this love.

this week has been really something. i can't tell if it's just meant to fall into place or if i'm just lucky.

at first the air was still expelling chaos and all these old demons reappeared. all these thoughts, questions i never thought would come across my mind. did i really want this? was i just lying to myself? parts of me were still recovering from all the damage. the part of the process where you question everything. did i really love him? what if my feelings were depleting? parts of me fought against believing in this. wondering if there was more for me out there, if i really deserved better. i know on monday i laid down the law. i told him that things really needed to change with his anger or else i couldn't do this anymore. i am tired of feeling victimized by his fury and be someone for him to walk all over when he can't properly deal with his emotions. and i can't read his mind. he needed to start being honest with me or else i don't see this walking out. i want to help him and i know i can but i can't do it if we won't let me in. i can't make him talk, i can't make him change only he can. and even with the frustration in my lungs i can't even deny the fact that i love this kid to death and always will, no matter what. and it sounds so silly in a way but i can't even comprehend nor explain what the fuck we have.

i can't even express the frustration and how you convince yourself that maybe this just isn't it, this isn't worth it anymore and you have the split second of decision whether you should do this or not. and you almost want to give it all away because you can't stand to see yourself feeling that detrimental again. but my heart is something else. maybe i'm too generous, too forgiving and i should detest and ignore all those who've hurt me severely but i've tried to hold a grudge and i've tried holding onto betrayal, dishonesty, deception, all those awful things i should hate people for. but hate cannot exist in my body, not in this heart of mine.

perhaps he got away with hiding everything and keeping quiet with other people, but not with me. NOT with me. always that push and pull. the constant reoccurring battle in my life: between holding on and letting go. and in ways it'd be easy to give up everything, no commitment, all that i've believed in disintegrated. i could. i could.

and it's not because i know it would break him and that i would be better off emotionally and mentally (i think) if this doesn't work out but who am i to kid? as much as i'll say i'm not afraid to walk away and think in some way that if this has ran it's course, i can't help but know all this, all the wonderment and infinite happiness, all the chaos and fuck ups, even when things seem really damaged i wouldn't trade this for the world.

and people tell me that i deserve better or that i should consider that as much i believe that sean's really [the one] for me, there's always someone out there who could treat me better. at first, i rethought everything and maybe even i believed for a second that maybe there was someone out there better for me but no. right now, sean is all i want and need. and even if people think otherwise i know that what we have is something really rare. i'm not trying to indulge in arrogance here and of course there are lots of people who fit well together but not like this. i can't even properly explain it myself. but this is something so incomprehensible, extraordinary, tumultuous, intense, amazing, and intricate. i suppose it's kind of it's own beautiful chaos.

even when i think everything is hanging by a string, somehow it all hits me and it all comes into focus, this love of mine holds so much pulchritude.