Fears right now:

1) You're a waste of time & space.

2) I'm wasting my time.

3) You're a player.

4) You're playing my heart.

5) I am not good enough.

6) She[s] better.

7) The obvious: you don't fancy me back.

8) You think I'm awkward or strange or both.

9) You know I fancy you.

10) And if you know, you're scared to say something.

I NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, GET OVER MYSELF,

LET GO OF THE FEARS, GIVE MYSELF SOME SELF-LOVE,

SHOULD BE PROUD OF MYSELF THAT I'VE EVEN GOTTEN

THIS FAR, AND JUST HOPE, AND JUST LET IT BE.

Note to self: Kendahl, YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS.

It is what IT IS. Just breathe. Let it be. Let this unfold for itself, don't force it.

You never know, something just amazing might happen. It just takes patience.

p.s BELIEVE.

FUCK YOU BOY, COME WITH ME TO THE EFFING GIG.

EMIT OPTIMISM SO YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND.

x

So I'm semi-convinced J fancies me or 

is at least interested in me.

Jew dinner went well, 

despite the fact Nich & I were

hella nervous about it.

This is what you get for over-analyzing

situations and distorted thinking.

We thought it would be really awkward

and nerve wracking but to our astonishment,

it turned out pretty fun.

Well, I mainly had more reasons to be nervous

considering I had to apologize to Nat's dad.

It went over pretty well, he actually just laughed about 

that Saturday night and was really nice about it. 

But it was strange, I noticed J kept talking to me

the whole night. It was quite interesting.

Mostly conversing about bands that Nat disliked. haha.

She's not exactly fond of the whole "pop-punk" genre.

He mentioned that I was dragging her to the We The Kings gig

on Tuesday, which by the way I am EXTREMELY stoked for.

I laughed and said, unfortunately I am. 

It was so weird because we were both going for the same reason:

to see WTK and Hey Monday we didn't care much for The Academy Is.

But he told me I should check out "Friday Night Boys"

and I did, and they're surprisingly really catchy.

Oh, and because I showed Nat the "Check Yes Juliet" video

she kept saying "Hey Hey Juliet are you with me?" and I'd be like

"NO! It's Check Yes Juliet!" Haha.

So at the dinner we had to drink Jewish wine in these mini

shot-glass looking cups. And I didn't really know what to do

with it and he kept laughing me. He was all like "I was going

to make a joke but I decided not to." I was like "fine!"

Nich was making fun of me because I thought I had to take it

as a shot. Oh and by the way, her family will NEVER LIVE THAT

SATURDAY NIGHT DOWN. SERIOUSLY.

Her mum was all like "only 1 beer for you!" ahhahahahaha.

At the dinner table, J kept talking to me. 

Mostly about bands. And he told me how the last thing

I said to him when they dropped me off was "sorry you had to witness this."

WOW, EMBARRASSING. But quite funny. I sadly don't recall saying that.

Yeah, we can all just forget about that night.

Crap. I hate this feeling.

I don't want to pursue this. 

Why does age matter so much to me?

When I'm all about fucking the rules.

Forget the structure of society.

Anarchist unleashed. 

I should just let it be.

i'm falling in love but it's falling apart,

i need to find my way back to the start.

It scares me a bit how in only a short period of time

I've lost 4 pounds. I am 88.7 pounds.

protruding hipbones.

apparent rib cages.

truth be told, i swear i fancy him more than i should.

a million miles away, where he can't hear my heart the way it beats for him.

persuasion. persuasion.

temptation. temptation.

hopeless. sensation.

i can't let go of this now, i'm having too much fun. ;)

my self-esteem just went to negative 53.

i want to crawl in a hole and die.

or just numb this pain.

ifeelsofuckinguglybeyonddescription.

i should never leave the house.

i don't want to be here anymore.

I swear I'm suffering from Season Affective Disorder.

I am dreading this weather.

It's October which reminds me of last year.

Next week will mark my time in the hospital.

I don't know why the images of being there

still linger in my mind.

I wish I could rid my soul of pain and suffering.

I just don't want to get up in the mornings.

And I am constantly feeling physically,

mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I hate feeling like this because it's even harder

to swim for my life.

"In the sun" by Joseph Arthur has

been on repeat for the past hour.

I love this song.

But it always makes me think too much,

or make me depressed/cry.

It's a beautiful song though.

Today feels different and unproductive.

I need to study but I could care less at the moment.

My mind's occupied by a gazillion thoughts

and I'm losing my concentration in the process.

I'm reminded about India.

And how it made me who I am today.

But I know that I left my heart there.

I would do anything to go back to such

a place with so much contrast.

A beautiful disaster.

I don't know how to stand up without falling back down.

I don't know how to move forward without letting go.

I don't know how to function without thinking about the vices.

I don't know how to love because I can't even love myself.

I don't know.

I never fucking know.

I wish someone could just hold me.

I want to sleep for eternity.

i feel depressed for no legitimate reason.

the events of yesterday night are a blur of

too much vodka, unfamiliar faces and somehow regrets.

i'm just really infuriated with myself that i

drank too much than intended to which

caused me to miss the party bus.

plus, i feel so fucking terrible that nat & nichola

had to take care of me. 

and on top of that, nat's dad had to drive us back

to my house and freaking jack was there.

and i pretty much looked like a walking disaster.

i looked hideous, i swear.

god, i feel so ashamed and embarrassed he had to

see me in such an awful state.

i don't know why i'm over-thinking this or

why i'm getting so incredibly upset about this.

i'm the biggest fucking idiot ever.