i owe myself a long fucking post but i'm still high on m and my brain hurts but fuck, i think someone just stole my heart and this feels amazing.

x

FREE BITCH.

Someone like me always changes. I am in a constant state of revolution. I'm not just talking about myself, my perspective, my style, my hair etc. etc. I'm talking about my emotions as well. I'm as bipolar as the sporadic Vancouver weather. I'm an indecisive piece of shit and I can never make up my mind. One day I'll be this and I'll convince everyone that this is what I want or this is what it is and this is how I feel and 24 hours later I will be a complete contradiction and criticize everything I agreed with the day before. My mind is an island of complexity.

I convinced myself for a while that it was okay talking to you again, that despite the fact that you were in a relationship I let myself be "the other girl." If I'm going to be honest with myself, I'll admit I liked the attention you gave me. I enjoyed the compliments, all that flattery, all your words that seemed so believable, so real. I believed in you too much and I cared about you more than I should have. You had my empathy, you had me so easy and of course my intuition had me completely cornered. Even though I enjoyed staying up all night with you, making each other laugh, talking to you on the phone until I fell asleep, I know that I couldn't keep lying to myself about this.

Its not so much that I feel hurt about it, its the fact that you lied, I forgave you, I let you in again but this time around I won't let myself get destroyed twice. I thought about it all, how it all seemed really nice and lovely in my head but the truth always kills the fantasy, what I know, what you know, what's really been displayed here. I no longer have the same feelings as you do, in fact all that was there, butterflies, increased heartbeats, its all dwindled down to nothing. I don't feel a thing, not even a centimeter of attraction. none. zero. zilch. I'm happy though because this way I don't have to deal with your fucking bullshit anymore. Honestly, don't tell me you "love me" and will "do anything" for me and apologize over and over again because I could care less. YOU HAVE A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. DO YOU NOT GET THAT IN YOUR HEAD? I live 438290482390482390482309482394 miles away from you. WE LIVE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. I'M JUST A GIRL FROM THE FUCKING INTERNET. THAT'S ALL I'LL EVER BE. So save me the petty apologies, you on your knees begging for forgiveness, the "i love yous", the "we'll take things slow." Fuck it.

I'm done, over it, moving on. Sorry, I'm not going to waste my fucking time on some guy who lives in California who's okay with lying to himself, not to mention is IN a relationship and can't seem to be honest with anyone. No thanks. So you can take all your sorrys and shove it. Because honestly, I'm sick of this shit. I refuse to get my heart absolutely trashed all over again and you know what? I couldn't be happier. Moving forward. I can feel myself healing again and glow optimism. I definitely not one to let someone walk all over me and repeatedly go through the same cycle over and over again. So I hope you realize what YOU NEED to be focusing on is your REAL LIFE RELATIONSHIP and figure your shit out because I'm a FREE BITCHY, BABY.

p.s I realize I need to stop making drafts and leaving them for days and then continuing to finishing them because I always feel like the beginning of my posts never make sense by the end of it.

unreachable.

this is from my private tumblr & i felt the need to post this even though i wrote this a week ago and feelings have changed, i guess.

i wish you could just let me be. i know this was just the internet but its a shame how much i fell for you. and vice versa. i can't seem to process those three words that expelled from your mouth, that seem to float atop my head every night and every day. how they seem to stab this organ beating in my chest every time they are repeated in my fucking mind. "i'm not single." i don't understand how someone could fancy you, let alone say "i love you" and the entire time saying such lovely things to you have a fucking girlfriend. everything is so incomprehensible. your hypocrisy is even more of an addition to your dishonesty. when i think about all this all i feel is numb. and slowly the immobilization becomes frustration, then sadness, and ending with pain. i know you're sorry, i know you care, i know you never meant to hurt me but its so hard to believe all these apologies, all these pleads for forgiveness when it was YOU who created the disaster in the first place. i read the conversations i saved and they make my heart heavy.

if you were honest with me in the first place i wouldn't have mind. i wouldn't have let myself get this attached. we could've at least been friends. you didn't have to be cruel and lead me on with this. you not only lied to me but to her and to yourself. you let me down. and i don't know why its become increasingly difficult to eliminate you from my memory. i hate that i miss you, that i still care, how in some extremely absurd way i still fancy you. but everything hurts too much. i can't talk to you right now, i need you to leave me alone. i need to isolate myself from you because having any form of contact with you is a bullet to the chest.

