compulsion.

i'm not even going to try and deny that this hurts, maybe a bit too much. but only when i'm in my own solitude. when no one else is in the room. or perhaps even when everyone is busy talking to one another and i decide to ignore the current conversation, or the laughter or moment and i become alone with my thoughts. the quietness. the want. the need. the longing. and its not coming back that feeling. euphoria. passion. happiness. all encompassed within a memory stored in the past. and you can't rewind. that button doesn't exist. and it never will. so we agree with acceptance. we try and look truth in the eye but deep down it breaks you. destroy the feeling. the knowing. the reality. because prevarications tend to speak such ease and eloquence. and we'd all prefer to hear all the fucking lies and swallow denial by the capsule because let's face it, the truth fucking sucks.

funny thing is, in some strange, twisted way i wanted you to break my [heart.] i did. i did. i did. somehow i knew it from the get go. and i am always rebelling against my intuition. impulsivity could be an addiction. being adventurous and reckless and not holding back, even when you SHOULD, on rare occasions it can spark something beautiful and amazing but for the most part its detrimental but i guess this is how i learn. this is how i am. risking it all. but for what? to feel? comfort? temporary. i am lost within my own mind. compulsions.

this will take some time just like any other situation. i'll let myself feel and cry. question. rewind the memories. going over what i did wrong and what i didn't do or what i should've done. breathing. but i know you have emotional baggage, and i know we all do. and i know you carry a heavy heart, even though i find it lovely. but you'll never know that. and there's no point in having dialogue when it isn't reciprocal. so the line's dead. conversation over. and even though i may question everything in its entirety i have to let it go. i think this is the one lesson i've been struggling with my entire life. and i'm not saying this is easy. this hurts. and i just have to move on and perhaps in the future our paths will cross again but for now on a brighter note, at least it was fun and spontaneous and we had some chance. and you're not a terrible person, just like every human being in this world i have no control over anyone's actions and feelings, except my own.

as much as the truth hurts, it never hurt to be too hopeful. we all learn, acceptance.

reoccurrence.

i feel awful. i'm sick as fuck. my SAD // depression is overwhelming me. you have nothing to say. the boy at school i fancy is now in a relationship. i don't want to go back to school. and i just feel extremely stupid and selfish. i don't know what real is anymore and i don't know how to repair myself today.

i guess i'm also just really distressed that tomorrow marks my one year and i should be happy and celebrating but there is something so raw, so intriguing and strangely appealing about being so broken. about having scars. being a tragedy. i don't know. i feel like someone ripped out my heart and decided to be inconsiderate and ruthless and keep it for themselves. and now all there is is that fucking giant, dark, empty abyss. what the fuck am i supposed to do with that? i get too attached and i hate myself for it. i care too much. i'm too hopeful. i believe in things to convince myself its for the better or that somehow by some miracle things will change and i'll be happy. but fuck it all i don't know what i want, i don't know anymore. i don't want to be in school, i want to just work and make art and do my own thing. i don't like the environment at my school, the majority is pretentious but i know they're just insecure and broken too. i don't feel safe.

i just wish for once someone could understand my heart and keep it and cherish it and care for it and know that i'm not the easiest person to handle. love me with all my ugly scars and flaws. but i always want what i can't have and all the boys that want me i don't want and all the boys i want don't want me.

there's this reoccurring theme in my life, that all the guys i keep falling for end up being misleading. and i always think its going to work out and somehow along the way it falls apart and i just end up getting disappointed and hurt. i've accepted the fact that the potential of me being single for the rest of my life is definite. and this reoccurring theme is nothing short of detrimental to my self-esteem. i could drown in the amount of doubts and insecurities these situations conjure. i'm tired of all of this. tired of always getting hurt in the end. tired of finding someone and then learning that they get bored of me or get scared or some pathetic reason i don't want to hear. i'm always this 3 second thing to everyone. i'm never enough. i'm your fucking booty call at 4 am. everyone's just lusting. and if they aren't they're confused and are being pansies and can't even date, and i don't even want a label or be in a relationship. i'm everyone's temporary fix. because nobody cares. no one gives a fucking shit about the way they decide to handle my heart. so go ahead trash it, cut it, beat it, kick it, rip it, burn it, eat it, smash it, destroy it. and it'll take me a good amount of time to recollect all the pieces, tape it back together and somehow find some good enough adhesive to keep it from shattering all over again.

