swim.

my head is feeling heavy
from the amount of thoughts
swimming through it.

i feel like laying on my bed,
blasting the same song
that's been on repeat through
my headphones for the past week,
really loud and just contemplate.
sleep away the pain.
the stress.
the anxiety.
the depression.
the exhaustion.
everything.

it's not because of the lack of sleep,
or because i'm procrastinating, or
because i know i need to complete my homework.

just being here right now,
having to live in such a twisted atmosphere
is making my head spin.

i mean, it's not even that bad...
why should i even complain?

i don't know.
maybe it's the weather today.
the depressing view of rain droplets
tumbling down from the clouds into their demise.

i am feeling so emotionally, mentally and physically
drained of energy.

i don't understand why, right now i need 

to feel the razorblade again.
almost 4 months clean.
i've gotten this far so why let this all fall?

i suppose it's because i'm so used to the
dangerous routine. whenever i became
frustrated, or whenever something minor
[but to me major] happened i'd use it as relief.
as safety.

i am so used to the addiction.
as much as i have let go of my dangerous vice,
i want it all back. i want to feel relief.
i need relief. i want to feel alive.

but that's the thing.
it'd be so much more easier.
that's the shortcut to my problems.
that's the dark hole i build for myself,
the place where i bury my secrets,
my demons unleashed.

i'm fighting my internal wars again.
see, the more difficult but healthier choice
would to start my homework, breathe, do
what i really should be doing, find a healthier outlet.

but all i want to do is runaway.
and it's the constant whispers i hear every day,
telling me to do it. go back down that treacherous path.

and i know every day is a battle.
and i have to fight for the things i call important.
and remember that rescue is possible. hope is real.
and that i am not alone in this.
and i will make it through.

and tonight, i'm just going to have to cry the pain away
but thank andrew mcmahon for saving me:



<sub>You gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth

The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open yeah
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Swim

You gotta swim
For nights that won’t end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah, you gotta swim
For wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed is a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open yeah
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
But I'm not giving in
Swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's an ocean to drift in
Feel the tide shifting away from the spark
Yeah you gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just follow the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love

Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim</sub>



Swim, that's all I can do.
But I know deep down, I'm alive.