Love is on it's way....hopefully

I don’t know how I became damaged again. I don’t know my way back through the wreckage. Happiness is only temporary. So why does pain feel permanent? I am only content when in the company of certain people. After we depart, go our separate ways and I’m home, the demons scream at me from all directions and I succumb. How did I become so weak? What happened to my strength? And this is so strange…of all the songs that keep me safe the only one that is making me hold on is “Take A Breath” , “A Little Bit Longer” and “Love Is On It’s Way” by the Jonas Brothers. I believe those are the most honest and raw songs from them. So why have I become quiet again? Befriending the darkness, holding hands with razorblades. It’s not just the fear of not graduating, the pressure from the absurd amount of tests/homework/essays, the fact I haven’t done any of my grad transitions with only 4 months left. It’s the fact I have lost my complete support system, at least the ones that are tangible. I mean, I still have my India friends but they live far away. It’s the fact that my two best friends have completely turned into self-absorbed, ignorant, callous people. The fight between them has put a strain on our friendship. And I think out of the three of us, I feel as if I am the one who’s most suffering. I can no longer reach out to them when they fail to understand me. With Nat, everything is a lost cause. She’s traded sincerity for pretense and “superiority.” Congratulations, you have just lost your best friend. With Nichola, she’s already consumed with her billions of problems and I really don’t want to be a burden to her. That’s what it is. Burden. That’s what I am. To everyone. My mum even clearly said that yesterday to me. “You add another stress to my life.” Thanks mum, you have just decayed my hope even more. And minutes before she said that I was going to confide in her but no. That’s out of the question. And my dad? We’re on constant battlegrounds. So here’s to bottling up the emotions because I feel like I’m just protecting everyone from my malicious, harmful self. Trust me, you’ll thank me. You really don’t want to be surrounded by my toxicity. And I know I should tell someone. I know I should speak out and just pick up the phone. But I am fearful. I am so incredibly fearful. Why? Because I know I am just another burden to your problems. So here I am. Stashing all my predicaments internally, into my heart shaped box. And if the demons succeed, scarlet is displayed gorgeously on my body. No, it’s not just wrists and arms. It’s shoulders. Stomach. Legs. Ankles. Hello, razorblade angel. And I no longer know what to do. I no longer know what to believe. I no longer know how to fight. I no longer know hope. It seems so foreign to me. I don’t know if I can survive. I know, it’s scary. But I really don’t think I can. Monday I tried to go as deep as possible. I think I almost hit a vein. Yesterday, I thought about drowning myself. I need help. And I know I do. I know. I know. I know. But how can I when I am so fucking afraid? When everyone doesn’t know, because I am the best damn actress you’ve ever seen. Fake that smile, put up walls and block them out. Distance. My new alliance. I want to believe what the Jonas Brothers are saying when they sing “Hold on another day, ‘cause love is on it’s way, you’ll find it’s gonna be okay….you’ll find a brighter day.” I want to believe that so badly. But it feels so unattainable. So for now while the secret is still kept hidden, I will be the actress. Welcoming razorblades over and over again until somehow I find my way to hope or somehow find the strength to get up off the bathroom floor and fight reality in the face. Until then, I’m sorry if I don’t get to see another day.

p.s It actually freaks me out when I see the views on my page increase. Seriously. I say this all the time but I REALLY DO NOT EXPECT PEOPLE READING MY STUFF. And to my one follower, thanks I guess?