2008 is slowly coming to an end. I have to say though this year has been one of the BEST years in a long time along with it's many chaotic moments and sufferings but I survived it all! I'm honestly really excited for 09 but also a bit scared and nervous. But it'll probably be just as amazing or even better! So fingers crossed. 

New Years Eve is tomorrow. I think I'm going to Christina's and just getting drunk and playing rockband with her, Kelly and Cooper. Just a small get together. Nothing special. Although this Saturday is the dance, NIGHTIMING. I am quite excited. Dance partehhhhhhh. Yussss. It's going to be fun stuff. Hopefully there won't be a lot of LBs/LGs. Freaking a. 

3OH!3 has been stuck in my head all day. Kelly and I talked today, I'm actually quite excited to see her tomorrow since I haven't really seen her all break. Of course our conversation included The Jonas Brothers....our sad little addiction. We've decided we're going to throw a party based on "High heels, red dress" the reference to the song "Burnin' Up." Haha. Wow we are so lame. And we're super stoked for Feb. JB 3-D CONCERT/MOVIE BABYYYY!!!! Hell yeah, we're totally fighting down those vicious JB teenybopper fans. I think we're going to have to bring weapons because those fans are OUT OF CONTROL. Literally. 

p.s I kinda really fancy Mitchell Davis. haha. 

Note to self: patience. hope. smile. 

God. I miss this. My two besties are away! Although Nichola is hopefully coming back tomorrow! So I'm still trying to figure out my New Year's Eve plans. Bloody hell. Fingers crossed Christina's still having a party! 

I went to Main today and bought 2 dresses at The Front for under $50. SCORE! The snow is finally melting but that means slush. ew. Today I was walking back and I thought I could step on the road because I somehow thought it was a small puddle, which mistakenly, turned out to be the deepest puddle ever thus getting my left foot entirely enveloped by water. Awesome. Note to self: puddles can be deceiving.

I really need to get off my lazy ass and start reading 1984 for English + finish my paintings for my portfolio + update my deviantart because I still haven't posted my India pics or more of the Oxford pics. WOW. INDOLENCE AT BEST!

This is going to be a short post. Oh yeah, I am very impressed with Jac Vanek because I just found out she attends UCLA. Impressive. I want more of her bracelets. Especially "Imagine", "Believe", "Mondayeyes", "True","Love" & "Herbivore." They're pretty friggin stellar.

Today was a little bit more productive than yesterday that is all. 

p.s something that moves me:

"In this life, we get to make a lot of choices. We don't get to choose the things that break or haunt or hurt us, but maybe we get to choose how we respond and what we choose to believe in the face of those things. We get to choose to go alone or to let people in. We choose our response to pain."

- Jamie Tworkowski

I got that shirt for Christmas and I love it. God, she is too pretty for her own good. But she's really nice and shockingly petite in person! 

Well the holidays have been slow so far but I'm glad I actually have plans tomorrow. It sucks when 90 % of your friends are on vacation somewhere and you're left in fucking shitty Vancouver where it's negative 832904823904 and the weather is awful. 

Although today I do have the motivation in me to do art! And I actually read a bit of Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs. =)

So the bad news is that Christina is working New Year's Eve so she's probably not having a party hence I won't be seeing Mike. Horrible. Horrible. But somehow I still have hope...that little bit left in me that MAYBE. JUST MAYBE. [HOPEFULLY] she'll have a party just so I have an excuse to see him. Wow, I'm clearly just pathetic beyond description.

Surprisingly, though I'm not really sad? Ohwell. Life is uninteresting at the moment just living day by day. I'm obsessed with the Jac Vanek bracelets I got for X-mas. Been wearing them every day. I need to get the second part of the "Glamour Kills" one because it's suppose to say Live & Love. But I only got the Live part. Ohwell. I wore it with my "Peace" one today so it kinda works out? I love the legit one. I think it's my favourite for some reason besides "Ruthless" and "Wallflower." And I am so. so. grateful for my hot pink doc. martins 'cause they really are helping me with the winter weather --- snow & slush & all. ew. 

Oh and I purchased "The Final Riot" CD/DVD. FINALLY. Paramore is amazing beyond description. I cannot even to begin to explain how bloody epic Hayley Williams is. Freaking a. 

Oh yeah, so on x-mas Sarah gave me her journal as a gift...mainly to explain why she hasn't been completely honest with me this year and why we've been distant. It was REALLY GENEROUS and AWFULLY BRAVE of her to do such an act and I am grateful. She wrote a note at the end of her last entry explaining that these pages were her and how she is in a committed relationship with "God." She explained to me how she was scared of telling me this because she feared I would "reject" her or bluntly explaining look down on her. I know she has always been religious but I didn't realize how much this year it has pretty much consumed her and how she is extremely devoted to "God." I respect her decision, I don't think of her any less. It's just not my thing, y'know? I've tried being "religious." And it didn't help me. But now I know this is her and this is who she's become. I'm kinda at a loss for words because I really don't know what to say. It's not that I'm disappointed or offended or anything of that sort. Just I don't know, it's strange how people really commit their lives to religion. And maybe I don't believe what she believes but I still respect her. It's funny, because I used to think we were the same. We used to have a lot in common. But overtime we found our own paths and we're really different people now. Again, strange what time does to us. Really. It's something I have yet to figure out but in the mean time. I'll just watch with open eyes. 

today there is not much hope.
lethargy is a disease that brings out wasted time and depression.
the reason why i fucking hate the holidays is because there is too much
time on my hands to think.
maybe school is a nice distraction afterall.


i don't know what i want.




ormaybeijustwanthim.

Missing & Christmas..ish.

(c) mnoo.deviantart.com

[Listening to: Ships - Umbrellas]

So today was Christmas. It didn't feel like it at all. Something's weird about this year. There's too much time. Too much space to think. These quiet moments. And I feel as if the tradition(s) have faded. There's not spirit. It's just the cold December weather upon us, nothing more.

Depressing isn't it? I didn't do much. Just eat. Watch Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, which by the way I love just because Ben Barnes is manificient and extremely gorgeous. And of course, we opened presents once it was 12 am. I must say though I got a lot of nifty gifts:

- Jac Vanek bracelets; legit, brutal, wallflower, trainwreck, peace, live, ruthless

- Audrey Kitching tee from Hot Topic

- 2 dresses from Betsey Johnson (my mum was lovely and got one of them for grad !!!)