the night you told me was terrible. i remember it all. it was all such bad timing. i had relapsed from my one year free of self-injury, i was already in a depressive state and then there you went blurting out the brutal truth. i didn't handle it well. all my insides felt like collapsing. loss of all sense of hope. i freaked out. ripped off a razorblade from one of my paintings and proceeded in the act i tried so hard to escape from. my right arm is now completely slashed but slowly healing. i regret impulsively making those lacerations but in that moment i needed a distraction from what i was feeling or maybe i just needed to feel, to ease the pain swelling up in my heart. it didn't help. like it always does. temporary relief but even so i can't even feel a fucking thing after 365 days. nothing. just red colors bulging and running down my arm. disbelief.

i hate that i miss you. i miss your smile, your laugh, all the cute things you said to me, your lovely hair, how you'd play certain songs because they reminded you of me, how you made me laugh, how you made me feel pretty, how you strangely understood me. when you told me you [loved] me i refused to believe you because no one had ever said that to me before. my belief that this was all just an infatuation. i kept asking you, how do you know this is real? you told me you couldn't explain it but you just knew. you know if it was actually the truth, those three small words, perhaps i actually believe(d) you. and maybe, just maybe i may have "loved you." parts of you at least. but it wasn't your appearance, your good looks, the cute messages that bought me in, it was the fact that you [loved] me even with my dangerous past, my scars, with everything that was broken within me. flawed and damaged but you didn't mind.

i know you're not a terrible person, that you didn't mean to hurt me but you did. you're a damaged soul. i know that. i know there are things inside you that ache and make your heart heavy. i know that you have heart and that you care, you're a gentle soul just a bit bruised, a bit broken.

a week later as much as i've forgiven you in a way, i still think about all this. i should hate you for this, i should never talk to you again, erase your existence in my mind, ignore you completely but still i hold on. its this constant battle in my head, push and pull, this fucking tug-of-war of what to do, what to do, what to do. i continue to talk to you as if it everything is okay, i hate how you always redeem yourself because you say all the right things and maybe i'm being foolish because i believe all your words but i know you're not lying. at least i hope you're not. this is just so complicated. the fact that you [love me] more yet you're still with her but the only reason why you choose to hold onto her is because you know if you break up with her she'll become an emotional wreck and do something stupid and attempt suicide and end up in the hospital and being a student with a 4.3 GPA she'll give up on it. and as much as i hate being the other girl, everything is kind of inevitable 'cause my feelings are in the way of everything and maybe i can't think rationally but i don't think i ever could in the first place. i convince myself that i'm okay with this somehow, how you always talk to me, how you're always wondering how am, how my day went. its completely different when i see your face on the screen and everything changes. and i feel so mindless because this sounds so absurd but somehow this speaks normalcy. i've never done anything cliche, by the book, the way society fits things together to make things seem proper or this-is-the-way-it-should-be. i just don't think its fair to her that you keep leading her on like this when you obviously don't have the same feelings you initially had. poor girl. but at the same time as much as i feel slightly terrible, this is his shit he has to deal with and i don't have control over his choices. i just don't know sometimes. i want to be able to feel safe within his words. but sometimes i only believe it for a while and then i think about everything and wonder if everything is just fiction. i know i'm getting partially mindfucked here and i'm risking my heart and emotional well being but i know i told myself at the beginning, i don't care what this does to me. i chose to do this. and perhaps this is some reckless mess but as much as i look at the negativity of it all, there is so much happiness at the same time. such contrast. we make each other happy as hell, its ridiculous. how we just get each other. and i know i keep reiterating on how absolutely ludicrous this may sound but i don't care, this is what it is and this is what i'm dealing with. its just terrifyingly amazing how well he can read me, how he knows when i'm upset or when something is wrong even if i try so hard to keep perfectly composed on camera, somehow he knows within the words i choose to say. or how he always fucking knows just how to make a smile miraculously appear across my face. how we stay up until the sun comes up talking to each other. or how the other day i went online really late but he had to go but he really wanted to talk to me so he asked me to call him and like several times before we fell asleep on the phone together. i just don't know because i feel like i'm doing something wrong, or maybe i'm lying to myself but i can't help but think that even though this is absolutely confusing and complex as hell, somehow in the disorder of it all he makes me so utterly content beyond disbelief and that's what really gets me every time. this is 100 % incomprehensible to me as it is to anyone i've told this to but i can't deny the way i feel about him and maybe i'm fucking mental but this, this is it.

