i am so distressed beyond words. my stomach is hungry but i refuse to eat. i want to sleep but my eyes refuse to close. it's almost 7 am and tonight i will sleep alone. words hurt a lot more when they're coming from someone you love.

you were feeling depressed today and i comforted you and told you i didn't have to go out tonight but you pushed me away and told me to go. so i did, and i had fun and perhaps i got a little bit more drunk then have planned. i didn't intend on party puking. i come home and i am passed out in front of the toilet, you walk in the door and i can feel your frustration and all you do is yell at me. i have not felt this awful in an extremely long time. i hate fighting with you because i am always victimized. the finger is always pointed at me. everything is my fault. as usual. i haven't felt this fucking depressed in so long. and i feel even more ashamed that i relapsed. you tell me to fuck off, you say some rude remarks. i hide in the washroom like i haven't done in eons. collapsed on the bathroom floor and all i have as company are these four walls. we try and resolve things but it ends up in another yelling fit. you say that i had no regard for you, that it was irresponsible of me to get that drunk. i realize i didn't intend on doing that but it's NOT MY FAULT that you were feeling heavy. if you needed me so bad i told you to call me. again, i am to blame. you tell me you're exhausted of me, that i am ungrateful of everything you've done.

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT. he doesn't realize that i am grateful every single fucking day of my life that i have him. i can't believe he is so blinded by anger he doesn't recognize my love. i can't even express how much i love him, care for him and then he says this, it's pretty damaging. he says this is too much and he doesn't know what to do anymore. words can't convince him. we are hanging on by a thread and that's all i have as a piece of hope. i am trying so hard to not let the feelings and the doubts, the fears, his words get to me. but i'll be honest, this fucking hurts. i am fucking terrified. i want to believe in this so badly but if he doesn't want this, i cannot do anything about it. but it's just extremely frustrating when he doesn't see how he affects me, it's always about him. he thinks i'm selfish and i can't even wrap that around my mind because i have done so much for him. it's just such a battle. that push and pull. because i love him so much yet this is all too painful to hear. i just need to know that this is possible.

and i keep thinking to myself if this is the end, i know i can move through it but i am not willing to do so, it's just so much more harder when you've let someone in this far.

i just wish he could stop picking out my flaws and see the light in this, look towards gratitude but he is too controlled by anger and frustration. i just wish he could love me for me.


i am lacking words. all this is is pain. i just hope we can salvage this.