- LiveLavaLive shirt: "This Is Awkward But I Like It"

- the book, I believe it's called "3 Cups of Tea"

- ice cream cone necklace + diamond shaped necklace

- HOT PINK DOC. MARTINS!!!!


Later on we did the annual Christmas dinner at Sarah's. I love going to these just because when I was younger I always loved seeing Sarah. I know we're cousins but we're pretty much bestfriends. And every year my family is always "fashionably" late. Haha. I have to say though the cousins are pretty cliquey...or maybe it's just Sarah and I. We always tend to go off together and then it's usually Meghan, Colby and Sam then it's the boys, Ryan, Sean, Alex, Sean and Mike.

But this year felt short. I screamed at Sarah 'cause I was so excited to see her. It's insane how I hadn't seen her since August! Usually we see each other more often but we've both been pretty busy because of Gr. 12. And of course every freakin' year, my sister, Colby and I have to try and include Meghan. This happens every year. Seriously. Either my mum or my aunt has to ask me to include her and talk to her because she gets uncomfortable at these family events. It's because Meg's family lives in L.A and they don't get to see much of their extended family except at Christmas time. So this year, like every bloody year, my sister and I try and get Meg talking to the other cousins, include her in what were doing but the fucking problem is that she neveer takes initiative! She never takes that step further to actually speak up and talk. It's as if she feels prohibited to talk. It's like if she even whispers someone's going to shoot her or something. Bloody hell. I mean, I LOVE MEG TO DEATH. She's amazing and everything but it aggravates me how she doesn't even TRY to have a conversation with any of the cousins, NOT EVEN SARAH. And Sar is always really kind to her and always trying to get her to make dialogue. Seriously. It's annoying. -- Mainly just because Sarah, Colby and I were really getting into singing "Stop & Stare" by OneRepublic and we were all having fun just singing while Ginstah played the piano. Even Sean took over for a bit and started playing "A Hundred Miles" on the piano by Vanessa Carlton. LMFAO. And then my dad said we had to go but my sister and I didn't want to because we were having fun and then mum had to be a cow and guilt trip us and say that we had to go because Meghan wanted to leave and felt uncomfortable.

Argh. I'm sorry but obviously it's going to be awkward if you just befriend the quiet, remain silent the whole time and be fucking anti-social. It's been like 17 years and Meg still hasn't gotten the courage to talk. I mean you think by now the girl would at least TRY and say something, you know? Try and get out of her comfort zone. I mean she only sees the family once a year. Or not even. AND BLOODY HELL IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!!

I don't know. It just didn't really feel like X-mas at all. It makes me sad that the family isn't as close as it used to be. I miss the cousins getting together and performing songs. I miss being stupid with them and going to Hihume. I miss family gatherings, the way they used to be. I feel like we're falling apart. Or maybe this is just growing up. And we're all too busy, no time for efforts. Tragic.

Thank god, I still have Sarah though. I'll always have Sarah. I mean lately we haven't talked or seen each other as much as I would like to but hey. I know she'll always be there for me, so it's awesome. And vice versa.

Although, I have to credit my Uncle Jack for making a slideshow of pictures of the family throughout the years. That was really lovely. And I laughed way too hard at some of those pictures my throat hurts.

And omg. Adam looks hilarious. He seems pretty stable though, unlike before. I miss talking to him. He's like my "older brother" but his hair is so effing long and it's hilarious because he thinks he's so rock n' roll now that he's got his band going and he's trying to make it into the music industry. Lawlage.

Oh yeah, Sarah gave me her journal as a temporary gift. To explain everything that has happened this year, the emptiness that's between us, the dishonesty, the quiet moments. I've read most of it and I can see that "Christianity" and "God/Christ" mean a lot to her. I didn't realize how committed she was to "Him." And how she's literally devoted her soul/heart/life to "Him." Also, I found out she really did fancy Ryan Smith. I knew that for a while I just didn't tell her. She writes beautifully though. There are some things I can identify with but the religious part is out of the question although she did mention something about trying to talk to me about it...hmmm.

Ohwell, I'm a bit better now that I've typed everything out. I just really miss the way things used to be. The way the family, cousins used to be. How we all used to be. Oh, how time changes everything.

It's hell outside.

So this is what you get when you live in Canada.

SERIOUSLY. MEGA SNOWSTORM. IT IS HELL OUTSIDE.

I don't remember in my entire existence living in BC having this

much snow. It's absolutely ridiculous! I love it and hate it all the same.

I haven't updated in a while. My cousins from Los Angeles are here. It's pretty coo'.

Pretty much all my friends are on vacation. So I'm a tad lonely. But X-mas is tomorrow! I'm so excited to see Ginstah, I haven't seen her since summer it's absurd. And I'm so stoked on playing Truth & Truth with the cousins. It should definitely be hella fun. 

A couple of days ago I hung out with Nichola, Steph & Kelly to exchange X-mas presents. It was strange. I couldn't help but feel as if Steph was irritated with my presence? I don't know if it's because she knows that Nichola and I have become a lot closer this year. I mean, I know I'm starting to get close again with Steph too. I really don't know. Perhaps an indicative of jealousy? Although, I think they all loved their gifts. Okay rant. As much as I do CARE about "it's the thought that counts" I couldn't help but feel just a little bit annoyed with Steph's gift. I mean I LOVE THE GIFT SHE GAVE ME. Don't get me wrong it's lovely. But I feel as if it was like a I-didn't-feel-like-putting-that-much-effort-into-this-so-this-is-an-explanation-of-our-friendship. I don't know. Something tells me Steph didn't really care? I don't know if I am articulating this properly at all but that's just what I get. Perhaps, I'm just over-analyzing again.

Also, I find myself feeling aggravated with Nichola lately. I suppose it's because we're always in such close proximity. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm just overly sensitive to picking out people's flaws lately. Must be PMS-ing. I am certain of that. Blah. I don't know. I know she's mad at Nat because in art class Nat completely excludes Nick and treats her like shit. It's kind of like, yeah we're friends but I'm too coo' for you when I'm around certain people and you're just my backup friend when I have no one else kind of deal. Tragic. 

