i have 2 weeks left with you until you have to go home and figure everything out. that's fourteen days. 20, 160 minutes. 1, 209, 600 seconds.

and i know we are both scared. the fear that we're going to get bored of each other. that something will happen in the time we're apart and one of us will have to make the call to end everything. i know i'm scared. i know you are too. but i don't know why, you're just perfection in and of itself. you're too good to be true. i always have to pinch myself or something but i know i'm not dreaming. this is reality.

and i believe in this. i do. i am fucking terrified okay. and i'm trying so hard to prepare myself for the worse and i know even if something happens where things just don't work out, i'll be okay. because i always do. i'll be okay and i know that. but the pain, i don't want to deal with that. the hurt. the sadness. sleepless nights. running the details over and over again in my mind. i don't want to feel that.

but i know that this is really fucking scary and i know the fear lingers and i've only ever been sure about 3 things in my life and you are one of them. and this everything, these last 3 weeks have been beyond extraordinary and i couldn't be more grateful. i wish i could just tell you right now that honestly i am fully investing in this, in us. and that everything that's happened is completely surreal and unbelievable and unexplainable. i don't have enough vowels and consonances to express all the feelings residing in my chest and you are the cause of that.

in all this chaos we found safety.

3 am will always haunt me, for god knows why. At this hour its always either epiphanies, nostalgic moments or the 60 minutes of fear and anxiety. pain. I don't know. I'm really hoping right now this isn't my darkness creeping up on me again. I'm hoping so badly this isn't the depression settling in. That it's just my goddamn stupid teenage hormones.

I can't even describe the last 2 and half weeks. I really can't. I've been trying on numerous occasions to just write it all out, express it in any possible way, I simply can't. Draft after draft. My words all get deleted. I'm writing memory after memory, trying to not forget all the intricate details but I always get distracted or I suddenly lose all power to finish what I had started.

All I know is that I've found the one thing that everyone in this goddamn world always longs for. The one thing that engulfs the biggest and countless cliches. The one thing I have convinced myself of never attaining. deserving. I may be only eighteen but I love you to death and this fact scares the living hell out of me.

They say everything is better when you're "in love" how you're on a this permanent natural high that you can't seem to get rid of, how absurdly content you feel all the fucking time, how when in your presence its this automatic shield of safety. I know as someone whose had their battles, who still lives with their demons, I've only ever been sure of 3 things in my life and that's

1) music & art mean everything to me.

2) TWLOHA, despite what people think about them will always have an impact on me.

3) Kenya & India are the souls of the universe and eternally have left a permanent mark on me.

And you. I don't know what the hell it is but you are legitimately the BIGGEST MINDFUCK EVER.

Almost three weeks, if anyone heard the way we talk, the way we are around each other they'd call us mental but for two strangers who got to know each other real quick in the span of less than 72 hours I'd say we're fucking brilliant. And everything is undeniably unexplainable.

Its strange the way we encounter people, how we come upon meeting new individuals almost every day of our lives. One choice and it all can change. Maybe its fate, chance, coincidence, whatever it is at the end of the day I can't help but fall asleep with a smile on my face.

I've always been the best goddamn actress in this town. Fake that smile. Say what they want you to say, pretending to be [happy.] I know the drill. Its funny because once you become so good at something, sometimes you can't stop. And me, I was damn good at keeping my composure, hiding so many things from everyone. Its a skill, really. I'm pretty convinced that all the people who you think are the happiest beings in the world are the most damaged, they carry copious amounts of sadness in their hearts, they know hurt. And all the people I've ever known only a few rare gems really know me inside and out to the fucking core. And you, you know me terribly well. Like I said, I am shocked. Absolutely flabbergasted.

The funny thing is I'm the jedi as well. I can read you like an open book even though you're quite the actor too.

And everything is enticing. The way we can have a lot of fun doing something or nothing at all. How we can just stare at each other's eyes for god knows how long and its as if the entire time you're reading my mind and vice versa. How we sleep in parks and at beaches. You're 6"2 figure. Lanky boy Love = LBL. How you're pretty much a music prodigy. The way we kiss. The way you wake me up in the mornings. For a damaged soul you love me even with my scars. How you're not afraid. The fact that you keep me safe. Your passion for music. This paragraph doesn't even do this. us. you. justice. There are a bajillion other things that make you. and this so goddamn intriguing.

And I am so fucking terrified. You know this. Giving someone their all, letting their guard down, letting someone in...finally. I always tell myself "whatever happens happens" and I try and prepare myself for the worse but to be honest if you left tomorrow I don't know what the fuck I'd do. I'm delusional. We are insane. But I don't care because you bring out my absolute best.

I told you today I love you for you not by all the gifts you buy me. I told you that you didn't always have to get me stuff or do all these things for me, I'm always content just by you just being there, your presence, even if you don't say anything at all. Jubilance.

This is all such a new feeling but everything feels so natural. There is the nervousness, new found fears, insecurities and doubts but when I think about it all I am so freaking grateful. And I tell myself every day that this is possibly the scariest thing I've ever done but...

I am absurdly, ridiculous, undeniably and uncontrollably in love with you.