stay gold, old friend.

I hope one day you find yourself, and you find love within your bones that aches and the world around you.

I constantly feel that my heart is too big for hatred to ever breed in my heart.

Even after all the chaos, all the people who've ever left some detriment, scars, and painful memories. I always forgive them because I know the past isn't meant to be kept alive within the present.

It's always disheartening when specific individuals entered your life and made an impact on you in that very moment in time yet somehow something happens that tears you apart and two people that were once so close become strangers. Whether it be friends or lovers.

I miss an old friend. I miss many of them. But especially you. I know what happened last summer never really found closure, it never found its peace.

But even though I miss you every day and the times we shared I'll never forget you were the one individual that taught me how to trust. You taught me how to laugh and to embrace being absolutely ridiculousness with no fucks given. The summer after we graduated and all hell broke loose, all those late nights and indulging in absurd shenanigans. Rebel, rebel. That time I first tried MDMA with you and Potter and I had never felt so infinite. How you were there when I met Sean. Our love for the Jonai and having no denial. Being together in Paris even though we had our moments of anguish. You were my first real friend that understand my affliction, why I had such intense feelings and my bad habits of taking a knife to the skin. You were the first that I actually confided in even with the short period of time of knowing you. We were inseparable. Sisters. As if your blood was mine. But I know that we cannot be present in each other's lives right now, that we are both leading different paths. And every day I send out the love hoping that you're okay and that you find happiness even if I am absent. Despite what happened, I'll always love you. Unconditionally.

I may not be a fan of your lover but I hope he treats you right. I hope one day you find the courage within yourself to know that you are one of the strongest individuals I know, and that you are better than him. I know that I cannot fully comment on your relationship because at the end of the day, I don't get to see what happens behind closed doors. I hope that one day you find someone that you don't always need to save. I hope you fulfill your dreams and expand your horizons and see beautiful parts of the world. I hope you can forgive me. I hope that one day the universe will speak and somehow we will be reunited out of the unknown.

I love people so much I can barely fathom it myself. Even though your words were callous and your actions were childish and vindictive. Perhaps I forgive too easily but I know that there is love in your heart and beneath the skin and the bones lies a amazingly beautiful soul inside and out. I wish you all the best old friend, even if the future contains no space for my presence. I understand.

setting fire to our insides for fun.

i wish i could understand myself like those moments when i feel so alive. but every so often i get pushed closer to the edge and i lose control. i know i'm stronger than before, i've known this for so long but somehow the demons always find a way to creep back in. and i tell myself, "i have a choice, i have a fucking choice" but it all doesn't matter once the blade is right in front of me. i thought this year i would go all 365 days without a single laceration, without a fucking relapse but it just so happens i may be still infatuated with this horrific love affair. on and off for six years, you'd think by now at 21 i'd learn my lesson, that this vice only has a temporary effect, it no longer gives me the same rush, i know i don't exactly do it for the same reasons. no matter how deep, how much, absolutely nothing except red stains. i'm not sure what i'm doing anymore, i'm still fully functional, i can still laugh and smile and see the beauty in life but once in a while it's as if the depression and anxiety engulf me, asphyxiate me and i set fire to everything. i create the chaos and somehow elated but i am extremely guilty. it doesn't make sense. i cannot deny that at times, if people actually knew what my life was like they'd probably be concerned, tell me to go see my therapist, medicate me, tell me i'm spiralling down into turmoil, that i am not well. i know my lifestyle is nothing of the ordinary. i know that for a while i was drinking too much, always intoxicated, and doing lines every weekend. it was recreational we said but i knew it had slightly turned into a bad habit. we said we'd only do it with friends but these friends kept coming over and somehow the topic of nose candy always came up. i gave in, i gave in. i always give in. i tell myself, no its not too much. i tell myself after one line, two lines....three, five or more that i'll stop but it never does. last week i did a couple lines just to stay awake and finish an essay. obviously, on the one hand it assisted me in getting an assignment done but i know in my heart that it was not right.

