On another note,
I realize I may not be able to go to London this summer.
London is my favorite place on earth.
If I could move there instantly, I would.
And I plan to in the future.

I've been accepted into the Oxbridge program
at Oxford + Cambridge for the summer.

But I know I can't go unless I'm healthy and well.
And I haven't exactly stayed clean for a long time.
It's been harsh fighting off the demons,
and fucking emotions.
I hate this. I really do.
I hate how I have these fucking disorders and hormonal in balance.
I don't understand why I had to be the problem child.
Why my depression wasn't just something that came to be when puberty started.
When really it's genetic.
And the fact I know,
that cutting is really an addiction.
And no one knows how fucking hard it is to stay clean.
Seriously, it is an extremely difficult journey.
And I'm tired of people saying things about how the whole "emo" scene.
Whatever the fuck you want to call it.
It's absolutely ridiculous and stereotypical.
You don't know shit. You don't know me. STFU.

And I hate how I regret telling certain people.
People I thought I could trust.
People who were my friends.
That's probably one of the most hardest things to accept.
The fact that my secret is lingering in their minds,
and they fucking know.
And my secret could slip out of their mouths instantaneously.
And soon, everyone will know.
And who knows what the fuck will happen.
But I do know. Everything will just be downhill from there.

Plus, exams are coming up and I'm stressing so much.
I know I shouldn't.
But my anxiety is seriously getting me.
I've avoided seeing my therapist.
Actually, I quite dislike her.
I haven't told my parents that.
Though, I admit.
I'm pretty good at lying.
You just sit at the sessions and pretend you're doing fine,
great, and just act all content like your life is really turning around.
I hate lying.
But really. I don't fucking trust anyone these days.
And I know therapists are suppose to help and really get you to talk
about you feelings and your problems.
But I just can't seem to open up these days.
I feel like everyone will just betray me in a millisecond.
And fuck.

I can't even explain things anymore.

I'll get back to this later.
jfds;klfjsdalkjfasdk. fucking hell.