Truth and realizations found within a noose.

I have neglected writing this for a while now. It has been one of the hardest yet easiest weeks in the past 4-5 years of high school. Sunday night the news was delivered to us that my Uncle Ken committed suicide earlier that day. My cousin, Meghan, had informed my sister and I. My parents weren't home at the time. My sister and I were in absolute shock. Everything was happening way too fast. It was really sudden, this tragic event. I was overcome by waves of emotions I thought I had buried a long time ago. But no, they resurfaced again. In the past 5 or 6 years I have had to gone to 4 funerals. They were all loved ones, 2 of which have permanently left a mark on me/impacted me all too much.

It has been almost 2 weeks since the incident and I am better. Much more than before. The first week was extremely unbearable. My eyes hurt too much from crying. My heart filled with fury and frustration. But this is grief. I suppose there is truth to be found in all of this. Despite the tragedy, I realized I, myself, could NEVER actually commit suicide. I have attempted twice and it scares to this day how what if? what if I had succeeded? 

Suicide is a selfish act. It ends your pain, your suffering but it only hurts everyone around you. There is no win-win. You lose. Sure, you're done. It's over. You can't feel anything anymore. Your heart stopped beating. You are immobile. emotionless. lifeless. dead. But I suppose your hurting isn't done yet. Because look at the mess you've left after you're gone? That's exactly what my uncle did. 

Throughout the years my sister, my cousins and I saw him as the joyful man he was. Although, we were never aware of his cruel acts at home. We were never told of his malevolent lies and his selfishness. He hurt his family - his wife, his daughter, his so. He broke our family - my parents, my sister, my cousins, my aunt, my uncle, my grandfather, my grandmother, me. I remember I cried so hard for my Aunt and my cousins. I felt their pain miles away. Oh, the images must be incredibly haunting especially to my aunt who found him in the basement hanging lifelessly. She even had to cut the rope. I could never be as brave as her but I salute her for her courage and how strong she has been.

I remember that night my mother told my sister and I everything. How throughout the years he constantly cheated people for money, excessively gambling, running away from his own demons. And somehow within all this I see myself. It scary but true. For a couple year I ran. I ran as far as possible. As fast as I could. But I knew my personal quagmires would eventually catch up to me and they did. But I got out alive. I stopped running. I learned to open the door with all the strength I had in me and face my demons. Even with shaking hands and the most fragile heart. But today I stand here with battle wounds but I am alive. I survived. I fought. And I am continuing to fight.

Although, the thing that tore my insides literally to pieces was the sound of my grandpa's voice. I remember that night. I told him I was so sorry. I told him I loved him. I have never heard such sadness in anyone's voice like that in my entire existence. My grandfather has always been a strong individual. Always putting his family before himself. Never indulging in temptation. He is a righteous man. He is a loving person. And to see him hurting killed me inside. Because all you can do in times of hopelessness, all you can do is just BE there for them. It's difficult to understand how you can't fix people immediately, how repairs don't always work. It takes time. Healing. And I am aware the hole in my grandfather's heart, my heart, our hearts will be here forever but in time the hole will eventually reconstruct itself with new layers and with minutes, days, months, years the heart will finally recover.

As much as the pain still lingers and this extremely agonizing, tragic event has forever left a permanent mark on me, I still walk on. This was my wake-up call and I know this sounds absurd but there are pros and cons to this situation. At least now he's not harming his family anymore and they, we can all learn from this. As much as this causes us to ache in places we never thought existed maybe now they can grow and rebuild the love and strength he destroyed. 

Now I find it so strange. It's as if TWLOHA means so much more to me than ever. It really struck me hard. I mean I hear about people committing suicide, you hear it in the papers, on the news, people that aren't you, in history books but once it's happened to you it's completely different because now you understand yet you don't at the same time. It's an intricate thing. When you know someone who has done such an act somehow community falls into play. And I mean that in good terms. We - as a family stand together. We have to be strong through this. Help each other through this. And it's exactly what Jamie Tworkowski always says "People need other people." And I believe in that completely. And there is truth and honesty in that. Also, for me at least, I realize the pain I could've potentially caused if my dangerous act had succeeded. I see with open eyes how much hurt it causes. How it doesn't help anything at all. It is a selfish act. 

This is definitely a shock. My mind and heart still unable to stomach any of this. Also, part of me feels guilt and regret because my uncle couldn't see he was LOVED. He had an amazing support system. His family still loved him even with his dirty deeds. We still did - even though I was unaware of his cruel intentions. And it pains me to know he could not see this. And we could've helped him all the same. If only I had known his demons. Because he felt alone. Because he ran away from his atmosphere of quandaries. All the lies built up. He didn't take responsibility for his actions. He didn't want to face his fears. He didn't want to clean up his own mess. So he did this. 

And I will feel such distress for sometime. My heart is injured. But there is healing. There is love. There is hope - my family and I will eventually be okay, even with the dark cloud above our heads. We will survive this. Community is everything. Love is power. 

And I am learning & growing. Cheers to that - despite the damage.