somersaults.

i saw you today. and my heart did a thousand sommersaults. i was half drunk and you walked in the venue and stood in front of me. i whispered to steph "that's him." she giggled and nudged me to talk to him. i said later. we walked out so i could breathe, so i could contemplate. we re-entered the building and steph whispers to me "he looked over at you." i smiled. i was nervous. i couldn't believe this. i couldn't stop biting my lip out of anxiousness. i kept looking at you. my head bobbed up and down to the comforting acoustic guitar and soothing voice of Kiddo's lead man. i think you saw me from the corner of your eye. i watched you go up front and do a little dance. i laughed and smiled. i liked how you weren't afraid. you didn't have a care in the world who was watching you, you just listened to the music and danced. even if it was awkward and funny and weird all at the same time. the song faded and everyone went out. steph and i moved to the back to sit on chairs. i watched you exit and enter. you sat down alone with an empty chair beside you. steph nudges me and says "go, talk to him." i tell her i can't. she says "do you want me to go with you?" but i know the answer. i needed to be brave. i tell her "no, i need to do this myself." out of fear and courage i walk up to him and do an awkward wave in the face accompanied by a hello, i sit next to him. i ask him how he is and he says "fantastic." i smile. we talk about the band Right and how he's known the guitarist, Dave for so many years but has never made it out to one of his shows. i reassure him that they're pretty good live as i've seen them a couple of times. you tell me how they changed their sound and how its all mellow now and how they used to be more dancy. i like it when you talk about music and how you love dancy beats. then begins the semi-awkward silence but i ask you what school you go to and what you're studying. you tell me you're just taking whatever and you inform me about philosophy and how you enjoy that class and how you are all over the place. i laugh, i secretly admire how you don't know what direction your life is going, i comment and say well that's good you're experimenting. now that i recall, i smiled and laughed way too much when in your presence. you ask me about school and i tell you i want to major in photography. steph comes over and sits next to me and she knows i am way too happy. i feel bad because we both know the awkward silence, how we want to say something but the question is what to ask?



i nudge you and ask how your bands doing. you laugh and tell me how you want to create a 5 piece band but school is consuming your time. you tell me how you jot down ideas every now and then for future reference to create songs. danny comes along and starts talking to us. i feel a bit more comfortable because he’s always a laugh. Right comes on and we are ordered to move our chairs to the very front. they start off we mellow songs and then Leon tells us we are free to stand and dance now. you get overly excited. both you and danny. i stand behind you, i didn’t feel like it was necessary to be right beside you. i listened to the lyrics, the way the guitars and vocals and drums and piano clashed. i watched you move with the music. i laughed. i wondered. i wanted to hold your hand. you look back every now and then. and i m okay with not saying anything to you throughout the set. i like watching you awkwardly dance with your hand gestures meshed with hXc dancing and moshing // swaying. its entertaining. as the night starts to end i tell steph and her bf to leave without me, i tell them i need to say bye to people. to be honest, I’ve NEVER put myself so much out of my comfort zone in this type of situation before. EVER. so there i was alone, without moral support, and the only people i knew were acquaintances. i start chatting with miggy just because he s funny even though he s half an asshole but he s nice to me. dave sees me and says hi and thanks me for coming out to the show, i give him a hug. i thought migz was going to follow me outside but apparently not so i walk out and start talking to danny. we have really strange conversations. mostly it was him being super hyper and telling me about all his magic tricks...that weren’t actually magic tricks at all. you re in our little circle and i can see your awkward stance. i ask the two of you if you fancied the gig, you said you did but not really. truth, i love your awkwardness it just adds to all the other random details I’ve noticed about you.

the one thing that stands clearly in my mind is how something tells me you're broken. that whoever loved you last hurt you, and the scars run deep. but you hide it well. i can see it in your eyes, the way you're scared. afraid to love again. you're kind, i know it but you didn't really show an interest in me and you know what? i'm perfectly okay with that. because i know you're a tad timid and you're confused and hurt and lost. whatever happens, happens. but i will say that seeing you tonight made my heart smile, even if the feelings aren't returned because i am more content of the fact that i went out of my ordinary boundaries. that i surprisingly managed to keep conversation going with people who i don't know very well, especially with the fact i was pretty sober by the end of the night. and perhaps there was no drunken kisses tonight but i felt like i was myself, not too pushy, not trying too hard, and plus i gave you a hug. you're freaking adorable and i hope that one day i can show you that i can carry your heart.

my heart smiles.

the fact that i may potentially see you tomorrow is both scary, nerve-wrecking, enticing and exciting all at once.