i keep thinking its me but i know its not me. i can't control how people feel or the way they act. i just want to believe that love is possible and that's all anyone really wants is to be loved.

whatever it is you need to figure out, whatever it is that's hurting, whatever it is that's stopped our communication, i'm okay with it, even if its over, even if it was temporary, spontaneous, short. i'm okay with it.

because there is so much life right now and there are so many opportunities finding their way into my strange reality that getting depressed and frustrated over this is just a waste of time. and even though you're still somehow stuck at the back of my mind i'm still going to live and dance and get reckless and kiss other lips because i'm still free.

i want to have conversations.

i don't want to just kiss you.

or have sex with you.

i want to just lay down right beside you.

hold my hand.

and fall asleep.

or not even sleep.

but talk.

whisper sweet nothings.

breathe.

to have someone listen to my heart,

and understand it.

and know i am not the easiest person to handle.

but if you can figure out my heart and head.

then i am yours.

and i guess that scares me.

having someone figure me out.

because i reside in mystery and illusions and wonderment.

i like being dark and twisty sometimes.

keeping thousands of secrets inside me.

i'll make you go crazy.

and i know i already have.

when you asked me what i was thinking and i just looked at you.

that so-called charm of mine.

to hold such power within minutes or seconds.

and all i did was just stare into your eyes and bite my lip.

and it drove you mad.

i'll never tell what i was thinking of.

but i'm sure you have me figured out.

but i'll play along with being sinister until the day i die.

"stay in the middle."

my head hurts. my heart hurts. everything always seems to hurt. its hard staying in the middle. but its the safest place to be. not too closed, not too opened. either ends lead to destruction. with anything you can't force it to happen, i've been learning that. i've been learning patience, its a constant lesson for me. i'm always adrenaline hungry. i live for fast times. i live for movie moments. for reckless nights and contemplative mornings. for coffee conversations and concerts and days and nights that make me feel alive. i think though at times i get lost in the amusement of it all and i get out of control. a good friend of mine mentioned how i have an addictive personality. i never thought i did until he pointed out how lately i've been getting fucked up every weekend, drugs, alcohol, partying, piercings, tattoos. so i'm going on a cleanse for a bit and i feel like i'm in fucking rehab // on probation // in quarantine. i don't mind that everyone is being so caring but is it really necessary for everyone to be this overprotective?

i told my friend that i'd go on a bit of cleanse. that alcohol can suck it. that pot isn't a drug. i've only done MDMA 3 times. tattoos are symbolic and piercings are nice. he laughed. at least i have the next week to look forward to. my cousin or rather my really good family friend is visiting from montreal, i can't wait to see her! and waking up to the sunshine every morning creates a calmness within me. of course i'm procrastinating still but right now i need to focus on clearing the air. rid my atmosphere of toxicity.

if things are meant to happen they will happen on their own time. one of my cousins said something really significant to me last week and i've been holding on to it ever since. i asked him how the fuck do you stop overanalyzation // overthinking? and he said it's simple, you learn to accept the fact that you always will, and eventually you learn to deal with it instead. until you are completely comfortable with a person you are always going to over think and overanalyze every detail that's life, you have to be willing to give it time. he also mentioned that if something is worthwhile you will be willing to wait.

sometimes i forget how wise my guy cousin is even though he says really absurd things about love and relationship but he means well. i take it all to heart. and so far today, i'm not overanalyzing, awaiting your reply. if anything, today i am reminded of all the wonderful people i have in my life and that i know great things are beginning to happen and will happen. i don't have all the pieces, and i'm imperfect just like everyone else but i feel at ease with myself and everything so far in my life. and even when listening to sad songs sung by Dallas Green i can't help but smile at all the beauty there is in life and my achievements. i am so close to 1 year without SI-ing and its a pretty goddamn amazing feeling.

bring me your love.

