Hello 2009. Goodbye 2008.

"It is tempting to write these things as if I always have it all together, as if I am a person without need, a person who cares about pain but is not affected by it. The truth is that I am a person in need, a broken person, a person who fails, often. I have a lot to learn. I have a long way to go."

- Jamie Tworkowski.

I think this is quite true about me. Well at least I believe it applies to me. A lot of people view me as someone who appears to have "everything together," the girl with the smile, the style, the artistic ability, the good friends, good family/parents, generous, humorous, outgoing, outlandish, unique, etc. etc. But that's not just me. I am a broken person. Like everyone, I'm sure. We all have scars, our stories. I am not perfect. I fall, I make mistakes, I have my breakdowns, my setbacks and quite often I do fail. But I think with all the pain and suffering, the parts of me that are broken, this thing called life is a learning process. A healing process. And like Jamie Tworkowski said, I have a lot to learn, I have a long way to go. And I whole heartedly believe that. 

2008 has been a huge learning process. I have grown in so many ways it's astonishing to say that last January I was a completely different person. It's scary to say that I've grown and changed in only 365 days. But I have to say it has definitely been one of the greatest years I have lived in my entire existence, so far. 

Recap: (Good Times) Art Krew 08, INDIA & meeting amazing people and definitely an experience that has permanently changed me forever, Tokyo with the fam, opening up to Nichola & becoming pretty much best friends, being honest with people more - Nat, Steph etc., making new friends; India people, Cooper ish, etc., being 6 months clean even though I slipped but I still consider that quite the accomplishment, all the gigs - the ones that made an impression on me; Thrice, Chiodos, Air Traffic, We The Kings/The Academy Is..., Halloween, going out of my comfort zone, gaining confidence - growing into my own skin, Option 2, 3, 4 & 5, Cigarette/Starbucks outings with Nichola, Christina's party, learning to love myself, the times where I felt inspired where the safety of TWLOHA and music helped me through, reading Purpose For The Pain & feeling like Renee's words completely mirrored me, good sessions with my yoga therapists, creating my own support system; Nichola being the #1 person who has constantly there for me, CONTROL, wanting to be alive.

And then there were the countless shit times; going back to razorblades, low self-esteem, zero confidence, feeling completely ugly, weight issues, eating & sleeping habits, indulging in vices and new transgressions; weed & razorblades, wanting to die, having no hope, feeling like I had no support system, hopelessness, skipping school, addiction, mornings where I couldn't physically wake up, feeling emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted, burdening other people's problems.

So there was a lot more ups than downs this year which is a pretty huge achievement. I am grateful for everything that has happened to me even the shit times because they have helped me grow and learn in various ways I cannot fully express in words. And right now, I am feeling more alive than ever somewhere in my heart it feels as if this year will be amazing and I am excited, nervous and scared all at once but every bit of this is enticing. 

Oh yeah and my New Years RESOLUTION(S): 

- To be more outspoken, to voice what I feel basically saying to be more honest with myself and others. And really act upon it because I know it's so much more easier said that done. 

- To really motivate myself, drive myself and eliminate procrastination because I am the epitome of indolence.

- To love myself every day, embrace every flaw and learn to be confident and go out of my comfort zone but still be myself.

- To take more pictures and paint more and just create more art

- To finish all the books I intend on reading

- To not be scared anymore and accept that sometimes I'll slip but it isn't the end, that I can still get back up and succeed

- TO JUST BE.

So hello 2009, let's see how everything unfolds. 

p.s This is something I say a lot: "I believe that everyone has scars, a story whether we decide to talk about it or not." 

So this is me, a broken person just like every other individual that walks the earth but here I am with my scars on display, feeling more alive than ever.