i haven't had butterflies like these in a really long time. i can't even remember the last time i actually really fancied someone. that kind of crush when you wait for him all day to go online and just knowing he's there makes your heart flutter, even if you don't end up saying anything to him. the kind where you forget all the words you spent hours rehearsing so you don't say the wrong thing. the kind where he's on your mind, all the freaking time. is there a cure for this? because i have tried so hard to rid myself of this feeling. its so tormenting and interesting at the same time. i haven't talked to you in 2 weeks but it was for my own good because i didn't want to seem pushy, ohman. the mathematics of "love." i don't know what it is, what THIS is. there's this feeling inside that is screaming and yelling at the top of its lungs shouting to world that this is it, this is the start of something new. and i'm not even sure what it is but this feeling keeps pulsating, it started off as a whisper, which slowly turned into a scream. it keeps saying that you have to believe in this, even though you're scared, even though you don't know what to do, even though this is painful. believe.

i don't know why i have so much reassurance. that somehow, even though this seems so ridiculously absurd it is going to happen. its funny, because everyone believes in it too. i don't know how i am so sure. but i can feel it in all these songs speaking to me. i can feel it when i think of you. i don't know why i have so much hope in this. maybe its because i know you're just as broken as me. that you're intriguing. that i want to get to know you better. know you're story. all your likes and dislikes. how your mind unravels. the way your heart works. i still don't believe it was the drunkenness when we kissed. i don't believe it at all. i could feel myself smiling. i can't even explain the feeling but it felt like i already knew you. and everything in that moment felt perfect. that's probably the closest i'll ever get to perfection and that was sheer bliss.

i think i'm delusional, but there's a part of me that holds so much faith in this. it is bellowing from my insides. i liked the way the music moved us both that night. how it felt like forever in those 4 hours. and every time i listen to owl city, bon iver or the spill canvas i think of you. i just want to let you trust me in this, let me protect your heart, i will carry it everywhere with me. and i'd hope you'd do the same. for some reason the only thing that seems ideal is just laying down next to you on a bed. just laying down next to another human being, skin to skin contact. just feel your embrace. not even have sex. just lay there together, have conversations, we can deconstruct life's calamities together. i would tell you about my adventures abroad, about all the kids that could just smile at you and erase every fear, flaw, insecurity or bit of sadness and frustration you've ever felt in your entire life. you would tell me about music and how songs mean so much to you. you would tell me about the day you witnessed the car crash and how your heart felt heavy. i would tell you my stories and you would kiss my scars. we would laugh. and scream. and sing. us against the world. we would be infinite.

this is me.

i feel like i need to properly introduce myself or something. anyways...

