to myself.

Dear me,

you are going to be okay. you will pick yourself up off the ground. you will live again. this is not the end of the world. i know right now you feel stuck. like this vicious cycle will constantly return in the most ugliest of ways but you have to fight it. you can't just expect it to go away. you have to make the effort. you need to want to get rid of it. to fix this. fix your mind. your heart. heal the scars. i know this depression is a constant battle. that sometimes you can't help but feel sad for no reason. but you can overcome this. and you are bigger and better than this. you are strong. you are beautiful. you are not defeated. you have not failed yourself. you are amazing and you have the ability to change the world. to do whatever you want. to inspire. to love. to live. to smile. perhaps right now everything feels like it got out of control again. how possessions were lost. how your number one cure for everything seemed to fucked up. but these materials things you have to remember, they can be replaced. they can be fixed. they do not define you. do not let them define you. remember india and kenya. remember all those children who made your heart smile, how anyone questions their beautiful faces, the ridiculous amounts of laughter that echo from them, how can they possibly be happy when they have next to nothing? you know the answer. because they've learned to genuinely love. they know a life of community. they've never had these opportunities. these chances. all these things you own they will never know. so think about it this time. as much as this is frustrating you have to look at the bigger picture. it isn't the end of the world. and i know that boy in california how he loves you and you don't understand it. how can you possibly miss someone you've never even met? how all of this is incomprehensible. but maybe that's it. maybe this isn't cliche. what everyone else has. this is yours and you need to recognize that. you were never meant for mediocrity or whatever [normalcy] is. you were never meant to conform or indulge in what everyone thinks is "cool." you have always been reckless. dangerously rebellious. but most of all, fearless. i know he's a huge mindfuck and you don't understand how someone can possibly [love] you when all you [think] you do is hurt them, with this scar-stained body, with a mind as complicated as yours but maybe that's it. [loving] someone with all their imperfections. all that's broken. and i know its just the internet but you know yourself too well that you have this huge fucking heart to not care. perhaps the rest of the world may think you're insane, that's you're stupid or that this is just a little bit ridiculous but who cares? and besides, being irrational has always been a part of you. but hold onto this. and hold onto the people that matter. talk about what's hurting. don't keep it in a bottle. you know how detrimental that is. people love you. you are not alone. even though people may seem distant you know they are always there for you. if anything, these people you call your friends you mean everything to them and they would never ever want to see you hurting like this. they want to help you, you just have to trust them. believe in them. and you have choices. always remember that. you don't have to pick up the blade. you have control over that. you can choose not to. and i know sometimes its difficult because you want to feel and you don't know what to do with all these emotions. they can be overwhelming its understandable. but you cannot succumb to your demons. you have all the equipment, all the right tools and power to fight this. them. love yourself. believe in yourself. in the things you call important. you can do this. it's not the end.

Love,

Kendahl.

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