I feel like a selfish bitch because as much as I know

deep down, my gut feeling tells me me and her won't

be as close anymore.

But I know in a small way the only reason

why I'd fight for this is because I don't want to

lose the relationship with her brother.

AND GODDAMNIT, THAT KID IS CUTE. 

With a capital C.

p.s I hate attractive myspace friends....well not really.

but yeah, that's another story.

Uncertainty // But I'm alright.

Woah, 100 views. I never really thought people actually viewed my page, that kinda scares me. 

Well, today was better...I guess. I have a lot to be grateful for, a lot o smile for. So that's what's keeping me going. The weather was dreadful though. Literally pouring buckets, I was booking it to school 'cause I was scared my art portfolio was going to be drenched. Thank god it survived. I showed it to my Art Careers teacher, Mrs. Smith she loved it. I know, this sounds really awkward and conceited [in some weird way] but I know I'm one of her favourite students, I just like how she has a lot of faith in me when I don't believe in myself. She keeps me grounded. And she definitely inspires me tons. She totally would be the type of person who's done numerous crazy things in her life and probably has insane life stories. I could totes see that. I'd love to just sit down with her and converse over tea, she'd definitely be so fun to hang out with! And she has amazing style. Plus, she's South African so her accent is pretty epic, too. Haha. But yeah, she thinks I'm going to get into Art School. I really hope I do. Portfolio day is coming up REALLY EFFING SOON. And I'm so scared out of my skin. Seriously. I mean there's kids in my Art Careers class who, GOD KNOWS WHERE THEY GET THE TIME, and have like 384928423908432409238 projects to present. I mean, I have my stuff from Oxtrad and India and other random art projects I've done throughout the years. I guess I'm just going to chance it and hope for the best  and keep my optimism real high. And I've accepted the fact that if I don't get a letter I can always try again in March. Plus, going to portfolio day I can get some feedback on my art to see what I can work on. =D

Oh yeah, yes that is Audrey Kitching aka Twigg Violence. She is gorgeous and she's really sweet in person & MEGA SHORT. Like my height,  5"1 - 5"2.

I know I have a lot to smile for. I know I do. Trust me, I am aware. But sadly the elephant is back.

He's going to be around for a while, and it sickens me to death.

I told Nichola how I slipped for a bit, she got really worried and told me to ring her immediately

when I felt the feeling coming on to want to self-abuse. I thanked her for her kind words. 

I feel better that at least one person knows. 

And I know not going to school yesterday was good for me.

It was something I did for myself, for my health.

I woke up feeling extremely physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted.

I have never felt so fatigue in my entire life, it scared me.

And I knew Nichola and Nat would be texting and calling me to see where I was.

And for some reason when Nat called, I could hardly speak to her.

It was the most awkward conversation we've ever had.

Plus, today at lunch I waved a hello at her but something seemed wrong.

I didn't want to ask how she was because I knew she wouldn't fully explain

or she'd take out her frustration on me.

She seemed so distant, hiding in headphones, anti-social.

I know a couple of us came to her with open arms, asking what was wrong

but she pushed us all away. 

She didn't even try conversing with us at all.

I don't know.

I can understand that she'd be mad at me because I cancelled last minute

and told her I couldn't go to that protest with her.

I was just feeling extremely exhausted and didn't have the energy to do it.

And if she's miffed at me for that then that's really idiotic because

I do SO MUCH for her, I go with her to ALL THESE protest JUST FOR HER,

I made the GSA JUST FOR HER, when my main focus is TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS.

I think I need to just loosen up this weekend in terms of just kick back & relax type thing.

Just need to work on my art because I haven't done it in so long and just spend the

weekend with Nichola 'cause she makes me happy and doing art with her is hilarious.

Free from pessimism.

I know I'm going to have to confront her at some point but right now I just need space

because I think that' best for me. The last thing I want to do is end up talking to her and

blowing up in her face and having the resolution burn in flames.

So the weather is heavy, the clouds above my head, the rain dropping to their demise,

but I'm okay with it all, really. Surprisingly. I'm alright. I feel good today.

And thank god, I have a parasol today. 

p.s I'm still fighting for her and I will, it's a process. We're in this together. I still love Nat,

just need time. Hope. The music will save her tonight when I'm not there. Hope.

this is progress.

Detrimental.

my head hurts.

headaches. headaches. headaches.

i am so overwhelmed.

consumed by homework, pressure, deadlines,

unnecessary drama, stupid insecurities, "abusive" friends,

lies and stress.

ohgod, how can i lie to myself like this?

how can i even speak those words: "i am clean,"

"i am doing alright," "i am getting better."