i'm kendahl. i'm seventeen and reckless. my mind is a giant abyss, full of mysterious corners i am exploring every day. music and art mean more to me than anything, i can't even fully express how those two components almost make me up entirely and without their existence i would be nothing. in fact, music affects me more than it should. i am dreamer. a fighter. a lover. i care too much about things beyond my control. i'm strong minded. i have a huge heart and i always forgive people, even if they've damaged me a whole lot. i fail at holding grudges // staying mad at someone for a long period of time. i used to have really severe depression and self-injure and was fucked up for a good majority of my life, i'm happy // proud to say i have fought my demons and i've climbed out of the darkness. i've been successfully 8 months clean. i love traveling and the 3 places that have had a major impact on me are india, kenya and paris. i love getting drunk. tequila is my favourite. i don't mind getting rowdy every now in then, especially with my good friends or really anyone. i really like meeting new people. i love fashion and consider it an art and a way of self-expression. people think i may have a hard exterior but trust me, i don't judge anyone because i know for a fact EVERYONE has a story whether we care to admit it or not. To Write Love On Her Arms has been a massive influence in my life and i have supported them since almost the beginning, that's 3 and a half years now. Jamie Tworkowski is the one person who I want to meet in the entire world and if i ever do get the chance to do so, i can die happy. His words have saved me on numerous occasions and i thank him for that in every way. i have minor OCD but only when it comes to my nails (they always have to be painted) and i don't like it when my food touches one another when arranged on a plate. i lovelovelovelove concerts, i cannot reiterate enough how much they mean to me. just the adrenaline that you feel and feed off from everyone, screaming your lungs out to all the lyrics, seeing your favourite band and moshing the fuck out. there is nothing more beautifully rebellious then letting your hair go and hardcore dancing. that point at a concert where you, the band/artist and everyone are all singing together in harmony is my favourite thing ever. just the feeling of being alive. i love dance parties. end of story. i am ridiculously obsessed with the Jonas Brothers and have no denial in telling everyone that I do. i listen to pretty much any type of music. i like to think i have easy ears. autumn is my favourite season. i like going to thrift stores, i love cheap shit. sometimes i can be timid if i feel intimidated. you'll know i'm thinking a lot if i'm being really quiet. i have random outbursts of laughter. i think i can sing well but i'm too embarrassed to sing in front of anyone except for my family. i've been a pescetarian for 2 years. aka pretty much vegetarian diet but still involving seafood. i have a knack for collecting large amounts of jewelery; everything from necklaces, bracelets, earrings to rings. i like big sweaters. i love cuddling and spooning. cliche. i know. photography is my medium of choice. i friggin love polaroids and wish film cameras weren't becoming outdated. i am obsessed with Parisian culture. i often feel like my life is a movie that just hasn't been actually documented yet. i do really weird things sometimes, like if my head is filled with chaos i'll go to the park and spend 3 hours there and just go on the swings and listen to Bon Iver or some cute, acoustic crap that sings about teenage angst. every day i get inspired. i like reading but i wish i could do it more. i love reading into people with fucked up lives, i don't know there is something so very intriguing about this world filled with broken people. sometimes i get motivated but its always so much easier said than done. all my friends are different from me, i love diversity. i cannot handle labels, and categories and shoving everything and everyone into specific boxes. i think too much. i think i'm pretty intuitive, its kind of scary. most days, i am in love with life. i think i have a quiet self-confidence. i have a hard time expressing what i think sometimes. i'm a night owl and have really awkward sleeping patterns. i sleep backwards on my bed. i just realized i have been doing this for the past 2 years. when i believe in something, i put all my passion into it and i feel like my soul is set on fire, i feel invincible. i love 3 am drunkenness and walking along the streets at night alone or with my besties. i think i have developed a smoking problem. i'm not proud of it but to be honest there is something very classy about it. you can blame Paris for that. british accents make me melt. i don't care i will always love boys in tight pants. seriously. i love people unconditionally even if we hardly talk or if they've ever hurt me. i am considered pretty "white washed" but take pride in my heritage. a lot of people think i either look philippino, cambodian, hawaiian or a halfer. i am chinese okay. sometimes i will just lie on my bedroom floor and listen to a song on repeat extremely loud for hours. i love sleeping but never get enough of it. my hair never goes the way i want it to. i only like cliches when i experience them for myself. tea > coffee any day. i could be bi if i wanted to but i like boys, i don't know i'm pretty whatever about my sexuality. on occasion i do drugs but that's only MDMA and salvia. and to be honest the hype about e is dumb and pretty decent. i like sex. there. but i'm done with one night stands. i have really fucking weird conversations in my head sometimes. i day dream way too much. i curse like a sailor. i love my family and friends and are the most amazing people in the entire planet. i love listening to people's stories. i have a shoe fetish. i collect old film cameras. i wish i lived in the 60's, 70's and 80's just too experience all the amazing revolutions that happened and woodstock and real good-old-fashioned rock n' roll. i think about all the international friends i've met and think about what exactly they're doing at this exact time and day. i do that with the bands i like too. i have a thing for guys with those side bangs, musical talent (especially guitar), artistic and read. i think i'm smart but i don't use it to my advantage. this isn't about dwellin in arrogance but a lot of people think i'm going to be "famous." i still don't understand what this means. my mum likes to think i have this "star quality" i think i semi-comprehend it but i feel vain if i kind of know its the truth. i don't make sense 90 % of the time. i can read people's energies. i love gingers. i am a closet star wars and star trek fanatic. i think its truly incredible the ridiculous amount of weird faces i am capable of making. i have 3 drunk faces. i don't like structure, but i think its necessary in certain situations. i am a walking contradiction. i love rooftops. and trees. and skylines. and birds. and rainbows. and ugly dolls. i like a lot of things. ignorance is the one thing i have absolutely no tolerance for. i like piercings and tattoos. oh and the hype about tattoos is really dumb too, it all depends on your pain tolerance, how big your tat is and where you get it. my favourite weather is when its sunny but its raining at the same time. i will always be jealous of all the girls bands sing about. i have strange habits; when i fancy someone i will listen to their favourite band because it makes me feel closer to them. i dwell frequently in infatuation and fantasy. honesty, community and love are essential. i like quiet mouths with loud souls. i am the epitome of an oxymoron.






i am too lazy to write more. this was a pointless entry. maybe i will add to it another day.

get reckless. get going. wake up and realize.

i don't what this feeling is that keeps beating in my chest. this voice growing louder and louder within me. but its starting to shake the walls. its starting to scream. and i'm starting to believe it all.

its funny, i find myself at the strangest times. i realize things when its just after climax of anger or depression or frustration. and perhaps this is better, waiting for the terrible feeling to subside. knowing this too shall pass. knowing i can make it through. once next saturday is over i will be able to say i have survived. survived october. because october is always hard for me to come by. 2 years ago i hit rock bottom, literally. i was more than a mess. i was chaos. my body stained with red lines. horizontal. vertical. diagonal. the word "numb" carefully carved into my left arm. everything was suppose to hurt. i was suppose to feel. but i couldn't feel a thing. i was nothing. my mentality wasn't the open-mindedness and freedom it is today. it was a hurricane of thoughts. all i wanted was to be non-existent. to stop breathing. to feel the air expire. to have my heart stop beating. get asphyxiated. dead.

i was hospitalized for a couple of days because my parents and psychiatrist thought i was going to commit suicide in the next few days. to be honest, i remember planning my death. i think it was the wednesday i was put in the hospital and that friday i remember i was going to slit my wrists as hard and deep as i could and hope that i hit an artery or something and bleed to death. i remember not wanting to be alive.