Ohgawd. When all three of us hung out last week with Nina the tension between them was so apparent beyond comprehension. I remember Nick (being the blind girl she is ) completely ignored this guy who kept calling her name until we finally had to scream at her. After they chit-chatted Nick explained to us he was a make-up artist she'd worked with a couple times and Nat and I thought he was cute. Later on, Nat was like I know he's "gay." And Nick's like no he's not! And Nat replied saying I know he is, I just know. Of course, Nichola retorted and said dude, you can't just KNOW he's "gay." He could just be extremely metrosexual. I could tell both of them we're getting pretty infuriated with each other. But I really didn't care at that point in time 'cause I was on a high. Lawlz.

So basically because Nat's bi, she thinks she has this "power" to "know" if people are "gay." It's really annoying but that's just Nat. And Nichola sometimes just gets to abrupt about things and makes things a bigger deal than they really should be.

Oh yeah, about that day. I was so high and we were at Zulu Records and I was trying to get a Nightiming ticket and 2 tickets to Anberlin and because of my impaired thinking I completely confused myself as well as the guy at the cashier and it was just hilarious because I couldn't articulate myself and I seriously couldn't think straight at all. Thankfully, I got my tickets. 

Anyways, I'm pretty content. I'm growing out of Mike. It's kinda blah for me right now. I don't really care that much. I'm extremely hooked on the Secret Valentine EP by We The Kings. The new version + the acoustic version of "Secret Valentine" are so good! And their cover of "Feel Good Inc" is epic. Basically just get it. It's ace. 

p.s winter break is good. & SO STOKED FOR FEB. JONAS BROTHER 3D CONCERT MOVIE. HELL YEH. HAHA.

I am a jealous person.

I will admit that.

I am envious of my sister, she has a "boyfriend" or  "significant other."

I am extremely happy for her but at the same time I can't help but want what she has.

Oh, the things we want are the things we can't have. Bollocks.

I think my depression is building up again. 

I can feel it and it sucks.

I am so fucking reckless. ruthless. hopeless. 

fjdsklj;fsdlkjfsdaf. 

6.7 billion people in the world and I've never felt more alone. 

FUCK TEENAGE ANGST. 

Progress.

[Listening to: In Your Sleep - Andrew Belle]

My scars are fading. I am content. I haven't SI-ed in, I believe a little more than a week, so this is progress. Starting from square one, again. But this is a learning process. A healing process.

The text on my arm says:

all our scars will disappear, like the stars at dawn

and all of our pain, will fade away when morning comes. 

It's the lyrics from "For Miles" by Thrice. They are such an epic band. 

So winter break has pretty much started. I haven't gone to school at all this week. Haha. Well I've gone to certain classes but yesterday I didn't go at all. I feel as if I have all this freedom on my hands but I have no idea what to do with it. 

Also, I've been talking to Mike but I think I'm just going to treat it as a hook-up because I've tried talking to him over facebook messages and GODDAMNIT that boy is NOT RECIPROCAL at all. I mean, c'mon at least ask me how I am then just giving 3 words or one syllable words. It really irritates me when people cannot hold a proper conversation. 

Well that's that. I'm still wearing hope around my neck...unfortunately. But I think it's a good thing. I don't think I'll send him another message unless I really feel like it. I mean, afterall he's a bit skeptical just because of what I've heard and I know I shouldn't really listen to the whispers but it's a bit questionable the things he's done and who he hangs out with. I mean his good friend is Warren who's now Cooper's lover which obviously spells drama. Hmm.

I don't know. We'll see, we'll see. But I have to say I am pretty damn content with life despite random little mishaps. And Christina intends on throwing a New Year's Eve party so Mike might be there and hopefully we can give it a go...again?

Oh yeah, and my cousins from Los Angeles are coming up. I fully intend on corrupting the both of them. Haha. Well perhaps, I'll bring Meghan along to one of the parties. It'd be hilarious. Wow, I'm cruel. But I doubt my plan would follow through anyways.

Anyways, I'm learning to love myself more and when to hold on and when to let go. And I think good things are possibly coming my way. I don't know. Only time can tell. But whatever this so-called "light" shining on me is, I hope it stays for a while. Despite the cold December weather, my heart hasn't been heavy for some time now and I can finally breathe.

"To have hope is to believe for change, to believe in a better ending."

- Jamie Tworkowski

So, my mum has taken away my laptop because she says I need to focus.

I do agree with her but I haven't been able to blog, which is annoying.

On Monday/Tuesday I was being harassed by Cooper ordering me to give her

details about Friday night. I didn't say anything. I asked her if Mike said anything

and apparently he only told his friend Warren. Also, apparently when he left he

wouldn't shutup about me. And they were all "good things' APPARENTLY. 

And I hate to admit it but I think I do fancy him and it just seems wrongs on so

many levels but I honestly think I do. I don't think this is just a stupid infatuation.

So I'm letting time unfold itself...I messaged him yesterday and the anticipation is

killing me. Plus, Cooper is really in on this trying to, as she put it "hook me & mike up."

She thinks it could work despite the fact that we're so different, which is really true.

Not to stereotype but basically he's like the "preppy/jock" type and I'm well..."different."

Stereotypically speaking I'm like the "artsy" type? Idk. 

This is all perplexing and I haven't slept. There's a fucking snowstorm outside my window

and I wish it'd snow harder so there'd be no school..well I'm already skipping first block. Haha.

I don't know, there's all these fears that are coming with this new boy in my life and I think

something COULD POSSIBLY come out of this. Although, at the same time I'm hesitant to

really do anything because of what I've seen or heard. I mean he's hooked up with Cooper and

Christina before, that obviously says something. I don't know. My head hurts. 

I'll just let it be.

Heartbeats and exchanging heat.

[Listening to: This Is Twice Now - Lydia]

I haven't written in 3 days. I'm out of routine! I can't really remember what has happened for the last couple of days as it has been boring and slow. But I have a week left of school 'till winter break and I am hella excited! I need a break so badly. 

