Messes.

Haven't updated in an extremely long time. It always surprises me how many views I get on my blog, even if it's just 248. I really don't expect people to read my stuff.

Well I'm back in my creative mood so I've been taking a lot of pics. I'm really excited about them because I really haven't done any photography in a really long time.

The past couple of weeks have been fucking bipolar. I enjoy the life highs, really I do but they're so temporary that I try not to indulge in them as much because I know if I get my hopes too high, the entire structure begins to crack.

I've been kind of "re-evaluating" my friends. I'm not sure how to put it in a sentence without sounding like a callous bitch. I've basically just been having a lot of troubles with Nichola. It's been an ongoing sort of fight. I am just exhausted of her pessimism and how she is constantly enveloped by her own incertitude and fears. I have been there for her, always giving her advice, lending her an ear but she never takes it in. She simply just agrees and then indulges in the same "solutions" like she always does. Routine. She never wants to try other solutions because they don't speak familiarity, and with that she never ends up doing anything to solve her problems so then it just becomes a complete problematic snowball. Literally. She is a good person at heart but it's difficult now since I've gone through this whole "revolution" as she put it. I am no longer in "October" as I like to refer to my dark times. But sadly, she is still there stuck in moments where all she knows are her demons screaming obscenities and criticizing everything she says, does. At the same time, I'm at a loss for words. I am frustrated. Part of me knows I am outgrowing her and the other half knows I have too kind of a heart to just let her go.

I talked to my yoga therapist about it she asked what I had in common with Nichola and why is she a "good person." It honestly just came down to, music, art and fashion. That's all we have in common. And I consider her a "good person" because she's helped me through all my shit times and she supported me when no one else would. Cliche, I know. But it's true. The problem is that Nichola is super dependent on me. I'll make this short but basically 2 weeks ago we got into a huge fight and we avoided each other for a week. She basically didn't have anyone, I mean she had the other girls - Steph & Kelly but honestly when it comes down to it, she has no one. It's tragic, I know. Oh, and with all that happening it was even more awkward since Nat, Nichola and I all went to Tegan & Sara. We hadn't solved our situation so the entire time we were being all "nice" but it was completely underlined by pretentiousness. She wanted to talk after the gig, but I didn't find it appropriate at the time because we were 1) in a public place 2) Nat was there and despite the fact she knew everything this was our drama and I didn't want Nat to get involved. Since she thought it was unfair (which I admit is true on terms of not talking to her when I told her I would) but after a concert when you have that "concert high" and you're in a place where it's unsuitable, FUCK NO I'm not resolving our drama right there. If I need confrontation I do it when it's appropriate and when both people are calm. She was psychotic. She screamed at me in front of everyone and threw random assumptions at me. I WAS SO CLOSE, to retaliating but I knew it would just make the situation worse. And doing that, I know makes you feel powerless and vulnerable but it's the "bigger person" position and afterall, it is the "mature thing to do." I ended up talking to her on the Monday and we got everything sorted out but there's still a bit of awkwardness.

Also, I'm afraid I'm still holding onto this friendship out of sympathy because I know if I let go. ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE I FUCKING SWEAR TO GOD. Just knowing her intentions I could see her running back to dangerous habits - bulimia, possible self-injury and extreme OCD. But perhaps she needs the breakdown to have her reality check. It's a very complicated situation. I just don't want this weight on my shoulders, it's not mine to carry and I'm not responsible for her.

I feel like Alex from Grey's. I feel the trainwreck coming and I want to run.

p.s I really like that picture I took of myself, I feel like it depicts me in a way to say "this is me, comfortable in my skin despite the scars."

p.p.s I used a Jamie Tworkowski quote for my grad write up. =)