And here I am 2 years later. Alive. Flawed. But happy. Finally. If anything, everyone will have a time in their life where they hit rock bottom. And it is your wake up call. I know what it's like to feel encompassed by darkness. Like everything is so helpless. hopeless. And you can't seem to comprehend how everyone keeps moving forward when you're living in slow motion, watching people pass by and living and you don't know how to get there. To be happy. You want it but it feels so far. I know that feeling. The mentality of liking being fucked up. because it gives you an excuse somehow that you're "different" that you've been broken, that you're damaged and no one can comprehend you because your problems are too complex for any human being to understand. I know the feeling all too well. How somehow in that moment where you're so overwhelmed you feel stuck. Unable to move. You don't know how to move forward. And everything spells disaster. But I know that pain is universal. And this era of darkness will pass. It'll take time. It is a process. You won't just wake up the next morning feeling better. I have had too many consecutive nights and days feeling numb and helpless. I don't know what it is but all I can say is you have to fight for yourself. Know that people love you. Because even though you aren't able to see the pain you're causing to them the people that matter will love you no matter what, even with all your imperfections, all the shit you put them through. But fight for them. Fight for the things you call important. Fight for your dreams. music. art. tomorrow. Because I promise you you will find a brighter day. And when it comes, know that you are alive.

the past few weeks have been nostalgic but a learning process. every day i learn something new. i always look forward to tomorrow...well most days. every day is a revolution. i'm starting to really believe in things. in people. in myself. in the music. in all the tiny details. in fairy tales. in things people think are absurd. in spontaneity. in art. in adventures. in all the cracks that form. in acceptance. in my voice. oh, and i'm up to 4 tattoos now. i got "believe" tattooed on my left wrist with a sparrow underneath about 2 weeks ago. it hurt like a bitch but i have to say with my strange pain tolerance only certain parts hurt compared to others.

"believe your voice can mean something."

so friday night i went to a halloween party. i felt kind of old considering it was mostly gr 11s & 12s. but its all good 'cause everyone was tanked as fuck and thank fucking god i was drunk. things got pretty rowdy. damn teenage grinding and overly hormonal fifteen year olds. too many alcoholic beverages and sloppy make out sessions. halloween costumes and chain smoking like a no good motherfucker. drugs and loud music. god knows, i at least was way classier at fifteen. not to mention innocent. i can't believe how juvenile some people are. nonetheless, i was pretty damn good. restricting myself, no kissing any boys because my heart belongs to some dumb boy that lives in pomo and doesn't even know he's pulling at my heart strings.

"you know how to do recklessness with class." as Alex says. damn straight i do.

i'm just a hot mess.

dancing it out.

l - r; kelly as frank the bunny, hamish & i being fierce, marisa making everyone a bunny.

the crew.

yeah, mish & i are quite the pair and hXc chain smoke when intoxicated.

fierce fuckers.

the awesome germans we met.

marisa, mish & i are the ultimate dance team.

i love dance parties.

this always makes me laugh, i don't know why.

hot mess.

friday nights; i love candids.

meese and i.

supermodels. ha.

i feel like the only girl out there who hasn't felt what [love] really is.










and i hate it.

this is my freedom.

the last couple days have been a roadtrip from my heart to my mind and back. i don't think its normal to feel this alive for so many consecutive days but maybe this is living. really living. if anything, i've moving through the pain, i'm growing up, growing into my own skin, letting the scars heal naturally. i think in all my 17 years my heart is finally open.

i've been living for quiet moments. like listening to the music that makes you feel so alive, that understands you on long bus rides. i love autumn, the way the colors all fall to the ground. skeletons of trees. acoustic guitar and cups of tea. messy hair. layers of sweaters. questioning, always.

if things with dylan are meant to be, they're meant to be. i have to remember i have NO CONTROL over the situation. its funny, i've been so impatient and yesterday he said he could go to the Gossip gig with me and now he can't. at first my heart felt heavy, so i went to bed, slept for 5 hours. i woke up feeling brand new but almost as if i was still dreaming. i thought i was dreaming that he wasn't coming. i wanted it to be a lie so bad. but it wasn't. and surprisingly, i'm okay with that. back to my point. before this whole dylan "dilemma" i lived for the unexpected, i constantly held hands for it, the words "let it be" tied around my neck. and just within the past what? 5 days i completely forgot those words i live my life by. i indulged in impatience, always trying to take control over the situation, over-analyzing. and look where i ended up? disappointed. but hey, every day's a learning process.