3 am epiphany.

two blogs in one night, i have so much to say.

adam and i haven't spoken in almost two months, there was that one particular weekend when i did want to talk to him but it didn't work out. i had moved on and found someone new, or rather a couple people. i knew he was broken, i knew he was empty, i knew he was nothing without me. i know i didn't wanted it to end the way it did, i always believed in us, not just talking about together as something more but as raffikis.

he texted me 5 days ago with this:

Hey Lahbs, I just wanna say if there's ever a time we can be raffikis again I'd really work to make it happen. Like, I understand that might never be possible, and I guess I can accept that, but I meant everything I said about how much I loved spending time with you, and I miss it.

And I probably should have phoned to say this but I guess I just really needed to gather my words and say what I needed to say right.

i cried so hard when i received this and minutes after steve had just left. how is it that when you move on from something or someone they always come back to you? at least that's been reoccurring in my life. a lot of peculiar faces have been returning and its interesting and scary and intriguing. i know he cares, i know i meant a lot to him and i don't hate him as much as i said i did. i could never hate, that's the thing about me. i don't believe in hate, i don't believe in holding grudges. i believe in disliking people but even then i know people are great, we all have souls and we all have negative qualities. we're human. i keep re-reading the message over and over again and i know i want to talk to him but its that barricade of fear, again. the anxiety of seeing him and having all those feelings resurface is what scares me. but somehow there was a voice in the silence at almost 3 am telling me i need to clear the air, that in order for things to move forward i need to fight for this, i need to pull through this. i need to do this. i just don't know how to respond, i don't know all the right words, what are the right words anyway? the thing is, everyone knows i still care about him i always did even when he broke me apart, even though i said i hated him i still loved him. and a part of me always will i think. there are just particular people who you're drawn to and somehow they leave a permanent mark on your heart, no matter what they do to you. and i guess that's what it's like with adam. i do believe i loved him even though we weren't in a relationship, even though it wasn't cliche and structured but i've never abided to rules, anyway.

so here it goes, doing something i fear even though there may be tears i'm terrified to the bone but you fight for the people you love and he is one of them.

control.

i've been neglecting writing for so long, its as if i'm scared to let out my thoughts and everything that i feel. i've never been one to fail to express myself but somehow i can't seem to do it these days. i can't get my thoughts out on paper, not even on napkins or a few short words to summarize just how i feel in this moment, in that moment.

i stay up too late, trying to be productive, almost convincing myself to create something, to do my homework, to read, to write, anything but then i just become alone with my thoughts. really, the idea and knowingness of being completely alone with my thoughts scares me. i'm becoming terrified of my own solitude. i'm subjecting to this constant want of needing someone else to be there with me. this is why i hate fancying people, its such an ordeal. i get too attached as much as i hate to deny it i do. if someone pays attention to me and i actually begin to fancy them i become obsessive and stupid. i overanalyze the shit out of everything and its just a huge mindfuck, really. i get terrified all the time of being really close to someone, someone that is not a friend or family. the thing is, i can love people in terms of family and friends and unconditionally but when it comes to [loving] a significant other i can't seem to allow myself to. i want to but i can't. i've realized i'm actually fucking scared shitless of being in a relationship because the idea of giving someone my all, the idea of someone fancying me that much, wanting to hang out with me that much, caring about me that much and thinking of me that much scares me. as much as i want it, i'm absolutely and ridiculously and absurdly terrified of being in love. whatever that's even supposed to mean.

