Reckless.

I don't take enough chances. I always have second thoughts. I end up regretting not doing what I would have liked to have done. I need to start living...again.


I fight the internal organs, the questioning and make up excuses for my lack of confidence in the situation or because I try and convince myself into believing it's not worth it. Or "there's only a month, 2 months left of school." Truth is, I don't care if this is temporary I'm just too scared to really do anything about it because that's the way I've lived my entire life. Especially when it comes to boys. It's always a different story. It's like where the FUCK did my self-confidence go? And all of a sudden, the real me disappears and I end up being replaced with a shitty, timid, socially awkward girl. Although, I am getting better. And this time around, I'm actually fine within your presence. Now this, doesn't happen too often. So I am proud of that.

I miss After Prom. The drunkeness and naivety. The recklessness of the youth. Best friends drunk and burnin' up the dancefloor. Getting out of fancy dresses and exchanging them for something shorter, tighter. Haha. I miss dancing with him. I swear the smallest things affect me more than they should. Touch. Feel. Dance. Alive. That was Tuesday night. And I just HAD TO listen to my conscience and not take the chance of kissing you. I regret that a lot. I suppose at times I am a private teenager. I'm not into making out with strangers at parties when tons of people are around. The thing with Mike is that all happened in privacy and I liked it. No one had to make a big deal of it except when they found us together on the couch the next morning. No one saw us in action, and that's the way I prefer it. And maybe that's how it was with you, tuesday night, I had the chance and I didn't take it. But sometimes there is a need to protect yourself and I suppose that's what I did. No one needs to see full on PDA. Even though After Prom was a mjor Grind Fest//Slut Fest, and everyone was hooking up, I won't use it as an excuse of "well I could've..."

I want another party with catchy electro-pop beats reverberating off the walls, tons of people, intoxication at best. I want to randomly see your face in the crowd and pull you in. I want to get to know you, know how you actually are, what's there beneath the surface. I want to dance with you again, and your epic dance moves. I want to laugh with you. Sit on the sidewalk and smoke cigarettes with you. I want to have another opportunity. Sobering up. Knowing that chemistry is there...beating in our chests. Teenage hearts. And I will gladly take that chance, alone with you. And I will not blame intoxication and an impaired mentality the next morning.

And I don't care about the 1 year age difference. If you ever questioned it, I'd tell you baby, Fuck the rules, I'm a rule breaker.