There comes a point in your life when you let go of your past, you abandon the insecurities, the fears, the pain and suffering in exchange for hope. And I swear, it's the most rewarding thing you'll ever do. Maybe it's summer, maybe it's the fact I graduate in 12 days, I'm still trying to find a reason for so many unbelievable consecutive days of happiness.
Monday - was my last session of yoga therapy until Danielle comes back from her maternity leave // if I choose to go back. Strange, I've only done it for a year and a half and it's been a long, heavy but amazing process. I remember sitting in her office with scarlet stained writsts, a bruised & heavy heart, broken with a tormented, fractured soul. Incertitude written all over me. And about 400 days later, I walk out feeling more alive than I ever have in my entire life. The scars are still there, fading. I remember my last lacerations, done almost 3 months ago but I am so proud of myself I have made it this far.
I have so much hope in me right now and this building confidence that I've discovered. The way I get it up in the morning waking up to sunshine, every day is another step in this healing//learning process. Holding hands with hope. The stress, the anxiety should all settle in this time of year with end of the year exams and all sorts of assignments needed to be completed, as well as last minute fights for grades or whatever is needed for the "future." But somehow, I am far too content to even worry about anything. We all have control over every day, every minute of our lives. "It'll always be struggle to make the next right choice" - Renee Yohe. I believe in that so much, we all have choices and with that comes control. I am so fond of my new tattoo: http://twitpic.com/4121l/full it represents so much. That word placed right above my left hipbone. I like to think of it as a ying & yang concept. The negative part is that it was one of the reasons for my self-abusing, in those moments overwhelmed by emotion I had power over it, I could have some sense of control over something in my life. The positive is that like I mentioned above, we all have control and with it comes the power of choices. There is always that voice in your head that gives you 2 options, that fork in the road and it'll always be difficult which one to choose.
And I swear music affects me more than it should. I really can't fully express how powerful it is and the way it makes me feel so alive. The way these voices sing me to sleep every night, these songs a collection of memories.
I suppose this is growing up. This is healing. This is learning. This is living and breathing. These past two months it's as if I have found myself completely, and the fragmented pieces of my soul have come back to me, fitting themselves back together, filling me whole. These days and nights inspire me entirely. The reckless youth. The midnight adventures even with the intoxication, the impaired mentalities. The friendships - the ones who have been there from the start and haven't abandoned me in all my perils. The concerts - the way music moves us, keeps that organ in our chests beating furiously with passion and pride. So breathlessly inspired.
I had a conversation a couple weeks ago with my mum, which I take to heart. She explained how I'm like the "shining star" the way I seem to make heads turn when I'm present, the way I speak so loudly, not just verbally but through my art and clothes and what I believe in. She's always saying how everyone thinks I'm going to be "somebody" some day. Honestly, I've heard this throughout my entire life how everyone believes I have this potential to be something amazing, someone worth inspiring and I've always removed myself from this idea and saw it as the most absurd thing I've ever heard. But it's only 'till now that I fully understand that, that I truly believe that.
I think the art show last Thursday made me believe that so much more. The fact I literally was putting myself on display for the world to see. My most personal photography art pieces // art works exhibited. I remember I skipped 2 days of school to finish putting up all my art and I have to say that took a lot of hard work hanging everything and putting everything in place. I recall after finally hanging everything I sat on the ground and just looked at everything I achieved, everything I worked hard to convey and I remember the nervousness and fear that settled in my stomach that entire week. I put out art that expressed things in the most raw, bold, provocative, honest form. I won't hide behind realism and technicalities. I break structure. There is more need for contemporary art, the way the artist lays out the message but it's up to the audience to fit the pieces together, to interpret it in their own way. Realism is too confined, too precised. I need to break boundaries, and afterall I've got a taste for rebellion. I kind of like the fact how a lot of people in my Art Careers class are so into coveying their message straight out, it's just there and forward. There's no room for provoking thought, no room for imagination to expand, everything is so constricted. I put a dent into their perfection and I don't mean this in a harsh way, I mean it as a way to explain that I do not fit the system. There is no place for perfection. I build everything on imperfections and honestly there is so much beauty in flaws, people don't realize that enough. The fact that I put myself on display was one of the most scariest fucking things I've ever done in my life but it was also amazing to see all the positive response and the way my art affected people, the way it provoked thought, the way it was bold and honest, no pretense.
I knew from that day on, I was going to make something of myself. I'm going to work with my passions, everything and everyone seems to inspire me these days and I'm in love with this feeling of being alive. It's funny how people believe in you when you don't believe in yourself. But the magic of it is the day you finally do, your heart is in the right place and you find yourself constantly smiling.
I have so much ahead of me I can't even begin to stomach it. I have so many dreams and hopes and I feel I can take on the impossible. I stare at the girl in the mirror and before I would count all the flaws, look at her with sad eyes but this time I bit my lip and the creases of my mouth turned up. I see someone who was once damaged, but has reconstructed herself, has fought her own battles and even with a scar-stained body there is beauty. The insecurities and fears will always show up every now and then but I now have the right weapons to defend myself against them. I see a girl who's heart was once trashed and shattered and needed all sorts of adhesive to repair it, but is no longer needed. I see life coming back to her. I see true happiness in her eyes. I see passion and love. "A heart bigger than the size of India." - Frisco.
I am a revolution.
The war is over. I have found my own peace.
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