it is so unbelievably easy to destroy myself in seconds. i haven't felt this shitty in so long. i could blame it on the fact that i am getting sick or that i'm just having an off day. i just hate everything and everyone today.

i don't why the smallest things have started triggering my anger again. 'causing this chain reaction of events, feelings. you could say i have jealousy problem, you could say i'm just idiotic for even caring about such things, you could say i'm just feeling sorry for myself. i already feel stupid for feeling the way i am but today is just unbearable.

it's funny, people think i have a bit strong backbone but only to a certain degree. i can collapse so easily, everything can be demolished within moments. my confidence, i don't really know where it's been lately, suddenly i've just indulged in self-pity and doubt and fear. they've become such close companions. whispering lies. i am always convinced. gullible.

on the one hand i know i can be very brave and strong but underneath that layer i am nothing but an insecure piece of shit. i convince myself sometimes that you can do better than me, i understand i am not the [prettiest] of girls and you are pulchritude, to the core. do you understand that? you could have fucking anyone. why me. i am nothing but chaos. i am too damaged. i am fucking nothing. and i say i'm okay if you look at other girls, if you talk to the prettiest people in the room. but really, i'm just trying to act fearless. what a shame.

your patience runs low, i know you just want me to be happy. but do i ever get to be upset? i always put up with your shit. and you tell me your lacking patience right now and that you have a bunch of things to deal with. but what about me? WHAT ABOUT ME? i know you probably didn't mean it but how selfishly indulgent of you. i know i am a lot to handle, trust me. why do you think i've never let anyone in before?

everyone just expects me to have a smile on, all the FUCKING time. just because i'm better now, because i am allegedly "healed" that i am no longer in the "right mind" to pick up the vices again, everyone fucking thinks i'm fine. and maybe i am. maybe i'm not. but i know myself it is so very FUCKING easy for me to be self-destructive. perhaps i possess some weird, sick and twisted mind because sometimes i am tempted to destroy, just to watch everything go up in flames. all the aftermath. and what good would any of this do?

i hate questioning everything. how my mind works. how i can't just rebuild my vertebrae and be happy.

i don't fucking know anymore.