So yesterday was Christina's party and it was pretty fun and interesting. I'm glad I went. But there was wayyyyy too much drama to handle for one night. Basically Cooper fancied these two boys and everyone was betting to see who she'd choose. And she chose her ex, Warren. She was being a complete attention whore and whoring herself around with him and everyone. It was pretty disgusting since her and Warren completely toppled over the couch and were making out in front of everyone causing a huge scene. Ew. And then there was drama with Kelly and her bf, Tyler. Tyler was being a douche to her and completely avoiding her the entire night and Kelly did nothing wrong and I had to comfort her because she was really upset/frustrated and was crying. Also, the typical who's-hooking-up-with-who kinda jazz. Yeah, Zoe and Kyle definitely had a little somethin' somethin' going on. Haha. Same with Nichola and Tim, which is pretty bad since Tim is dating Alexis. But I swear every time I  needed to  find Nichola she'd be with him. It was pretty funny. And ohgod, then there was Fiona. She was HELLA TRASHED. Completely making an idiot out of herself, throwing herself at people and basically being outrageously ridiculous and licking people's faces. It was kinda funny 'cause some boys rejected her. And I remember a lot of people we're gathered at the top of the stairs and she squeezed herself in between Nichola and Mike and began throwing herself all over Mike. It was hilarious 'cause he was looking at me being like WTF! WTF! WTF! I had to save him numerous times from Fiona harassing him. Ohgod, and that time I pulled Fiona back and she completely sat on top of me. Not pleasant at all. At one point, she started babbling about how we don't talk anymore and how we should talk more and how she dislikes this awkwardness between us. I thought to myself, that's bullshit because she doesn't have any concern of what goes on in my life and that was just the drunkeness talking. 

I thought it was pretty coo' the setup it was an almost-dancefloor. I danced a lot it was fun, plus I was pretty effing high. It felt as if my high lasted so incredibly long, I'm not sure if it's because I had some stuff to drink as well? Well I did something so embarrassing. So there was this ginger kid there and he was like MEGA APPARENT GINGER KID, like Ron Weasley. And I love ginger kids. So I went into the living room where everyone was and I was like WHERE'S THE GINGER KID? SO LOUD. And he heard me and looked at me like I was demented. I felt like an idiot. But it was the weed talking. It was pretty funny though but I felt bad about it and I tried to apologize to him but he either didn't remember by the time I talked to him or just ignored me and thought I was nonsensical-mindless loser. I felt bad for him though because someone chunderred all over his blanket and he had to hose it off and someone apparently stole his car keys. 

But omg. The dancing part was epic. I felt at times as though the party died but then it would build up again. It was annoying at times because someone kept stealing Tina's iPod remote. Plus, there was some sketchy people there like the 25-year old Randy who's BTW the BIGGEST FUCKING CREEPER EVER and this guy Mark who went through Cooper's purse and was just super sketchy overall. Anyways, I got to sing/dance to "Burnin' Up" by the JoBros. IT WAS AMAZING. Kelly, Cooper and I were screaming so loud, my throat hurt so much afterwards. haha. And a couple of us we're singing/dancing to "Get Low" by Lil Jon and Steph's bf, Roy got so into it, especially the "SKEET SKEET MUTHAFUCKAAA" it was hilarious! And then there was me kinda being a whore and grinding with Mike. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING THROUGH MY MIND. I really don't know.

So as the time went by and the party emptied out, Kelly, Kyle and I decided to walk 7 blocks to McDonald's at 2 am. It was quite fun actually. When we came back Mike was sitting on the couch so I decided to sit opposite to him. Kelly was reading Twilight and we all had a discussion about it and how we liked the movie but didn't. And how it's the cheesiest shit ever created since Disney Channel. So then Kel left and Mike was reading Twilight so I decided to sit beside him. We were reading a page and saying how it was super corny and stuff. Eventually, we decided to go to sleep. 

So basically Mike and I were on the couch spooning/cuddling. I was still kinda high but it was wearing off. I was aware of what was happening, completely. Everything just felt nice in the moment. We were just being quiet, whispering nonsense to each other and always alert to see who was running up and down the stairs. I don't know. I felt quite safe in his arms. Bodies touching. Exchanging body heat. It was just nice for once in my life to be held, to be caressed and just cared about even if it was just for the night. The thing is, we were so close and we were trying to "fall asleep" but I knew it wasn't going to happen any time soon.I kept teasing him how he was still awake. There were moments where I'd shut my eyes and just listen to his nervous breaths. It was funny how anxious we both got. I knew he wanted something to happen and I knew I did too. But I didn't know how and when. Then suddenly he kissed me. It was really immediate and it kinda shocked me. I guess you could say it was kinda awkward for my first kiss. [I know, tragic isn't it?] I was kinda laughing at myself in my head because I had no idea what the hell I was doing. And of course, this led to making out. We stopped for a bit and FOR SOME FUCKING REASON I DECIDED TO BE AN IDIOT and told him that I had honestly never done this before and he asked me why. And I remember telling him saying I didn't think I deserved this. And he said that everyone deserves this. So then we kissed a bit more and I laughed a bit and told him I was bad at this. He laughed and said he was bad at this too. It was cute. 

I don't know. My mind was rushing so fast. My heart was beating at an extreme pace. We were definitely getting into it. He started kissing my neck and stuff. And I knew I fancied it. All of it. His hands found his way down my back. I am pretty certain for a fact that things could've gone farther but I stopped it because I was feeling really tired and I didn't want things to get out of hand. I honestly can't believe I did that. But then again, I was kinda expecting too. I mean, I wanted something to happen last night and well it did. But I'm not sure how I feel about all this. I mean it all seemed really lovely at the time and I don't really feel "slutty" about it but for some reason I feel guilty and I know I shouldn't be. 

The problem now is, I am craving all of this more than I should. And I really don't want to end up fancying Mike. It's just too weird.

Ohman. What a night. Definitely eventful. And of course, Cooper, being the loud/obnoxious girl that she is had to make a big deal out of the situation and came down at 8:30 in the fucking morning screaming LAHBRA! MIKE! WHAT THE FUCK! That was definitely our cue to get up. I honestly didn't care if people found us on the couch. I was too exhausted to have everyone's opinion affect me. Haha. Well at least Chritina and Kelly were nice about it and thought we were really cute. 

I don't know. My mind's a bit blurry and it's late [it's actually 2:30 am]. I'll post pics later.  Ohgod, and Steph has a million "dirty/naughty/inappropriate" pics of everyone. It's kind of funny. 

I feel a bit relieved though. I don't think this "kiss" was forced. It just kinda was [inevitable] and I guess you could say it "just happened."

Lahbra unleashed. ;)

d i s t r a c t i o n.

