i wish i could understand myself like those moments when i feel so alive. but every so often i get pushed closer to the edge and i lose control. i know i'm stronger than before, i've known this for so long but somehow the demons always find a way to creep back in. and i tell myself, "i have a choice, i have a fucking choice" but it all doesn't matter once the blade is right in front of me. i thought this year i would go all 365 days without a single laceration, without a fucking relapse but it just so happens i may be still infatuated with this horrific love affair. on and off for six years, you'd think by now at 21 i'd learn my lesson, that this vice only has a temporary effect, it no longer gives me the same rush, i know i don't exactly do it for the same reasons. no matter how deep, how much, absolutely nothing except red stains. i'm not sure what i'm doing anymore, i'm still fully functional, i can still laugh and smile and see the beauty in life but once in a while it's as if the depression and anxiety engulf me, asphyxiate me and i set fire to everything. i create the chaos and somehow elated but i am extremely guilty. it doesn't make sense. i cannot deny that at times, if people actually knew what my life was like they'd probably be concerned, tell me to go see my therapist, medicate me, tell me i'm spiralling down into turmoil, that i am not well. i know my lifestyle is nothing of the ordinary. i know that for a while i was drinking too much, always intoxicated, and doing lines every weekend. it was recreational we said but i knew it had slightly turned into a bad habit. we said we'd only do it with friends but these friends kept coming over and somehow the topic of nose candy always came up. i gave in, i gave in. i always give in. i tell myself, no its not too much. i tell myself after one line, two lines....three, five or more that i'll stop but it never does. last week i did a couple lines just to stay awake and finish an essay. obviously, on the one hand it assisted me in getting an assignment done but i know in my heart that it was not right.
aside from all the substances, there's also the question of my relationship. don't get me wrong i love sean, i do. but there's this boy at school and we've gotten closer. i can't explain it. it's not that i'm even physically attracted to him but his personality is lush. he's just so sweet. i know that he may potentially fancy me, and even at times he treats me as if we were dating but i know he's just caring. i hung out with him all weekend since we were both at school working. maybe it's because he's a scorpio and i am too and his eyes always say more than what actually graces his lips. or maybe it's the way he compliments me all the time and makes me feel like a million dollars. or how he constantly makes me laugh. or that somehow he gets me even though i don't always say much. or the fact that i literally went into panic on saturday when frustration and disappointment ensued after my project wasn't working out and i texted him to meet me outside for a smoke and i told him that life was shitting on me. and like always, i try to keep my composure, to be strong and not let everything collapse inside of me. but i know myself all too well that if the anxiety consumes me, my walls can only be so strong. and i just began to tear up and cry in front of him. it's extremely hard for me to be vulnerable in front of certain people because people always see me as someone that's usually content and smiling. and for the part that's true but sometimes everything just fucking breaks my heart and i can't hold it together. he just hugged me, while i cried and left tears on his sweater. he kissed the side of my head and told me it was going to be okay. after he let me go of his embrace, we just sat and he kept putting his hand on my leg or putting his arm around me and kept saying, i'm here for you okay? you're going to be okay. following the side hug. maybe i just like attention and comfort he gives me. this sounds horrible but sometimes i find comfort in other people when i can't get it from sean. i'm talking about how i will shamelessly indulge in friendly flirting. i'll go to others and confide in them rather than my own boyfriend. i guess because when you've been in a long term relationship for almost three years, the magic slowly disappears, it all becomes routine after a while. i think what astonished me was the fact that someone who i honestly just met just by hanging out in the smoking area at school, and who i hardly knew was just blatantly telling me they were there for me and reassuring me that i would be fine. i guess it kind of caught me off guard because usually i am the one extending my hand to others, and i don't often ask for help, and if i do people aren't always available. i think it was just nice to have someone respond so immediately and be there for me in that moment since that hadn't happened in a while. with my boyfriend he's there for me and all but it gets to the point where it starts to sound like nagging. he'll start saying things like, "well now you know for next time you need to do this," or "this always happen, you know you need to do this or that." and it's like fuck. i don't want to hear that in this moment when i am already feeling like shit and at that point where i just want to fucking die because it's all so overwhelming. in these moments i just want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. i don't need this extra bullshit of what i already know what i need to do or do better. trust me i know, i fucking know.
i know i'm creating more of a mess for myself, twisting all my insides with this slight infatuation. but i can't help but somehow be attracted to him in some way. i like how you tease me and make me laugh. how whenever you introduce me to a friend you always tell them, "this is kendahl, she's always dressed to the nines." and it's all so silly i know. it's ridiculous and it's embarrassing. but i guess i just fancy the way you make me feel something i haven't felt in a while. i like how you give me real hugs. long hugs. the kind of hugs where it lasts a couple minutes and how sometimes you'll kiss the side of my head. but i know it just means i really care about you as a friend. although i know that perhaps in some way you may fancy me more, and i know that you respect the fact that i am in a relationship and you would never cross the line. but how can we ever deny that there isn't some sort of chemistry here? and the voice in my head keeps telling me to shut up. that this is wrong. and i don't know what i want. i am torn. my head is telling me to keep my boundaries but my heart is telling me to taste chaos and my gut is telling me i'm only enchanted by the comfort he gives me. i can't make up my mind right now. when the logical thing is just to talk to my boyfriend. but it sounds ridiculous if i say it aloud, to tell him 'pay more attention to me.' because honestly that's all i really need. when we're both home we diverge into our separate spaces. he'll either play his music, watch tv or play video games and i isolate myself on my computer. there's no connection. and i try and i try. but i can't say 'i love you' these days without knowing i don't actually mean it. i wish you could be more kind, i wish you understood me like you used to too, i wish you didn't ignore my problems because i know i can be a burden to you. i feel so heavy in your arms. and i want to tell you i'm sorry but it's not enough. i want to tell you everything that i've internalized but i can't. i can't. it all breaks my heart. and i'm terrified i might break yours.
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