FREE BITCH.

Someone like me always changes. I am in a constant state of revolution. I'm not just talking about myself, my perspective, my style, my hair etc. etc. I'm talking about my emotions as well. I'm as bipolar as the sporadic Vancouver weather. I'm an indecisive piece of shit and I can never make up my mind. One day I'll be this and I'll convince everyone that this is what I want or this is what it is and this is how I feel and 24 hours later I will be a complete contradiction and criticize everything I agreed with the day before. My mind is an island of complexity.

I convinced myself for a while that it was okay talking to you again, that despite the fact that you were in a relationship I let myself be "the other girl." If I'm going to be honest with myself, I'll admit I liked the attention you gave me. I enjoyed the compliments, all that flattery, all your words that seemed so believable, so real. I believed in you too much and I cared about you more than I should have. You had my empathy, you had me so easy and of course my intuition had me completely cornered. Even though I enjoyed staying up all night with you, making each other laugh, talking to you on the phone until I fell asleep, I know that I couldn't keep lying to myself about this.

Its not so much that I feel hurt about it, its the fact that you lied, I forgave you, I let you in again but this time around I won't let myself get destroyed twice. I thought about it all, how it all seemed really nice and lovely in my head but the truth always kills the fantasy, what I know, what you know, what's really been displayed here. I no longer have the same feelings as you do, in fact all that was there, butterflies, increased heartbeats, its all dwindled down to nothing. I don't feel a thing, not even a centimeter of attraction. none. zero. zilch. I'm happy though because this way I don't have to deal with your fucking bullshit anymore. Honestly, don't tell me you "love me" and will "do anything" for me and apologize over and over again because I could care less. YOU HAVE A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. DO YOU NOT GET THAT IN YOUR HEAD? I live 438290482390482390482309482394 miles away from you. WE LIVE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. I'M JUST A GIRL FROM THE FUCKING INTERNET. THAT'S ALL I'LL EVER BE. So save me the petty apologies, you on your knees begging for forgiveness, the "i love yous", the "we'll take things slow." Fuck it.

I'm done, over it, moving on. Sorry, I'm not going to waste my fucking time on some guy who lives in California who's okay with lying to himself, not to mention is IN a relationship and can't seem to be honest with anyone. No thanks. So you can take all your sorrys and shove it. Because honestly, I'm sick of this shit. I refuse to get my heart absolutely trashed all over again and you know what? I couldn't be happier. Moving forward. I can feel myself healing again and glow optimism. I definitely not one to let someone walk all over me and repeatedly go through the same cycle over and over again. So I hope you realize what YOU NEED to be focusing on is your REAL LIFE RELATIONSHIP and figure your shit out because I'm a FREE BITCHY, BABY.

p.s I realize I need to stop making drafts and leaving them for days and then continuing to finishing them because I always feel like the beginning of my posts never make sense by the end of it.