aside from all the substances, there's also the question of my relationship. don't get me wrong i love sean, i do. but there's this boy at school and we've gotten closer. i can't explain it. it's not that i'm even physically attracted to him but his personality is lush. he's just so sweet. i know that he may potentially fancy me, and even at times he treats me as if we were dating but i know he's just caring. i hung out with him all weekend since we were both at school working. maybe it's because he's a scorpio and i am too and his eyes always say more than what actually graces his lips. or maybe it's the way he compliments me all the time and makes me feel like a million dollars. or how he constantly makes me laugh. or that somehow he gets me even though i don't always say much. or the fact that i literally went into panic on saturday when frustration and disappointment ensued after my project wasn't working out and i texted him to meet me outside for a smoke and i told him that life was shitting on me. and like always, i try to keep my composure, to be strong and not let everything collapse inside of me. but i know myself all too well that if the anxiety consumes me, my walls can only be so strong. and i just began to tear up and cry in front of him. it's extremely hard for me to be vulnerable in front of certain people because people always see me as someone that's usually content and smiling. and for the part that's true but sometimes everything just fucking breaks my heart and i can't hold it together. he just hugged me, while i cried and left tears on his sweater. he kissed the side of my head and told me it was going to be okay. after he let me go of his embrace, we just sat and he kept putting his hand on my leg or putting his arm around me and kept saying, i'm here for you okay? you're going to be okay. following the side hug. maybe i just like attention and comfort he gives me. this sounds horrible but sometimes i find comfort in other people when i can't get it from sean. i'm talking about how i will shamelessly indulge in friendly flirting. i'll go to others and confide in them rather than my own boyfriend. i guess because when you've been in a long term relationship for almost three years, the magic slowly disappears, it all becomes routine after a while. i think what astonished me was the fact that someone who i honestly just met just by hanging out in the smoking area at school, and who i hardly knew was just blatantly telling me they were there for me and reassuring me that i would be fine. i guess it kind of caught me off guard because usually i am the one extending my hand to others, and i don't often ask for help, and if i do people aren't always available. i think it was just nice to have someone respond so immediately and be there for me in that moment since that hadn't happened in a while. with my boyfriend he's there for me and all but it gets to the point where it starts to sound like nagging. he'll start saying things like, "well now you know for next time you need to do this," or "this always happen, you know you need to do this or that." and it's like fuck. i don't want to hear that in this moment when i am already feeling like shit and at that point where i just want to fucking die because it's all so overwhelming. in these moments i just want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. i don't need this extra bullshit of what i already know what i need to do or do better. trust me i know, i fucking know.

i know i'm creating more of a mess for myself, twisting all my insides with this slight infatuation. but i can't help but somehow be attracted to him in some way. i like how you tease me and make me laugh. how whenever you introduce me to a friend you always tell them, "this is kendahl, she's always dressed to the nines." and it's all so silly i know. it's ridiculous and it's embarrassing. but i guess i just fancy the way you make me feel something i haven't felt in a while. i like how you give me real hugs. long hugs. the kind of hugs where it lasts a couple minutes and how sometimes you'll kiss the side of my head. but i know it just means i really care about you as a friend. although i know that perhaps in some way you may fancy me more, and i know that you respect the fact that i am in a relationship and you would never cross the line. but how can we ever deny that there isn't some sort of chemistry here? and the voice in my head keeps telling me to shut up. that this is wrong. and i don't know what i want. i am torn. my head is telling me to keep my boundaries but my heart is telling me to taste chaos and my gut is telling me i'm only enchanted by the comfort he gives me. i can't make up my mind right now. when the logical thing is just to talk to my boyfriend. but it sounds ridiculous if i say it aloud, to tell him 'pay more attention to me.' because honestly that's all i really need. when we're both home we diverge into our separate spaces. he'll either play his music, watch tv or play video games and i isolate myself on my computer. there's no connection. and i try and i try. but i can't say 'i love you' these days without knowing i don't actually mean it. i wish you could be more kind, i wish you understood me like you used to too, i wish you didn't ignore my problems because i know i can be a burden to you. i feel so heavy in your arms. and i want to tell you i'm sorry but it's not enough. i want to tell you everything that i've internalized but i can't. i can't. it all breaks my heart. and i'm terrified i might break yours.

foolish creature.

