my head hurts. my heart hurts. everything always seems to hurt. its hard staying in the middle. but its the safest place to be. not too closed, not too opened. either ends lead to destruction. with anything you can't force it to happen, i've been learning that. i've been learning patience, its a constant lesson for me. i'm always adrenaline hungry. i live for fast times. i live for movie moments. for reckless nights and contemplative mornings. for coffee conversations and concerts and days and nights that make me feel alive. i think though at times i get lost in the amusement of it all and i get out of control. a good friend of mine mentioned how i have an addictive personality. i never thought i did until he pointed out how lately i've been getting fucked up every weekend, drugs, alcohol, partying, piercings, tattoos. so i'm going on a cleanse for a bit and i feel like i'm in fucking rehab // on probation // in quarantine. i don't mind that everyone is being so caring but is it really necessary for everyone to be this overprotective?
i told my friend that i'd go on a bit of cleanse. that alcohol can suck it. that pot isn't a drug. i've only done MDMA 3 times. tattoos are symbolic and piercings are nice. he laughed. at least i have the next week to look forward to. my cousin or rather my really good family friend is visiting from montreal, i can't wait to see her! and waking up to the sunshine every morning creates a calmness within me. of course i'm procrastinating still but right now i need to focus on clearing the air. rid my atmosphere of toxicity.
if things are meant to happen they will happen on their own time. one of my cousins said something really significant to me last week and i've been holding on to it ever since. i asked him how the fuck do you stop overanalyzation // overthinking? and he said it's simple, you learn to accept the fact that you always will, and eventually you learn to deal with it instead. until you are completely comfortable with a person you are always going to over think and overanalyze every detail that's life, you have to be willing to give it time. he also mentioned that if something is worthwhile you will be willing to wait.
sometimes i forget how wise my guy cousin is even though he says really absurd things about love and relationship but he means well. i take it all to heart. and so far today, i'm not overanalyzing, awaiting your reply. if anything, today i am reminded of all the wonderful people i have in my life and that i know great things are beginning to happen and will happen. i don't have all the pieces, and i'm imperfect just like everyone else but i feel at ease with myself and everything so far in my life. and even when listening to sad songs sung by Dallas Green i can't help but smile at all the beauty there is in life and my achievements. i am so close to 1 year without SI-ing and its a pretty goddamn amazing feeling.
bring me your love.
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