also, i've become really interested with the whole concept of "the laws of attraction" i don't know. perhaps to some it sounds absurd but i suppose i semi-believe it. believe. i completely agree with the fact that if you think positively, good things will happen to you. my mum always says "send out the love, even to those who have hurt you in the past, you wish them the best in their lives." i think if you send out the love, you'll receive it in return. but to "get what you want" doesn't just take believing, it takes effort. its an entanglement of both. you have to put you're entire focus in it, all your faith in it. you need to silence the fear. the insecurities. the doubts. completely abolish negativity. conversely, you have to accept whatever happens happens. believe that everything happens for a reason. but never stop believing. never give up. because you have to fight for it, you've got to want it.

i'm glad i have my mum to go to nowadays for advice. she is like buddha. haha. if anything, i am so grateful for everything's she's done for me and i am so friggin proud of her. i know her company is getting a shitton of recognition lately and a lot of people have made offers to her to buy her company but she loves it too much and all the people she works with to give it up. and i know her success is gonna explode. i know within the next couple of years its going to get big, its going to be supernova. but i love my mum. and she deserves everything. i actually talked to her about the whole "dylan situation" and she said "we're artists, we never take the easy way out, its always going to be difficult." but i understood. i like it when she tells me stories of how i was as a kid and how certain quirks still haven't changed. the fact that threats have never brought me down, honestly. i could have 83494829 time outs in one day and i wouldn't give a shit. my mum would take away my iPod or whatever music device i had at the time, i didn't care i would find another one or borrow my sister's. or the fact that i've always been a strong minded person with a strong personality. i've never been afraid to really be myself. to voice my opinions. she always tells me how i'm kind of a magnet for people. how i have some sort of personality or whatnot that attracts people. i think thats true. but i've only believed it now because i am finally in a state where i have centered myself, a place where i finally love myself.

& truth be told, whatever it is that has made me finally centered i am proud of myself. i am so close to 9 months without SI-ing. it's fucking insane! when you're in that state of mind where you feel so helpless, hopeless and overwhelmed. legit rock bottom. you think you're trapped forever, that happiness feels so distant, and you want it so bad but you don't know how to get there. but from what i know. it is a process. and being alive, you have to want it. you need to fight for it. for yourself. your heart. your friends. your family. for music. for all the things you call important. because it matters. and maybe today is blue but never fear tomorrow. because somewhere along the way, you will become your own revolution.

p.s i've started to use my tumblr a lot more, its main purpose is just to post pictures of things that inspire me or however i felt that day. its basically a bunch of whateverness. there's not a lot of context. but click the picture below if you want to check it out:

'cause the spaces between my fingers, are right where yours fit perfectly

Thursday night I had the benefit of seeing the lovely Adam Young aka known as Owl City. It was a +19 gig so I always get a bit antsy before these gigs. Actually, I get pretty anxious before every gig I go to. So I brought my friend Amanda who knew nothing about Owl City but whatevz, I bribed her into letting me buy her drinks for the night. 30 mins before the show we met this girl named Jenny, she totally thought we were 19 and was really surprised when I told her we were both 17 and 18. She laughed. It was crazy, she went to the gig by herself so I invited her to hang out with us. I think she thinks I'm an alcoholic with the fact I kept hitting up the bar ever so often. So we get inside, and there's mostly young 20 year olds and a couple people that totally look underage. The Scene Aesthetic is up, and they played a very cute set. It reminds me of 9th Grade when I went through all those kinds of bands. 'Manda ends up seeing these guys she'd met a couple times and decided to go up and talk to them. I joined her and instantly thought one of them was really cute. Manda and I were only talking to two of the guys at the time and I honestly can't even remember what the hell we were talking about. The other two guys joined in our conversation and it was weird, the really "scene" guy named Daniel and the douchey one named Rob we're kinda "hitting on" me I suppose. I later found out they both had gfs but acted really single that night. What the fuck. Daniel was kind of being an asshole to me in a jokingly way the entire night.

So the Scene Aesthetic started to finish up and Manda and I went out for a smoke. We ended up chatting with the bouncers, which BY THE WAY were super friggin chill and awesome. I ran back inside when I heard Owl City come on. I ended up finding the guys and I'm pretty sure everyone was totally tanked 'cause Dylan and I started a friggin dance party in the "mosh pit." Honestly, I don't think I focused very much on Owl City because I was too busy laughing at Dylan dorkily dancing with me. But from what I remember. Owl City was fucking amazing and Adam Young is damn adorable. He sounds x 8940823094892308 better live. And surprisingly, you can find a beat in any of his tunes and dance away. Basically, Dylan and I were dancing up a storm and somehow getting caught up in all of it, I have no idea where in God's name this came from, but I got the impulse // courage to kiss him (and trust me, I never take initiative for most things especially when it comes to guys and I for one NEVER make the first move.) From what I recall we ended up lip locking for a good 10 minutes and I could hear people around us being childish and being like OOOOOOOH. I was like what the fuck?! Oh and people thought it was thoroughly amusing how we started a dance party. When "Saltwater Room" came on it was so cute and Breanne Duren was there to perform with Owl City! Once they got offstage everyone wanted an encore so they came back on to play "Fireflies." Dylan and I went crazy it was pretty hilarious. But it was so cute 'cause near the end he held my hand. Afterwards, is kind of a blur for me because the crowd dispersed pretty fast but we were all talking together and we all ended up meeting The Scene Aesthetic and got autographs. I told the lead singer that they played a really cute set and he gave me a hug. Andrew from TSA gave me a hug too and liked my owl necklace. Jenny ended up doing apple pie birthday shots with him because his bday was the next day. LUCKY GIRRRRL.