And it is true. You are. NZ. You are you are. Back to old times. Again. Again. I fall for you. Shouldn't I have learned by now?

MUST HAVE DISCIPLINE. THE INTERNET IS JUST AS MUCH AS A DISTRACTION AS YOU ARE. HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. And Johnohhhh O'Callaghan really isn't helping either. Damn him and his beautiful voice. I am addicted to ....And A Happy New Year EP. Good stuff.

Now onto studying bio. gross. 

Honesty. Check yes.

[Listening to: Ho Ho Hopefully - The Maine]

Today was good. I was scared. But I faced my fears. And I am proud. And content. I talked to Nat today. My heart was beating fast. Nervousness. It was definitely a dialogue I knew that needed to happen. It was inevitable and we both knew it. I told her how I felt like lately she hasn't been there for me. I told her about the Anna situation and I found out that the reason why she couldn't give me a direct response was because at the time she was with Anna. It makes sense now. And I told her how sometimes she doesn't hear me out, and I often feel neglected/ignored. 

She told me how that one day that I felt really shitty and skipped history she called but I refused to tell her what was wrong. She knows me well enough to know that I am not well and that something is up. I told her how at the time I couldn't voice what I wanted to say because I got scared. I didn't want her to know that I had slipped. I was scared to tell her because I was afraid of her reaction. I told her I was scared to be honest, that I know she deserves to know as much as Nichola but sometimes I hold back because I get fearful and insecure. And of course, being the human that I am - feeling too much I began to cry. I know I am really sensitive, sensitive in terms of I just feel a lot, more than I should. I can't help it, it runs in my family. Crying easily. Fuck. Anyways, she hugged me as I cried. She told me how she didn't want me to be scared of telling her things that it's okay that I slipped, that's these things happen but you can't beat yourself up for it. She told me how she hadn't SI-ed in a year but she slipped and she felt really guilty about it because she thought she disappointed those around her but they were really supportive. And she told me how on numerous occasions she had slipped but she learned to ask for help, to call a friend, to speak the language of honesty. And through all those times, people were supportive of her despite her fears. She also mentioned how the first step, calling someone, asking for help is always the most difficult part of the process but it gets easier. She also said that no matter what I do, even if I SI a million times she will be there for me always, and she will love me always. Her words held an abundance of significance and I will hold them close to my heart. 

We hugged it out and my heart is feeling extremely less heavy. In fact, it's smiling. For once, in a long time. 

And she admitted that lately she hasn't been there for me because of all the chaos she's been going through with her billions of relationship problems. I told her how she needs a break from relationships and needs to stop trying to find someone and let someone find her. Because she's been doing this routine since Gr. 4 and she needs to stop and breathe. And just relax and take a break for a while. She told me about the Adam situation and I know it's extremely sticky. I mean he's still going out with Yuki, basically they're fuck buddies. There's no relationship. Just using each other for sex. The problem is him and Nat have a thing for each other but he's completely playing her feelings plus Yuki's. And as much as Yuki's a psychotic bitch it's not fair to her or Nat. I told her she can't do anything about it because he's the one that needs to figure himself out and that it's terribly cruel of him to be doing this to her. Although, I am hopeful that he will change and go out with Nat because even though I know she got herself into this mess. They are very cute together. haha.

You know what's strange? The fact that whenever I do something good the sun finally shows it's face again. And I haven't seen it's features in weeks. Despite December weather it was nice to have some sunshine for a brief moment. 

I just realized, report cards are issued Friday. FUCK. Ohwell. Acceptance that is all I can do. And just try harder next term. I seriously need to get my shit together. No more procrastinating. But god, I am so fucking good at it. If procrastination was a job I'd be a millionaire by now. Hands down. And I seriously need to discipline myself better. Well I'm better than I used to be but man facebook, myspace and all that jazz it seriously brainwashes you or something. Or maybe I 'm just real indolent and like to avoid doing tasks. 

So this is my guesstimation of my grades: 

Photo: A (this I know for sure)

Art: A 

Art Careers: A

Creative Writing: B (this I know for sure)

Bio: C-/F? Well I'm passing? I think? I hope?

Lit: B (this I know for sure)

Hisytory: C-B?

English: C+ or B

So I think that's more of an improvement from last year. I just really need to get Bio together and History and English. But I'm pretty proud considering the amount of skipping I've done this term. 

p.s Johno O'Callaghan (Johno sounds coo'er than John. deal with it.) has my heart completely. haha. Boys in pop-punk bands are what I call attractive. 

p.p.s Okay consider this a confession, Friday is Christina's party and I am so ready to dance it out and loosen up. I think I'm starting to have no morals. Sad. I promise this time I won't get too out of control. No more repeats of last time. But I reallyreallyreally am hoping there are phitty boys there. I just want to kiss. dance. smile. have fun. That is all. But no whoring around. That's just out of the question. And I am quite surprised at myself because I can ACTUALLY control myself 90 % of the time. Like I never whore around. I've still got my dignity, bitches. 

& I still need to figure out what the hell I'm going to wear. I am terribly indecisive. I was thinking NYC/LONDON styleee. With 80's mixed in. Idk.

& I still need to decide what choice of toxin I will use. ha.wow. laaaaaaaaaame.

Shady Bard makes winter less heavy.

[Listening to: Treeology - Shady Bard]

Today was full of uncertainty. Skipped my last two blocks to get my sleep. I definitely needed it. I told my teachers I had an "appointment" and asked them for what assignments I'd be missing. I got away with it pretty well. Damn, I'm good. Haha. 

I didn't end up talking to Nat today. I don't think today would've been a good day to have a [heavy] dialogue. The weather didn't help at all, either. I love and hate December. Mostly loathe. It's just so fucking cold. Then again, I live in Canada, up north so what do I expect? I texted her and told her that my tutor was actually coming at 3:30 rather than 4. (That was a lie.) She didn't seem pleased. One syllable responses don't do any justice, I swear. Is it possible to read people over text message? I've always thought it was. Especially with certain people. I think text messaging is almost a language. 'Cause I text many friends and they all have this sort of "style" of texting. It's quite funny actually. My friend Nichola texts really weird, she uses words that are non-existent in the English language and most of the time it includes CAPITALS, !!!s, misspelled words and ALWAYS referring to me as Lahbra, Lahbs, Lahbby and phitty. Nat texts in complete sentences and often uses babe, girly, and writes with structural punctuation. Frisco always texts as if he's speaking in a british accent and his messages often contain typos and the words love, lovey etc. My friend Hannah always says I LOVE YOU JUNG, or JUNG YOU ARE AMAZING, she always says Jung, never referring to my actual name. 

