It's like Grade 6 all over again. And that fear, the concern, the pain I thought I had forgotten long ago has resurfaced. I believe it was 2003 and never in my entire existence have I ever endured such a difficult year with so many sufferings. I found out my mum had gotten extremely sick and no one really knew what was wrong with her. Throughout the year my mum kept to herself, always locking herself in her bedroom. She'd be in there frequently and sometimes I wouldn't see her for weeks. I ended up playing second mum, having to do x 10 of the chores, looking out for my sister, making sure my dad was okay while trying to finish the school year. June had to me the hardest month because we found out my great grandfather had gotten pneumonia. And 30 days later he passed away. It my first witness of a death of a loved one and it still affects me to this day. I have never seen such a lifeless body in my entire life (that's a lie, my great grandmother displayed this too.) I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life. And somewhere in the summer months one of my uncle's passed away from cancer and later that year another uncle of mine was murdered. 3 deaths is hard to handle. I was 11 years old when all this happened.
Yesterday, I had a very abrupt and no-so-friendly fight with my mother. She was sick and I needed to get ready for a party so I brought my friend Amanda over to help me. My mum needed to go downstairs to take her medication and my dad kept telling me to leave but I complained that I needed to get ready. My mum ended up screaming at me and telling me how I was being selfish and self-centered. She said that she was in a lot of pain and wanted my friend out of the house. I screamed back at her telling her it wasn't fair to kick me out too because I needed to get ready. She said that it was "the law" that if someone's sick you need to obey them or something. I was like mum, it's not the law and that this is my house too. I ended up crying and screaming at her saying "I'm SORRY. I'M SORRY. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT OKAY? I'M SORRY." And then my mum was like okay, well you don't care about my pain. And I retorted saying "MUM, WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT ABOUT MY PAIN!" And I just left, packed whatever I needed and exited. I felt terrible my friend had to hear all this. It should be a law to not have parents yell at you when your friends are over it's probably the most inappropriate // embarrassing thing a parent could do. Or one of them at least.
I was planning on not even going to the party and just sleeping in the playground at the nearby park. I was even intending to not come home for a couple of days. I've done it before so why not? I ended up going to the party and sleeping over at my friend's house. I came home today and my dad came to talk to me. He told me how I should apologize to mum and that yesterday she was in a lot of pain. He also explained how her sickness has come back and that she has liver disease. He also explained how she is part of the small percentage that suffers a lot of pain from this disease & that we have to help her because before she didn't want to show herself to my sister and I so we wouldn't worry. I ended up crying and told him in panicky exhales that I wasn't stupid, and that this was like Gr 6 all over again. I told him I notice things in this house that no one else does, I told him how I knew something was wrong and that things go unheard in this household. Obviously, this conversation made me feel extremely guilty and horrible of the night before.
And the worse part of all this is that my mum could die from this. I'm only 17 and the thought of losing my mum despite the fact she can be a callous bitch at times scares the fucking hell out of me. My mind is chaos and all I want to do is sleep. I don't want to accept this situation because I'm too afraid to embrace the pain. I don't want to get up because it means facing reality and living it. I don't want to worry because it puts me in such a vulnerable and fragile state. And I hate that solution to problems where all you can do is just stand at the scene...and the only thing you can do to help someone's pain is just be there for them when you want to do something more, everything in your power to heal the wounds but you know you can't. The hardest part is trying to stay strong, not only for myself but for my mum, dad and sister. And the fact we have to keep this a secret to prevent people from worrying takes a toll on me. Pretending. Like. Everything. Is. Fucking. Okay. But that shouldn't be a problem, right? I mean, I've done it before for so many years why does this seem harder than ever?
why do bad things always happen to good people?
Also, I am not religious but this is what I believe:
God is love.
Hell is a state of mind.
Heaven is the feeling of being alive.
I will wear hope around my neck and fight.
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