heartache is hell.

this is how you made me feel:

i forgot how pain works. how it eats at your insides. the way depression speaks normality. how frustration burns in your skull and anger fills you up at the toes. it sucks. it all fucking hurts. its funny when you've felt happiness for what feels like a long period of time you forget how much affliction hurts, how it affects you in such a way you didn't even know parts of you could feel such pain. what an awful state of mind.

i've spent the last week experiencing such a profound sadness i haven't felt in forever. it felt like october tripled by a million. it felt like being 15 walking into that hospital with razorblade arms. it felt like all the dark times laying on the bathroom floor, crying my eyes out because i felt so unbelievably stuck and trapped by the chaos. i couldn't escape myself. these feelings. this situation. him. the last couple of days have been spent in isolation, allowing myself to feel even though i detest this but sometimes you need to cry. you need to hurt, you need to feel all this agony. and i have never been so terrified in my life, so afraid of slipping. there were moments where i knew exactly where all the sharp objects were in my house and i could see them in my mind and that lingering temptation to grab them and make a laceration was unbearable. but this time, i had all the utensils to help me through. it was a war against myself. this time, i decided to not let it encompass me and eat me alive, i did the one thing i always fear: ask for help. i allowed myself to display my vulnerability in front of everyone, even though its scary letting yourself be publicly shown in such weakness. i let myself talk about it with others, help me through this process. i wasn't afraid of tears, showing scars. but this was all so difficult, and at first i wasn't handling the situation well at all considering it had affected my wardrobe and i only wore black, it sounds absurd but i am a person who kind of detonates color but it was inevitable.

i blamed you for making me feel like this, i hated you, i made the decision to never talk or see you again. i wanted you to be eliminated from my life entirely. i saw you as selfish because you knew exactly what my feelings towards you were, i made it clear there was no ambiguity when it came to displaying my affection and yet you were always reciprocating with mixed signals. you'd say one thing, yet your actions would convey another. such a contradiction. i'm angry at the fact you refuse to ever take initiative, how your goddamn timidness affects the situation entirely, your actions completely. it creates walls for you and it disallows you to express what REALLY is on your mind. i hate how if being all flirtatious is part of your natural character it is EXTREMELY misleading. you don't hold hands with your best friend, i'm sorry. i hate that your fears and insecurities prevent you from taking risks, from taking a chance on me.

yet at the same time i still care for you and i still want you in my life. i want to have conversations with you like how we did that night, even though it hurt, even though you took away my happiness. that conversation meant something to me, at least parts of it. i know i have a good friend in you but this is all too complicated and my heart and my mind are at constant battle with each other. i can't make up my mind about you, indecision at best.




it just hurts to want you.

torn.

i don't feel like explaining myself. but all i know is that i haven't felt this depressed or frustrated or angry in a really long time. and my god, this deathly combination of emotions, i forgot how awful this feels. i am completely vulnerable. i didn't know this would hurt this much. i thought i could handle myself, everyone thought i could handle this but i guess i can't. i keep going over the situation over and over again and nothing makes sense. i want to figure this out, i want to process this, i want to move on, i want to be able to be fearless, to be happy again. to see you without being scared. to talk to you but i can't. i can't do any of this right now. and tuesday night keeps replaying the same scene, like a broken record. i did not want to end 2009 or start 2010 like this. this wasn't supposed to happen. i was suppose to be happy.

all the words that fell from your lips keep echoing in the perimeters of my skull. i don't understand this. i didn't know i meant that much to you. i didn't know you couldn't breathe without me but you are too afraid to move forward. you can't do this. you are terrified. if this is what heartache is supposed to feel like it feels like drowning in hell. i know i still want you in my life and i know you still want me in yours but i don't know if i can do this. its too hard. knowing the attraction is still there, knowing i am always // still goddamn emotionally attached. i am doing everything in my power to heal but i can't even lie this hurts so much. i am willing to sacrifice my feelings for the sake of our friendship. but i don't even know. i'm usually the one with all the answers, i've come so far in this and returning to old ways has never felt so appropriate. the temptation is killing me so badly. the skin on my wrists are begging to feel. but i know i am stronger than this. i can't let my demons win. next month will make it a year. i am so fucking close but this feels impossible. is it possible to realize you may have potentially loved someone so much that even though they bring out your best, they make your heart smile, they make you feel infinite when you are within their presence that you have to let them go? you have to detach yourself even though you can't breathe without them, even though they can't breathe without you you have to let them go.

i am so torn inside and out.










but raffiki, i will love you always.