I remember we were all talking in a group and I kept telling Daniel how much of an asshole he was being to me and then he was like "okay, lets hug it out" it was funny. Especially since I couldn't even justify myself on how he was being an asshole. Thank you, alcohol. Then all of a sudden Dylan pulls me aside and says "come here." And kisses me. We started making out and I remember him sitting in a chair, and because I am so vertically challenged we were at the same height. Just me, standing between his legs. Kissing. I don't know what it is but you know when you can just feel your heart detonating jubilance and you're both just entirely in the moment but you can't help but smile while kissing? Yeah, that's how I felt. And I don't think thats ever happened to me. I mean yeah, I've hooked up with boys before but Dylan was different. I don't think I could explain the amazing chemistry between us. I swear it was NOT just the alcohol talking. I remember asking him how old he was he said 19. And how drunk he was and he said half way there.

Drunk kisses. But I don't mind them. Embrace me. That feeling of being in such a crowded room but you and him are the only ones dancing alone. Me and my cigarette breath. Your hands on my waist. Closed eyes. Smiles. Biting lips. Letting go. You tasting like beer. Hands through your hair. Eskimo kisses. Chemistry. Bittersweet.

We finally got out of the venue and he automatically latched onto me. We waited at the bus stop together and he just held me and hugged me. It was funny because Manda was like "hey Dylan, can I have my best friend back?" I don't know what got into us. But we only took the bus to one stop, I think 'Manda knew that I wanted to prolong this moment as long as I could. When I had to leave, I gave him a hug and kissed him goodbye. The next day after my midterm exam, I received a text from him. Just saying "Good afternoon." Its kind of tragic how simple words make your heart smile. We've been texting for the past couple of days with 5 - 12 hour intervals in between texts. Let me tell you, I am the most impatient person ever. I invited him to the Gossip gig on Thursday and I haven't gotten a reply in a day. I don't know why I'm investing so much time in this. Oh, and after Jeremy I decided to go on a strike from boys. As in no hooking up, no sex, no kissing, nothing. I only lasted 2 weeks and 5 days.

This is precisely why I went on strike in the first place. My mind is a dangerous weapon. And I think I'm falling for him. A stranger. I hardly know this person. This is so fucking dumb. But why am I still trying? I need to stop over-analyzing but I can't help but question what his intentions are. All I know is that he seems sweet. And that we had intense chemistry there. And perhaps he is slightly interested. But there's all the in betweens. All the missing words. And usually when I hook up with guys I think they're attractive and its more of a physical thing. But I don't know. With Dylan it's different. There's this sense of just knowing you just click with someone. And I don't think it helps that he lives an hour and a half away, making him not so tangible is also making me fancy him even more. I discovered he's in a band, plays guitar, skateboards and takes photos. I am a sucker for all those things. And I don't think he even knows he's pulling at my heart strings. Oh to be seventeen and so naive. I haven't fancied someone like this in a really long time. Okay maybe frenchie. But that doesn't count because we went from strangers to doing the most intimate thing possible. So no. With Dylan, I don't even want to have sex with him, that says a lot okay. Considering I've just been hooking up with boys lately just for pleasure, which is really idiotic, I know. He's just so goddamn adorable, I can't handle it. Honestly. He's a freaking mash up of Mitchell Davis, frenchie & a brown haired version of Ron Weaseley. I can't even express how cute this boy is. I just really don't know what to do with myself. But I know I have to be patient with this. And I know I can't have expectations. I just need to let it be. But wow, writing this has taken me 4 hours. Its almost 4 am and I swear my insomnia has NOT been this bad in 2 years. I should not be allowed to think this much. But someone tell me, what is "love"? and apparently its amazing, i mean everyone talks about it, all the bands on sing about it, and everyone tells me its everywhere but i feel like i'm missing out big time and i have no idea how to find it.

seriously. i just want to get to know this kid. just dance. not even get drunk. just talk. lay in bed and listen to some Owl City or Bon Iver together. thats it.

all i want to do is ride bikes with you &
stay up late and watch cartoons.

everything in the face of a clock.

i know we all have felt like time has been going by too fast. but this time it's unlike anything else. someone tell me, where did september go? where are the days, the hours, these minutes going? i feel like i've been running so fast, no time to stop. breathe. i barely even have to time to just sit and read. or even do art. like actually MY art. not just assignments from school.

the homework is piling up, even though i am actually prioritizing my time i still can't seem to keep up. i just want to hit the pause button. i can't even remember a day when i actually could fall asleep peacefully and wake up feeling good. sleep feels so faraway. it always does.

