and to think things would get better. everything just got x 489032849203842390 more out of control in the last hour. my right arm is completely slashed. i don't give a fuck. my heart hurts more than anything. i would rather die than choose to live. this is fucking ridiculous. i hate how one second i really think i can make it, i really believe in myself that everything is going to be fucking okay and the next second everything is completely obliterated. i'm glad people enjoy fucking me over. i hope you fancied watching my heart break. lying not only to me but yourself. to your fucking girlfriend. i feel sorry for her. now i know, you can't trust fucking anyone. i've been really thinking lately, i don't think i'd ever want to have children because when they grow up they'll know how goddamn cruel and terrible this world really is. i can't even fully express the amount of sadness and anger and frustration that is boiling in my veins and engulfing me whole. i hate how people expect forgiveness or an explanation right after the truth is laid out. but i'm glad i asked for the truth 'cause i'd rather hear brutal honesty over any plate of bullshit any day. for all you fuckers that would rather hear lies, GOOD FOR YOU. because i'm glad you're buying into all the deception, so continue pretending, acting like everything is fucking fine because the truth fucking hurts. even though it hurts like hell i'd have it any day. at least you know. at least you're no longer listening to all the bloody prevarications that pretty boy's been telling you for the last month or so. all the compliments mean nothing. all the sweet little lies veiled by your choice of icing and sprinkles have been unveiled.

the things that infuriates me the most is all the "i love yous" FUCK YOU. that's the number one thing you should NEVER DO to me. EVER. don't say those three words when you don't even fucking mean it. it just proves my point even more just how every guy i end up fancying somehow always fucks me over in the end. how i just get walked all over, used and abused. that's what they do. destroy this pretty girl. i confide in you, i learn to trust you, i care for you and maybe i just lack the intelligence to see all these fabrications. entice me with compliments and cute sayings because now i know they were all fiction. its even harder because i feel that now, i can never allow myself to [love] anyone in that way. ever. my heart will remain bruised and closed for a long period of time now. i'd just love to decay. break all my bones. laceration upon laceration. make myself uglier. i don't even care. everything to me is fathomless. well at least i lost my phone so i don't have to see all those fucking messages i saved from you. my insides are already deteriorating. i hope you're fucking happy. never trust anyone but yourself.

everyone just wants to annihilate you eventually. they'll kill to watch you fall. and i did. so i hope you're fucking smiling. this is all just too much for me right now. one terrible thing after another. THIS COULDN'T GET ANY FUCKING WORSE. and by the way for all those times you acted protective and jealous as if i were yours FUCK YOU.

because watching my heart get eradicated and damaged to the extreme is such a beautiful scenery.