' older sister or some person he looks up to. 

Anyways, life is good and sometimes, despite the scars all you can really do is smile.

tell me, how did the chaos begin?

when did the world start dropping bombs on me?

jets overhead.

how did the weight suddenly crush my shoulders?

and how did the damage get this deep?

why are we back to the unanswered? the unknown?

why is it so difficult to fathom that 7-lettered word?

c o n t r o l.

we all have it.

you and i, both.

but i am scared.