All prevarications. I am such damn good actress.

I know, I know.

In the back of my mind, that voice that whispers.

"You've found your way back to the wreckage."

Oh, how I've become best friends again with old habits.

Razorblade secrets.

And I just want to feel something more.

And I have slipped. Oh, I have slipped.

What's worse is that I CAN'T FUCKING FEEL A THING.

I just want to experience the pain to wake up.

But I can't feel a thing.

The vices are no longer vices.

I don't know what has become of them.

Because my only [escape] is dysfunctional.

I don't know what to do. 

I can't scream.

My lungs are exhausted and destroyed.

I can't tell anyone.

My words swallowed back down, expired.

I can't fight.

My sword is demolished and I've lost my courage.

And it feels like last October,

befriending the demons again.

Loneliness is such a keeper.

Detrimental. 

I don't know how to love.

Someone answer me.

WHY IS EVERYTHING SO FUCKING TEMPORARY?

And I am engulfed by blackness. 

Where the light can't find me.

disgusted.

I'm sorry but I DO NOT fucking comprehend any of this.

The way you treat me is extremely rude.

I ask for you help or advice and you just reply with

a "I don't know." I am sick and tired of dealing with your

shit. I am exhausted by your constant relationship problems

that I could care less about. Because frankly, you simply have

no interests in my predicaments or any problems relating to

relationships. I do love you, I do. You are one of my dearest friends,

but sometimes I want to fucking slap you across the face. You need

to fucking wake up sometimes and consider other people's problems.

I'm not even going to bother confiding in you anymore because there's

no use. And only on occasion you will be interested on what is going

on in my life but lately everything just seems to revolve around you.

I'm sorry but I hate to admit this but you are extremely conceited and

self-absorbed at times. I dare not to confront you about this because I'd

rather you figure it out for yourself, plus I'd feel rude even though that's

the brutally honest thing to do. 

Stop fucking relying on me, because I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. 

Stop asking me for advice on relationships because honestly

I don't know shit all about them.

Stop asking me to do things for you because I am done being used.

Stop. Just fucking S T O P. 

I dislike your vanity, it's disgusting beyond comprehension.

The way you flaunt yourself sometimes, as if you are the most 

"gorgeous" person alive. 

There's a difference between loving yourself and loving yourself too much.

I can understand your confidence but frankly it's overdone and overrated.

Right now, I am so utterly revolted by you.

EVERYTHING YOU DO RIGHT NOW MAKES

ME NAUSEOUS TO THE FUCKING BONE.

freshfreshfresh.

Parties Parties Parties.

I am such a procrastinator, it's not even funny. I need to focus but I am still bewildered by all the events of yesterday/friday. Ohman. What to do? What to do? I think I need to lighten up my blog. It's really depressing. And I know I created this to dump all my teen angst, frustration, depression, predicaments, questions, infatuations, dreams, wishes, hopes and all that shindig but I think I'm going to use it more often instead of just whenever I just need to vent. Plus, I think I need to start adding pictures and such 'cause it seems a bit bland. 

Oh yeah, the pic on the right that's Nichola and I. Totally trashy at best. Plus, NERDIFY. I gotta say we both look extra phitty there! I can't believe her hair was MASSIVE yesterday. And Nat had a stellar faux hawk which by the way, she wore to soccer today and used way too much hairspray! God, taking off my make-up was such a bitch but it was totes worth it! And I was extremely tired from the dance party I didn't even bother taking a shower 'till this morning. I know it's gross, trust me I know. 'Cause I woke up feeling super disgusting and it took large amounts of conditioner just to get all the fucking hairspray out! I honestly wish I had more days like that where I could get all glammed up and where the most outrageous things and feel amazing. I was defs, trying to pull off an Audrey Kitching. HAHAHA. Well my theme was "Trashy Life" after all. Plus, "LAHBRAIC." 

To Do List

- finish history essay

- send it to laura for review

- study for bio

- get pics for photo together to hand in

- START MY FUCKING GRAD TRANSITIONS

- ask Mrs. Park for reference letter

- get Art Portfolio together

- have tea/coffee with Ginstah

- go to more dance parties

- get fake ID before January

- 50 hold on, 50 let go of him

- write every day

- reconnect with old friends

- apples

- apples x 2

- hang out with lucia & manderz soon

- BUY MANDERZ HER FREAKING BDAY + X-MAS GIFT!

