torn.

i don't feel like explaining myself. but all i know is that i haven't felt this depressed or frustrated or angry in a really long time. and my god, this deathly combination of emotions, i forgot how awful this feels. i am completely vulnerable. i didn't know this would hurt this much. i thought i could handle myself, everyone thought i could handle this but i guess i can't. i keep going over the situation over and over again and nothing makes sense. i want to figure this out, i want to process this, i want to move on, i want to be able to be fearless, to be happy again. to see you without being scared. to talk to you but i can't. i can't do any of this right now. and tuesday night keeps replaying the same scene, like a broken record. i did not want to end 2009 or start 2010 like this. this wasn't supposed to happen. i was suppose to be happy.

all the words that fell from your lips keep echoing in the perimeters of my skull. i don't understand this. i didn't know i meant that much to you. i didn't know you couldn't breathe without me but you are too afraid to move forward. you can't do this. you are terrified. if this is what heartache is supposed to feel like it feels like drowning in hell. i know i still want you in my life and i know you still want me in yours but i don't know if i can do this. its too hard. knowing the attraction is still there, knowing i am always // still goddamn emotionally attached. i am doing everything in my power to heal but i can't even lie this hurts so much. i am willing to sacrifice my feelings for the sake of our friendship. but i don't even know. i'm usually the one with all the answers, i've come so far in this and returning to old ways has never felt so appropriate. the temptation is killing me so badly. the skin on my wrists are begging to feel. but i know i am stronger than this. i can't let my demons win. next month will make it a year. i am so fucking close but this feels impossible. is it possible to realize you may have potentially loved someone so much that even though they bring out your best, they make your heart smile, they make you feel infinite when you are within their presence that you have to let them go? you have to detach yourself even though you can't breathe without them, even though they can't breathe without you you have to let them go.

i am so torn inside and out.










but raffiki, i will love you always.