I always do this to myself. Procrastination. It's what every fucking young person seems to be good at. There's probably a generation of us. All lost, head in the clouds, building empires in our minds, always dreaming of wanting to be someone // somewhere else. It's this nonsensical battle within myself that actually is super simple to resolve yet I refuse to admit it. I let all my work build up until the last minute, somehow in my fucked up brain I get this "thrill" this "rush" that I can keep pushing and pushing until it leads me to act out and become self-distructive. It is all me and I know it. It's so fucking simple. All I really need to do is just sit THE FUCK DOWN AND JUST DO IT. But I am always distracted. I live through these webpages. Looking at all the things I wish I could have, lusting over cities I wish to return, places I've never been, all these people I admire, all the music I want to be surrounded by, all the clothes and shoes that glitter, all the lives I have yet to live. I am always stuck in daydreaming, it's almost exhausting. It overwhelms me. And I also watch the clock. I am so fucking good at wasting time. If this was a real profession, hell I'd excel in it hardcore. It's honestly just a vicious cycle I continue to put myself in. I let everything escalate until there's hardly any time, and here I am again with another late night staying up til 5 am writing another essay I partially don't give a shit about. The thing is I don't hate school, I actually love all my classes this semester but I've never been quite the academic type. I love learning, don't get me wrong but being in a school setting has never been a place of comfort or anything short of easy. I suppose in a way that's why I fancy rebelling it so much. Somehow I think that procrastination is my own secret of saying 'FUCK YOU' for a couple days until I actually feel the pressure becoming so immense, I just have to buckle down and get to work. How fucking senseless am I? I mean really, it all comes down to discipline. The thing is I know that straight up. I know this yet it is so impossible for me to actually commit and just get right down to it. The most ludicrous part of this is that I allow myself to become so distressed from letting the situation intensify, and it is not always a pretty scenery. Salutation to Sean for putting up with my trainwreck ways for almost 3 years, seriously. I am a real joy to be around when shit hits the fan. Let's just say things can get pretty heavy and detrimental, and it's all because of my choices. My lack for discipline, my deficiency for time management. And all I ever want to do is sleep it all away. I guess ignorance is bliss.

true colors.

you always try and believe that everyone is a good soul at heart, that beneath the layers lies someone as vulnerable as you and even with all the damage, there is a spark of hope and a hint of happiness.

but sometimes you get let down, sometimes the people you love, the people you trust, people you call your friends end up exposing their true selves. the layers get peeled back, and everything that you saw that was once golden and magnificent seems to decay to a horrendous shades of darkness, the anger, their demons are revealed and the sight is terrifying.

i got the opportunity to attend the annual Sasquatch Music Festival at the Gorge Amphitheatre. needless to say that weekend was quite imperfect. there were few moments that contained smiles and laughter, intoxication and too much dancing, chain smoking and listening to amazing music. but mostly i am just cursed with unfortunate luck sometimes and it just so happened so much combusted all at once. Sean and I ended up fighting for the first two days, it was absolute terrible, i suddenly found myself not wanting to be there but i pushed through, i know he always says cruel things when his fury takes hold but it hurts, it just fucking hurts. i was so upset that he was doing this to me and how he ruined part of my weekend, how he just couldn't be happy even though he was under a lot of stress but he knew how much this meant to me. on top of all this bullshit, Kelly was the most awful negative force of energy i have experienced in a long time. right from the get go, we hadn't even left fucking Vancouver yet and she was being rude to me. throughout the weekend she continued to maintain her pessimism, isolating herself from everyone either keeping away talking to her "new bf" on the phone or reading her iBook. i was not ignorant to her behavior and i constantly asked her what was wrong or asked her to join in on things with me but her actions prevailed. she was constantly complaining every day and informing me how she wanted to go home. she acted extremely ungrateful to be there and the main reason this whole dilemma arose was simply because i refused to drive her home monday night. she saw it as a slap in the face, how as her "best friend" i abandoned her but i had THE RIGHT to not let her in my car. i had priorities and i was responsible for all my camping gear and to bring it all back together since i was borrowing all of it, second of all i was not going to let her have her way when she was being an extreme cunt to me and everyone, i do not condone disrespectful behavior especially to people who are innocent in a situation and they've done nothing more than be generous and helpful to her. also, i was informed that the following day she woke up our friends at 4:30 am so they could drive back early, DID NOT EVEN BOTHER TO HELP CLEAN OR PACK ANYTHING while she sat in the car and was being a huge bitch the whole way home and was constantly complaining to them about Sean and I. oh, and she idiotically deleted Sean and I off facebook, real fucking mature of her. it speaks volume about her as a person, really her demeanor was absolutely appalling, i am in complete shock of how she behaved because it was completely outrageous. even after i had left she continues to provoke me by sending me rude condescending messages, hoping to get a rise out of me.

