I always do this to myself. Procrastination. It's what every fucking young person seems to be good at. There's probably a generation of us. All lost, head in the clouds, building empires in our minds, always dreaming of wanting to be someone // somewhere else. It's this nonsensical battle within myself that actually is super simple to resolve yet I refuse to admit it. I let all my work build up until the last minute, somehow in my fucked up brain I get this "thrill" this "rush" that I can keep pushing and pushing until it leads me to act out and become self-distructive. It is all me and I know it. It's so fucking simple. All I really need to do is just sit THE FUCK DOWN AND JUST DO IT. But I am always distracted. I live through these webpages. Looking at all the things I wish I could have, lusting over cities I wish to return, places I've never been, all these people I admire, all the music I want to be surrounded by, all the clothes and shoes that glitter, all the lives I have yet to live. I am always stuck in daydreaming, it's almost exhausting. It overwhelms me. And I also watch the clock. I am so fucking good at wasting time. If this was a real profession, hell I'd excel in it hardcore. It's honestly just a vicious cycle I continue to put myself in. I let everything escalate until there's hardly any time, and here I am again with another late night staying up til 5 am writing another essay I partially don't give a shit about. The thing is I don't hate school, I actually love all my classes this semester but I've never been quite the academic type. I love learning, don't get me wrong but being in a school setting has never been a place of comfort or anything short of easy. I suppose in a way that's why I fancy rebelling it so much. Somehow I think that procrastination is my own secret of saying 'FUCK YOU' for a couple days until I actually feel the pressure becoming so immense, I just have to buckle down and get to work. How fucking senseless am I? I mean really, it all comes down to discipline. The thing is I know that straight up. I know this yet it is so impossible for me to actually commit and just get right down to it. The most ludicrous part of this is that I allow myself to become so distressed from letting the situation intensify, and it is not always a pretty scenery. Salutation to Sean for putting up with my trainwreck ways for almost 3 years, seriously. I am a real joy to be around when shit hits the fan. Let's just say things can get pretty heavy and detrimental, and it's all because of my choices. My lack for discipline, my deficiency for time management. And all I ever want to do is sleep it all away. I guess ignorance is bliss.
