let it be.

i don't know the first thing about love. i understand it in the context of music and art, the things i'm passionate about, friends and family but never for one particular individual. this is a challenge i've been struggling with lately. this whole idea about "love" what does it even mean? i find it to be so incredibly abstract, i don't think there is even a fair explanation for it because everyone's interpretation of it is different and i think it is something you can only understand for yourself once you've experienced it.

you didn't show yesterday but i know it wasn't your fault. of course my heart sank, of course i tried persuading you, of course a bunch of consonants and vowels stringed together trying to sound completely fine in text message is a lie. but somehow even though i was disappointed, i can't help but feel that i know you wanted to be there. the way your lengthy messages spoke frustration and anger. it was funny though, how i got jenny really drunk and she drunkenly texted you saying "adam, you have to come! kendahl really wants you to be there." (to be honest, i was really embarrassed and shocked she did that. but it was worth it.) he replied with "i know, i really want to be there too, i'm trying everything i can to go." i know these words weren't said out loud or in person but i couldn't help but feel at ease with this, because its proof he really cares and i know how much music means to him. whether it was to have a dance party or just feel alive with the music or to see me, it doesn't matter because all i know is that he tried and gave effort and he cares. and perhaps this extreme anticipation is killing me inside, i know its for the best because i need to learn to be patient. i need to learn to let go of things. i need to not expect things. i need to just let it be.


but all that keeps floating through my mind is how he asked me "kendahl, do you love me?" as a friend, i do. as something more, i'm not sure. i just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact how blunt he said it and what he expected me to say. this is a mystery to me. i don't know what i'm getting myself into, i don't know what i'm doing but all i know is that i like him. a lot. and i feel so crazy and i feel like every time i think about my proposition i get scared, then angry, then sad, then happy. i don't know how to feel but this driving me insane. but all i can do is put my faith into the future, and hope that it'll take care of everything because that is all i can do. i have no control over this.


i don't know, i feel crazy but maybe, potentially i may be in love with you. and that fucking scares me.