the funny thing is she continues to point the finger at me, having no self awareness whatsoever at how she, herself contributed to the whole debacle. i feel as if we are on different levels of life that she still has a lot of growing up to do. i felt i did what was right for me, she cannot see that i had had enough of her this weekend and i had a lot on my plate, she does not realize how she was being extremely selfish, utterly disrespectful, ungrateful and all around fucking rude this whole trip. i cannot believe her actions, i am truly disgusted. i understand that she feels hurt right now because she feels like i 'abandoned' her and that i was not being a good friend but putting all the blame on me is immature and self-righteous because there is no who's right or who's wrong or who's fault it is, we are both at fault here. we both did and said a lot of things that were hurtful and stupid, but i am aware of how i handled the situation, i know what i did wrong and i take responsibility for it. she on the other hand CANNOT EVEN COMPREHEND HOW FUCKING IMPERTINENT she was to everyone. i am more mad at how she treated others who were ONLY TRYING TO HELP HER than how she acted towards me. no matter if you are infuriated or in a negative headspace, YOU NEVER EVER BE MEAN TO A SOUL THAT IS ONLY BEING KIND TO YOU AND HAS NO INVOLVEMENT IN THE FUCKING PREDICAMENT ITSELF.

despite my anger i only think positively about the future, i think things are just extremely fragile right now that any sort of engagement or discussion will only fuel the fire, i think we both just need a break, and let time heal some wounds because i know i will talk to her when the time is right but right now we just need to feel our own pain and deal with it. i know that i mean a lot to Kelly as I mean a lot to her but in the current state we're in any sort of association or discussion with one another will only worsen the situation. i intend on conversing with her when i'm back from Dresden because that will be enough time to let things breathe and let ourselves have some distance from each other.

although i should've known better in ways because i had known from Paris that she was difficult to travel with and even before Sasquatch she was being an all around shit friend constantly bailing on me so i suppose i saw this coming. it's sad when people's true colors show and their real selves are exposed, how they are ignorant to how they might've acted in the mess and continue to blame you for everything.

it's a war within itself because as much as i am infuriated, i also love Kelly a lot and will always love her unconditionally no matter what happens. only time will tell and let things unfold as their meant to. if it's meant to be for her to stay in my life than it's meant to be and if not i am okay with that as well because sometimes things happen for a reason and sometimes they're painful but at the end of the day you have to accept it for what it is.

i don't understand why things always have to go to shit. why things always have to affect you and you can never seem to be happy. i don't expect you to be perfect but it's really frustrating when i try and tell you the positive side of things but you just push it away and you can't seem to hold onto optimism. how you constantly clutch to your anger. how nothing is ever good enough. i just want you to be happy. but your negativity always affects me and its so hard not to be influenced by it. i hate how we were doing so good then you let everything get the best of you. i know things will get better but its so fucking hard to see the bright side of things when you're so used to having everything demolish right in front of you.

it is so unbelievably easy to destroy myself in seconds. i haven't felt this shitty in so long. i could blame it on the fact that i am getting sick or that i'm just having an off day. i just hate everything and everyone today.

i don't why the smallest things have started triggering my anger again. 'causing this chain reaction of events, feelings. you could say i have jealousy problem, you could say i'm just idiotic for even caring about such things, you could say i'm just feeling sorry for myself. i already feel stupid for feeling the way i am but today is just unbearable.