i just want to runaway to Paris, as outrageously ridiculous as that may seem. i want to do it so badly.

and i know that saying "wherever you go, there you are" but right now it doesn't apply to me. maybe on another day it does. but not today. today, i miss that city. i miss the vibrance of such a beautiful culture. i miss 4 pm drinks and how exhaling smoke is actually considered classy there. i miss jen, frankie and i getting lost. i miss rides on the metro. i miss being free, roaming around the city. i miss wandering the streets at 3 am. i miss fancy champagne. i miss hearing everyone speak such a lovely, eloquent language. i miss people's bluntness. i miss always spotting a gypsy. i miss La Seine. i miss baguettes and real pasteries. i miss cafés on every block. i miss visiting monuments. i miss being surrounded by art and history every day. i miss all those pretty people. i miss the fashion. i miss avant-garde. i miss belonging. i miss feeling alive. i miss him.


and i know its all silly, believe me people think i'm insane. but i believe in this city so much and my love for it. and maybe i'm not there, but this love is still growing. and the naivety and stupidity of me still falling for him is delusional and incredibly absurd but this time, trying to shove the feelings in an empty box and throwing it away doesn't seem appropriate. i don't want to forget. i can't let go. i don't want these memories to fade. so i hold on. i still hold on.

There comes a time for everyone
To find a place where they belong
Feeling alone out on the ocean

Yours and mine are different yet the same
Go out, come back again
Harboring most of the emotion

Quand tu arrives a Paris
Tu ne veux pas partir
Quand to arrives a Paris
Tu ne peux que sentir
L'amourm la joie
Tu veux jamais rentrer chez-toi

it bothers the SHIT out of me how i KNOW you're an asshole but you're still cute to me.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

oh, and i have a 21 year old stalking me. great.

i don't understand the male species and i don't think i ever will.

run run run away, lost lost lost my mind.

pardon me if everything becomes nonsensical, i'm burning out from the high.

i feel like this has caused me to lose myself, it threw me off guard now i'm off the path completely unaware of what's happened. i don't know how to get back on track, i don't know how to find my way back. i just got lost, too quickly.

last weekend was one of the rowdiest four nights i have ever lived in my entire life. my friends from kenya who live in calgary came to van for a bit because we were all volunteering for We Day and my friend hannah came up from NYC too. Here I'll summarize:

Friday - tequila shots. vodka shots. ripped up shirts. local gigs. underground. moshpit. party puking. losing my 2 years of non-pukingness. it sucked. laughing in between vomit sessions, yeah i don't know how that works but that's me. messy drunkingness. become bffs with these 2 girls who knew this girl who we hated on our kenya trip and found out they weren't too big of a fan of hers either. seeing one of my past crushes and talking to him, it was nice. old feelings resurface. getting the spins. ty and kel & the calgary girls helping me out. ty carrying me to the cab. puking more. passing out. that night was my night of completely, disastrous drunkeness.

Saturday - probably the rowdiest day ever. i can't even remember. more tequila shots. ordering like 7 plates of limes and completely fogetting we even did that the next day! meeting gay guys. pretty much a gay boy fest in the hotel room. party of 20. inviting allan & adam from locomotive. seeing ty and nadia flirting = i am a genius at matchmaker. inviting jeremy...that was a complete bad idea. adam & allan totes being my braaaahs and calling each other "raffiki" (friend)

basically i fancied jeremy and he's a really sweet guy and all but laying in bed with him and talking for 9 hours...you really do find a lot about people in a short period of time. it was nice at first, kissing, making out, cuddling and spooning getting to know each other but suddenly now that i think of it it was naive, idiotic and impulsive. i found out he was 21 and well the 4 year age difference didn't really bother me, moreso the fact i could tell he is emotionally unstable and he MAY BE older than me but i'm sure as hell more mature than him. even hannah noticed. once he told me he suffered from severe panic attacks...something clicked and triggered inside me and announced that there was something odd about this boy. i got the feeling that he was one of those people that knew they had problems but didn't bother to try and solve them // change in order to get better. he was also kind of pushy, now that i think of it.

nonetheless Saturday was still my fave. oh and cassana totally stole the show for that night, being incredibly reckless and stripping in front of the gay guys and saying "guys! dress me!" josh and fraser helping her get dressed all fancy. haha. "tequila makes me horny and want boys!" "girl, i'm always into boys" i love gay boys. & cass drunk dialing her sister and crying. funniest thing ever.

Sunday - all of us hung over for We Day orientation and everyone knowing. meeting lauren. she is my fave new drunk. calgary girls getting rowdy. feeling kinda shitty about sat. amira running through a fountain. it was her night. amir puking. inviting jeremy again to sleepover out of impulse and lack of comfort. in the morning hannah waking up to me on top of jeremy, making out and shirtless. FML. that was way too embarrassing and han is never going to let me live that down.

afterwards, i felt kind of weird about it. i called him because i am impulsive and want comfort and safety but he doesn't give that to me. temporarily i feel safe but in all honesty, i feel discouraged and my intuition kicks in and knows i am NOT comfortable. yet i got along with it because i fight the feeling and try to prove something to myself that i am okay with this and maybe i can actually get a bf.

