patience is everything.

to be honest, i have no idea what i'm doing. i don't know how to go about this, i don't know what direction to take but all i know is i want to feel something real. i know i'm the most impatient person ever and part of me tells me to just wait this out a little longer but i'm losing interest and i don't know how much longer i can endure this. i'm just as afraid as you are but if anything i'm trying to live for the moments spent with you. i know we contrast tremendously, and we're almost complete opposites and everyone says i can do better and that i need to move on but i want to see what will happen. i need to know if this has a chance. i'm so exhausted of breaking hearts and letting opportunities slip though my fingers. i need to believe in this. i have to.

the brave thing about it all is i've accepted both sides of the situation. whatever happens happens. i think the hardest part is having no control over this, and generally i need to be but i need to learn to let it be. so far, i have to say i'm pretty proud of myself for not letting doubts get to me, for not letting all the incertitude and fear that come with the anatomy of boys. i'm not even thinking about all the pretty girls that are after you, or the ones that you desire, how maybe you could fancy someone else and perhaps that's one reason why you're afraid. no, i will not let these anxieties get to me.

i know its been almost 2 weeks since i've announced the proposition and i still don't have an answer, and yes its a bit absurd with all this waiting but i hope i hope its worth it. and i know your timidness takes hold of this. lately, there have been days, moments where i don't care anymore and i won't to give up on this, that somehow i manage to convince myself that this isn't worth it anymore but perhaps this is a slow process. that things don't always revolve around immediacy, and perhaps sometimes all you can do is trust time and let everything unfold itself naturally. even if it hurts. even if it means risking your feelings.

so maybe this is a new beginning, a lesson i've always had such a hard time learning and understanding: letting go. so i'm throwing all the frustration all the agitation all the obscurity all the apprehension and impatience into the fire. they have no use for me. only annoyance and unbearable eagerness.

and i'm not listening to what everyone else says, my heart knows whats best and can't even deny the fact that the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.

truth is i'm the epitome of all things broken, chaotic, a rebellious dreamer. a beautiful chaos. i am an oxymoron at best. i get out of control, i love dance parties and i like sex, drugs and rock n' roll. i don't give a shit what anyone thinks or says about me, i've constructed a pretty stable exterior that allows me to accept the opinions of others, to know what i stand for, i am made of passion and love for art and music and all things damaged. my heart is constantly expanding, my love for everything is infinite. i get too controlling and obsessive at times, i over-analyze and sometimes i get too engulfed by my demons or the problems of others. i'm extremely impulsive and dangerously spontaneous. i care too much about things beyond my control, i cry really easily - if something is inspiring, if i relate to it, a song, a good book, a movie, something cute, or when i feel pain or other people's pain. i'm all over the place and i constantly need to be moving, i've got more than 50 bookshelves of stories from the past that i don't exactly like uncovering. i carry physical and mental scars every day but i am stronger now. i know who i am now but i'm still learning new things about myself every day.

you are the epitome of pure, of righteousness and prudence. you indulge in timidness, even though i know you can be loud. you're responsible and cautious. you're intellectual, studious and disciplined. you rely on structure most of the time. you're obeying and respectful. you enjoy being challenged and working things out. you're sensible and thoughtful. you're absolutely adorable. i like your hair and your cute smile, the way you're incredibly passionate about music, how you live for it. how you aspire to attain your goals or whatever it is that needs to be done. how you value my opinion and the fact that i know that i do inspire you in some way. i like how you listen to me and do things for me even though they don't speak familiarity to you, how somehow i spark some sort of rebellion in you. how it takes you a shitload of courage to actually hold my hand and i know you're scared shitless. the best is just being in your presence and seeing your smile.

so here it goes for the millionth time, letting go and having patience by my side. this is all i can do. and writing all that out made me rethink the situation. i do believe in this and i do believe in you and us. time is all i have. time is all i can wear around my neck for now. and for now, i'll keep encompassing myself in hopeful tunes and the serenity of owl city and lights just because i know how much you love them.

please know your heart before you begin to sing.

its 5 am, i may be considered insane but....