Anyways, my point. Sometimes I can tell if someone is mad, sad, frustrated etc. over text message. They don't type how they usually would so then you begin to question....or at least I do? Well, tomorrow isn't here yet. I'm actually a bit scared. This blog is starting to grow on me, I think. I don't need an audience. Just a place to vent, to write how I feel, my frustrations, my depression, my condition, my scars, my dreams , hopes, beliefs, likes, dislikes, everything. Really. It's quite nice. And honestly it does scare me a bit when I look at my profile views. I HONESTLY DON'T THINK PEOPLE READ MY STUFF. But I suppose it's a bit "welcoming." I don't know if that's the appropriate word. But yeah. 

I know this conversation between Nat and I needs to happen. But I find myself holding back and being so afraid. Danielle says that sometimes we get mad at people because there's something that we see in them that's a reflection of us. I'm still trying to figure that out. What exactly it is that Nat's doing that irritates me, that I find in myself? Maybe it's because I know we both think the same, and we both don't want to have this colloquy. And that we both expect the other to be the "bigger person." I know it's me. It always is. Ohwell.

So I will speak my heart. Tell her in full honesty how I feel. I should feel proud and brave. And acknowledge my courage because these things are hard stuff. These sort of things make our hearts heavy. And I am sure that if she's a good friend she will understand, I will understand. That we can better our friendship. Just hope. believe. 

p.s I kinda want summer. It's going to be amazing. Kenya. Paris. Indonesia. ESPECIALLY KENYA. FTC. <3

& that pic is mine. Most of the pics I post are taken by me. 

Honesty // Epiphany?

Acceptance is everything. Well almost. At least for me. Right now. In terms of scars. 

Thank god for yoga therapy today. I really needed it. I told Danielle my yoga therapist about all that's happened for the last couple of weeks. I felt extremely terrible that she had to hear such unfortunate news. 

But she reassured me and told me that it was okay that I slipped. That we can always get back up. That just because I had a fall back it doesn't mean it's the end of the world, it doesn't mean I have failed. It doesn't mean I have found the way back to the wreckage. It doesn't mean I am back to old habits. This is the process of healing and learning. There are no grades. No numbers. They are meaningless.

It is all about living and learning. That it's human to make mistakes. It's okay to fall as long as we get back up. I've had trouble accepting this. That maybe I just emphasized this way too much. That I made this a bigger deal than it was. That just letting this go is what's best. There's no point in blaming anyone/anything. Because I AM THE PROBLEM. But I have the ability to fix it. I have control over this. 

I also learned that we are all responsible for the way we feel. The way we react towards others. And how they affect us. That this fight with Nat, I can continue to complain about her flaws, continue to pick them out and become aggravated with her. When I really should be confronting the situation and being honest. And asking myself, what is that she's doing that's affecting me so much? And maybe what she does I find irritating but to someone else it is nothing. It is all about how we control our feeling and the responsibility of our reactions towards others. That I chose to feel angry. That I chose to feel frustrated. That I chose to become annoyed with her. I made these choices. And I know there are things that are agreeable where Nat did do things that hurt. But it also comes down to how I responded.

It is strange how our mind, our heart, our body works. I've always found it fascinating how we have control over so many things. How we feel. How we react. How we breathe and live. Hurt and fear. We are very much alive. 

And on this particular evening, my heart is feeling less heavy. I can finally breathe again. Inhale. Exhale. Peacefully. And I am grateful for today. For the conversation with Danielle. I really needed to vent. Really needed someone to hear me out. To listen to the suffering. And help. I always find it quite interesting how much I learn each session with her. I always come out of that room with a new perspective, with a change of heart. And I love it. 

I don't know what it is. But this feeling of doing better really amazes me. I love epiphanies. I love feeling brand new. Seeing life through a new lens and really looking at it. Today, I am living, existing.

p.s I watched Gossip Girl with my mum today. She told me I kinda look like Blair Waldorf with my high cheek bones and big eyes. It made me laugh.

I am really starting to utilize/appreciate my beauty. 

But with the right amount of pride and confidence.

No over abundance.

p.p.s  That's a pic of me. The top pic Nichola took. She's a pretty good photographer for a first try. Haha.

The bottom pic is mine. =)

p.p.s I'm talking to Nat tomorrow. Wish me luck. I am scared to the bone. But I know this is the right thing to do. Honesty. 

"this isn't the end."

Fractured: a story.

I have officially pulled an all nighter.

I have no idea why I AM NOT TIRED, whatsoever.

I don't know if it's because I smoked a bowl less than 10 hours ago.

I have no idea.

Whatever is keeping me awake. I kind of like it.

And I am really proud of myself because I just wrote a really

beautiful story for my creative writing class.

The story comes from three different perspectives.

The first one is the main character, the girl all detrimental and broken.

The next, is an [outside] character who looks at the situation from

an exterior perspective.

The last character is the boy who continually helps the girl. Basically her savior. 

I hope it's not confusing. The first part is directly from a page in my journal.

Fractured

Cracks in the wall.
Leading to destruction.
My empire is collapsing.
I don’t want to be revealed.
Every flaw, every secret. Detailed.
Put out on display.
Feeling numb.
Can’t move an inch, no muscle, no joint.
Just standing, watching.
As this city burns.
Can’t hold my breath.
Heart is pounding.
Panic attack.
Head filled with a tsunami of thoughts.
Asphyxiated by my own words.
Yearning to cry, to scream.
I try.
But words have expired.
The air in my lungs
becomes toxic.
Can’t breathe.
No inhale, no exhale.
Can’t escape my fears.
The skin on my bones tightens.
Everything deteriorates around me.
“I can’t do this” on repeat.
Tensing up.
Sweating palms.
Frustration. Deconstructing. Construction.
Hopeless strings become apparent.
As ashes brush across my face.
And this city begins to disperse.
In silence, a single tear
Rolls down my cheek,
And slips into my mouth.
I taste salt.
Immobile.
Still perplexed by this scenery.
Mist of melancholy memories linger.
Ashes, ashes fly by.
With torn paper wings.
(I know I am better than this.)
The smell of smoke is apparent.
This city has burned.




