the constant push & pull in my chest.

it is ridiculous how much time we invest in a relationship. how you can lose yourself completely in someone. lately i've been thinking about that. how all of my time has been dedicated to sean that i guess i just got so comfortable with it that i just dissipated.

i realize i haven't done anything for myself in a while, i haven't had any [me] time. i sacrificed certain things that i enjoy to spend my time with him but my needs aren't being met here. strange isn't it, when you step back and look at the bigger picture.

the thing is, sean and i are great together and when we're happy and love each other, it's fucking fantastic but when we fight it becomes ugly, it's hell on earth. and recently we've been disputing a lot and i know that relationships aren't always rainbows and sunshine but i feel like it's become too much. this is something i know and always have known, i'm going places, i have a lot going for me, not to indulge in arrogance but it's just fact. sean moved half way around the world just to be with me and i've been so unbelievably grateful for that but what i didn't realize is that he has A LOT of emotional baggage. i know that everyone is broken in some way and we all have our stories but i guess you could say he's more damaged than most. he holds onto anger, he has so many intense emotions, he buries everything, bottles it all up and doesn't know how to properly handle his issues. it's difficult for him to talk about things because he's never been taught to be honest, to open up. and i have been extremely patient with him but still the words just can't seem to grace his mouth. he never tells me anything when something's wrong, if something is // i do is bothering him, ever. it's very frustrating because i understand if in that moment you don't want to talk and you need your space but i'd just like the truth and know what's going on. i just feel that honesty is fundamental in a relationship, and obviously this is what ours' is lacking.

another part of the problem is our living situation. sean and i live together so we're practically married. and for a first relationship it's pretty intense but somehow i am tolerant of it and everything, i love him for him, all the lovely things, even the ugly, cruel parts. but for him i feel like it's too much, that he gets too annoyed at me since we're together pretty much 24 // 7 and living in such close proximity is definitely extreme. i am just exhausted because i just believe that right now we need a break and figure out what we both want. it's just severely frustrating when he's stubborn as fuck, and when we argue he says a lot of cruel, hurtful things and i am constantly disrespected in these moments. don't get me wrong, sean is a fucking amazing individual but when we fight, it is no denial that he has a vicious, malevolent side and it is not a pretty sight. when this happens, i try and let us both calm down and be the mediator and resolve the current situation in a calm manner but somehow with him the replies are always "fuck this. fuck that. fuck this relationship. you exhaust me. i can't do this anymore. lalalala." the thing is, as much as in the moment when he's encompassed by fury and he says all these hurtful things and say things like he doesn't know if he can do this anymore i know more than anything he loves me to death and wants it to work. truth is, all sean has is me, i'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and i don't want to say that i have this on him, but there is no way of denying that.

i've just been thinking an awful lot of what this is, me and him. us. i really just think we need some sort of break and to resolve things. i know that i want to work through this but know that i can't force it if he doesn't want this anymore. and as much as that reality may be true, i'm surprised i'm not as depressed as i thought i'd be. i mean, if the conclusion comes to that this simply cannot work out right now then i will accept it even though it will undeniably shatter me. but i know that if that was the case, i have the most amazing friggin support system in the world and i know i would be able to move through it. honestly speaking, i know i will be the one who will be better off emotionally and mentally. with him, if this ends it will be his apocalypse. i don't necessarily want to think about how badly it will affect him but i know that things for him will be extremely heavy for a long period of time.

i know i want this to work out and i will always love this kid no matter what, but if things become too detrimental you have to let them go, as much as that's a harsh reality to accept. i know there are things about me that i still need to work on and there are certain things about me that annoy him but i feel that since he's moved here, nothing's really changed for him. i guess he had hoped that by coming to vancouver things would be different but your problems don't just go away they follow you everywhere. you just changed the scenery but not the fucking situation. he's still stuck in the same place. he doesn't go to school. he doesn't have a job. all he does is get stoned all day, watch tv or play guitar. and i know every now and then he does something productive but he hasn't made the full effort to really get out there and make something of himself. and i understand that moving half way across the world, leaving all your friends and family is a fucking courageous move, not to mention a huge sacrifice. and i know it can be awfully scary being in a new environment when you don't have the comfort you're used to but there is always room for change, to go out there and do something about it, make an adjustment to the current situation y'know?

i can't even reiterate this constant push and pull. you love someone so much you want to help them, you want them to be happy and you want to be able to resolve things but this is a reality i constantly struggle with yet accept: you cannot change anyone, only they can create the change themselves. the only person you have control over is yourself. i know that i am the only person that knows sean right down to the core, and the only person that can help him but i cannot change him, it is up to him to do that.

it's always this battle in my heart. i guess i'm just too much of a hopeful soul but even though this boy may frustrate the living fucking hell out of me, and may say hurtful things when he's angry and is unappreciative at times, i don't even understand this myself but i love this kid to death. basically, i'm shocked at how strong i am being right now. if this was me a year ago or any other year i would've succumbed to depression, the anger, the frustration and fallen into my old dangerous habit of self-injury. the scenery would be a lot more darker and horrific.

there are so many parts to this story, and ours is something so intricate and beautiful and intriguing yet it is twisted and intense and incomprehensible. but whatever the outcome, let it be positive. and whatever happens happens. and if the reality is that this has ran it's course, maybe it doesn't work out now but perhaps in the future. and if it is that we need to close this chapter, then i'll accept it and walk away with all the brighter days.