WEDNESDAY, I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE BUT I JUST MAY FREAKING KISS YOU. OKAY?


x

i don't know the first thing about love.

there is something wrong with me.

i should be freaking out, panicking because i have a 6 page essay due in 6 hours and a final but i'm not worried at all. i don't know why i've got so much damn optimism flowing through me. i'm not completely saying its a bad thing but it just seems like i should be focusing but my mind is always somewhere else.


i'm not even sure what i want out of this - this whole thing with Adam. i feel bipolar and i don't know if he's really in this. i'm letting him be, i haven't asked him what his answer is, i'm not enforcing anything. even with the attraction, i still feel like we're good friends. at the same time, i'm impatient because i'm one of those people that needs something to be instantaneous, time isn't really an option for me and i need to know the truth, that i didn't just fuck up a really good friendship. i need confirmation. and i think what's pushing me away a bit is the anticipation and how things are slow and nothing is really moving. i'm kind of tired of this pendulum action. sometimes things are still but sometimes me always having to take initiative to start a conversation is getting annoying and mundane for me. i'm losing interest because i know that i do want him to be something more but if he's not in this, he's wasting my time. although, i do have to give him credit for today because he did text me first (yes, i do pay attention to these things despite the fact i may seem a little bit obsessive) and it was cute but i don't know.

all i can do is wait for wednesday, if wednesday ever even gets here because i can waste time like there's no other but when i just think of him, it feels like eons and it drives me insane.


this is it basically. i like you a lot, and i don't think you understand what the frik you do to me. i like how we listen to the same music, how we both love Alex Gaskarth to the extent that we'd probably both end up marrying him haha, how you're passionate about music and you put your entire heart and soul into it, how you play guitar and learn random songs that i like because you know its a way of impressing me, how you sing even though i know you kind of suck, how you wear tight jeans and converses and band tees, how your hair is just so goddamn nice and you actually let me touch // play with it (hey some guys get all anal about their hair), how you take my advice -- even though sometimes i know you do it because you know i like that characteristic in a guy, how you make me laugh and we can say the stupidest things to each other and it won't matter, how we actually have a friendship to establish this on, how you subtly do certain gestures when you're with me even though it takes you a while to actually act upon it, how you listen to me when i need to vent, how you listen to my stories even though you don't understand them, how you tease me, how we share a love for dance parties and mosh pits, how you honestly confessed you're an inner disney child and watch JONAS & listen to them, how you know my style, how you let me dress you, how your focused and you know what you want, how you're so freaking intellectual it amazes me i forget how old you are sometimes, how you put up with my recklessness and think its funny even though you know i'm embarrassed, how you bring out my best and the fact that my heart is always smiling so big when you're around and my favourite, how we call each other raffiki (friend in swahili) and it means more to me than anything in the world knowing you are my friend.

and i sound like a crazy teenager in "love" or something but i think thats the only way to sum myself up right now.

let it be.

i don't know the first thing about love. i understand it in the context of music and art, the things i'm passionate about, friends and family but never for one particular individual. this is a challenge i've been struggling with lately. this whole idea about "love" what does it even mean? i find it to be so incredibly abstract, i don't think there is even a fair explanation for it because everyone's interpretation of it is different and i think it is something you can only understand for yourself once you've experienced it.

you didn't show yesterday but i know it wasn't your fault. of course my heart sank, of course i tried persuading you, of course a bunch of consonants and vowels stringed together trying to sound completely fine in text message is a lie. but somehow even though i was disappointed, i can't help but feel that i know you wanted to be there. the way your lengthy messages spoke frustration and anger. it was funny though, how i got jenny really drunk and she drunkenly texted you saying "adam, you have to come! kendahl really wants you to be there." (to be honest, i was really embarrassed and shocked she did that. but it was worth it.) he replied with "i know, i really want to be there too, i'm trying everything i can to go." i know these words weren't said out loud or in person but i couldn't help but feel at ease with this, because its proof he really cares and i know how much music means to him. whether it was to have a dance party or just feel alive with the music or to see me, it doesn't matter because all i know is that he tried and gave effort and he cares. and perhaps this extreme anticipation is killing me inside, i know its for the best because i need to learn to be patient. i need to learn to let go of things. i need to not expect things. i need to just let it be.


but all that keeps floating through my mind is how he asked me "kendahl, do you love me?" as a friend, i do. as something more, i'm not sure. i just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact how blunt he said it and what he expected me to say. this is a mystery to me. i don't know what i'm getting myself into, i don't know what i'm doing but all i know is that i like him. a lot. and i feel so crazy and i feel like every time i think about my proposition i get scared, then angry, then sad, then happy. i don't know how to feel but this driving me insane. but all i can do is put my faith into the future, and hope that it'll take care of everything because that is all i can do. i have no control over this.


i don't know, i feel crazy but maybe, potentially i may be in love with you. and that fucking scares me.

risk it all.