i've been running this entire situation, every detail, every word, every memory over and over again, dissecting everything to the core and as much as i analyze it all, it has nothing to do with security, or wanting attention, or feeling needed or loved. its none of those things, it basically all comes down to the fact that in all of this chaos he makes my heart smile and that for one is the most genuine thing of all.

i know i'm stronger than i used to be but i can't help but feel like the self-injury is never going to stop. even if i don't do it excessively like before, how i used to do it every day and sometimes as much as possible because i couldn't deal with the emotional pain. maybe i'm just really fucked in the head because i love and hate my scars. its always this bloody tug-of-war in my head. i know i have control, i know i have a choice but sometimes i choose to slip. to feel. some scarred skin tissue, a reminder that i'm alive. i do it for so many fucking reasons it's absurd; control, to feel, numb the emotional pain, distraction, punishment, impulsion ---> frustration, depression, anger, relief etc. etc.

i was extremely impulsive yesterday and i did something that i regret and i'm not even going to lie was fucking stupid. i'm not going to blame the alcohol because i know i did this for a reason, i had a choice and i decided to try and fix something within me but obviously that didn't work out. so me being the drunken idiot i am, i have a tendency to get quite affectionate and horny. i can't help it if i'm sexually frustrated and its been 7 fucking months. okay fine, 2 months if you count everything but intercourse. so i went to some masquerade party with frankie, meesa and julian and we all got pretty smashed. all jules wanted was to make out with someone and i kept telling them how i wanted to get laid. (i know, i'm a dunce.) so i found out jules was still a virgin, go figure i knew it from the beginning. and he was all like i'm 18 and i just want to let loose. so frankie and i were drunk as fuck and being like okay fine this is a one time thing, it doesn't count, it doesn't mean anything, we're just gonna do it. basically i stole julian's virginity and it was THE WORSE FUCK i've ever had. mainly because 1) he was a virgin = inexperienced & 2) he's quite small in the department down below. it actually lasted less than 5 mins before i was like (in my head) yeah this is shit, this isn't satisfying and i'm done. then frankie had sex with him and cheers for her i guess because she wanted to lose it for so long but i don't think she enjoyed it that much. i don't feel awkward about it just the fact that wow, that was just super SHIT. mainly i'm just pissed because i'm still sexually frustrated and the fact that i kinda feel bad that i stole julian's virginity because it probably wasn't that great, and i refused to give him a bj or anything of that sort. but if i think about it its kind of a huge WTF, 'cause its julian and i hate him like 70 % of the time and i still think he's gay. i hope he is. he should be. like for fuck sake, come out of the closet already.

this post was kind of pointless but i needed to get that out and the fact that i'm bipolar as hell today.

all i feel is numb. completely numb. i wish i could be on mdma forever. eurphoria for eternity. 

its so hard to smile. heart is heavy. head hurts too much. i can't process anything. FUCK.

and to think things would get better. everything just got x 489032849203842390 more out of control in the last hour. my right arm is completely slashed. i don't give a fuck. my heart hurts more than anything. i would rather die than choose to live. this is fucking ridiculous. i hate how one second i really think i can make it, i really believe in myself that everything is going to be fucking okay and the next second everything is completely obliterated. i'm glad people enjoy fucking me over. i hope you fancied watching my heart break. lying not only to me but yourself. to your fucking girlfriend. i feel sorry for her. now i know, you can't trust fucking anyone. i've been really thinking lately, i don't think i'd ever want to have children because when they grow up they'll know how goddamn cruel and terrible this world really is. i can't even fully express the amount of sadness and anger and frustration that is boiling in my veins and engulfing me whole. i hate how people expect forgiveness or an explanation right after the truth is laid out. but i'm glad i asked for the truth 'cause i'd rather hear brutal honesty over any plate of bullshit any day. for all you fuckers that would rather hear lies, GOOD FOR YOU. because i'm glad you're buying into all the deception, so continue pretending, acting like everything is fucking fine because the truth fucking hurts. even though it hurts like hell i'd have it any day. at least you know. at least you're no longer listening to all the bloody prevarications that pretty boy's been telling you for the last month or so. all the compliments mean nothing. all the sweet little lies veiled by your choice of icing and sprinkles have been unveiled.

