i know i'm stronger than i used to be but i can't help but feel like the self-injury is never going to stop. even if i don't do it excessively like before, how i used to do it every day and sometimes as much as possible because i couldn't deal with the emotional pain. maybe i'm just really fucked in the head because i love and hate my scars. its always this bloody tug-of-war in my head. i know i have control, i know i have a choice but sometimes i choose to slip. to feel. some scarred skin tissue, a reminder that i'm alive. i do it for so many fucking reasons it's absurd; control, to feel, numb the emotional pain, distraction, punishment, impulsion ---> frustration, depression, anger, relief etc. etc.

i was extremely impulsive yesterday and i did something that i regret and i'm not even going to lie was fucking stupid. i'm not going to blame the alcohol because i know i did this for a reason, i had a choice and i decided to try and fix something within me but obviously that didn't work out. so me being the drunken idiot i am, i have a tendency to get quite affectionate and horny. i can't help it if i'm sexually frustrated and its been 7 fucking months. okay fine, 2 months if you count everything but intercourse. so i went to some masquerade party with frankie, meesa and julian and we all got pretty smashed. all jules wanted was to make out with someone and i kept telling them how i wanted to get laid. (i know, i'm a dunce.) so i found out jules was still a virgin, go figure i knew it from the beginning. and he was all like i'm 18 and i just want to let loose. so frankie and i were drunk as fuck and being like okay fine this is a one time thing, it doesn't count, it doesn't mean anything, we're just gonna do it. basically i stole julian's virginity and it was THE WORSE FUCK i've ever had. mainly because 1) he was a virgin = inexperienced & 2) he's quite small in the department down below. it actually lasted less than 5 mins before i was like (in my head) yeah this is shit, this isn't satisfying and i'm done. then frankie had sex with him and cheers for her i guess because she wanted to lose it for so long but i don't think she enjoyed it that much. i don't feel awkward about it just the fact that wow, that was just super SHIT. mainly i'm just pissed because i'm still sexually frustrated and the fact that i kinda feel bad that i stole julian's virginity because it probably wasn't that great, and i refused to give him a bj or anything of that sort. but if i think about it its kind of a huge WTF, 'cause its julian and i hate him like 70 % of the time and i still think he's gay. i hope he is. he should be. like for fuck sake, come out of the closet already.

this post was kind of pointless but i needed to get that out and the fact that i'm bipolar as hell today.