yesterday was the Stereos concert, they just had to compensate for the lack of pop punk gigs in my life right now. we were trying to be patient waiting for them to come on but we had to go through all the opening bands. we stood next to each other, being stupid, teasing each other, having fun, making each other laugh, fighting off LGs (little girls). then we ended befriending a couple of LGs and one of them asked me, "is that your boyfriend?" embarrassed, i say no. she says "do you like him?" and i say "i'm not sure, i guess?" and her friend chimes in and says "you guys should date." i laugh. this part of the night is kind of blurry for me just because it happened so fast, i don't think my brain even managed to process it as a whole. he was talking to some girl in the moshpit and all of a sudden he's like "Kendahl, do you love me?" COMPLETELY CAUGHT OFF GUARD, I was extremely shocked so i said "um, maybe? i don't know? perhaps? should i?" and he's like "I don't know Kendahl, I think you should." and i was like "oh...okay." and then he went back to talking to the girl and she said "you guys should date." and he's like "yeah, but she doesn't love me." and laughs. about 15 minutes later, the LGs start talking to us again and we're like "I THINK YOU GUYS SHOULD DATE." i kept laughing and this time he heard them and he's like "Kendahl, should we date?" and I was like "I don't know, I guess?" and he's like "we should." and laughs. WHAT THE HELL.

throughout the entire The Artist Life + Midway State set he had his arm around me, i could see jealous eyes and hear loud whispers of girls saying "we can't move, there's a couple there" or "he has a girlfriend." at one point he layed his head on mine and just hugged me, if someone had a camera and took a picture of that it would be the ultimate couple picture, i'm serious. of course during Stereos we had our own dance party and just went crazy. afterwards, we were on the bus and he puts his arm around me and i lay my head on his shoulder, we weren't talking just complete silence. i don't think i've ever been so nervous in my entire life, the anxiousness was so overwhelming i was shaking, my head my spinning, my heart was pulsating so fast i thought i was going to have a heart attack. i felt like i was half in his mind because i felt as if he was thinking // feeling the same way as i was. he had to get off at a different stop than me and i knew i had to say something, i had to be fearless. i could feel the words creep up in my throat and then all of sudden i said "you know whats a good idea?" and he's like "what?" and i hesitate and bite my lip and as i look down at my vibrant, hot pink doc martens i breathe the words "we should date." he looks at me and says "actually?" half shocked and half knowingly. i said "yeah, like just try it out, we don't have to put a label on it, we can just see what happens." he pauses and says "can i think about it?" and i just reply with a mundane "yeah." it was silence for 2 minutes and he says "its just that you're such an amazing friend and i don't want to jeopardize that." i nod and the rest of the ride was just silence. when it was stop he said he'd see me soon and gave me a hug.

i honestly can't believe i did that, that was probably THE MOST SCARIEST THING i've ever done in my entire life, hands down. half of me is content and proud of myself because i got the courage to say that and at least now its out there, the inevitable, fearful question floating above his head. and the other half of me feels like i fucked it up, and partially regrets it. i don't know how to feel right now, or whats right or whats wrong and lingering in anticipation is killing me. i felt like it was the right question to ask because there is an OBVIOUS ATTRACTION between us and everyone knows it, even strangers. all i can do is be patient with this. but maybe i just have to let go of everything i know, for now.


because as much as he's probably trying to untangle this situation, i'm just as terrified as he is.

Oh, and We The Kings is singing about my life.

my head is spinning 'cause of you (hey! hey! hey! hey!)
you've no clue what you do
you're the storm
let it rain
you've got eyes like a hurricane
(Hey, hey, hey, hey)
you've no clue what you do to me

------------------------------------------

the story
of your life is unwritten
so put me down as your ticket
don't even fight it

you're shaken
you're not sure of the ending
but let me be the beginning
just put it in writing

surrendering.

i know i'm not going to get anywhere if i don't take risks, if i let go of the hands of the unexpected. but i am terrified. as much as i'm falling for you badly, as much as i'm sure that you fancy me too. i am scared for the safety of my heart. i don't want it to be recycled again or torn or smashed or walked over or trashed. and i haven't felt this way in forever and i feel like i'm 15 again. everything is new, everything is enticing and you never know where this moment will lead to but maybe, i have to risk all of this right now to really feel this. and i am willing to sacrifice all this armor, all this protection, all the barriers i've built so carefully to keep my heart guarded. i'm throwing down my sword, all my defenses and surrendering myself to this attraction i have tried so hard to prevent. i am yours, take me away with all the wonders of your smile. i am terrified but i can't refute the fact that this organ beats so heavily in my chest when i think of you.