the things that infuriates me the most is all the "i love yous" FUCK YOU. that's the number one thing you should NEVER DO to me. EVER. don't say those three words when you don't even fucking mean it. it just proves my point even more just how every guy i end up fancying somehow always fucks me over in the end. how i just get walked all over, used and abused. that's what they do. destroy this pretty girl. i confide in you, i learn to trust you, i care for you and maybe i just lack the intelligence to see all these fabrications. entice me with compliments and cute sayings because now i know they were all fiction. its even harder because i feel that now, i can never allow myself to [love] anyone in that way. ever. my heart will remain bruised and closed for a long period of time now. i'd just love to decay. break all my bones. laceration upon laceration. make myself uglier. i don't even care. everything to me is fathomless. well at least i lost my phone so i don't have to see all those fucking messages i saved from you. my insides are already deteriorating. i hope you're fucking happy. never trust anyone but yourself.

everyone just wants to annihilate you eventually. they'll kill to watch you fall. and i did. so i hope you're fucking smiling. this is all just too much for me right now. one terrible thing after another. THIS COULDN'T GET ANY FUCKING WORSE. and by the way for all those times you acted protective and jealous as if i were yours FUCK YOU.

because watching my heart get eradicated and damaged to the extreme is such a beautiful scenery.

to myself.

Dear me,

you are going to be okay. you will pick yourself up off the ground. you will live again. this is not the end of the world. i know right now you feel stuck. like this vicious cycle will constantly return in the most ugliest of ways but you have to fight it. you can't just expect it to go away. you have to make the effort. you need to want to get rid of it. to fix this. fix your mind. your heart. heal the scars. i know this depression is a constant battle. that sometimes you can't help but feel sad for no reason. but you can overcome this. and you are bigger and better than this. you are strong. you are beautiful. you are not defeated. you have not failed yourself. you are amazing and you have the ability to change the world. to do whatever you want. to inspire. to love. to live. to smile. perhaps right now everything feels like it got out of control again. how possessions were lost. how your number one cure for everything seemed to fucked up. but these materials things you have to remember, they can be replaced. they can be fixed. they do not define you. do not let them define you. remember india and kenya. remember all those children who made your heart smile, how anyone questions their beautiful faces, the ridiculous amounts of laughter that echo from them, how can they possibly be happy when they have next to nothing? you know the answer. because they've learned to genuinely love. they know a life of community. they've never had these opportunities. these chances. all these things you own they will never know. so think about it this time. as much as this is frustrating you have to look at the bigger picture. it isn't the end of the world. and i know that boy in california how he loves you and you don't understand it. how can you possibly miss someone you've never even met? how all of this is incomprehensible. but maybe that's it. maybe this isn't cliche. what everyone else has. this is yours and you need to recognize that. you were never meant for mediocrity or whatever [normalcy] is. you were never meant to conform or indulge in what everyone thinks is "cool." you have always been reckless. dangerously rebellious. but most of all, fearless. i know he's a huge mindfuck and you don't understand how someone can possibly [love] you when all you [think] you do is hurt them, with this scar-stained body, with a mind as complicated as yours but maybe that's it. [loving] someone with all their imperfections. all that's broken. and i know its just the internet but you know yourself too well that you have this huge fucking heart to not care. perhaps the rest of the world may think you're insane, that's you're stupid or that this is just a little bit ridiculous but who cares? and besides, being irrational has always been a part of you. but hold onto this. and hold onto the people that matter. talk about what's hurting. don't keep it in a bottle. you know how detrimental that is. people love you. you are not alone. even though people may seem distant you know they are always there for you. if anything, these people you call your friends you mean everything to them and they would never ever want to see you hurting like this. they want to help you, you just have to trust them. believe in them. and you have choices. always remember that. you don't have to pick up the blade. you have control over that. you can choose not to. and i know sometimes its difficult because you want to feel and you don't know what to do with all these emotions. they can be overwhelming its understandable. but you cannot succumb to your demons. you have all the equipment, all the right tools and power to fight this. them. love yourself. believe in yourself. in the things you call important. you can do this. it's not the end.

Love,

Kendahl.

x

i don't care if i'm being a materialistic bitch. but honestly WHAT THE FUCK. first i lost my fucking cell phone and now my iPod erased all my fucking songs // won't connect to iTunes.

its one thing that i lost my phone but my iPod. no one understands how fucking much music means to me. and all the fucking playlists that are lost now.

i hate everything. and i don't fucking care that i've relapsed. i'm out of control. and i don't know how to fucking get out of this.