It wasn't like this before. Before the wreckage. She used to breathe in happiness. I can't remember how everything happened so quickly, how it all began. All I know is that she caused this mess. Got herself exchanging secrets with her own demons. That's it. Befriending the quiet. I don't know all the details, all the unanswered questions but I know there was always something so strange about her. I've only met her on a couple of occasions. I recall her voice, she spoke eloquently. Her face is a blur in my mind. I can only envision her shoulder-length, crimson red hair. She was always twirling it around her fingers. And her eyes. Defined in secrecy. Something was always hidden behind them. You would've never thought someone could end up becoming so detrimental. It never crossed your mind if you met her. Then she met destruction. She was consumed. Engulfed by it.

I can only remember fragments of the situation. Her best friend always being there. Giving her security. Always cleaning up the messes she made. He was quite reserved. Unlike her. I've always wondered how they became friends. I used to think he was conceited. But I got his arrogance confused with timidness. I know he was just being a good friend, constantly doing the right thing. But we all started to notice he was getting drawn into catastrophe. We all saw it coming. We warned him she was too much of a burden. That she was just a magnet for chaos. And even if you tried to help her, you just became a part of the mess. You wouldn't notice at first. You see, every time she danced with darkness you'd be there to pick her up off the cold pavement. Tend to her heart. Repair the cracks in the structure. And she'd thank you more than you'd ever known. She was so grateful. Tell you she was going to change. That'd she throw away the vices. Bury them. But that was all just an act. She was the best damn actress you've ever seen.

He told me how she'd have you convinced she was doing better. Calling you every day explaining she was alright. And sometimes he'd even check up on her and she appeared healthy. No more sunken in cheekbones. No more bruises.

You wouldn't see her for a couple of days. Weeks even. And in some way, you began to forget about her but she always remained at the back of your mind. He said, she was always in and out of his life. Everything would be normal for a while, however long that may be. But it was never for too long, always temporary. He'd be living his life. Content. Then unexpectedly he'd receive a call or news through a friend that she wasn't doing so well again. That she slipped. That's always what he said whenever she crawled back to the transgressions. It became a constant cycle. She would get better, and seem so hopeful, then all of a sudden she'd be tormented by fears and insecurities.

I felt bad for him. She walked all over him. Used him. Lied to him. It was almost like he was blind to all the damage she was doing. It took us forever to finally have him convinced. I could see why he didn't want to look the other way. Afraid, it was the truth. He was always there for her, like I said. Holding her when she was shaking. Picking her up from random street corners. Listening when it was always the same problem. Just being there for her, with her, through all the suffering. And he never really gave up hope. Always believed one day she'd wake up to reality and face it. And really look at the figure in the mirror, portraying a face full of joy and beauty. He really believed in her.

Until one day it was all too much. Couldn't do this anymore. He wanted to die that night. Struggling to fight for what was right. I know he felt it in his heart. The pain that struck him from all directions. Guilt. She was calling for him, another night, another fix. He didn't want to find her. He didn't want to get her. But he decided to anyway. She was found in an unknown alleyway. Eyes sunken in, skinny as hell, protruding hipbones, tattered clothing, greasy, tangled hair, bruises everywhere, dirt on her face. She was at her worse. He was scared. Carried her to his car. Dropped her off at her tiny apartment. She begged him to stay but he told her he couldn't anymore. Told her this was it. He screamed brutal honesty. Said he refused to clean up after her. That he was done being her rescuer.

After that night, we never saw or heard from her again. He became a bit of a hermit after this. I stopped talking to him for a couple of months. I tried contacting him but he never answered. Once in a while I'd receive an e-mail or two explaining he was getting himself straightened out from all the harm she'd done. Said he made the right choice. To rid his life from toxic people. Meaning her. He even mentioned that he was planning on moving to another city. I replied, and wished him luck, told him if he ever needed anything to ring me. He thanked me for finally making him turn the other cheek, that it was difficult to accept everything that has happened but that's how it is.

He became like her, well not completely. Just on terms of being in and out of my life. He actually did move to another city. I am uncertain of where. Sometimes I get worried and I begin to think of them. I wonder where she is at times, if she's even alive. And I wonder about him. If he's even alright. But all I can do is just hope. And believe. And just be.


The uncertainty lingers.
Frustration and fear,
pulling at opposite sides of my mind.
She is following the whispers that lead her
down the dangerous path.
And should I follow?
I am constantly here with open arms,
a subtle shelter of safety.
But she is continually being swallowed
by a sea of nightmares.
Unable to shake the pain.
And I am her 24/7 lifeguard, at least I used to be.
Always the unknown helping hand,
ready to pull her to shore, wearing hope around my neck, every day.
But the waters became treacherous,
angered, thrashing with ferocity.
It became a war. To fight for her life. My life.
Excessive amounts of prevarications poured into
the ocean like oil. Stained.
And the negligence and disregard began to float to the top.
Unbearable. Overwhelmed.
I stopped swimming.
Her stormy weather rumbled into chaos.
Dragged into disaster.
And god knows if she still swimming to shore.
If she has even tried.
But I got out alive.
And she is just a message in a bottle.
Floating away to unknown horizons.

Transgressions.

"So I've been sleeping with this silence in my brain,

I wake up here everyday in this goddamn place.

I won't wait here anymore."

And I can't remember what it was like before all of this. I cannot remember happiness. Only fragmented bits of it. When the ocassion happens, I try and savour all of it. But it is never enough. Nothing is ever enough. And I've said this for infinity but everything is so fucking temporary. I hate this. I hate that. 

So what good is this? Sinking down under the waters, drowning? And I have done this to myself. It is always me, in the end. I am so fucking self-absorbed aren't I? As much as I talk about hope, helping others, acting in selflessness. I am really just a hypocrite in and of itself. Really. Because the problem is not anyone it's me. It's always fucking me. Because I AM THE PROBLEM.

I have wasted 3 days doing nothing but utilizing the best of vices. Razorblades and weed. Oh, what a sweet combination. God knows how the hell I'm going to get out of this dark hole. And I have dug it myself. How fucking stupid am I? Extremely. And I am clawing at the sides. Dirt under my nails. I am stuck. I am enraged. I am beyond frustrated. I am determined. I am lost. I am hopeless. I am stuck. 