i thought it was strange and odd at first when you texted me every day and were interested in me. the way you were way too blunt about it and how you would boldly lay out your feelings in these short, incoherent, abbreviated text messages. i actually did fancy them, they kinda made me feel special for that period of time that someone was actually interested in me. i feel like the most incredibly foolish and absurd girl on this planet that just can't seem to comprehend nor see why people would take an interest in me. i guess i just find myself too weird for people. i've kinda half accepted the fact i'll be single for the rest of my life, moreso convinced myself of that. i have too many ideas. illogical mindsets. for instance, i feel as if it is impossible for someone to [love] me because i'm too out of control and crazy for them. all in all its just my fears and insecurities. i'm scared of being broken again. heartache is probably one of the most worst feelings i've ever experienced and its ludicrous 'cause rejection isn't even a part of the fear.

i don't want to believe i'm just a 3 second thing to you. i think i'm just overanalyzing and mindfucking myself over because you haven't texted me in a couple days and you said you'd come with me to alexisonfire but you never texted or showed up. i guess i just expect too much. my brain hurts. my heart hurts. i don't know how to feel properly. i don't understand the science of boys and the bizarre things they do to you. the way the affect you in (in)significant ways. how the tiniest acts provoke feelings you've never experience or thoughts that appear nonsensical.

i keep telling myself over and over again to let it go. let it be. that i have to be patient with this. that i have to accept the fact that overanalyzation is always going to be a part of being human but not to overreact and overthink the current situation. i keep looking at the word inked into my skin above my left hipbone, "control." i have no control over his actions or his feelings, i have no control over anyone's decisions, actions or emotions except my own. that's hard for me to accept but its a reminder that only i have control over my own life.

so whatever it is, whatever reason he has for no communication i have to let it go. perhaps he's dealing with things he doesn't want to tell me, or things needing to be resolved. whatever it is even if this may be the end of this, even if this was just a 3 second thing i have to let it go. let it be.

note to self: you are pretty, you are beautiful, don't sell yourself short. you have ideas. you have imagination. you have creativity in your veins. acknowledge your full potential because you will do amazing things. you need to believe in yourself, believe in the things that you call important. and if this is meant to be then this is meant to be. you have no control over this. just love yourself every day. embrace your flaws. embrace the fear. great things are going to happen, always remember to hold hands with the unexpected no matter how painful or frightening it is.

"it's all happening."

in fear and faith.

all i know right now is that i'm terrified out of my fucking skin. but you're so goddamn enticing.

i've only known you for fourteen days but i feel the connection. the attraction. i just want to know your heart and i just want you to know mine. i guess i just fancy the comfort of another human body laying down next to mine. i like your hair and your pretty blue eyes. your ridiculously appealing smile that always seems to find a way to melt away all fears. your lip ring. your stretched ears. your chest tattoo of a human heart with three scars. you know its my favourite, and what it signifies and what it means to you makes a shift within me. i like your unexpected personality, such a contrast to your alternative exterior. but i love oxymorons. i like your cheesyness even though i never know how to filter it. i like how you make me feel pretty. i like how you notice the details that everyone seems to neglect. i like your weird screamo music. i like how you drive an hour and half just to come see me. your incoherent, misspelled, abbreviated text messages. the absurd amount of smiley and winking-faced emoticons we use. the cheesy cute messages evolving into suggestive sexy texts. haha. the insanely overwhelming chemistry. i like kissing you. i don't mind your hands all over my body. the way your lips travel down to my hipbones. how this alarmingly feels safe.

you give me something new. you're letting me explore. you're letting me see new lands. and i feel as if this is a big shift in my life but i'm okay with it, as much as it evokes a panic within me i try and not let disheartening insecurities and fears get the best of me. i guess i'm just frightened because of how much i'm falling for you in such a short period of time but these thrills are enchanting and you're my latest addiction.