Monday - got hella baked with cass. giving dov another chance. his impression = unsuccessful. it has been confirmed he is a REAL FUCKING IGNORANT asshole. cannot even begin to describe how insulting he was about kenya and my humanitarian work. cass and i were so mortified he would even say such things to us when he clearly KNOWS we're passionate about kenya and free the children. dumbass. cass and i getting munchies and having a really fucking scary intense movie moment: cass freaking out and telling me we had to get out of the 7/11 because all the asian guys looked like they were in an asian gang and ready to shoot up the place, no fucking joke. booking it to McDicks and having really intense in-depth philosophical talks. having a staring game on who would laugh first, i lost every time. forgetting time.



lately, i've been very intuitive. picking up the tiniest details and sensing people's energies. seeing people's hearts. learning the outlines of my insides. i know what i feel. i can't deny it. i can't lie to myself. i kind of regret doing what did with Jeremy, i thought he was something else but i was wrong. i mean, he is a lovely person but not for me. we can only be friends...but even that i'm not entirely sure of. i realize i attract broken people but not in terms of engrossing myself in negative energy but i feel as if its to help them with their pain. to teach them something. heal their hearts. fill the void. learn their story.

i regret telling him mine. it was impulsive. i remember the exact words that exhaled from my breath. it felt deliberate. to gain some sort of sympathy. understanding. a wanting. a need to feel safe. but i didn't get the reaction i wanted. i know, how cruel right? false hope. i contradicted myself. "now i feel compelled to tell you my story." how fucking stupid am i? but what's said has been said. and what's done is done. what can you do? i can't linger on this anymore. its only going to be more detrimental to my already complicated heart. i didn't really like the way he kissed me. it didn't feel natural. like he was trying to hard to impress me. as if he had more experience because he was oh, "21." and i felt he was immature on the part that he tries to act like a guy who's my age in order to seem "cool." and he agrees with me too much. yes, i can in fact pick up on the strangest things about people upon actually getting to know them in 48 hours. i wanted to prove to myself, that maybe this was it, that this could actually happen, having someone. on saturday i did truthfully fancy him, i told him i did and we discussed the options of "dating." he mentioned we could "see other people" and he was so fixed on the vision that other guys would ask me out. he was extremely keen on it, when i kept saying i highly doubt it...it was strange. i asked why and he said "because you're really pretty." okay, that was kind but perhaps he knows something i don't know. funny thing, he thought i was 20. I DON'T THINK I LOOK 20 AT ALL. i can understand at least 18 or 19 but 20? that's pushing it. haha. he said i'm kind of intimidating. here we go again with the intimidation. i still don't understand that because i honestly don't think i come off that way. he said it's because i'm really outgoing and my attire is very "out there" and how i don't give a shit what people think and that i'm real. i always find it strange hearing things that you can't believe about yourself. that i will go into on another day.

monday i knew this wasn't right. i felt uncomfortable. it didn't feel right. i could sense he was a bit controlling. demanding. i didn't like that and it creeped me out. he texted me 3 times today. haven't responded. i don't know how to tell him i'm just not into him anymore. i know, what i did seems like a bitch thing but right now i know myself...i think. i don't want to lead him on, i don't want to play on false hope anymore. i don't want to lie to myself to try and prove something when i know deep down it is completely wrong. and for once, i need to protect my heart. i can't help feel what i feel.


so right now, while Karen O sings soft melodies in my ear at 2:50 am on a brand new Monday night, i have 2 options: live in regret, indulge in depression and negativity and hate myself forever for such impulsive actions or move on, be fearful but be brave, be honest and protect your heart, know who you are and don't let others walk all over you. i think i'm going with plan b. i am scared and hurt and nervous and regretful but at the same time another milestone to be created. i think all of this recklessness and living too fast sometimes takes a toll on me, or anyone for that matter. sometimes you need to slow down and realize wait a minute. this isn't right. and just think about it. stop. i'm glad i picked up on this quicker because i don't even want to know what kind of entanglement this could've gotten me into. i'm not looking for "love" i'll let the unexpected guide me. because right now i realize i'm pretty okay with just my own company. i don't need a boy. i don't need some sort of comfort. i don't need sex. i am okay now.

if anything, i know that i just like laying in bed and talking. but that can wait another day.

oh, and my obsessive love with Paris still continues. i talked to frenchie again today ohmygod how that made my heart smile. i don't even care if he doesn't fancy me. just talking to him briefly made everything so nostalgic and alive again.


p.s watch Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs baked, it is so visually orgasmic. just rainbows of colors. euphoria. trust me.