compulsion.

i'm not even going to try and deny that this hurts, maybe a bit too much. but only when i'm in my own solitude. when no one else is in the room. or perhaps even when everyone is busy talking to one another and i decide to ignore the current conversation, or the laughter or moment and i become alone with my thoughts. the quietness. the want. the need. the longing. and its not coming back that feeling. euphoria. passion. happiness. all encompassed within a memory stored in the past. and you can't rewind. that button doesn't exist. and it never will. so we agree with acceptance. we try and look truth in the eye but deep down it breaks you. destroy the feeling. the knowing. the reality. because prevarications tend to speak such ease and eloquence. and we'd all prefer to hear all the fucking lies and swallow denial by the capsule because let's face it, the truth fucking sucks.

funny thing is, in some strange, twisted way i wanted you to break my [heart.] i did. i did. i did. somehow i knew it from the get go. and i am always rebelling against my intuition. impulsivity could be an addiction. being adventurous and reckless and not holding back, even when you SHOULD, on rare occasions it can spark something beautiful and amazing but for the most part its detrimental but i guess this is how i learn. this is how i am. risking it all. but for what? to feel? comfort? temporary. i am lost within my own mind. compulsions.

this will take some time just like any other situation. i'll let myself feel and cry. question. rewind the memories. going over what i did wrong and what i didn't do or what i should've done. breathing. but i know you have emotional baggage, and i know we all do. and i know you carry a heavy heart, even though i find it lovely. but you'll never know that. and there's no point in having dialogue when it isn't reciprocal. so the line's dead. conversation over. and even though i may question everything in its entirety i have to let it go. i think this is the one lesson i've been struggling with my entire life. and i'm not saying this is easy. this hurts. and i just have to move on and perhaps in the future our paths will cross again but for now on a brighter note, at least it was fun and spontaneous and we had some chance. and you're not a terrible person, just like every human being in this world i have no control over anyone's actions and feelings, except my own.

as much as the truth hurts, it never hurt to be too hopeful. we all learn, acceptance.