What am I doing? Who am I? And how the fuck did I get here? Questions. Always Questions. Always questioning questions. Never ending cycle. And I got myself into this mess. The disturbing thing is, I don't want to clean it up. No, not right now at least. Because I'd prefer to lay on the cold ground soaking in my own filth. I feel numb now. It's too cold to feel anything. Too weak to even try. I am nothing but a half-dead corpse. Freezing to death. But I am still breathing. How?

Waking up this morning. Wait no. Waking up this evening is more like it...was a bitch. No, not even. It was a war. A constant battle between hours fighting in my own bloody mind. I have never felt more enervated in my entire existence. Perhaps my body just gave up all energy and really needed to regenerate from the numerous sleepless nights. I believe today was the first in an extremely long time where I've actually slept. Peacefully? Almost. Not quite. I woke up at 1 pm to walk my dog. Attempted to go back to sleep. Called some people. Short conversations. Went to sleep until 4 pm. Got up to try and eat. Became frustrated/infuriated over something stupid. Went back to sleep. Restless. Falling in and out of sleep. This happened until 6 pm. Struggled for however long...deciding whether or not to get up or not. Finally managed to but it was brutal. A fight. An extreme challenge.

Today sleep was my first choice of vices. Amazing isn't it? Certainly. Today I did anything in my power to not wake up and face reality. Dreams are much better. Safer. Because dreams are where I keep my wishes. Dreams are locked and protected. I am secure. Yet free. Painless. Emotionless. Dead but alive. 

I hate facing harsh realities. I really do. And acceptance doesn't come by very easily. I hate coping. That's why I returned to old bad habits and new ones too. I tried just dealing with it. It hurt more than anything. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Coping. Just being in it. And not doing anything about it. Having no control over it. (Well kind of.) Just letting yourself indulge in this. No escape. Because this is what we call life. 

But I remember I had an interruption. A distraction...a dangerous disruption. Between 4pm and 6pm. My frustration was in control. I refused to eat. I punished myself. Told myself, I didn't deserve it. I refused the hunger inside of me. Declination. So, as you could imagine. I found my best friend. Hidden in a semi-conspicuous drawer. Full of money from around the world, a motherload of transit tickets, and random clothing tags, there it lay. The silver, thin, metallic monster. Shaped in the definition of harm and the damaged solution. Razorblade.

And I smiled. Bit my lip. Took it. Locked myself in the washroom. A Skylit Drive and Lydia as company. My little tokens of hope. 

Before my destructive act, I glanced at the figure in the mirror. She grew ugly. Or that's what the girl up stairs suggested. My eye was swollen on Friday, I think it's a sti but I am not sure. It was still there today and I could not stop staring at the difference in the sizes of my eyes. My right eyelid was kinda drooping over my eye. I felt disgusted. So incredibly loathing that small detail that probably only I noticed. Surrounded by insecurities. This was me. And I wanted to punch the mirror and watch the glass shatter. Everywhere. 

My dissatisfaction grew clear as it ran down my cheeks. Back against the wall. Legs curled. Arms out. Demon in hand. Are you ready for this? Muscles tense up. I think so. But there it is. Again. Always. In these quiet times, less lit. The voice that speaks like songs. That often gets ignored. Disregarded. Recycled. Or sometimes even burned. Truth. Honesty. Maybe it's called i n t u i t i o n. I am not even sure. But whatever it is, sometimes I listen. And it screamed at the demons. Telling them to leave me alone. To let me be. But they were to strong. The light backfired. Failed. Engulfed in darkness. 

"For a second, I felt so brave. Flowing through fault lines, wearing on my mind. Weathering."

I pull up my shirt to reveal millions of faded scars...but lines still obvious on my stomach and ribcage. Hideous isn't it? Completely. I hold my breath. Place the demon 3/4 above my belly-button. The fear and adrenaline immediately kick in. Press. Hard. Drag. Pain. I feel. I feel. I can finally feel. But it is only for a brief moment. The line is pretty huge. Diagonally red across my stomach. I draw another one underneath. This is for my insecurities. Flaws in my figure. Faults in my (beauty.) 

I still need my fix. I still need the addiction. Two lines is not enough. I am not satisfied...not yet at least. What the fuck am I doing? Living. No. Harming. Myself. Letting all my fears, insecurities, predicaments become illustrated by lacerations upon the skin. Bleeding red. Brokenness. This is me.

My left wrist is not a pretty picture. 5 significant scars are revealed. I paint. And here is my disgusting work of "art." 3 new scars among the 7 I already have. My total is 10. And somehow, that number feels miniscule compared to other times where there were too many lines, in which I lost count. After a while, the number of scars become meaningless. It doesn't matter how many you do. As long as you do it and feel. Get your fucking fix. That's all that matters.

"There's just so much to be said. So much running through my head. In a time staggered on end. Maybe now we can pretend?" 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Oh, no one is watching now. Sing like you just might drown."

As for my new vice: weed. Oh, it is glorious. Glorious, I tell yeah. I am anywhere but here. I live the way I live. I am afloat. And the obvious symptom, eating excessively. You really can't taste anything, everything just taste magnificient. You can taste that word. I'm sure of it. And you're aware of everything and nothing. Of course, everything just seems ten times more amusing and humorous than in your (central) vision. Just a sweet escape. 

I think in ways, I prefer this new transgression. Escapism. I love it. Mellowed out. Contemplative. Just being. Enjoying. Watching. Being. [ Smiling.] And I suppose these are the perks of a broken person, indulging in evasion. Because what I want will always be fucking temporary. 

Now I am here. Half alive. Fork in the road. I have known this indecision. I have known it forever. But which path do I choose to follow? Only time will tell. And the power of control. Choices. And whether or not I will continue to fight but fight for myself or fight for destruction. Decisions. There are whispers. Voices. Coming in from both ears. I am in control. But do I dare believe that? Possibly. I pray to the stars. Ask them how I caused such a mess. Ask them for a resolution. Ask them why? how? They don't answer for a while. But they murmur....afraid. I ponder. And I know the answer to the question, surprisingly enough. I am afraid. To let go of  being broken. I am afraid of getting better. Yet I am afraid of living...better. I am afraid of reality. 

I am afraid of myself.