it's funny, people think i have a bit strong backbone but only to a certain degree. i can collapse so easily, everything can be demolished within moments. my confidence, i don't really know where it's been lately, suddenly i've just indulged in self-pity and doubt and fear. they've become such close companions. whispering lies. i am always convinced. gullible.

on the one hand i know i can be very brave and strong but underneath that layer i am nothing but an insecure piece of shit. i convince myself sometimes that you can do better than me, i understand i am not the [prettiest] of girls and you are pulchritude, to the core. do you understand that? you could have fucking anyone. why me. i am nothing but chaos. i am too damaged. i am fucking nothing. and i say i'm okay if you look at other girls, if you talk to the prettiest people in the room. but really, i'm just trying to act fearless. what a shame.

your patience runs low, i know you just want me to be happy. but do i ever get to be upset? i always put up with your shit. and you tell me your lacking patience right now and that you have a bunch of things to deal with. but what about me? WHAT ABOUT ME? i know you probably didn't mean it but how selfishly indulgent of you. i know i am a lot to handle, trust me. why do you think i've never let anyone in before?

everyone just expects me to have a smile on, all the FUCKING time. just because i'm better now, because i am allegedly "healed" that i am no longer in the "right mind" to pick up the vices again, everyone fucking thinks i'm fine. and maybe i am. maybe i'm not. but i know myself it is so very FUCKING easy for me to be self-destructive. perhaps i possess some weird, sick and twisted mind because sometimes i am tempted to destroy, just to watch everything go up in flames. all the aftermath. and what good would any of this do?

i hate questioning everything. how my mind works. how i can't just rebuild my vertebrae and be happy.

i don't fucking know anymore.

the way out of the labyrinth.

i'm always running in circles. i'm getting so sick of this routine. my insides feel all twisted and this weary feeling makes me want to sleep for days.

why is it we always try and hurt the outside to kill what's inside?

you get mad for stupid things. you always have to be right. it's always my fault. you say i exhaust you. you tell me to fuck off. you tell me i twist things. you're self-righteous. you disrespect me. you're rude.

but i am nothing close to perfection, as well.

i know i procrastinate too much. i never do what i'm told. i constantly need guidance in my life. i over-analyze. i think the worst about everything. i put up walls for no legitimate reason. i'm too hard on myself. i can't seem to love myself. i'm too critical. i'm pessimistic.

maybe i just have too many expectations, that this always has to be lovely and intense but perhaps things need to see calm waters. maybe i just worry too much. it's been so hard lately trying to see the light in everything. i've felt so distant lately from you. everything's been so busy that we haven't had time to settle down and have a proper dialogue.

i keep rereading our messages from summer. i miss it. i miss everything. i miss us...back then. i guess this is what always happens. life.

i'm exhausted of feeling overwhelmed, feeling so distressed, constantly apprehensive. i need to learn how to breathe. to center myself. i keep asking myself why, in some mysterious way everything always turns out okay. i'm not complaining. it's just strangely fascinating. in ways, i feel like i don't deserve all this happiness because i have engaged in hurtful activities.

i think i need to stop thinking so much. our mind is our own worst enemy. all the thoughts that keep me awake at night haunt me in my sleep.

i've been practicing a dangerous abundance of negative energy lately. and i realize i'm attracting all this pessimism, and strangely sean has been picking up on it and it's indirectly // unconsciously affecting him.

so here's to today. forgiving. and fighting for something that is of great significance. no more feeling sorry for myself. beginnings with abolishing the incertitude, the fear, the anxiety.

as my mum says, "SHUTUP. SITDOWN. AND LOVE YOURSELF."

have faith in this, in everything. stop living in the past. think of the summer months ahead. listen to good music, that awakens the soul. look for inspiration in the things i love. take more pictures. hang out with more friends. make new friends. talk to old friends. don't ever lose sight of hope. don't let go, hold on tight.

sometimes all the anxiety and terror blinds my vision of what i should really be grateful for. these moments feeling so stuck, they are horrible and you'd like nothing more for that feeling to subside but all in all they somehow spark a light to see things in clarity.

so here we go, like we always will, onward to....

The Great Perhaps.