- breathe

- if still infatuated ask Nat; don't be scared + no more hesitating

- CONCENTRATE

OKAY. MUST FOCUS. NOW.

Seventeen, Fridays, Dance Parties, Trashy Life, Fresh Starts, Teenage Love.

So a lot has happened.

I finally got the courage to ask Nat about her

thought on the whole her brother & me situation.

She was wondering when I would ask her.

She told me honestly, personally, it wouldn't work

out because she doesn't think he's comfortable with

the idea of him dating his sister's best friend, two,

he's tried going out with his twin sister's friends and he

hated it even though they were the same age, three, she

doesn't think he'd go out with someone older not because

he's really "traditional" but somewhere along there and four,

i am much too mature for him. So she said it'd probably work

out when he's in Gr. 12 or older because right now he's much

too immature for me, she says.

Honestly, I wasn't really disappointed. I don't know why?

Maybe something just clicked inside my heart. As if the pieces

just fit right, finally, perfectly. 

And I am quite astounded by myself because my heart doesn't

really ache at all?

And I remember Nichola's words saying that even though things

don't work out, look how much you've surprised yourself in this.

And well, it's true. I totally went out of my comfort zone for him

and did things I wouldn't have even expected myself to do, so I must

say I am quite proud.

And I have to say, my heart is feeling less heavy and the awkward

tension has dispersed, the elephant is gone. I think all of them are.

But Friday killed me a bit.

I saw him later on that day...omygod. It was so hard trying to not 

talk to him but then again he ends up talking to me no matter how hard

I tried to avoid him. I remember the way he face lights up every time I'm

in his presence, how for some odd reason he always say hi to me, and his

friends do too and they don't pay very much attention to Nichola.

He told me how Nat told him I knew how to use photoshop so he asked

if I could do his myspace layout and banner and such for his band and I agreed.

Later, I was playing my party mix for Nat and "There's A Party In Your Bedroom"

by Cash Cash came on and he's like hey! I love this song. [I knew that of course.]

It was quite funny because for an hour I was helping both Nat and him decide

what to wear for their events that they were attending. He seemed to go on

for my approval more than Nat's. I don't know, that kid is damn iffy.

But I enjoy his presence. Oh yeah, Nat and I were fiddling around with my

polaroid camera and she went into his room with my nerd glasses and camera

and was all like POPPARAZZI! POPPARAZZI! And he was like WTF! It was

quite funny. Then, Nat asked to take a pic of him and he's like I'm not going

to take it by myself! Kendahl has to be in it! (So that is a bit questioning.)

So we did and he did an Alex Gaskarth typed pose and I did my whole "weasel" face.

So, I'm going to stick with my theory that I think there will always be something

between us whether we care to admit it or not. I know it has potential but we're

both scared, feeling prohibited and a bit perplexed. Questioning.

And you know what?

I'm okay with that.

Also, I turned seventeen yesterday! It was awesome. My birthday party went well.

We all got our hair & make-up done. Everyone looked incredibly stunning. I can't get

over it. We then had a photoshoot; individuals, group photos. It was epic!

I went all trashy-life. That was my theme. Everyone had to be "lahbraic." And

everyone managed to pull it off! And afterwards, it was probably 12 am and a bunch

of us wanted to go to a party and we knew there was a dance party that was happening

but it was +19 so... because we have connections my friend Nina managed to call the

guy who was taking photos to try and get us in. Also, that boy totally fancies Nina which

is really funny. We were all a bit scared because none of us were 19 and none of us had

fake IDs. Also, Nina and Nichola both could pull of being 19 but Sarah and I, definitely not.

When we got there we were let in automatically! They didn't even ID us at all! It was awesome.

We were so stoked we got in, we danced and let loose. We decided not to drink just 'cause

we knew bad news would occur, mainly if I did people would have to babysit me and that

wouldn't be coo' at all. 

Highlights:

- Sarah getting offered E, it was hilarious

- Boy with the nerd glasses being extra cute and dancing with us

- Boy with nerd glasses leaving and then coming back to dance with us &

looking at us for approval; we just smiled at him

- Kane taking a bajillion photos of Nina

- Nina having a mini photoshoot with Kane and totally loving it, despite the

fact she totally denied it

- Nichola getting lick by a 30 year old and getting asked to go back to his parent's house after

- NO GRINDFEST, NO SLUTFEST

- People just chillin' and dancing

- Everyone complimenting our make-up and hair

- Staying out 'till 3 am

- Trying to get a cab

- Feeling older 

My night went super well! I still can't believe we got in it was so fucking epic!

