risk it all.

yesterday was the Stereos concert, they just had to compensate for the lack of pop punk gigs in my life right now. we were trying to be patient waiting for them to come on but we had to go through all the opening bands. we stood next to each other, being stupid, teasing each other, having fun, making each other laugh, fighting off LGs (little girls). then we ended befriending a couple of LGs and one of them asked me, "is that your boyfriend?" embarrassed, i say no. she says "do you like him?" and i say "i'm not sure, i guess?" and her friend chimes in and says "you guys should date." i laugh. this part of the night is kind of blurry for me just because it happened so fast, i don't think my brain even managed to process it as a whole. he was talking to some girl in the moshpit and all of a sudden he's like "Kendahl, do you love me?" COMPLETELY CAUGHT OFF GUARD, I was extremely shocked so i said "um, maybe? i don't know? perhaps? should i?" and he's like "I don't know Kendahl, I think you should." and i was like "oh...okay." and then he went back to talking to the girl and she said "you guys should date." and he's like "yeah, but she doesn't love me." and laughs. about 15 minutes later, the LGs start talking to us again and we're like "I THINK YOU GUYS SHOULD DATE." i kept laughing and this time he heard them and he's like "Kendahl, should we date?" and I was like "I don't know, I guess?" and he's like "we should." and laughs. WHAT THE HELL.

throughout the entire The Artist Life + Midway State set he had his arm around me, i could see jealous eyes and hear loud whispers of girls saying "we can't move, there's a couple there" or "he has a girlfriend." at one point he layed his head on mine and just hugged me, if someone had a camera and took a picture of that it would be the ultimate couple picture, i'm serious. of course during Stereos we had our own dance party and just went crazy. afterwards, we were on the bus and he puts his arm around me and i lay my head on his shoulder, we weren't talking just complete silence. i don't think i've ever been so nervous in my entire life, the anxiousness was so overwhelming i was shaking, my head my spinning, my heart was pulsating so fast i thought i was going to have a heart attack. i felt like i was half in his mind because i felt as if he was thinking // feeling the same way as i was. he had to get off at a different stop than me and i knew i had to say something, i had to be fearless. i could feel the words creep up in my throat and then all of sudden i said "you know whats a good idea?" and he's like "what?" and i hesitate and bite my lip and as i look down at my vibrant, hot pink doc martens i breathe the words "we should date." he looks at me and says "actually?" half shocked and half knowingly. i said "yeah, like just try it out, we don't have to put a label on it, we can just see what happens." he pauses and says "can i think about it?" and i just reply with a mundane "yeah." it was silence for 2 minutes and he says "its just that you're such an amazing friend and i don't want to jeopardize that." i nod and the rest of the ride was just silence. when it was stop he said he'd see me soon and gave me a hug.

i honestly can't believe i did that, that was probably THE MOST SCARIEST THING i've ever done in my entire life, hands down. half of me is content and proud of myself because i got the courage to say that and at least now its out there, the inevitable, fearful question floating above his head. and the other half of me feels like i fucked it up, and partially regrets it. i don't know how to feel right now, or whats right or whats wrong and lingering in anticipation is killing me. i felt like it was the right question to ask because there is an OBVIOUS ATTRACTION between us and everyone knows it, even strangers. all i can do is be patient with this. but maybe i just have to let go of everything i know, for now.


because as much as he's probably trying to untangle this situation, i'm just as terrified as he is.

Oh, and We The Kings is singing about my life.

my head is spinning 'cause of you (hey! hey! hey! hey!)
you've no clue what you do
you're the storm
let it rain
you've got eyes like a hurricane
(Hey, hey, hey, hey)
you've no clue what you do to me

------------------------------------------

the story
of your life is unwritten
so put me down as your ticket
don't even fight it

you're shaken
you're not sure of the ending
but let me be the beginning
just put it in writing