And it was EXACTLY what I wanted to do after my birthday party, because we just

looked so phitty! 

So that's that.

I see good things coming my way.

note to self: control; you have control over today no one else can tell

you how to make your own decisions, you have the ability to decide what you will do next.

acceptance; accept who you are, yourself entirely. you can't change that.

accept your scars, your past, accept your beauty, your personality, your style, your music.

accept what happens even when you are scared, even when you fall.

new beginnings, that's all i have to say.

I have so many reasons to be frustrated with her.

The term "best friend" doesn't come often,

I hate how it categorizes people into something more significant,

how to certain people it only means one person.

I have many, but two of them just hold more 

important to me than others.

I love her, dearly I really do.

But I feel like the ONE time I need her she isn't there for me.

After countless times of being there for her,

she can't do it for me.

And the disappointment is sinking in my heart.

And I cannot fathom why this is so.

And I am not surprised if she is discreetly mad at me.

I don't see any legit reason why she would be except,

maybe the fact Nichola and I hang out more. 

I can understand if she feels a bit excluded,

but here's my explanation:

There's this awkwardness that lingers between us,

I suppose this strange tension has grown...maybe

now I see it has transformed into an elephant

because now it prohibits me from mentioning

certain things around you. Especially about J.

But I know that it's uncomfortable because

he's your brother, I can see how you would

rather avoid that conversation. But this

tension just makes me unable to say the things

I wish you could hear. I don't know how this

happened, I don't know why I feel distant or

vice versa. I don't know how we got here.

But it's here. It's happened. 

I suppose it's because in previous times,

I've tried telling you things but your reaction

wasn't what I was expecting...most of the time

you dismiss what I have to say, even what Nichola

has to say. 

In other times, you have been a great friend you

have been there for me but you have never really

showed any interest in my [life]. Especially when

it comes to fancying people, you usually say okay or

say something I already know and then start a new

dialogue about something revolving around you.

I just feel as if I have done so so so much for you,

I love you unconditionally, care for you unconditionally,

yet the one time I needed you most you just let me fall.

Perhaps, you didn't really see it, maybe I didn't scream

louder for you to hear my pain but I am extremely sure

you could hear my suffering over the phone...even when I

was trying to hide it I knew you knew yet you failed to

fucking help me.

I don't know.

I don't want to be angered with you but it just hurt.

You bruised a part of me.

I feel used.

And broken.

Taken advantage of.

I can understand if you have your own quandaries to

deal with before you can deal with mine, I know it's hard

to have to face your own predicaments and when they engulf

you and you want to help someone else but you can't because

they've consumed you entirely.

But now I'm left, short of words.

And I lay the blame on you because Nat, you let me drown.

andiwishitwasn'tlikethis,butitis.

my heart hurts.

i don't know what to believe anymore.

what happens now?

i want to believe the words that grace

your lips.

i want to tell you exactly how i feel.

i want to be in your arms.

i want to be the girl you write songs about.

i want to mean something to you.

and i know all these things are possible

but i'm holding back somehow...

i'm afraid.

and it scares me how you've been reading my mind lately,

with songs and lyrics. 

your status explains exactly how i feel about you.

but you don't know that, maybe you'll never know that.

i can't think properly.

and it's annoying how i think about you constantly.

i want to tell you.

so badly.

you don't even know.

but i can't do it.

i'm too afraid.

i guess you'll never know...

how i really feel.

I fucking wish my parents would SHUT THE FUCK UP

AND STOP FUCKING TRYING TO CONTROL MY LIFE.

Even though the weather is shitty,

Even though I feel depressed and frustrated,

Even though my parents are putting more pressure on me,

Even though I am failing bio,

Even though I have done nothing productive for the past 2 days,

Even though my friends are being angsty,

Even though I get scared,

Even though I doubt myself,

Even though I am surrounded my ignorance and insecurities,

I can't help but smile.

He freaking did a cover of "Dear Maria (Count Me In)" for me.

Okay, so it's not as amazing as having a song written about you,

but hey it works for me and it's one of my favourite songs by

one of my favourite bands and HE freaking did it for me.

See, even though I mentioned it to him he didn't have to

go out of his way, waste 4 minutes of his life recording it for me,

and he did.

So today for once, I'll trust my instincts.

And my heart tells me he probably does fancy me.

The process is slow but it's building up and I think

in the near future something will happen...

oh, pictures of possibilities.

they are so enticing.

my heart is open,

and will end,

so take it.